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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell other parents I do not want to look after their kids

304 replies

ABetaDad · 07/02/2009 17:36

This is the first time I started a topic on Mumsnet and I afraid it is a bit of a rant.

I am sick to death of other parents coming up to me and my wife and 'suggesting' that our kids come over to their house for a 'play date' or a 'sleep over'.

As night follows day I can be sure we suddenly get a whole host of new friends as it comes up to half-term and full term holidays. People I have never spoken to at the school gate suddenly saying little Jemma or Alice or Richard or Charles of whatever would like your children to come and visit.

I am sorry but the answer is NO. I know what you are up to. You are trying to blag free day or evening of childcare in return for feeding my kids orange squash and sitting them in front of a video for a couple of hours. I am NOT interested.

I pay for my kids to go to school holiday camp every day because I work from home. I do not go out in the evenings and I do not look after other people's kids. If I wanted to be a childminder I would have chosen that career and if I need a child minder I will pay for one.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

seeker · 08/02/2009 18:12

I don't know if they've been reciprocated or not. If my children want someone back they can, unless there's a really good reason why not. I don't keep a tally!

Flamesparrow · 08/02/2009 18:27

DS has a sleep over lined up already. He is 3 in a couple of weeks His friend sees his sister having them, and has been given DS sleeping over as a bribe for successful potty training!

MrsPurple · 08/02/2009 18:30

my 5 year old went through a stage of wanting friends from school back every week. I didn't have a problem, so children have been 3 or 4 times and some she has been to their house.

I don't keep tally if it makes my child happy and I can accomadate the play date along with a quick chat with other parent and swapping of numbers it tends to go ahead.

You still haven't said how old your DC's are?

I've even had one mother inviting both my DC's (3 and 5)over as she has children same age and it is easier as no bickering).

I'd love to be a witness to your school drop off tomorrow as it sounds comical to the point of absurd. My DH has a good laugh at this thread.

Original poster

ABetaDad · 08/02/2009 18:46

MrsPurple

My kids are under 12 so cannot go anywhere on their own.

Glad your husband is enjoying the thread but you should ask him if he ever got chased by a mummy in 4 x 4 asking for a 'play date' or a 'sleep over'.

I am not going to school tomorrow as we are snowed in already and no doubt Tuesday will be a write off so I only have to get through Wednesday - Friday.

OP posts:

Flamesparrow · 08/02/2009 18:48

They have to be 12 to be out of your sight?

dizzyTHETARTANARMYdixies · 08/02/2009 18:52

good grief what a load of nonsense

I love having other people's kids over as it means they all disappear and I don't see them

I have no idea about reciprocation as its all about helping each other out where I am

my Dh works shifts which can be a right PITA and a friend of mine has a DH who works away from home, we help each other out where we can without keeping tabs on who 'owes' what

get over yourself, its all about the kids - not you

Original poster

ABetaDad · 08/02/2009 19:01

My wife was once approached by a woman at the school gate with kids the same age as ours about a 'playdate'. My wife turned her down after she had been very persistent and my wife explained to her that we always sent our kids to after school care and holiday clubs during holidays so it really was not going to be convenient.

The woman turned to my wife and said "I don't pay for child care if I can get away with it" and walked away to ask another parent stood nearby of she would be willing to do a 'play date'

The brass neck of it!

OP posts:

piscesmoon · 08/02/2009 19:07

Why would you pay for child care if you can manage without?! Mine are old enough now to not need it but when they were younger I much prefered to have a mutual agreement with another mother. When I was a SAHM I was quite happy to help out people who worked-knowing that child care isn't always easy.
It all seems very unfriendly-no doubt your DCs will soon get left out of arrangements.

ladyjuliafish · 08/02/2009 19:12

So now you think that if you turn someone down then they should sit at home alone rather than see other people. I got knocked back last week when I asked my friend if she wanted to go for a coffee after dropping dcs at school. She couldn't make it so I went over to visit another friend who I hadn't seen for a few weeks. Behold my brass neck.

MrsPurple · 08/02/2009 19:13

abetadad my dh wants to know if that's a playdate or sleep over with the mummy in the 4x4?

But seriously he wouldn't have a problem. He thinks you need to be assertive and say no if you don't want to participate.

Again playing devils advocate but could it be that the parents at school are winding you up if it's along standing gripe?

The playground for parents can be a stressful experience, you just need to learn how to handle it.

p.s it still doesn't change my mind on play dates, I'm all for them

Clary · 08/02/2009 19:45

betadad, feel quite for your DC that they have never had anyone over for a play!

How old are they I wonder?

Also you are quite mistaken if you imagine that "socialising evey day" with other children and holiday club and after school club is the same as having a good friend over to play after school (or going to their house).

DD's best friend never goes to ASC or hols club as her mum works in education. Children like to play with their friends in their home I find.

I agree with ormirian (as usual) - why do the parents have to be your pals? And what do your DC think about this?

Yr DC are under 12 I see - does that mean they can't go to a pal's house to play without you then ??

(My older DC are 9 and 7 btw and go to the shop on their own sometimes )

fizzylemonade and others, the OP is complainign about people asking his children to play. I still don't get it

PerArduaAdAmor · 08/02/2009 20:21

I'm wondering if the Mums in the playground are taking pity on the Betas as their DCs don't seem to be allowed their own friends, and Mr and Mrs don't even like to make polite conversation...

Somewhere in the tinterweb is an 'AIBU to wonder if these children are being reared in a cult'.

clam · 08/02/2009 20:31

Abetadad, rest assured that, if I meet you on the playground, I will not be angling for an invite round to yours, OK?

Minxie1977 · 08/02/2009 20:34

PerArduaAdAmor

Maybe not a cult but joyless, miserable, hellish existence of after scool clubs.

Let's face it I don't hink OP likes to look after his own children!

susia · 08/02/2009 20:38

what a bizarre point of view you have - OP. I work and my son goes to after school club 3 days per week. But I am delighted if he is invited to go on a playdate on one of those because DESPITE the fact that I would still HAVE TO PAY for the after school club (as I have to pay a term in advance), I know he prefers to other people's houses to play than to stay at school! Likewise he loves having other children over on the days I pick him as do the other children (rather than stay in childcare).

I usually work half the holidays so my son does go to holiday club but the same applies. I will have paid in advance for the childcare but be very happy if he is invited over to friend's instead as it will be more of a holiday. I feel really guilty if he spends too much of his holiday in holiday club because although he enjoys it, he prefers being at friend's house and having them here.

I am happy to help out friends and their children, because my son enjoys it and this is what childhood is about, playing at other people's houses, being outside school, doing things with your mates...

My own childhood was like this, my mother didn't work and neither did my next door neigbour's mother. We spent our whole childhoods playing with their children, sleeping over etc. It was fantastic.

I want my son to grow up sociable and happy, he is an only child but loves other children. He sometimes stays over at a friend's house and this is his greatest enjoyment. Sometimes this is an opportunity for me to go out, sometimes not. Mostly it is actually an inconvience for me as my friend lives a few miles from me but I do it because he and my friend's son love it and get up to all sorts as they do when he stays here.

I think it is really sad especially that (although I understand that many working parents need after school and holiday care - as do I) that you think that this is better for your children than having mates that they can see and call on.

You say your children are under 12 so I assume that they are around 9/10 or thereabouts. I think you will find that in a few years this will be beyond your control and your kids will be staying out at friends whether you like it or not.

susia · 08/02/2009 20:42

By the way a friend of mine has a 15 year old is over at friend's houses all the time 3/4 nights a week. She is just glad she is happy and is equally happy that her daughter's friends see her house as their home too.

midnightexpress · 08/02/2009 21:12

You could do what we once did (inadvertently): our friends came over with their DCs, and when we suggested going to the park, they said oh yes that's great, we'll go to the supermarket and pick them up on our way home . So we took all the children (theirs and ours) to the park and within ten minutes they were all covered in mud from head to toe and their DD's (highly inappropriate) shoes were completely ruined.

But they never did it again.

YABcompletelyU you miserable so-and-so.

catMandu · 08/02/2009 21:32

Over the last two weeks I have had a child here to play every single school day, three times I've had two - I have three dc's. I love it.

This week I've had to ask one mother if she could have my ds as I have a funeral to go to and she was more than happy to help. I've had her ds loads, no idea which one of us has had the other's child more, mostly because life is too short.

I've only once been asked to have someone's child during school hols and that was my dd's best friend and I was very happy to help.

FWIW I was packed off to school holiday camps and hated, hated, hated them - I would have loved to have gone to a friends for the day. You sound miserable.

ChippingIn · 09/02/2009 14:36

ABetaDad - you find it strange a 6 year old asks to have friends over to play??? What planet are you on? Are your kids so repressed (scared of you barking NO) that they have never asked for a friend to come and play, or did they ask and you said no so many times they don't even ask anymore. God I feel sorry for your kids (and your wife).

FYI 6 year olds DO ask for friends to come and play. LO (3) asks most days who is coming to play and when can (name any and all kids in her class) come and play....

lljkk - perhaphs the parents of your DD & DS2 friends are struggling with working long hours or accomodating the different kids in their families... I would try not to take it toooooo personally

ChippingIn · 09/02/2009 14:48

Nighbynight - that's a shame for your DC's I am at home with LO's (3 & 22 months) Little Miss 3 is at nursery every morning (not optional at her school) so it's like she is at proper school already! I'm not bothered that we have her friends here more than she goes to other peoples places (especially when the other kids parents work - it's impossible for them to take turns!!), I don't mind the 'extras' and even if I did, why further punish the kids by not letting them play together after school just because it's not 50/50... pathetic.

thirtysomething · 09/02/2009 15:12

I don't get this - how do kids secure friendships if their parent assumes other children only want to play with them so they'll get reciprocal invites?? I think maybe you are a) doing your kids a disservice by assuming they wouldn't be asked just because their friends actually like them! b) being harsh and mistrusting regarding other parents by being so blatantly certain of their motivation c)denying your kids of potentially good opportunities for learning to share their space/toys at your house with other kids...We have loads of kids over to play without any expectation of a return invite. I do it to make sure my kids get the opportunity to socialise at home - I can't control whether their friends' parents feel like doing the same - often they are too busy and work v. long hours and I'm abs fine with that!! I just like to have children round so i feel like I'm doing the right thing by my own DC. ps. often it's simply easier to invite kids round in the holidays so maybe that's why your obviously popular kids have had invites now??

Nighbynight · 09/02/2009 18:38

thanks chipping. I think the mums here genuinely dont realise that working full time means every day, and that I need my holidays when teh chidlren are sick. they dont mean to be mean, they just think I dont want to be friendly.

Nighbynight · 09/02/2009 18:40

Must add - I too am shocked, that any invitations we extend for play or sleepovers would be contrued as trying to get babysitting on the cheap.

Original poster

ABetaDad · 09/02/2009 19:21

ChippingIn @ 14:48:35

No need to feel sorry for my kids and wife. My wife feels even more strongly about it than I do and my kids told me last night they love after school and holiday camp.

OP posts:

Original poster

ABetaDad · 09/02/2009 19:21

ChippingIn @ 14:48:35

No need to feel sorry for my kids and wife. My wife feels even more strongly about it than I do and my kids told me last night they love after school and holiday camp.

OP posts:

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