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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell other parents I do not want to look after their kids

304 replies

ABetaDad · 07/02/2009 17:36

This is the first time I started a topic on Mumsnet and I afraid it is a bit of a rant.

I am sick to death of other parents coming up to me and my wife and 'suggesting' that our kids come over to their house for a 'play date' or a 'sleep over'.

As night follows day I can be sure we suddenly get a whole host of new friends as it comes up to half-term and full term holidays. People I have never spoken to at the school gate suddenly saying little Jemma or Alice or Richard or Charles of whatever would like your children to come and visit.

I am sorry but the answer is NO. I know what you are up to. You are trying to blag free day or evening of childcare in return for feeding my kids orange squash and sitting them in front of a video for a couple of hours. I am NOT interested.

I pay for my kids to go to school holiday camp every day because I work from home. I do not go out in the evenings and I do not look after other people's kids. If I wanted to be a childminder I would have chosen that career and if I need a child minder I will pay for one.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
compo · 08/02/2009 12:40

maybe all the requests for playdates are a red herring and all the mum's are after you

AnyFuckerForAShiteSoppyCard · 08/02/2009 13:08

pmsl, compo, I thought that too

AbetaDad, they are all trying to get into your pants !!!

not

Original poster
ABetaDad · 08/02/2009 13:44

I am starting to get worried that a few people are sugesting that some Mums are trying to get into my pants.

It is not going to happen but now you have put that thought there I do not know if I can handle turning up at the school gate at all.

OP posts:
cory · 08/02/2009 14:08

Errhhmmmm... BetaDad, it could also be just possible that nobody is that interested in you at all. That it's your kids that are the attraction. That it's actually about them, not about you or about their parents.

Fizzylemonade · 08/02/2009 15:31

I have to say I totally agree with ABetaDad.

I have been warned by my friend who works part-time and has children who are now at secondary school to be very careful as I am a SAHM. She has experienced this herself with people trying to take advantage of half terms etc.

Holidays and snow days do cause problems for some parents who work and people do try to wrangle free childcare for the day etc in the guise of it being a playdate.

I am fortunate that I have a boy (the girls seem to do much more playdates and after school teas) his best friend comes for tea every couple of weeks and his Mum has my son. I make it easy for her to stay a bit later at work and fall into whatever day works best for her. But they are best friends who are in yr1 and have been since reception.

I do sometimes take her son to school if she has an early meeting but I never feel that she is taking advantage of me because these times are rare and out of her control.

I believe that when people find out you work from home they do believe that you are available to have children at your house and take time out of your day to attend to their needs.

We don't have any eye candy at our school gate

stuffitllama · 08/02/2009 15:33

God I think you're a nutter.

Guess who only read the front page.

As you were.

Original poster
ABetaDad · 08/02/2009 15:37

Fizzylemonade

Believe me - I am not eye candy.

OP posts:
piscesmoon · 08/02/2009 15:46

I have just left it to my DCs-they know if they want to have a child to play or go to their house. I go along with what they want so it doesn't bother me if it isn't reciprocated or I am being taken advantage of.
Being taken advantage of has its good points-if you are really stuck some time you don't feel too bad at asking if they can help out.
Any parent needs a mutual support network, even if you normally have everything under control there can be a sudden emergency.

seeker · 08/02/2009 16:42

I am a sahm, I have very low domestic standards, a car with 8 seats and I live in the country. I don't have much room inside, but plenty of outside space. I am happy to have children to play - and to drop them home again if necessary. I don't keep a count of recipricocity!

OrmIrian · 08/02/2009 16:50

" know thay are after free child care. There is no other reason for asking. They are not my friends and they never asked before."

Why do they have to be 'your' friends though? They are the parents of your DCs friends. You and the they are irrelevant. What matters is the children. If you tell me that your DC don't want to go on the playdates I would agree with you but you didn't say that.

However if you really think that they are simply seeding the ground for free childcare, you can just fail to reciprocate. FWIW I would never expect anyone to offer an entire day as a response to a few hours one afternoon.

OrmIrian · 08/02/2009 16:55

In fact the more I think about that more confused I am. I have never invited children to playdates because I know/like their parents. What has that got to do with anything? What usually happens is one of my DC runs up to me at school pick up time, begging that X comes home for tea rightnow! And it takes ten mins of negotiation with children and the other parent to agree on next Thursday and to exchange addresses and phone numbers.

psychomum5 · 08/02/2009 16:57

I have changed my mind about this since reading this post.......----"""By ABetaDad Sun 08-Feb-09 11:38:45

violethill

I am beginning to like your thinking.

Problem is I cannot drive so I cannot outrun them in their 4 x 4 tractors. Once I did actually have a mother follow me in her 4 x 4 and wind down the window to ask - a short of 'drive by' playdate request.

Luckily, I have found a narrow pathway they cannot follow me down and I know they cannot reverse too well in their 4 x 4 so I wait until they are pointing the wrong way and then make a run for it."""

I don;t think they were chasing you to ask for a playdate, I think they were actually gunning for you for being so irritating, but you stopped and so they had to come up with some other story.

as do all the others in the playground.........tis not cos of 'free' childcare, tis to rid the playground of you!!!

Oh I know its sounds like I am joking here - but this is the level I have get to in order to avoid the issue.

piscesmoon · 08/02/2009 17:02

I agree with OrmIrain-having children home to play has nothing to do with the parents.

drlove8 · 08/02/2009 17:12

Abetadad i think the problem is that other parents assume your a stay at home dad ,rather than a working from home dad. it is a bit cheaky to have somene you dont know to ask you to host a playdate! there are rules to these things. 1) get to know parent and child by polite chit-chat at school gates first. 2) wait until your child is invited to playdate, never ask someone else to "take" your child!.3)make sure you child likes the other child first before you invite them over!.you have my sympathy on this one abetadad, but perhaps you should just say that you are working from home, not a stay at home, and you cant work and look after several kids so yours go to after school groups,and offer the number/ address to the other parent?

Katiestar · 08/02/2009 17:15

I don't understand why you don't just arrange the reciprocal playdate for after they have gone back to school ?

ladyjuliafish · 08/02/2009 17:27

But they aren't asking you to have their dcs, they are asking if your dcs want to go to their house. Unless your children are so horrid that them having friends is unbelievable then I don't see your problem. Why would they hone in on a working parent whose dcs go to after school and holiday care if what they really want is free childcare? Ds1s best friend has a very odd mother. We aren't friends at all, I find her hard to talk to but our boys have spent lots of time at each others houses, because they like each other. I don't force him to be friends with my friends children instead.

piscesmoon · 08/02/2009 17:31

I agree with Katiestar-if you think it is just because a holiday coming up you can say 'that would be lovely and arrange a date for when the schools are back'.

lljkk · 08/02/2009 17:32

I know I shouldn't bother, I really don't get this. Just do a custardo and don't invite back if you don't want to. It's very simple. Or do you find it hard to say "No" to your own children?

It's quite upsetting to me actually, that no matter how many playdates DD has hosted (many dozens, many repeats of same children) she has rarely been invited back anywhere. Our reprication rate for DS2 is also zero, but a very healthy 70% or so for DS1. Shall I assume that most the parents around here are paranoid prats like the OP?

Original poster
ABetaDad · 08/02/2009 17:34

Quite a few posts have said that their child is coming home and asking if they can have a'play date' or 'sleep over' at someone's house.

Don't you think its a bit strange for a 6 year old to even think of asking that and why is it always just before holidays?

Who do you think is really 'suggesting' the play date or sleep over. I sit teh child or their parent?

Its easier to get your child to ask than ask the parent direct. I know this is happening because when I ignore it then eventually I find the parent gets desperate enough to ask me themself and by then we are just a few days away from the crucial date.

OP posts:
MadamDeathstare · 08/02/2009 17:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadamDeathstare · 08/02/2009 17:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ladyjuliafish · 08/02/2009 17:47

I'm a SAHM. I have loads of family and friends close by. DH is self employed and can be flexible with his hours and sometimes take dcs to work. I see my sister (also a SAHM) most days and she has dcs the same age as mine. I could not be less in need of free childcare. My ds asks his friends/friends parents if they can come over and play all the time. I imagine he has got the idea from visiting friends from babyhood, seeing DH and I have friends over and generally being sociable. He particularly likes to see his friends during the holidays as he misses them.

hatwoman · 08/02/2009 17:49

"Don't you think its a bit strange for a 6 year old to even think of asking that" not remotely. in fact I think it's really straneg to think that it's strange. kids love playdates and sleepovers - and as soon as they become aware of their existence (which can be from a very early age if they have older siblings)they start hankering for them. do you not remember being a kid and asking/pestering for so and so to come and play/ asking so and so if you can come and play at their house?

bigTillyMint · 08/02/2009 17:52

I agree that if it is parents that you don't know just before a holiday, their motives may not be entirely faultless.

How old are your DC? Don't they have "best friends" at school that they want to invite round? My DC often ask if a friend can come after school. I know most of their friends from the playground and the park next to school, even though many of the parents are not and never will be my friends.

Some of them never invite DC back - maye because they work full-time, etc. This does not stop me letting DC invite the friend again.

We do lots of reciprocal sleepovers with long-term friends of ours, which works out really well for all concerned, but would not do them for children / families we don't know well.

Nighbynight · 08/02/2009 17:56

Tilly, I could hug you. I work ft, and cant return invitations easily - we are always behind, and mostly my children dont get invited twice. I know its terrible.