to think that a lot of parents mistake a confident outgoing toddler for a bully?

[2pt4kids]

I've seen this a few times before, but today just takes the biscuit and I'm having a bit of a rant!

Ds1 is 3.4 yrs old. He could never be described as shy! He is very outgoing and will talk to anyone.
He is at the age where he just LOVES playing with other children. Of course I play with him, but when we are out at play places he just really wants to play with the other children.

Today at a soft play place (a very small local one, all on one level) he was off playing. I was in the netted off baby section with DS2.
I could see DS1 at all times and hear him most of the time.
First of all he was on the slide with another little boy a bit younger than him. DS1 obviously thought they were playing 'together'. The other boy wanders off and DS1 follows him and starts chatting to him. The other boy seems a bit shy, looks a bit unsure and goes off to another section with his Mum. DS1 follows again and chats to the boy asking him if he wants to come on the slide with him. The boy turns to go back to his Mum instead in a shy way and in doing so slips over then cries.
I could hear DS1 saying in such a sweet voice 'You ok? Did you hurt your leg?' and trying to see why the boy was crying. The boys Mum just glared a DS1 and turned her back to him picking up her son.
She then walked away and Ds1 started to follow her so she snapped at him 'For Gods Sake just leave him alone!'
She threw me a glare too as if to say 'why arent you keeping your child in check?'

I didnt say anything as she was very pregnant and I didnt want to start an argument tbh. Ds1 wasnt upset, it all went over his head so I just left it, but it breaks my heart to see poor DS1 so glared at for just wanting a friend

After that I saw DS go up to two other children with parents with them and ask them if they wanted to play with him. Both parents just looked at him like he was being really intrusive and herded their DCs away.
I did go up to one of them and say 'is something wrong, I saw my DS approach you, did he misbehave?' and they said 'No, its fine, my son is just a bit scared of older children and a bit shy'

Why on earth cant an adult just say to a 3 year old 'I'm sorry, my DS doesnt want to play today, he's a bit shy' instead of glaring at him!!!

Is this normal? Is my DS not normal? Why do people seem to hate that he approaches other children?

AIBU to let him do this?
Should I tell him off for trying to make friends?

It makes me soooo mad

No, still gobsmacked that anybody would insist that should their precious darling chose to speak to your child you have to make them play together. Why is it so difficult to accept that not all children are the same?

Look at it this way - a guy comes to talk to you in a bar. You exchange pleasantries because it is polite. On the basis of the argument of some who insist on doing whatever the new 'friend' suggests, it would mean that if he asked you out you would HAVE to go out with him, whether you want to or not. That is what you are saying the children have to do. Your child talks to another child. The child or the mother says no thank you(politely, which obviously isn't the scenario in the OP but we seem to have moved on). End of story. How annoying is it is the guy in the bar doesn't take no for an answer. How sad that the child can't take no for an answer. Really, they need to learn social skills just as much as the shy child needs to be encouraged to speak.

Nikos - my sociable but shy DS2 sounds like your DD. He is popular, everybody wants to play with him but he cannot handle somebody insisting he plays with them when he has had no opportunity to get to know them.

What it all boils down to is that some people like a quantity of friends and lots of superficial friendships and some people go for quality and a close circle of few friends. I don't think either is wrong although clearly some of you do.

My children are older and so I have seen how very confident toddlers turn out and in my experience it bears no relationship to how they make friends and build relationships when they are at school. Often such 'confident' individuals are very poor at the negotiation skills needed for real friendships and teamwork.
When one of my children didnt speak to someone in the street who spoke to them I asked them why. They said, because I don't know them. I actually think it is an inbuilt safety mechanism for young children not to speak to strangers. I think the ones that do are unusual and that is why some people may find it strange. I absolutely do not think that it is a measure of the future sociability of a child. Ive seen too many times that it is not.

Oh for god's sake, I can't believe what some of you are saying. The child is three. THREE! He was just being a friendly little chap, going up to people & talking. The mother of the other child was being a complete cow, talking to a 3-year-old like that. Her DC was not of course obliged to play with the OP's DS (but nobody said he was). The mother could have just said (kindly & gently, as you would talk to a 3 year old) 'I'm sorry, my DC doesn't really want to play right now... maybe some other time?' I really don't understand how egocentric some people are, really, when one decides to go to a soft-play centre, there's bound to be children around who want to play with your child (that's the point of the whole thing!)

And Nikos, when you say 'something in this child is rubbing people the wrong way', I'm a bit gobsmacked to be honest . What on earth could be 'rubbing people the wrong way' about a 3 year old?! I have to say, this kind of comment is actually rubbing me the wrong way...

But that doesn't answer the main point the OP was making about the parents of the kids she came across today, being unable or unwilling to speak appropriately to a little 3 year old who has innocently made contact with them! And how these parents were teaching their own kids nothing about social interaction; it's not about forcing them to play; you could just as well say "no, ds doesn't want to play but thank you for asking" as you could say "this boy wants to play, lets go down the slide"......but they should be able to say something when approached politely by a little 3 year old!

I have no argument with kids being different!

my post was in response to neicie, btw

Yes the mother was being a cow and could have handled it much better.

But, I think also think it would be beneficial for OP to explain to her son that sometimes kids don't want to play and if that is the case, leave them alone. Don't follow them and make them sad.

Oh dear, a 3 year old wnats to play with another child and it makes that child sad.FGS - stop being so precious.

Just to add my spanner in the works I think YAB a bit U. Everyone assumes on this thread that the other mum was being selfish/a cow/lacking in social skills etc. but I've been in situations where some stranger's kid is in your kid's face and it's really uncomfortable to know what to say to them. For some of you it would be natural to say "No, sorry x doesn't want to play now" but I have always felt uncomfortable 'managing' other people's children (even my closest friends). You never know what you're dealing with when a stranger's child comes up - 'does he have a basic understanding of what I'm about to say?' 'will his mother get shitty about it?' 'will my kid get a thump later on?' 'will I end up in some tiresome negotiation with some dullard kid that doesn't understand the word no?'

I'm someone who doesn't feel comfortable dealing with other peoples' children because I believe it is their job not mine. She got pissed off because ultimately she was having to 'manage' another child on top of her own child being in tears. You, as the adult in charge, should've been sensitive enough to see what was unfolding and stepped in before it got to that.

There are always a clutch of 'outgoing and confident' in these soft play hell holes and I always steer my children away from them because quite often the soft play area is enough to negotiate and get their bearings round. You could steer yours towards like minded children rather than the shy sensitive mums and tots.

And TBH I think your posts nikos and neicie, do show that the OP was correct about people 'mistaking' an outgoing confident child for a bully (or in your case, as being no good at negotiation, no good at teamwork, unable to form 'proper' friendships and likely to only have superficial relationships!)!!!!!! JEEZ.

Fairynuff - It is not a 3 year olds fault that your social skills are lacking.

It sound to me that some of you positivley dislike other people's children. Comments about other people should be watching and dealing with their DC are unhelpful, the softplay round here are very hard to keep an eye on your children and if you have younger DC it can be very difficult. Why take your DC to these places, stay at home.....please?

I totally agree that the adults involved here didn't respond as you would expect to this child approaching. It happened three times though which makes me think that there might be something to look at in the childs approach. Ive honestly never seen a genuinely friendly child being rebuffed by adults at soft play.
But then we do have cappuchino at ours

I also think that some of you with apparently 'shy' DC are so worried about this that you possibley demonise more outgoing children.

nikos - the boy is 3, you are missing the point.

queenofbeas - Very true it is not a 3 year old's fault that my social skills are lacking.
But equally not my fault is that said 3 year becomes stigmatised as being a bully because his over enthusiasm isn't managed in the correct way by his mother.

Leo - I never said that the OP's child was a bully. I don't think he is but I don't think the shy little boy is the only one who needs a little bit of socialisation. Not a headline story though is it - '3 yo's need lessons in social skills?' As you say 'Jeez'

Actually to whoever said it wasn't about forcing a child to play queenofbeas said exactly that.

To quote - "No i don't think a child dhould say no to another child playing with them unless that child's behaviour is unacceptable".

She isn't the only one who has insinuated that.

Actually I pity the poor child, who doesn't have a say in who they play with because their mother won't let them make their own judgement.

I repeat again though - there is no excuse for rudeness. You acknowledge the child and try to get your child to respond - I am not disagreeing with that but that is the end of the story as far as I am concerned.

I don't understand why, if you have a very shy child ,you wouldn't want to encourage them to overcome that and coax them into play.Not just decide 'oh well he's a bit shy and leave it at that'
Personally I would ask my DC if we should both go and play with the DC and make it lots of fum for my DC.

Fairy - you percieve the situation like this because YOU are inadequate not the LITLLE boy. I hope you don't pass your shot comings on to your DC.

Err Neice - I defintley think they should be encouraged NOT forced to mix with other children unless you want DC to stand in the corner of the school yard at breaks because no one showed them how to mix? Mummy won't be there then.

Katiestar - if you have a "very shy child" the last thing you would do is to bulldoze them into to playing with a child who is a complete anathema to them. Shy children take a while to build up trust. If you as a parent force them to engage with an overbearing confident child not only will your child resent you but they will lose any confidence they built up doing the activity you were there for in the first place.

Alot of this my DC is shy is complete crap, mollycoddled yes, shy no.

queenofbeas - I teach my children to be respectful of other peoples' feelings and personal space. And have done since they were tiny. They have never been snubbed by other children, or adults. And certainly not three times in one morning.

I could ask the question, AIBU to think that a lot of parents find 'shy' children ignorant, PFB and rather odd? Answers on a postcard ......

fairy

How old are they?

I have 3 DC. 8 year old was shy but not now. 7 year was painfully shy and still is. 4 year old could be the child in the OP 'confident and outgoing'.

I repeat that children not speaking to strangers is the norm and I think it is a very good inbuilt safety mechanism.

Fairynuff- that is why i say you as a parent play with your DC alongside this child.Surely nobody is so shy they are afraid of playing with their own mum !!

Oh and 'Encourage' and 'coax' I said rather than bulldoze.