to think that a lot of parents mistake a confident outgoing toddler for a bully?

[2pt4kids]

I've seen this a few times before, but today just takes the biscuit and I'm having a bit of a rant!

Ds1 is 3.4 yrs old. He could never be described as shy! He is very outgoing and will talk to anyone.
He is at the age where he just LOVES playing with other children. Of course I play with him, but when we are out at play places he just really wants to play with the other children.

Today at a soft play place (a very small local one, all on one level) he was off playing. I was in the netted off baby section with DS2.
I could see DS1 at all times and hear him most of the time.
First of all he was on the slide with another little boy a bit younger than him. DS1 obviously thought they were playing 'together'. The other boy wanders off and DS1 follows him and starts chatting to him. The other boy seems a bit shy, looks a bit unsure and goes off to another section with his Mum. DS1 follows again and chats to the boy asking him if he wants to come on the slide with him. The boy turns to go back to his Mum instead in a shy way and in doing so slips over then cries.
I could hear DS1 saying in such a sweet voice 'You ok? Did you hurt your leg?' and trying to see why the boy was crying. The boys Mum just glared a DS1 and turned her back to him picking up her son.
She then walked away and Ds1 started to follow her so she snapped at him 'For Gods Sake just leave him alone!'
She threw me a glare too as if to say 'why arent you keeping your child in check?'

I didnt say anything as she was very pregnant and I didnt want to start an argument tbh. Ds1 wasnt upset, it all went over his head so I just left it, but it breaks my heart to see poor DS1 so glared at for just wanting a friend

After that I saw DS go up to two other children with parents with them and ask them if they wanted to play with him. Both parents just looked at him like he was being really intrusive and herded their DCs away.
I did go up to one of them and say 'is something wrong, I saw my DS approach you, did he misbehave?' and they said 'No, its fine, my son is just a bit scared of older children and a bit shy'

Why on earth cant an adult just say to a 3 year old 'I'm sorry, my DS doesnt want to play today, he's a bit shy' instead of glaring at him!!!

Is this normal? Is my DS not normal? Why do people seem to hate that he approaches other children?

AIBU to let him do this?
Should I tell him off for trying to make friends?

It makes me soooo mad

YANBU - my ds1 does this and gets a mixed response from the kids themselves but nothing as negative from the parents.

Don't get mad, just ignore. Your ds is friendly and outgoing and will do fine.

I'm not trying to upset you here, but would your ds take no for an answer?

In your first example, the child may not have said no, but was clearly not wanting to play, but your ds persisted, even though nicely.

I can see the other side of this one, as my dd1 never wants to play with other children. She is 4.5, and autistic, and, quite frankly, scared of other children.

i have lost count of the times I have said (nicely) to children "oh, she doesn't want to play just now, she'd rather stay with me" (I have to,as she won't talk to them, soemthing else which I explain), but she is still followed about, asked repeatedly, etc.

And it really bothers her, but the children don't notice that (even when it is pointed out to them...)

But YANBU for expecting parents to talk to your ds instead of glaring.

How rude of the mother to say that to your DS . He may be too friendly for her little boy, but she could have been polite. I think the other mum might just be a bit hormonal.

oh yes, but I would expect, once I have said to a child that my dd doesn't want to play with them, that their parents might help out a bit too.

It is too much to expect the children to notice (although dd1 isn't subtle about it, tends to jump visibly, screech in fear and cling to me, or else withdraw totally into herself and curl up smaller and smaller) but once they have been told (nicely) that dd1 is shy/can't talk/wants to be on her own then I do expect them to accept that rather than badger her.

Just to play devil's advocate:

How many parents mistake their bully for just a confident outgoing child?

(doesn't apply to this situation, just what I thought when reading the thread title)

But YANBU, grownups should be setting good examples in their behaviour, rather than encouraging their children to be scared of other children.

YANBU - my DS1 is just the same. What a cow!

She was wrong to speak to him like that. Not all children are as sociable as yours.
My two were always happy to impose play with others but have often been rebuffed in the process.
Maybe you could take on eof his own friends for him to play with next time, or arrange to meet a friend there with their DCs?

I can understand what silverfrog is saying as this has happened when my DS,3 was younger, he was shy with older and bigger children and some children can be pushy.

I also want to spend time with MY child not answering 10 questions from someone else's child. I have also noticed that Mums with other children, usually younger do have a tendecy to as you say... let the older ones 'go off playing'. I know this is not the case but it can look like they have been abandoned, and to be frank at somewhere like soft play I only want to be responsible for my own child

That's awful. I hope your ds wasn't upset.

I know what you are saying oldraver and silverfrog. I just dont know what I can do about it...
I try and encourage DS to play with me and the baby for a bit, but mostly he likes to go on the 'big boy' things like the bouncy castle or the slides, which I'm happy for him to do.
It's so hard though when there is, say, 2 children and a Dad on the bouncy castle. They are playing a game and tagging each other and bouncing away. Ds gets on the bouncy castle and thinks 'that looks fun' and joins in!
Should I tell him he cant play and take him off the bouncy castle? or is it ok to let him join in?
He does talk to other people too. I'm always keeping an eye on him, but usually from a little distance so the other parent wouldnt necessarily know I am watching him.
In my eyes he's chatting and playing. In the other parents eyes I've abandoned him and they feel like they are takin responsibility for him.
Its sad because I took them out for a treat this afternoon and have come away just feeling a bit unwelcome

I absoloutely think she was rude
But I also think you may have been paying the price for other children who start out persistent and become...well ...leech like and/or aggressive

My DD is confident and outgoing butthere was a girl at her nursery who had no social or physical boundaries in her behaviour and would monopolise DD seperating her from other kids, keeping her playing what she wanted to and generally getting in her face.
Whilst this child was not being unkind - on the contrary she had a thing about DD and just wanted her all to herself - it was very hard for DD and i had to seperate them nyself. Often.
Her mum always said "but she's just being friendly"

Maybe this mum has had a previous experience like that. Or maybe she was just a cow.

I'm just saying friendly and confident are, like many things, a moveable feast

The lady who said it wasnt looking directly at DS at the time and I think snapped it mostly to herself in frustration rather than in a telling him off way iyswim
I'm pretty sure Ds didnt register it. As far as he was aware he wasnt doing anything wrong and so wasnt expecting a telling off.
3 yr olds are not too great at picking up social cues or at being empathetic, like wb said.

Of course it's okay to let him join in. The other parent was being unreasonable and PFB ish.

2pt, the mother did not handle the situation well at all.

It is a shame that your ds was rebuffed. How do you feel about teaching your ds to back off if another child was not interested in playing. Children take turns to be the friendly one or the one who blanks. Children can be taught to recognise social cues over time.

I think you're right. I do need to teach him to read cues better.
I'd hate for him to become the 'persistent aggressive' one rather than just the 'confident outgoing' one.
I think next time I'll follow him more closely and tell him when he needs to back off from the other children.

2pt

YANBU, It is very difficult when you have a 'very' social child.

DD1 was/is like this so what I used to do was just say gently 'that child doesn't want to play at the moment. Lets go and do XYZ'. Which was enough to distract her into leaving the other child alone.

On the other dd2 is quite shy so i would/will be saying 'it's ok, let's go and do xzy with other child' and try to encourage her to play and make freinds.

Nothing you described in your op sounded like the behaviour of a bully. you son sounds friendly.

however, he's perhaps too young to notice when other children perhaps want him to back off. Like others have said - that's where you come in. Perhaps to step in and steer him away if you can see the other child does not wish to engage. Good opportunity to help him learn to pick up such skills.

and reading properly you've already reached that conclusion.

sorry.

well myself, id be flattered and deffo not rude to a child who wanted to play with my kids, id encourage it, and for what its worth, your child will go far in life, a confident child is a happy child. You have brought him up well.

well myself, id be flattered and deffo not rude to a child who wanted to play with my kids, id encourage it, and for what its worth, your child will go far in life, a confident child is a happy child. You have brought him up well.

I wouldn't worry, he sounds lovely and caring. I would just write them off as having PFBs. Have you got a friend with DCs a similar age that you could go out with?

YANBU - My DSD is very friendly and only wants to play with other children - which really pleases me and DH as we want her to be sociable. I totally understand that some children have special circumstances but that's not so in the majority of cases. I think the world is just beoming more unfriendly and parents more paranoid stressed. You only have to look at parks and play places where parents literallt stalk their DC's while they play - let them PLAY it's why they are there.

We were at a play place and DSD asked another (slightly) younger girl to play. When she was ignored, she gave her name and said will you be my friend. The girl then slapped her round the face. No parent appeared but the girls much older sister came over and said "she doesn't wanna play wiv you" as they walked off. DSD was distraught as she thinks the world is full of potential friends. I was so and , but luckily DSD just came for a cuddle and carried on.

YANBU

It is hard when you have a friendly sociable child. It's a hard line between letting them make friends and stopping them before they annoy someone - especially when you also have a little one at a different stage of development (soft play places are a nightmare for this).

I try to jump in as soon as I see LO (age 3) being a bit annoying persistent, but sometimes you miss it... and their accompanying adult could be an adult and just say 'thank you for asking x to play, but he doesn't want to right now, sorry'.

LO (21 months) is at the stage where the slightly older kids (3&4) want to cuddle her and hold her hand dragging her around the place and most of the time she doesn't want this (very independent) so she 'Nooooooooo' and squirms away - so I have to quickly jump in there too to let the other little one know that it was nice of them to hug her, want her to play and I usually say she's a little bit tired and grumpy now and just wants to have a little quiet time - sorry.

Soft play places have me worn out - it will be nice when they get a little bit bigger.

Not wanting to sound nasty here but I would really dislike it if a persistant young child was following my kids around like that, especially if it was distressing them as it seems in this case, it was.

And my child falling over and getting hurt in the process would be the final straw really, although that wasn't your DS's fault.

Some people just like to be left alone when they take their kids out for the day.

I remember once sitting in Mcdonalds. A young boy of about 3 came across and started talking to my DS. This instantly got my back up because I like to eat in peace and my DS wouldn't eat properly if another kid was there. I remember thinking his parents were being very selfish, just sitting back and allowing their child to bother other people.

I suppose you could say he was just being friendly but sometimes people just want to be left alone I'm afraid.