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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell other parents I do not want to look after their kids

304 replies

ABetaDad · 07/02/2009 17:36

This is the first time I started a topic on Mumsnet and I afraid it is a bit of a rant.

I am sick to death of other parents coming up to me and my wife and 'suggesting' that our kids come over to their house for a 'play date' or a 'sleep over'.

As night follows day I can be sure we suddenly get a whole host of new friends as it comes up to half-term and full term holidays. People I have never spoken to at the school gate suddenly saying little Jemma or Alice or Richard or Charles of whatever would like your children to come and visit.

I am sorry but the answer is NO. I know what you are up to. You are trying to blag free day or evening of childcare in return for feeding my kids orange squash and sitting them in front of a video for a couple of hours. I am NOT interested.

I pay for my kids to go to school holiday camp every day because I work from home. I do not go out in the evenings and I do not look after other people's kids. If I wanted to be a childminder I would have chosen that career and if I need a child minder I will pay for one.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAShiteSoppyCard · 07/02/2009 18:07

yabu

and joyless

hatwoman · 07/02/2009 18:07

swapping bits of childcare/playdates is a very normal, friendly, community-oriented thing to do, in a world where arranging and paying for out of school care is difficult - and a world where adults helping each other out is increasingly being replaced by professional/paid for services. I really do think that adults helping each other is good for society, and sets a good example to our children.

I think perhaps some of the adults you speak about are thinking that if they offer their offers may be reciprocated - but I very much doubt they are rubbing their hands with glee at the thought of a disproportionate amount of childcare for the cost of some orange squash. much more likely they're thinking about you helping them and them helping you. on an equal - and friendly - basis.

I remember being positively delighted when I realised I'd made adult friends whom I could ask for help and to whom I could offer help.

Original poster
ABetaDad · 07/02/2009 18:07

Some very interesting responses I am getting here. Clearly touched a raw nerve.

Quite a few of you clearly see it as a reciprocal arrangment....just as I suspected and is teh part I hate about it.

One or two clearly see it as a manipulation and I especially liked the answer from RRealityisMyOnlyValentine @ 17:53:58.. now thats what I call honesty.

OP posts:
LowSlungAndOverhung · 07/02/2009 18:08

I think that the OP is describing exactly what I have experienced which is a world apart from casual fun and playdates. I think one of the other posters here was right...some parents really must get desparate before the holidays to arrange cover for their children. I know that it's hard.

The first time I was caught like this, we had two small children here who were obviously befuddled as to who my children actually were. I thought they were just here for a play and their mum didn't come back until 6.30pm after dropping them off just before 9am.

Play dates are one thing, friendships are lovely, childcare by stealth is another thing entirely. I think that might be what the OP meant.

jellybeans · 07/02/2009 18:09

I am one for occasional playdates as I have 5 kids and it can get too much every week for each one. I don't love them but think it's a neccesity for my kids and it is their home after all too. Some parents mither every week, and expect it in return, even those with only one child and right after I had a section. I would prefer once a month tbh. I also usually have to get in extra stuff as some 'ask' for certain things or are fussy, so it can be £5 a time.

hatwoman · 07/02/2009 18:10

and what the others said about socialising kids and you being overly cynical

Original poster
ABetaDad · 07/02/2009 18:12

LowSlungAndOverhung @ 18:08:35

You hit the nail on the head!

I once got caught that way. I invited a child over for a play date and asked the parents to come for a drink and a bite to eat as well. When they arrived the parents stood at the door, pushed the child in and announced they were going to look at new cars. They came back 3 hours later.

Their child got orange squash and a video.

OP posts:
Sidge · 07/02/2009 18:13

Why so cynical?

Maybe they just want to extend their children's social lives? Or maybe their children like your children's company?

Podrick · 07/02/2009 18:15

Some parents do take advantage and it is quite reasonable to just say no to them - but don't you ever let your children invite their friends home?

sorrento · 07/02/2009 18:16

No I know exactly what he means actually I have seen it first hand.
A woman at our school works part time, has the baby from hell and an nice enough child in my DD's class.
She would regularly ask if she could come and play (the child not the Mum) and I'd get this sort of pleading look from the mother.
Of course my child joined in the pleading and a good time seemed to be had by all, this went on for months.
One day I noticed that the woman and her child had another kid from DD's class in her car leaving school so clearly off on a playdate.
I commented on this, thought to myself I wonder my DD isn't being invited instead and my DD replied, well yes H and I don't really like each other that much but her Mum works on a Thursday night so H coming to tea at ours is a huge help I don't believe those are a 6 year olds words.

Sidge · 07/02/2009 18:19

Having a child from 0900-1830??

Haven't you got a tongue in your head? Didn't you make arrangements as they were dropped off? Didn't you have a contact number for them so you could call and tell them to come and get their children?

Maybe I am naive lucky but I have never been in that sort of situation. I would have thought such brass-necked people were thin on the ground.

DivamakesKimchi · 07/02/2009 18:19

i understand where you coming from.
dd made couple friends in the neighborhood over this summer, and i asked them for party and just for play etc...
none of them asked dd back in their house for play. i was quite upset, as kids and parents all enjoyed coming our place at least every 2 weeks. when dd mentioned to go and play at their place one of the mother said oh our place is cluttered no place for kids to play, which made me
that was it, i never asked any of them for play to our house. i think people just take advantage, im afraid. i will be delighted if they do it fair.

sorrento · 07/02/2009 18:21

another mum at our school was telling me she had a child for tea and the other parents didn't pick her up until 8pm on a school night. There's a lot of them about, it would seem.

ThePgHedgeWitchIsCrankyBeware · 07/02/2009 18:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

boogeek · 07/02/2009 18:31

That's not what he said though - he said he was miffed at parents inviting his children round to play because it is coming up to half term and he KNOWS they are hoping to be invited back.

AnyFuckerForAShiteSoppyCard · 07/02/2009 18:32

yes, read his OP

eekamoose · 07/02/2009 18:37

Wow, YABVU.

Children like to play with each other outside of school. Your poor kids if you can't bring yourself to participate in that.
Are you always so cynical?

Reality's post is all about how her being a thoughtful hostess to her dcs friends has resulted in one afternoon (or, actually, couple of hours) childfree. Which she appreciates.

If you have children over to your house to play your own dcs will need less attention from you. Enabling you to work with fewer interruptions. Have you not understood that?

LowSlungAndOverhung · 07/02/2009 18:37

Ha Sidge!

The mum let my messages go to voicemail. When she still didn't answer by 3pm (I anticipated a morning play - as arranged - and allowed time for lunch) I called her workplace who told me that she had the afternoon off. I then left a voicemail to say that I would have to drop them at her workplace as I had to go out myself at 4pm. Only then did she call me to say she had misunderstood our arrangement and was under a lot of pressure at work so she would collect them shortly from my house.

She turned up after 6pm, I told her that I didn't appreciate being lied to and that was that. I like children, I enjoy playdates generally but some people really, truly take the piss.

violethill · 07/02/2009 18:39

I agree with LowSlung.

Playdates and sleepovers should be fun - because the kids like eachother and want to do it. And there needs to be a reasonable balance - if it's too one-way then it leads to resentment.

Trying to organise free childcare under the guise of a 'playdate' is simply unfair - on the kids quite apart from the parents, as they won't necessarily get on well, it's just a convenient arrangement for one set of parents!

Childcare for school age kids does get trickier - we've all been there- but at the end of the day it's also cheaper than pre-school care. If you need before/after school and holiday care then organise it properly and pay for it!!!

LowSlungAndOverhung · 07/02/2009 18:41

Eekamoose, his children will be in the holiday childcare he has arranged anyway so it's all a bit redundant really.

clam · 07/02/2009 18:44

So, call their bluff. Say "How kind. Yes please, they'd love to come to yours this week. How about a return date the week after half term?"

PramInspector · 07/02/2009 18:50

ABetaDad - You must live in a very dodgy area if the majority of parents around there are the type of people who will drop off a young child at the house of someone they barely know without making any verbal arrangements about times and then proceed to leave them there all day......

I have NEVER heard of anyone doing such a thing

piscesmoon · 07/02/2009 18:51

Having read through, the general consensus is that YABU,I would say that YABVU. Having children around is nothing to do with free childcare, it is about making life fun and sociable for your DCs. Everyone needs a mutual, support network.

IotasCat · 07/02/2009 18:57

Hmmmm well I think the op has a valid point. I was a SAHM for 5 years and have been asked by at least 3 parents to have their child/children in the holidays.

I do do playdates at my children's request and they have active social lives.

LucyEllensmummy · 07/02/2009 19:17

YANBU I am a SAHM and i get other mums hinting for me to look after their children - well, no - i love my daughter, i don't particularly like other peoples thankyou very much. I got roped into taking someones boy into pre school for her, one morning i waited at the corner for her as usual, only to find that another mum was taking him in her car - she picks him up at her door . Guess i might make myself scarce next time she needs someone Just to take care of X while she does xyq

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