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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell other parents I do not want to look after their kids

304 replies

ABetaDad · 07/02/2009 17:36

This is the first time I started a topic on Mumsnet and I afraid it is a bit of a rant.

I am sick to death of other parents coming up to me and my wife and 'suggesting' that our kids come over to their house for a 'play date' or a 'sleep over'.

As night follows day I can be sure we suddenly get a whole host of new friends as it comes up to half-term and full term holidays. People I have never spoken to at the school gate suddenly saying little Jemma or Alice or Richard or Charles of whatever would like your children to come and visit.

I am sorry but the answer is NO. I know what you are up to. You are trying to blag free day or evening of childcare in return for feeding my kids orange squash and sitting them in front of a video for a couple of hours. I am NOT interested.

I pay for my kids to go to school holiday camp every day because I work from home. I do not go out in the evenings and I do not look after other people's kids. If I wanted to be a childminder I would have chosen that career and if I need a child minder I will pay for one.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
LucyEllensmummy · 07/02/2009 19:19

I didnt think this was your first post though OP?

Original poster
ABetaDad · 07/02/2009 19:25

LucyEllensmummy @ 19:19:45

"I didnt think this was your first post though OP? "

It isn't.. its just the first time I started a topic of my own. Not bad getting called a troll and YABVU on my first time out.

OP posts:
HecateQueenOfGhosts · 07/02/2009 19:28

welcome to the wonderful world of AIBU. you are lucky to have escaped with the skin still on your back

ShellingPeas · 07/02/2009 19:30

YABU regarding not letting your DC go on playdates because you might be expected to reciprocate. YANBU to be expected to have their child/ren in return as an unpaid childminder.

My DCs go on playdates every now and then and I have their friends back on occasions because my DCs want them to come to play. I work and every now and again I need someone to take my DCs for short periods - I'm always up front about this and only approach parents who I know personally, and whose children are friends with mine. If they can't or don't want to do it, they say no.

You can say no too, however bluntly you want to put it.

macdoodle · 07/02/2009 19:31

I think reality was being sarcastic/TIC TBH

ShellingPeas · 07/02/2009 19:32

Chain emails are the spawn of Satan. Anyone who sends them on should be sent straight to Hell.

ShellingPeas · 07/02/2009 19:33

Oops - weird that one, was reading chain emails and it post on here! Ignore!

scampadoodle · 07/02/2009 19:34

I want my children to feel they can have their friends around & until they're old enough to arrange it themselves then I have to do it for them. It's a double-edged sword - your kids are entertained but the house is destroyed!

I find that it's not necessarily a reciprocal arrangement with the same parents IYSWIM. I feel really guilty about one woman because we always seem to be at her house but then again I've had another child here lots without being invited to theirs much - it's swings & roundabouts.

I'm a SAHM so I certainly don't use it as childcare though it is quite fab when they're both asked somewhere on the same day! I also don't mind helping out working parents once in a while, as I did this week when the school was closed.

nkf · 07/02/2009 19:36

But maybe they are just trying to fix up a playdate for their kids. And aren't imagining a swap system.

2pt4kids · 07/02/2009 19:37

YABU
Why cant you accept offers of a playdate in good faith and then if you do get asked for a return playdate in the holidays just say 'No, I'm sorry I'm working flat out and my kids will be in holiday club then.. How about arranging something for after the holidays?'
How hard is it to tell the truth and say its not convenient?!?
If you turn down all invitations just in case they ask for something in return (which you could easily say no to) then its your kids that will suffer from missing out on the social life!

onebatmother · 07/02/2009 19:38

Gawd. If you're cross with the parent, you take it out on the child? With the weird 'video and orange squash' thing?

It probably is related to half-term. But have you considered the poss that they are not looking for free child care, but a social life for their children in the holidays, with children that know each other?

They might be SAHP's, mightn't they? Bit silly to pay for industrial childcare if they don't need to, no?

You sound a little over-suspicious. And really chippy.

And you know, even if they are trying to sort out their difficult childcare sitches, it's not the bleedin' end of the world, is it? Your kids will enjoy it, and I'm sure the parents will be v grateful.

Sidge · 07/02/2009 20:02

LowSlung wow I apologise, I have NEVER come across anyone like that! I mean that is seriously seriously out of order, taking the piss.

I bet you were spitting feathers when she arrived. How on earth do some people sleep at night knowing they are such users?

Leo9 · 07/02/2009 20:07

over-suspicious and really chippy - my thoughts exactly onebat! I really can't imagine getting so het up over this. It is quite likely the parents are simply trying to set in some plans for the holiday so their kids have some time to play with other kids. If you don't want/can't do it, say no. Where's the problem and why get so annoyed over this?...

beanieb · 07/02/2009 20:09

A mate of mine told me one of the scariest and most painful thing about becoming a parent was having to be friendly to other parents that you think are twats just because his kids like those parent's children. I liked his honesty.

psychomum5 · 07/02/2009 20:12

OMG are you paraniod or what!!!!

why are you assuming this???

did you know that assume makes an ASS out of U and ME!!!!

can you not simply believe that your children might well be very good company, and these parents are hoping that they will all play lovely together and so keep their children occupied and away from the TV and squash.

thedolly · 07/02/2009 20:22

YABU if your DC have just started a new school in September and it has taken them a while to settle in and for other children to realise that they are actually quite nice (hence the first invite is Feb half term )

Original poster
ABetaDad · 07/02/2009 20:22

By psychomum5 @ 20:12:19 Add a message |

"OMG are you paraniod or what!!!!"

Well... now you mention it.

A parent once did admit to me that she had been waiting for me for over a week outside the school gates so she could ask for a playdate. I know this because she eventually found our address via an unknown means and sent us a formal letter which seemed a bit oppressive to me.

OP posts:
starlightexpress · 07/02/2009 20:22

My DS is still under a year, but he has "friends" (babies from my NCT class) that he sees regularly and he (and I!) really enjoys the social contact. Or at least, they enjoy grubbing around on the floor together and bonking each other over the head with bits of brightly coloured plastic.

The thing is, my flat is tiny. I mean, we haven't even got room for a table to eat off. DS rampages around our living room in about 10 seconds flat

I feel really guilty that I can never invite any of my friends with babies over when we spend such a lot of time at theirs, but it honestly is impossible. Two mummies, two babies, plus all the infact gumph they need is just not do-able.

I try to always bring a cake or some biscuits and some little thing for the babies when I visit other people's houses to show how grateful I am that we always go to them. To be honest, it's so much easier and more comfotable at most of my other friends' where there is more space that I think (hope!) they don't mind that visits are always on their turf.

Not really related to the issue that OP is highlighting, but I just wanted to point out that sometimes when playdates aren't recipricated it's not necessarily because the parent is taking advantage. Sometimes it's just not logistically possible.

Carbonel · 07/02/2009 20:23

I think YAB a bit U.

Looking at it from the other side, our school was closed last week and as I was working from home one day I offered to have 3 other kids. Both sets of parents were working altho one only for the morning then came round to help and for a chat in the afternoon.

I certianly did not do it because i thought it might be reciprocated . I did it to help a working mother and so my children would have friends to play with for the day otherwise they would have been stir crazy by the end of the week!

psychomum5 · 07/02/2009 20:27

By ABetaDad Sat 07-Feb-09 20:22:09

""By psychomum5 @ 20:12:19 Add a message |

"OMG are you paraniod or what!!!!"

Well... now you mention it.

A parent once did admit to me that she had been waiting for me for over a week outside the school gates so she could ask for a playdate. I know this because she eventually found our address via an unknown means and sent us a formal letter which seemed a bit oppressive to me.""

are you very good looking then. Is it not that your children are lovely, but that you are the one the mums are after

TheCrackFox · 07/02/2009 20:37

YABVU

My mum never allowed me to have friends round or go round to play at friends houses.

I now think my mum was a lazy, selfish, miserable twat.

Go ahead and not let you DCs have playdates but do not expect a round of applause for it when they are older. They will feel that they missed out.

It is not seen as free childcare by 99% of parents but shock, horror just a nice thing to do for your DCs.

OrmIrian · 07/02/2009 20:39

Bugger me! How cynical... that is sad. Why can't you be pleased that your children have made friends?

I think this is one of the most miserable OPs I have ever read. You must really dislike people.

BTW I do not expect reciprocation for playdates. But it usually happens.

queenofbeas · 07/02/2009 20:44

I would stop inviting children around if they did'nt give invites back. I would'nt do it immediatley but if it continued I would call it a day, I did have this and felt put upon.

queenofbeas · 07/02/2009 20:48

If someone left their DC at my house from 9 until 6.30 it would'nt happen again unless I billed them for it.

Leo9 · 07/02/2009 20:56

abetadad, perhaps the woman waiting for you had a child who......oh my GOD....it's so awful I can't say it........wanted to play with your child......

shudder.....