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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell other parents I do not want to look after their kids

304 replies

ABetaDad · 07/02/2009 17:36

This is the first time I started a topic on Mumsnet and I afraid it is a bit of a rant.

I am sick to death of other parents coming up to me and my wife and 'suggesting' that our kids come over to their house for a 'play date' or a 'sleep over'.

As night follows day I can be sure we suddenly get a whole host of new friends as it comes up to half-term and full term holidays. People I have never spoken to at the school gate suddenly saying little Jemma or Alice or Richard or Charles of whatever would like your children to come and visit.

I am sorry but the answer is NO. I know what you are up to. You are trying to blag free day or evening of childcare in return for feeding my kids orange squash and sitting them in front of a video for a couple of hours. I am NOT interested.

I pay for my kids to go to school holiday camp every day because I work from home. I do not go out in the evenings and I do not look after other people's kids. If I wanted to be a childminder I would have chosen that career and if I need a child minder I will pay for one.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Clary · 08/02/2009 00:17

Why would other people having yr kids to play mean that you end up looking after their kids?

You seem rather suspicious tbh. If I ask the dad of a new pal of DS2's if his son wants to play, that's all I am after really.

Some invite back, some don't - often because they can't (WOTH). It's not an issue to me.

Agree with NQC - I also only occasionally ask pals to look after my DC - and yes, if they can't/don't want to it's no problemo. I don't cross them off my friendship list or anything.

I might be tempted with you tho.

ChippingIn · 08/02/2009 00:28

*I send my kids to holiday camp every day of the holiday so they get to socialise with 50 - 100 other kids there in a great environment with lots of activities.

They also go to after school clubs where again they socialise. I do not cut my kids off from other kids - I pay for the childcare I need because I work at home.*

As you said yourself, you send them because you need to work - not for their benefit. Sending them to holiday camps and after school clubs is convenient for you, not necessarily what they want and it's not playing with their friends who they choose to be friends with, but people who are there as well... not the same thing. It is not sharing their home environments, their families, their toys.... is it childcare.

I just wish other parents would stop trying to blag free childcare off me in holidays and after school because I happen to work from home.

How many times have you actually been asked to look after a child for someone in the holidays??

Can you give us some examples of people 'forcing their kids on you'... all you said in your post was that parents were inviting your children to their home.

I really, really do hope you go trip trap when you walk, otherwise I pity your poor children. Get over yourself and think of them.

Frasersmum123 · 08/02/2009 07:19

YABVU - I wouldnt invite DS's friends over so that my offer will be returned.

OP seems very cynical and a little patronising.

fizzpops · 08/02/2009 07:25

Why do you have to have their kids over at half term. Why not wait till afterwards and then you can be sure it is a genuine social thing.

If they ask you to have their child at half term then just tell them you are all busy doing family things.

You could always take advantage of all the offers and refuse to reciprocate. Once they had all got the message it would ensure your DCs never get invited anywhere again - problem solved!

seeker · 08/02/2009 07:39

And my friend has just emailed me to ask if her two can come to play with mine on a couple of days in half term because she's working. I really don;'t see the problem here. It's a win:win - my children have friends to play, her children don't have to go to to "organized" activities every day of their holidays (children need down time too, you know) my friend can go to work knowing her children are happy, and don't have to think of things to do with my 2 for a couple of half term days. AND (unworthy thought!) I know that I've got a bit of childcare "banked" with said friend if I need it!

choosyfloosy · 08/02/2009 07:48

It's not a nice OP to read, but there you go, I am probably one of the parents you mean. My ds loves above all to spend time with other children, so I am a playdate pusher and probably come across a bit forceful sometimes.

Here's a thought though. If you know that going to the schoolgates is going to be awful next week, why not ask another parent to pick up your dcs and take them in? You could have their kids over some time as a reciprocal arrangement. oh shoot there i go again.

NB do you really never go out in the evenings?

ssd · 08/02/2009 08:06

I don't think the op is being unreasonable, he's clearly fed up with being put on

as long as his child has friends and play dates when it suits both parents thats fine, but to ask him to have other kids over in the holidays when it doesn't suit him is selfish

ssd · 08/02/2009 08:08

seeker, that sounds great, friends helping each other out and happy kids

I get the impression from the op we aren't talking about friends here, just "new" friends realising they need childcare and asking on the off chance the op will have their kids back in the holidays

piscesmoon · 08/02/2009 08:16

I can see the point if OP gets 'new friends'just before holidays, but I get the distinct impression that he doesn't even have the 'real friends'. I would be fed up with the former but it is much better for your DCs to have an open door policy for the latter. I think you can sort out the two sorts very quickly.

Original poster
ABetaDad · 08/02/2009 08:44

I am astonished this thread has kept going.

I am equally astonished at how many people violently diagree with me and then go on to admit that playdates and sleepovers are offered in expectation of reciprocation.

At least seeker @ 07:39:04 is honest when she says: "I know that I've got a bit of childcare "banked" with said friend if I need it!".

For those who doubt me, I can honestly say I have not had a single play date or sleepover offer from anyone this term until last week when I suddenly got 2 requests from people I had never spoken to them before. It has been the same story for the last 4 years - sudden new friendships just before half term and full term holidays.

It just happens so routinely that it cannot be an accident and I am sick of it.

OP posts:
seeker · 08/02/2009 08:46

Abetadad - did you notice that this was the very last of the many reasons I have children round to mine?

compo · 08/02/2009 08:47

'and don't have to think of things to do with my 2 for a couple of half term days.'

no instead you have to think of things to do with 4 kids, and what they are going to eat etc, unless they're of an age when they entertain themselves allday?!

seeker · 08/02/2009 08:52

But they play together, watch TV together, mess around together....I'm talking school age children here, not littlies.

And I just make twice as much of whatever I was going to make anyway, so food isn't a problem (another couple of handfuls of pasta, another garlic baguette.....)

junkcollector · 08/02/2009 08:52

Maybe you should take half term week off OP, you sound a bit stressed.

Qally · 08/02/2009 08:53

Abetadad, and I'm just astonished that you have not, at any point, taken on board people's points about your kids' right to a social life.

Of course you don't have to have anyone over when inconvenient - but why not ask your kids to invite their friends over when it is?

compo · 08/02/2009 08:53

so for those 2 days you don't go out? what hours does your friend work?
I do see your point though

seeker · 08/02/2009 08:54

Yes, if I was planning to go out, I go out. Wy wouldn't I?

compo · 08/02/2009 08:54

I guess what I mean is at alf term I'm going to take dd (2) and ds (5) to the cinema on public transport, so if a mum worked and wanted me to have her 5 yr old that'd be 3 kids on the bus, an extra cinema ticket etc, although I guess the mum might give me the money
ah, I dunno, am rambling

SobranieCocktail · 08/02/2009 09:13

Is it just feeling obliged to offer a playdate during half-term/holidays that bothers you? If so can you not offer to reciprocate with a playdate at another time?

Don't really understand why you feel under such pressure to offer a return playdate so immediately. If they ask outright for a particular day, I'd just say "no".

However, I do agree that playdates should be like for like. I'd be annoyed if I was expected to look after someone's DC for a whole day, just because they had my DC over for a couple of hours.

Podrick · 08/02/2009 09:27

I feel depressed by what comes over as a reluctance to allow any playdates for your children on the grounds that a small number of parents will take advantage of you.

This is the same situation for all of us and most people continue to host playdates and just say a firm no to the irritating minority of parents who take advantage. You seem happy to throw the baby out with the bath water on this one which seems unfortunate for your kids. I don't expect that a childhood without playdates is what they would choose!

cory · 08/02/2009 10:12

I always get depressed by parents who say they won't allow playdates because they don't like having other children around. Now I may not be the greatest party pooper in the world, but I do try to remind myself that I am not the only person in this family. Just because I don't have much of a social life, doesn't mean my kids are going to have to be the same.

pocketmonster · 08/02/2009 10:23

But even if it is seen as a recipricol arrangment - so what? Your kids get to enjoy socialising with their friends in a much more relaxed environment than an after school club - their friends homes or their own home.

I am a working mum and my DDs have always been at nursery and when DD1 started school she went to an after school club, I have since changed this to a childminder as she found being at ASC after a day at school too tiring - because being in formal childcare isn't the same as being in a home.

When she starts to be invited to friends houses I shall be very happy for her and more than happy to invite her friends to our house, and if those invitations coincide with the other parent needing childcare - does that really matter? I don't think so, in fact I think its this kind of interaction and support that makes us a community rather than individuals just co existing - which I see as a positive thing.

I also think socialising with other children in their homes or in your own homes, teaches children different skills than being at nursery/after school club/holiday club - again a positive thing.

IMO YABVU - and I don't have a raw nerve to touch (on this subject anyway!)

RealityIsMyOnlyValentine · 08/02/2009 10:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Merrylegs · 08/02/2009 10:39

I too was hoping it might be trollery.

Actually, some trolls I find kind of amusing.

BUT there are enough families in real life having to live with boorish and suspcicious men to make this one not v. funny.

Humble yourself, OP.

Merrylegs · 08/02/2009 10:44

suspicious.

obviously.

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