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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell other parents I do not want to look after their kids

304 replies

ABetaDad · 07/02/2009 17:36

This is the first time I started a topic on Mumsnet and I afraid it is a bit of a rant.

I am sick to death of other parents coming up to me and my wife and 'suggesting' that our kids come over to their house for a 'play date' or a 'sleep over'.

As night follows day I can be sure we suddenly get a whole host of new friends as it comes up to half-term and full term holidays. People I have never spoken to at the school gate suddenly saying little Jemma or Alice or Richard or Charles of whatever would like your children to come and visit.

I am sorry but the answer is NO. I know what you are up to. You are trying to blag free day or evening of childcare in return for feeding my kids orange squash and sitting them in front of a video for a couple of hours. I am NOT interested.

I pay for my kids to go to school holiday camp every day because I work from home. I do not go out in the evenings and I do not look after other people's kids. If I wanted to be a childminder I would have chosen that career and if I need a child minder I will pay for one.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
overdraft · 10/02/2009 13:06

I thought I would come back to this to day and find out it was a wind up!

ChippingIn · 10/02/2009 14:48

Merrylegs via Zargon for sure!!

MouseMate - have you read the whole thread? I'm guessing probably not as it goes on a bit! I have been one of the people saying 'poor kids', what I am getting at is that he sends them to ASC and (in his own words) everyday of every school holiday, to a programme. He and his wife work from home, you can't tell me they can't at least be there for their kids after school/in the holidays at least some of the time. His children are not allowed their friends over, even at the weekend (he freely admits they have never had one school friend over). Other people are asking HIS children to THEIR house to play and he wont let them go. Which is nothing like your situation - so please don't take it personally.

To answer your question about what you should do... well, I'll assume that one of you not working or working part time is something you have decided you don't want to do. So... When I was 9-13 we had to go to other peoples homes (friends of Mum & Dads, 4 lots in that time. M&D paid them of course). I think from 10 or so I would have been allowed to go home alone, but I had a little brother (4 years younger) and they didn't want me to have to be responsible for him as well and I hated it. It wasn't that the people weren't nice or anything (although some were better than others), it was just that I wanted to go to my house, with my things and play with my friends after school etc. I would have far prefered to have had someone come to mind us at our house. (Well, what I really wanted was to come home on our own but this would have been almost as good!!) The best year out of all of them was when our neighbour looked after us, which meant we could also play in our garden (swings/slide/trampoline/guinea pigs) and she had a key so that if there was something we wanted we could go and get it - it was so much better. School holiday programmes are ok - but as someone else said, it's like not being on holiday when everyone else is....

hatwoman · 10/02/2009 16:08

ABetaDad - I'm quite intrigued by your position. is ChippingIn's summary really accurate? ("He and his wife work from home...His children are not allowed their friends over, even at the weekend (he freely admits they have never had one school friend over). Other people are asking HIS children to THEIR house to play and he wont let them go. ") and are you not at least a bit persuaded by some of the arguments on here that this is quite an extreme position?

dh and I both work from home. At the moment I'm fortunate in that between us we probably do a total of 7-ish days - which leaves lots of time for us to juggle without using after school clubs except ocassionally. when it gets busy I clock off at 3 and then work in the evening. loads of people do this - it's not great but it means dds get to spend time at home/going to activities (as opposed to after school care)/playing with friends or just being with mum and/or dad.

piscesmoon · 10/02/2009 17:05

quoted from ABetaDad:
"I very much agree with you. I do have friends and have got to know them slowly and their children and yes they do come to our house and their kids do as well. If a good friend rang in a real crisis and asked if they could leave their kids then of course I would say yes. "

This is the bit that I don't understand-your friends are completely irrelevant. The DCs should be able to choose their own friends-and the parents may well be people that are not necessarily your friends.
I would imagine that people try to arrange playdates at half term because the DCs have free time. If you think you are being used you could call their bluff by saying it would be lovely after half term.

Original poster
ABetaDad · 10/02/2009 17:39

piscesmoon

"If you think you are being used you could call their bluff by saying it would be lovely after half term. "

Several years ago - I did do this twice with one parent who I knew reasonably well. I asked if she would be interested in a Saturday when we were not working and our kids not at holiday club.

On both ocassions I got blanked. It was the 'week day' cover that she wanted.

I was genuinely quite upset that she so plainly was not interested in anything more than some cover for the week she was working.

I think it was this particular mother that really opened my eyes to the hole 'play day' scam.

OP posts:
hatwoman · 10/02/2009 17:59

ABetaDad - a lot of families like to keep their weekends for family. for many the weekend is the only 2 days of the week they're all together so they consider them quite precious and not time for play dates - whcih can often be arranged during the week.

Podrick · 10/02/2009 18:34

ABetaDad you seem to have such a cynical, unrepresentative and tarnished view of other parents based on the fact that you seem not to have the social confidence to say "sorry that's not convenient" to the occaisional unreasonable request.

This attitude is likely to impact adversely on your children's social lives. It is fairly ridiculous that you have started a thread on AIBU and then refused to moderate your views in the wake of overwhelming opinions that you are being very unreasonable.

piscesmoon · 10/02/2009 19:04

I never like play dates at weekends-it is a family day.

Podrick · 10/02/2009 19:05

It is a shame to be so prescriptive since children of working parents can often only do weekend playdates!

piscesmoon · 10/02/2009 19:20

It's not written in stone, but weekends are precious-especially if you are working parents.

puffling · 10/02/2009 20:03

Merrylegs - he doesn't drive.

Original poster
ABetaDad · 10/02/2009 20:08

puffling - I know how to drive. I just chose to stop about 20 years ago.

I just decided it was a waste of time and a lot of stress for nothing. I never regretted it.

I really like Top Gear though.

OP posts:
Ripeberry · 10/02/2009 20:14

It's up to you. You could use their offers and let your DC go but if you don't want to there is no LAW that says you have to do it in return.
You'll soon find that people will stop asking and then your DC will not have many friends left
It won't hurt you to just do it for a day will it?
I've had loads of kids over, some come again others are never invited back because they are abusive or damage my property and are nasty to my DDs.
Some other parents do love having children over at THEIR house all the time.
You sound like you think they are trying to use you. Think about your DC for a change!

Nighbynight · 10/02/2009 21:10

Mousemate - there is another solution, I have an Au Pair. (I share with dd2 so that AP has her own room, mind!)

BetaDad - are you perchance a Yorkshireman?
I keep reading your posts in Yarksher, and your total obstinacy makes a whole lot more sense...

Original poster
ABetaDad · 10/02/2009 21:49

Nighbynight - oh yes Yorkshire to the core (with a thin veneer of Geordie from my wife).

Born in South Yorkshire. Geoff Boycott went to school in the next door village. Jeremy Clarkson was born a few miles away in Doncaster.

Is it really that obvious?

OP posts:
MollieO · 10/02/2009 21:57

Bit slow to catch on this thread so I've read the OP and not much else.

My comment - OMG your children have friends??? No how awful. You must put a stop to that right away. Oh, I see you have by banning all contact with them outside school. How utterly fab. Hope that the money you're not spending on entertaining 'other people's children' aka your dc's 'friends' you are saving to pay for their therapy when they reach adulthood and cannot cope in society. You must be so proud.

AnyFuckerForAShiteSoppyCard · 10/02/2009 21:59

totally obvious, you are a git

hehe

Nighbynight · 10/02/2009 22:26

Betadad - I have inside knowledge, because my mother is a yorkshirewoman. My family can be a bit like you.

Please loosen up a bit. People are not out to get you, really.

I grew up with the family fortress mentality, and it isn't good - it hinders self-confidence.

MouseMate · 11/02/2009 05:12

ChippingIn, thank you, you advice would be sensible in a few years, but as my DD is only 4 I cant let her go home on her own as yet, and sadly its not that I choose to work or work full time - I have NO CHOICE if I want to live. I am contracted, it would take a full year to break my contract - and would lose me a lot of money in 4 yrs time.

I'm trying to work for a better future for all of us, but if that means my DD has to go to ASC and Holiday Clubs for the next 4 yrs then so be it. What I dont need is people telling me that my dd must be hating it etc, she seems happy enough and has a wide circle of friends.

(Oh and yes, my time with DD is precious but I do allow her to have 'play dates' (I hate that expression!) but have been asked to have other children when I have specifically taken time off to look after mine - without it being reciprocated, so whilst I think abetadad is slightly looney I do get where he is coming from......)

LoveBeingAMummy · 11/02/2009 07:56

If everyone was more honest in these situations they'd get much further afterall there's always more than one mum who needs help they could all get together and organise a bit of a rota and cut the BS and cut the childcare.

ssd · 11/02/2009 08:19

abetadad, apologies fir my incorrect post earlier on

actually reading more of this thread I agree with a lot of what you're saying. there are a few mums who would take advantage at the drop of a hat, as long as it suited them.

Nighbynight · 11/02/2009 17:32

In my experience, mums who are after childcare do come out and say so!

ChippingIn · 12/02/2009 01:18

Mousemate - as I said previously - don't take it personally, these posts are aimed at ABetaDad (name makes me gag everytime I have to type it), not at people in your situation.

I'm glad your daughter is happy.

vess · 12/02/2009 06:26

I haven't read the whole thread, but it seems to me tha ABetaDad has some sort of social phobia or other issues, and instead of dealing with it, is claiming that everybody is trying to take advantage of him.

Sadly, it will be his kids that suffer the most.

SofiaAmes · 12/02/2009 07:44

AbetaDad, I'm not quite sure if I believe that you are really as inflexible as you are making yourself out to be. I (an american) am married to a Northerner (from even further north than you) and he too makes himself out to be much more inflexible and intolerant than he actually is in real life.

Ok with that intro. could I just give you a little bit of my own experiences. I work and my dh lives out of the country (long story for another time). Our kids are in elementary school (in usa) and in an afterschool club and holiday camps. When ds first started school, I used to get approached all the time about playdates. I agreed occasionally, but always made it clear that I could only reciprocate on the weekends. Eventually the requests dwindled and at the same time my kids ended up mostly being friendly with other kids in the afterschool club whose parents had similar lifestyles/hours to mine and most (though not all) of their socializing took place there. While all of this was happening there was one dad who kept asking if his dd could come over to my house for a playdate on holidays and weekends. He never bothered with the asking my ds over first and always left his dd for many many many hours at a time rather than the conventional 2 hours. I was a little irritated at first, but....I'm now getting to the point of this story....this girl turned out to be an absolutely fascinating child (and I really don't like children for the most part) and a truly stimulating and valuable companion for my ds who is a little too odd for most kids. 3 years later they are still best friends and although the dad has found other babysitting options besides me, I look back on his impertinence and am glad I decided not to be completely closeminded to another way of doing things. My ds is a clear winner in the interaction and I didn't suffer so much either.