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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell other parents I do not want to look after their kids

304 replies

ABetaDad · 07/02/2009 17:36

This is the first time I started a topic on Mumsnet and I afraid it is a bit of a rant.

I am sick to death of other parents coming up to me and my wife and 'suggesting' that our kids come over to their house for a 'play date' or a 'sleep over'.

As night follows day I can be sure we suddenly get a whole host of new friends as it comes up to half-term and full term holidays. People I have never spoken to at the school gate suddenly saying little Jemma or Alice or Richard or Charles of whatever would like your children to come and visit.

I am sorry but the answer is NO. I know what you are up to. You are trying to blag free day or evening of childcare in return for feeding my kids orange squash and sitting them in front of a video for a couple of hours. I am NOT interested.

I pay for my kids to go to school holiday camp every day because I work from home. I do not go out in the evenings and I do not look after other people's kids. If I wanted to be a childminder I would have chosen that career and if I need a child minder I will pay for one.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Heated · 07/02/2009 20:57

I have some sympathy with the OP. A teaching colleague of mine has to fend off her relatives and her bf who all think she's a useful port of call for childcare during the school holidays.

But don't be overtly suspicious ABetaDad; surely your dcs indicate who they would like to play with?

scifinerd · 07/02/2009 21:03

I often arrange playdates for holidays as the school day is too long and tiring for many playdates and so the holidays is a chance for my dcs to relax with friends at mine or other houses. I actually have no idea what the OP is talking about. If you are that het up about it say no the other parents will get the message, its a shame for your kids though.

morocco · 07/02/2009 21:12

the weirdest thing about mn is the insight into other parents thought processes

there was me just about to invite some kids over to meet our new guinea pigs and thinking half term or just before might be a nice time to invite them over, but apparently this is going to make me a scheming harpy at least now I understand why some parents don't seem too keen on playdates. you know - not everyone in the world actually thinks the way you do? it isn't always about offering just so you get something in return

(actually slightly ,sob, depressed, by this thread. bit like another one where I found out most parents snoop in their child's friend's bookbags to see what reading level they are on. mn is someimes v depressing)

seeker · 07/02/2009 21:12

I am lucky enough to be a SAHM - and I think it is part of my job to do a bit of child care for my WOTH friends. I don't mind how many children I have round - the more the merrier in my opinion!

ChippingIn · 07/02/2009 21:12

Extremely.

Kids want kids around to play. If LO (3yrs) had her way, we'd have at least one friend around everynight. Sometimes it's hard work when the parents come and they aren't the sort of people you would naturally be friends with, the small talk is a bit tiring. I prefer it when they get to the stage they are happy to just drop them off and collect them later, then I can get on and get things done. It's swings and round-abouts, LO is having fun and playing independently so I get things done - but when they 'visitor' leaves there's a lot more tidying up to do (and sometimes tears when they don't want their friend to leave), but having friends over is such an important part of growing up - how can you deny your DC's this?

Some of the kids play here more than we go there, LO plays at some houses more than they come here - it really doesn't matter so long as they all enjoy life!

ABetadad?? I'm sorry to say it, but I'm glad you weren't my Dad, you sound very cynical, miserable and that damn chip on your shoulder must really tire you out!!

ChippingIn · 07/02/2009 21:13

Extremely.

Kids want kids around to play. If LO (3yrs) had her way, we'd have at least one friend around everynight. Sometimes it's hard work when the parents come and they aren't the sort of people you would naturally be friends with, the small talk is a bit tiring. I prefer it when they get to the stage they are happy to just drop them off and collect them later, then I can get on and get things done. It's swings and round-abouts, LO is having fun and playing independently so I get things done - but when they 'visitor' leaves there's a lot more tidying up to do (and sometimes tears when they don't want their friend to leave), but having friends over is such an important part of growing up - how can you deny your DC's this?

Some of the kids play here more than we go there, LO plays at some houses more than they come here - it really doesn't matter so long as they all enjoy life!

ABetadad?? I'm sorry to say it, but I'm glad you weren't my Dad, you sound very cynical, miserable and that damn chip on your shoulder must really tire you out!!

worley · 07/02/2009 21:13

agree with thecrackfox,how do you dc's feel about not having playdates, my mum never used to let me invite my friends round after school either, and always felt like i was missing out when friends would talk about being at other friends houses to play.

ds1 does have friends over to play now, maybe once or twice a month, not a lot as i work everyday too, but enough so he doesnt feel left out.

callmeovercautious · 07/02/2009 21:17

I have friends with DC of the same age and we are planning "playdates" when they get older and are at school so we can share the school holidays. Less time off work for us all and the DC will have fun. It is how my parents coped. I believe they call it "community spirit".

callmeovercautious · 07/02/2009 21:18

Abd sorry - yes if you are a SAHM FT then is must be a pain when you get hit on all the time by "friends". However it does not always have to be a bad thing to have other DC over for a few hours or the odd day.

ChippingIn · 07/02/2009 21:19

Morocco - you scheming harpy feel free to ask us over, we'd love to come and see your new guinea pigs and then another day (gosh, perhaphs in the holidays when we have all day and aren't rushing/knackered) you'd like to come and see our new guinea pigs!! [Provided we can find some before then - spent all day looking for some today!! How many, what sex, what cage, where did you get them (we're trying to rescue, but can't find too many near us in need of rescuing!!.... tell me all the interesting bits!!]

OMG re the book bags - some people really do need to get a life of their own!!

IotasCat · 07/02/2009 21:27

Seeker you are obviously a lot kinder than I am. I was a SAHM for 5 years and never felt that it was "part of my job " to look after other peoples children

morocco · 07/02/2009 21:44

chippingin

guineas are so cool, there's a great thread on here i got lots of tips from, we got 2 abyssinians, fleece is great btw, we got gven a whole load of these wire things you can lock together to build your own cage but so far they're in a shop bought cage and come out for regular cuddles. cute cute cute

dearprudence · 07/02/2009 21:46

Bloody hell, miserable much?

YABU. And paranoid. And even if one or two parents are hoping for a half-term invite, you don't have to issue one, do you.

There simply isn't a problem here - it sounds to me like you're trying to manufacture one.

Original poster
ABetaDad · 07/02/2009 22:00

dearprudence @ 21:46:43 Add a message | Report post | Contact poster

"There simply isn't a problem here - it sounds to me like you're trying to manufacture one. "

There is an issue - it was like walking through a cattle market on Friday morning at the school gate. Everyone had had a few unplanned days off because of the snow and were clearly getting a bit desperate to get some dates pencilled in for half term.

I am expecting a load more on Monday. They know me and my wife work at home and we are like easy prey.

OP posts:
psychomum5 · 07/02/2009 22:02

if you were me I would feel pride that my children were so popular, and that I was so sought after.

can you not just have a nicer attitude to people??

TheCrackFox · 07/02/2009 22:02

Maybe your DCs are just popular.

ChippingIn · 07/02/2009 22:04

Morocco - we are after Abyssinians too - plenty of short coats available wouldn't even mind one of each. I had GP's when I was a kid and am really looking forward to getting them. More so than the LO's I think

Fleece is great - in what way??

Sorry for the hi-jacking - well not really actually, OP so depressing...

onebatmother · 07/02/2009 22:06

Oh for goodness sake. You sound pathologically suspicious. Please try not to pass it on to your children, who are probably still quite normal and will enjoy having their friends around.

You could try asking them, couldn't you? What they wanted?

morocco · 07/02/2009 22:07

yeah, me too, kids often now heard whining 'mummy, she's my gp, let meeee hold her'

oooh - check out fleece plus towels underneath for lining the cage - it's absolutely brilliant. loads on google/mn about it.

ShellingPeas · 07/02/2009 22:09

"I am expecting a load more on Monday"

Say no! Then they'll leave you alone. If you say no often enough people won't ask you any more. (Of course they will think you're a mean spirited evil bastard, but hey!)

TBH I get a load more work done at home if my kids have someone to play with. I can leave them to it, and sort out the chaos after the visitors have gone.

MrsPurple · 07/02/2009 22:18

abetadad, having skimmed through this thread, although have read first few posts thoroughly, imo it sounds like you feel the only reason your DC have been invited is so that you can recipricate the playdate at your house.

You mention working from home and feel you are easy pray.

You need to wake up to the real world! I also work from home and am glad when my DC (of which I have 2) are invited over to someone else's for a play day. Why? A number of reasons:

  1. It shows I am doing something right as a parent that other people feel comfortable enough to have my DC over to their house.
  2. That my DC have made friends and are not completely lonely.
  3. I never feel I have to invite the other child to my house, obviuosly I have other children over but my DC ask and say who they want to invite.

It is lovely seeing my DC play with their friends and also does provide adult friendships you may not have previuosly had.

You sound very cynical, and negative about why the invite has been given.

Have you asked your DC about it? they may not want to go, but you also may be ignoring their social needs by thinking like you do. Growing up is hard enough for children without having a parent who ostricises their own child.

Get a grip!

ravenAK · 07/02/2009 22:21

I don't see what you're getting so bothered about.

Even if they are all scheming to dump their kids on you for half-term, it's not going to happen because YOUR dc are in camp.

So you can accept the playdate invitations (nice for your kids) whilst smugly thinking 'ahahah, little do you know we shall NEVER reciprocate.'

Obviously the invites for your kids will eventually dry up, unless of course other parents are a little less mean spirited.

Merrylegs · 07/02/2009 22:25

ABetaDad @ 17:36:26
This is the first time I started a topic on Mumsnet and I afraid it is a bit of a rant.

ABetaDad @ 17:47:43
I am not a troll.. this is real rant ... borne out of the multiple contacts I had on Friday. It was only when I realised it was half-term next week that it clicked.

ABetaDad @ 18:07:55
Some very interesting responses I am getting here. Clearly touched a raw nerve.

ABetaDad @ 20:22:09
By psychomum5 @ 20:12:19
"OMG are you paraniod or what!!!!"

By ABetaDad @ 22:00:26
I am expecting a load more on Monday. They know me and my wife work at home and we are like easy prey.

I see where you're coming from ABetaDad. You're just quoting the times of posters and replying to them just so we'll quote your times and reply to you back.

Here's a thought. Perhaps these parents are inviting your lovely, sociable, popular and friendly children to play just before half term because they know they won't be able to have them over in half term because they will be on holiday/working/putting their own children in holiday clubs/thinking that you might be away?

Perhaps you should chill out and bit and go with the flow, rather than suspiciously second guessing their motives.

Why not just take people at face value?

And then if they do happen to ask you to look after their kids in the holidays, why not just nicely say no?

Tis not so hard.

(The word Control. Closely followed by Freak, spring to mind)

Original poster
ABetaDad · 07/02/2009 22:27

Just in case anyone didn't read my original post.

I send my kids to holiday camp every day of the holiday so they get to socialise with 50 - 100 other kids there in a great environment with lots of activities.

They also go to after school clubs where again they socialise. I do not cut my kids off from other kids - I pay for the childcare I need because I work at home.

I just wish other parents would stop trying to blag free childcare off me in holidays and after school because I happen to work from home.

I do tell them no - I just wish they would not be so damn pushy and overbearing about forcing their kids on me. Its like being harrassed by salesmen every time I turn up at school. Next week is going to be hell I know it.

OP posts:
Leo9 · 07/02/2009 22:29

I think you need to get a little assertiveness training them ABetaDad if a few mums at the school gate causes you this much angst

How do you live in this world?