4-year old excluded of Reception class for biting 3 weeks after starting school... Anyone experienced the same???

[brette]

Hello,

My son is 4 and started reception 3 weeks ago after 12 months in nursery. In nursery, he had trouble settling in but after a while and a lot of patience and encouragement from the dedicated staff, settled in very nicely... with the occasional to frequent bitings. Never in a "malicious" offensive way, more as a "defence"/compulsive/impulsive way when his space is being invaded. Very hard and stressdul for everyone involved (the bitten, the biter, all parents...) But they got it under control after a lot of praising and generally speaking a gentle and psychological approach. He still has to be assessed to see if there's anything related to sensorial issues. He's the youngest of the class, loves school and is extremely bright.
An Early Intervention team got involved, he was observed, the conclusion was there wasn't anything "wrong" with him, many reports were written and before he went to Reception, we had a meeting with the new school child therapist, the Early Year Intervention team therapist, the nursery staff, etc... so that the transition to school would be smooth.

First day at school, the headteacher tells me: "I understand your son has special needs" ...
Second day at school, the teacher tells me: "He bit a child today, is it something he's done before?" I told her nicely to read the report we had taken so much time to make specially for her...
Two weeks later, he bit a child and the child bled. Very shocking and inacceptable. The head called me and asked me to collect him to "punish" him and as he was a danger to other kids. On collecting him, I saw the child therapist of the school who admitted they hadn't been any communication of reports between the nursery and the school. That she had just spoken to the nursery therapist and that she had a better picture of the situation. I said I was surprised they didn't get any of the reports since their whole point was to avoid this very confusion...
And now all the head is telling me is "This behaviour has to stop..." Err, we all agree on that, if we knew how to, we would...

Anyone has experienced something similar?

Sorry very long post, but I feel let down and angry by the whole situation.

Ruffallo - You did not say in your first post 'Sorry I haven't read all the posts, but....' It wasn't until after you had it pointed out to you (by other people as well, not just me) that certain things had already been answered, that you said you hadn't read the whole thread - not the same thing.

Anyway, I think you and I should stop now as we are detracting from the original post.

Mothers getting angry and giving each other the 'sharp end of their tongue' in front of their kids is the wrost thing they can do. We are all protective ouf our children, but weighing in and letting rip with our anger before we know the facts of the matter is not going to help anyone.

Brette, sounds to me the school has a communication problem. I am suprised they asked you to 'punish' a four year old to be honest too.

I agree re common sense too.

Brette
Tbh, I don't know how formal the formal schooling is in UK. We are now in Switzerland and DS has started school here at 4yo. As far as I can see there is a fair bit of play but also some teaching of letters etc. He can already write his name and Mama (earlier than DD could, she went to a German Kindergarten until 6yo).

I can see the benefits of school for your son, especially as he seems to be a bright wee boy. Keeping him in a nursery environment might actually make the biting worse as he would certainly be bored.

I do think that the school should allow at least 3 or 4 months "settling in" time before taking drastic measures such as sending him home. It is a big adjustment for such young children.

You are dealing with the problem very well, imo. I hope that some of the help that you have received here can assist you in solving the problem.

Well, Chipping, you have very stringent ideas about the way I should word things.
I think you should have apologised for telling me to f off
Different opinions see?
But you're right lets leave it now, I won't press you on it

I don't think really you are back to square one Brette.Your Ds is in a new , strange and stressful environment.I think a few lapses are almost inevitable.
The school are totally barmy for excluding a 4 yr old for what ,even. at 4 is still not at uncommon. If he was in the Reception Yr1 class where I work he would have missed some playtime and a word to his parents.
I am glad you are going to have a meeting with the school and hope that you can get a better co-ordinated approach.

Brette, I hope the school is more cooperative when you go to meet them. You've obviously had a rough time.

Am a bit stunned by some of this thread. My kids are still nursery age (DS has come home with bite marks a few times, been the biter twice) - they always tell me he was bitten; have never asked who, or what they've done about it, etc; I'm quite sure it's dealt with, and if I were not sure, I'd ask. At nursery.

Do mothers at school really have a go at each other because of the actions of a 4 year old during the school day??? what is it supposed to achieve? Does it ever achieve anything (positive, I mean)?

Am really not looking forward to the school gate if this is how it works (not that I expect my kids to be other than wonderfully behaved, but....)

To the posters who have expressed concern about the need to protect the bitten child
I would like to remind you that this was a PROVOKED bite, the solution is therefore in the hands of the bitten child./Don't steal anotrher child's toys !! !

To the poster who daid she had taught primary for many years and thought biting at 4 was very uncommon.

and to the mother whose daughter was so traumatised by a bite that she wouldn't go back in the classroom again - i wonder how much of this was as a result of the mother's horror.I mean presumably she has skinned her knee on a playground before.Is she now terrified of playgrounds ?

That Katiestar was me,in 15 years of teaching I've only encountered one biting incident in a rec class not a persistent biter I might add. I've taught in several different settings too. It is deemed as unusual in rec,in pre-school it happens occasionally by rec it generally doesn't.

We don't know the ins and outs of the toy incident. In rec children have to learn to share,hoarding of toys can be frustrating for children. A bite that is so strong it draws blood is not on in retaliation to a toy being removed. Children at this age are often still snatching and learning to be patient.

Biting is horrible plain and simple. The biter bares it's teeth and it bloody hurts,the child being bitten can't escape. A child who has just started rec has every right to find it frightening and it's parent has every right to be unhappy with it.

My rec boys constantly have bumps and bruises from the playground, they are completely different to the injuries inflicted by somebody sinking their teeth into you. A scrape doesn't hurt in the same way mentally or physically.

I've never ever complained about an injury my dc have come home with and being a mum of twin boys there have been a few so I am in no way a fussy parent. However if my dc came home from rec having had a blood drawing bite I would be mighty hacked off as I suspect most parents would. Just because you'd gloss over it doesn't mean we all should.

MilaMae I am truly,truly astonished that you have only come across one instance of biting in 15 years !
There is alot of crossover in terms of age between preschool and reception though isn't there.I mean you can have children aged between 4.0 and 4.11 in either.So to say it happens in pre-school but not in reception is rather odd.
I work as a TA in a mixed Rec and YR1 class and certainly in the few years i have been there there has always been one or 2 prone to biting.My children went/go to a different school and I think they have all been bitten at some stage in their school career.My poor nephew even had a bite that went septic ! And it is a very nice area we live in .

Oh and don't get me wrong I feel almost faint at the sight of a bite on my DCs lovely soft skin ,but life is full of trials and tribulations .

I'm surprised at your experience Katie as it isn't that common in pre-school so by school in my experience it is definately not a regular occurance. I can't speak for your experience only my own and that of my teaching acquaintances.

I don't generally feel faint at marks on my dc's skin if I did I'd feel permanently ill as they are normal lively 4 and 5 year olds but where bite marks are concerned and the distress that generally accompanies them I certainly would feel a certain amount of concern.

Either way it's very unpleasant for all involved,I think the op excepts that now.

My experience has been that my children have been very little worried by ordinary bumps on the playground. Ds got quite worried when someone kept knocking him down in the playground. But when he was bitten at the childminders he was very distressed, even before we knew about it (so unlikely to be guided by our reaction); I can only assume that it hurt more and for longer, particularly as he kept getting upset about it and bringing it up while we were anxious to downplay it. I hasten to add that I had every sympathy with the biter's Mum.

So I would bear this in mind. It is likely that the other children are showing more upset than from an ordinary punch or fall. Of course this makes it even more difficult for the parent whose dc does not have the maturity to understand this.

MilaMae
Either way it's very unpleasant for all involved,I think the op excepts that NOW...

The op has ALWAYS accepted that.

Thank you, brette for correcting that spelling (accept)! And English is not even your first language. It always distresses me to see how many primary school teachers are incapable of spelling the simplest of words.

Update:
AS soon as we got to school this morning, we spoke to the mum of the child he bit after the "bloody" incident. She was completely fine about it, said she understood, no big deal. Phew!

Then the SENCO saw us and immediatly came to us and asked that we could have a chat. She had takent the time to read all the reports about Ds over the we, had many ideas about how to deal with it, the school's educational therapist will be able to observe him.
And also, she wants the teacher to explain to all the kids that when he's engrosses in an activity, they have to leave him alone.
And she wants to work on reinforcing friendships.
We've agreed that there might be a sensory issue.

Regarding the half-day exclusion/suspension/go-home-now-thing, she said that given the gravity of the incident, they needed time "to regroup" and see what options/ressources were available. Quite not the explanation I got from the head but anyway. The most important thing is that she is determined to ge things going for Ds.

We are extremely relieved...

All sounds good Brette

Excellent Brette ... sounds like a really good plan.

"taken" "engrosses" "get"... ;)

"taken" "engrossed" "get"...

That sounds positive. Just make sure you keep moving things on yourself, too. However great the senco sounds I'm sure she has a lot on her plate and you probably want to make sure your DH stays near the top of her pile. Nicely, like .

I am relieved for you that they have found a strategy to work to. Hope it wotls out for you and DS.

FWIW our school uses the term "exclusion" for any absence from school due to behaviour, even being sent home early.

scummymummy, your teachers response to your DS biting made me chuckle. So they wouldn't have told him off if he'd hit back then? My DS has been in situations like that too, and he usually gets into trouble for it (he is no fighter, he is trying to get away, not stand his ground and fight back). Today he is in isolation because he kicked and swore at another boy who was holding him by the neck so a bigger child could beat him up. This is at secondary school, and the kids who were at primary with him know how to push his buttons

Brette - I have been reading this with interest as your son sounds similar to mine. Ds is now 5 and in Yr 1. He never bit but had a highly developed sense of "justice" and if another child infringed it, he would react in an inappropriately aggressive way.

We have no magic solution and it sounds like the school is doing everything it can so I would just make 2 points:

1. We found that we had to teach ds social skills which I think most children would just pick-up. As others say, this in part involves giving him an appropriate way to react when another child invades his space - we told ds to shout "no".

1. Ds is large, articulate and aggressive. As a result of his actions in the first few months of school, we found that his class teacher had a tendancy to demonise him. He would be punished for something which other children would get away with or where there was a dispute between ds and another child, it would always be assumed that ds was at fault. When we realised that this was happening, I took to asking ds's teacher at least once a week what his behaviour had been like and what her take on various instances had been. I think that this helped both of us - she saw that there was another perspective to what had happened and I got a chance to reinforce the class discipline that she tried to impose.

Don't have much else to say except to sympathise how traumatic the transition to school can be for parents when everything does not work out quite how it is supposed to.

brette I am very glad for you and DS

Good luck and I am sorry that you have had to deal with some horrible posts on here .