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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell other parents I do not want to look after their kids

304 replies

ABetaDad · 07/02/2009 17:36

This is the first time I started a topic on Mumsnet and I afraid it is a bit of a rant.

I am sick to death of other parents coming up to me and my wife and 'suggesting' that our kids come over to their house for a 'play date' or a 'sleep over'.

As night follows day I can be sure we suddenly get a whole host of new friends as it comes up to half-term and full term holidays. People I have never spoken to at the school gate suddenly saying little Jemma or Alice or Richard or Charles of whatever would like your children to come and visit.

I am sorry but the answer is NO. I know what you are up to. You are trying to blag free day or evening of childcare in return for feeding my kids orange squash and sitting them in front of a video for a couple of hours. I am NOT interested.

I pay for my kids to go to school holiday camp every day because I work from home. I do not go out in the evenings and I do not look after other people's kids. If I wanted to be a childminder I would have chosen that career and if I need a child minder I will pay for one.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
puffling · 09/02/2009 22:54

YANBU. These women sound hideous. Come and live up north. I don't know anyone who even knows the term 'play date' here.

Original poster
ABetaDad · 09/02/2009 23:02

puffling

You are a genius. After 252 posts you have hit the nail very squarely on the head.

Me and my wife ARE from up North but we live in the South Midlands and I have sort of thought for a while it is a very Southern thing.

Problem solved everyone - as you were.

Its us Northerners. We just do not understand the concept of a play date.

OP posts:
susia · 09/02/2009 23:09

there are some parents at my son's school who run a dentist's practice together. She had to go back to work part time 3 months after her baby was born and her 5 year old now spends quite alot of time in after school care. She was saying she feels really guilty about it so I offered to have her son over every Thursday instead. I don't want anything in return, she has enough on her plate but my son ( and her son) love it.

I honestly feel for kids who are always in after school care but I know usually the parents need it because of work but I can't understand how anyone would think that preferable to playing at home or someone else's home with their friends.

I really think your children will not thank you for not allowing them friends when they are older. Especially not sleepovers which my son absolutely LOVES whether at our house or elsewhere. I would gladly have other kids stay over most weekends for the happieness it gives my son (without wanting it back!)and they are easier to look after when theres two of them playing!

I really feel for your kids and think you should rethink some of your parenting attitudes.

BlueSapphire77 · 09/02/2009 23:13

Not going to comment on the OP but will stick my neck out n say that i don't think the pitchforks should be out, have seen ABD on other threads

susia · 09/02/2009 23:22

he seems to have missed a major aspect of parenting though...friendships

BoffinMum · 10/02/2009 06:51

Well I grew up in Lincolnshire, which is technically oop north, and we played round each others' houses all the time. We even did sleepovers, but one kid at a time.

LoveBeingAMummy · 10/02/2009 07:18

It just shows whats wrong with society today - everyting has to be instant. I can remember my mum making friends with other mums at school, only a couple and we would go to each others to play OCCASSIONALLY. But this was built up over a period of time afterall why would you trust someone you don't know with your kids just because their kids go to the same school???????

Keep running abetadad, maybe a few nails in your pocket to stop the 4x4's if they start going off road and chasing you further.

MouseMate · 10/02/2009 07:37

ABetaDad may be over the top with the playdate thing, but speaking as someone who had NO CHOICE but to send my DD to full time nursery and now NO CHOICE but to use an after school club I am really at the comments regarding childcare.

So glad to find that people are 'honestly feeling for for kids who are in after school care'......'worry that my kids in playschemes would have a very limited view of the world'.......'After school and holiday camp every day - jesus, sorry but your poor kids'......I feel sorry for DCs who only experience paid care'.......

How lovely to see so many people on mumsnet judging someone for working.......

MouseMate · 10/02/2009 07:41

(should have been at the end of the post, WOHM Vs SAHM notwithstanding)

ssd · 10/02/2009 08:10

too many folk on here scream "don't judge me for working" when others are only giving their opinion

kids in full time care before/after school and during the school holidays are poor wee souls, imagine going to your office when everyone else is on holiday? the kids I know who do this hate it and their parents spend all their time trying to justify it

thats my opinion based on what I've seen and heard from at least 7 kids in this position

ssd · 10/02/2009 08:16

ABetaDad, if I have read this thread correctly, you are looking after the kids at home whilst your wife works. You have 2 sets of grandparents who are wonderful at helping out and you send your kids to all the childcare schemes available, so in reality you don't see too much of your kids?

The question that confuses me is why do other parents want to leave their kids with you? You don't sound too interested in your own kids never mind anyone elses.

Oblomov · 10/02/2009 08:28

ssd, have you actually any suggestions for how to manage.
Ds has just started reception. And I am on maternity leave. BUT when the time comes. DH and I worked out that there are 13 weeks of holidays. And dh gets 5 weeks and I get 5 weeks. So we couldn't even cover it, even if we never spent anytime together as a family. We still need 3 weeks.
Which means that quite ALOT of playscheme, playdates, sending ds on 'holiday' to my sil for a week etc etc, is going to HAVE to go on.

This is the same for everyone i assume.
For those sprouting playschemes etc as evil. what exactly are you suggesting as an alternative ?

southeastastra · 10/02/2009 08:31

who is moaning about playschemes?! (not read thread) the children who come to ours are lucky!

Oblomov · 10/02/2009 08:31

MrsPurple, could you please link to the thread on school holidays and clubs, becasue I would like to read it. Many thanks.

MouseMate · 10/02/2009 08:37

So SSD what can I do?

I have to work. My working hours are longer that DDs school hours. There are no childminders near me with spaces (or who I could afford). What exactly do you suggest I do other than put DD in ASC?

DD gets 13 weeks school holidays. I get 6 weeks annoual leave. What should I do for the other 7 weeks?

GPs are too far away, and in failing health (both sides).

Please give me a solution rather than spouting such drivel .......'poor wee souls' and 'the kids I know who do this hate it and their parents spend all their time trying to justify it'

Oh and , please tell me, what exactly is it that you do?

BoffinMum · 10/02/2009 09:01

MouseMate, you have various options:

  1. Become a benefit scrounger.
  2. Downsize to a yurt and live off the land.
  3. Become a teacher in your children's school (because if it's another school there will still be mismatches of school closure days and so on)
  4. Polygamy
piscesmoon · 10/02/2009 09:59

I am a northerner and while I would never call it a play date (too American) I would say that DCs go to each others houses all the time to play. I think that people are generally friendlier in the north and wouldn't read anything into their child being asked to play, and probably wouldn't care if they did.

Merrylegs · 10/02/2009 10:13

By ABetaDad ...
"I am sick to death of other parents ..."

"....It was like walking through a cattle market on Friday morning at the school gate...."

"...their 4 x 4 tractors. Once I did actually have a mother follow me in her 4 x 4..."

OMG. I've just got it.

Abetadad is really Jeremy Clarkson.

Tell me I'm right.

piscesmoon · 10/02/2009 10:14

I think you've got it Merrylegs!!

MouseMate · 10/02/2009 10:40

BoffinMum - now Yurt living sounds fine.....the others however...

(mind you, I have been known to muse on how much fun it would be to have a wife rather than a husband - she could be a SAHM and do all the cooking, cleaning and childcare whilst I just get the good bits when I've finished my busy and important day at the office , so Polyogamy is also an option)

LowSlungAndOverhung · 10/02/2009 11:07

Just caught up with this thread and feel that I need to make myself clear as I do not want the OP to identify with me as wholly agreeing with him. The more I read the more I see that his views are a bit odd.

I have had lots of experience of strategic play-dating and a couple of bad experiences of dump-and-runs. This is because, in general, we have a lot of children coming to play and my children enjoy going to their friends houses.

So, whilst I sympathised with the OP from his original post in that I recognise the steely-glint of a working parent on a mission, I do not support his view that everyone is like this.

As a working parent, I know how hard it is to sort out childcare. In my very humble opinion, childcare and playdates are two very different things (unless both parties explicity agree and the children like each other). I do hope that the OP lets his children have play dates at home sometimes.

Also, whilst I think Jeremy Clarkson is a bit of a twozzer on the telly, imagine what a playdate would be like at his house for some small boys. [/hero worship]

Original poster
ABetaDad · 10/02/2009 12:00

LoveBeingAMummy @ 07:18:58

That is a nice post and very reasonable suggestion.

I very much agree with you. I do have friends and have got to know them slowly and their children and yes they do come to our house and their kids do as well. If a good friend rang in a real crisis and asked if they could leave their kids then of course I would say yes.

That is a lot different form the experience I have of parents who I barely know and just being very pushy about organising play dates in the playground just before half term.

OP posts:
Original poster
ABetaDad · 10/02/2009 12:02

ssd @ 08:16:50

No I work with my wife at home. We do not have Grandparent help. That is why we use after school and holiday clubs.

OP posts:
funtimewincies · 10/02/2009 12:35

Erm... isn't half term the best time to arrange to go over for tea or to play, because there is no school and they won't be so tired and they'll...have...more...time....

Or am I just being thick and missing something ?

Merrylegs · 10/02/2009 12:55

Like those back to back repeats of Top Gear on 'Dave', I see this one is going to run and run....

We're all picking away at the scab here.

While most would broadly agree, steely-eyed haridans at the school gates, brainwashing us into caring for their children in half term, are generally A Bad Thing, we are all striving to understand where ABDad is coming from.

Does he REALLY mean his kids have NEVER had any one over to play from school?

Does he REALLY expect the parents of the rare kids he does invite over, to stay with their children for the duration of the 'playdate'?

Does he REALLY think he has most people on his side on this thread?

Is is REALLY from oop-north? Or oop-north via the planet Zargon?