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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that a lot of parents mistake a confident outgoing toddler for a bully?

137 replies

2pt4kids · 06/02/2009 19:25

I've seen this a few times before, but today just takes the biscuit and I'm having a bit of a rant!

Ds1 is 3.4 yrs old. He could never be described as shy! He is very outgoing and will talk to anyone.
He is at the age where he just LOVES playing with other children. Of course I play with him, but when we are out at play places he just really wants to play with the other children.

Today at a soft play place (a very small local one, all on one level) he was off playing. I was in the netted off baby section with DS2.
I could see DS1 at all times and hear him most of the time.
First of all he was on the slide with another little boy a bit younger than him. DS1 obviously thought they were playing 'together'. The other boy wanders off and DS1 follows him and starts chatting to him. The other boy seems a bit shy, looks a bit unsure and goes off to another section with his Mum. DS1 follows again and chats to the boy asking him if he wants to come on the slide with him. The boy turns to go back to his Mum instead in a shy way and in doing so slips over then cries.
I could hear DS1 saying in such a sweet voice 'You ok? Did you hurt your leg?' and trying to see why the boy was crying. The boys Mum just glared a DS1 and turned her back to him picking up her son.
She then walked away and Ds1 started to follow her so she snapped at him 'For Gods Sake just leave him alone!'
She threw me a glare too as if to say 'why arent you keeping your child in check?'

I didnt say anything as she was very pregnant and I didnt want to start an argument tbh. Ds1 wasnt upset, it all went over his head so I just left it, but it breaks my heart to see poor DS1 so glared at for just wanting a friend

After that I saw DS go up to two other children with parents with them and ask them if they wanted to play with him. Both parents just looked at him like he was being really intrusive and herded their DCs away.
I did go up to one of them and say 'is something wrong, I saw my DS approach you, did he misbehave?' and they said 'No, its fine, my son is just a bit scared of older children and a bit shy'

Why on earth cant an adult just say to a 3 year old 'I'm sorry, my DS doesnt want to play today, he's a bit shy' instead of glaring at him!!!

Is this normal? Is my DS not normal? Why do people seem to hate that he approaches other children?

AIBU to let him do this?
Should I tell him off for trying to make friends?

It makes me soooo mad

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 08/02/2009 10:28

SweetAudrina - so what do you suggest? That we tell our children never to talk to any other children at a play place? Does this apply to the school playground as well?

If you go to soft play places and McDonalds etc, do you not want your children to make 'friends' and play with other children?

Of course if another child is eating I will say to the LO that it was nice to say Hi, but the little boy/girl is having their lunch so come and sit down and maybe we can talk to him/her later on...

I suppose you could say he was just being friendly but sometimes people just want to be left alone I'm afraid.

There isn't any 'suppose' about it, he was just being friendly. It's called social interaction and yes eventually they will learn that not everyone is very sociable, but there's no way I'm telling the LO not to play with other children just so I can avoid 'annoying' the odd person like you who wants their child to play alone at a play place.

I'm sorry, but I really just don't understand your POV.

mrsruffallo · 08/02/2009 10:48

What an attitude!
My son is very friendly too and I assume that other children are over pampered if they can't cope with him asking if they want to play!
My boy is also very sweet and friendly but it amazes me how many children have very limited social skills even at 3

pagwatch · 08/02/2009 11:00

ermm.
of course I think kids should mix .

But a child may not be pampered. My child din't want other children too close because he has severe ASD.
I would take him to soft play etc because a) he needed the excercise b) he needed to get used to the noise and c) being in the vicinity of other children is step one of probably 200 to getting him to actually play with other children.
So no. Not pampered.

mrsruffallo · 08/02/2009 11:04

With severe ASD of course I would be more sympathetic, and it would be nice if the parent informed me and I could keep my son away then!
I was talking more in general than kids with special needs

ChippingIn · 08/02/2009 11:07

Pagwatch I understand how hard it is in your situation and I like your attitude to it (that it's a part of the learning process), it's the attitude of people like SA, with non SN children that I don't understand.

I also don't understand the attitude of the adults with the children that don't want to play (or aren't able to), why can't they just nicely say 'Sorry x doesn't want to play today but thank you for asking'... why be so rude?? (I'm sure you aren't).

shonaspurtle · 08/02/2009 11:16

I hope we meet your ds at soft play one day 2pt4kids. Ds (2.2) loves playing with older children and we often have the opposite problem as they are obviously bigger and faster so he can't keep up.

He sounds really lovely imo. Maybe the mother was stressed about other stuff, because it was unreasonable for her to talk to your ds that way.

Coldtits · 08/02/2009 11:35

I rather ill advisedly explained to ds1 that the reason some people tell you to go away when you have only said hello, or don't say hello back "Even when they are grown ups" is that some people are not good with other people, and some people are just rude.

Ahem. All true. However.

A couple of days later, he said hello to a lady waiting for a train on the platform. She tutted and rolled her eyes, and didn't reply. And of course, being the curious, friendly soul he is, he blurted at the top of his foghorn-esque voice "Are you not very good with other people or are you just rude?"

I did, of course, shush him. But she definitely heard him, and so did everyone else.

laumiere · 08/02/2009 11:42

YANBU, my DS has CP and is non-verbal, but is also very tall so gets mistaken for an older child at soft play (he's 30 months now). He isn't really ready to play with older kids so I just stay nearby and explain to the older child that DS can't talk, is a bit shy and doesn't want to play right now, but thank you. Sorted!

queenofbeas · 08/02/2009 11:59

OMG. What a cowbag. Your DS sounds like a lovley, confident child and this will stand him in good stead for school.

Yes, some people (especially PFB mothers) may not like 'friendly' children but I think they are far better than the po faced little shits that are'nt taught that it is rude to ignore someone when they are talking to you and this is explained as them being shy.

queenofbeas · 08/02/2009 12:02

I can't actually catch my breath at parents who do not want to be approached by other children - no wonder your childre are ignorant, sorry 'shy'. Stay at home if you want to be exclusivley with your child.

queenofbeas · 08/02/2009 12:04

PMSL at Coldtits DS. Out of the mouth of babes.....

ChippingIn · 08/02/2009 12:05

Coldtits - out the mouth of babes... hillarious Maybe she wont be so rude next time!!

Laumiere - amazing how easily and politely some 'problems' can be fixed isn't it

SweetAudrina · 08/02/2009 12:05

I do want my kids to make friends at soft play, of course. But, they don't always want to and I would rather they were not followed around if it were making them uncomfortable.

My youngest son is very sociable and he would love your DS, it wouldn't have been a problem.

But my eldest was always very reserved and he would not have appreciated being followed around if he'd already made it clear that he didn't want to play. After a while, he would have tried to find me and asked if we could leave.

He's 15 and still like this now. He's a solitary creature and that's just the way he is.

I'm not saying there is a problem with your DS being sociable, of course its good that he is. But I think little ones do need to learn that some people don't like to play and if they say no, its time to leave them alone.

And the Mcdonalds thing is something else entirely, I think its rude to stand at someone elses table whilst they're trying to eat and the boy's parents should have called him away.

queenofbeas · 08/02/2009 12:05

x post chipping in.

queenofbeas · 08/02/2009 12:07

Sweet, I can understand the Mcdonlads POV.

However, children need to be taught social skills so that they don't become anti-social adults.

SweetAudrina · 08/02/2009 12:11

Yes they do, and taking no for an answer is a part of that, surely?

I was always very worried that my eldest didn't want to make friends, aspergers was considered for a while because he just seemed to get so stressed out when friendship was 'forced' on to him. But as he grew older, he did make a couple of close friends but never more than two/three and he never did talk to kids he didn't know as he grew up.

As I say, he's still like that now and he's happy and confident. He has 3 friends who he spends a lot of time with but if someone approaches him on holiday to chat, he makes his excuses and leaves. He's not shy, just not sociable. Like me

My youngest would gab your head off and you'd be trying to find me to hand him back

queenofbeas · 08/02/2009 12:15

Sweet - Your DS's sitution is self limiting. No i don't think a child dhould say no to another child playing with them unless that child's behaviour is unacceptable. All this does is teaches them that it is ok to be unsociable and that will not help them trough life.

Eve4Walle · 08/02/2009 12:15

MY dd has always been a very confident child, and I have had lots of similar incidents over the years, some of which have been hurtful to us both.

We just learnt to get on with it, some people do just have kids who are naturally quiet and like their own space. Mine isn't one of those, and what I usually find is that she gravitates towards children who are very outgoing like she is.

I always thought the point of soft play was to get them to integrate on their own terms with other kids, as well as have some fun. If I thought my DD was the kind of child who would just want to play on her own, I'd probably avoid those kind of places because in my view, they would be a waste of money (for us).

That woman was wrong to say what she said to your DS though, no excuse for that.

queenofbeas · 08/02/2009 12:16

In fact I think it is quite mean behaviour but the child who is louder stands out and looks like the naughty one.

edam · 08/02/2009 12:18

at Coldtits' ds. Brilliant timing!

Thunderduck · 08/02/2009 12:39

I'm not addressing the OP here btw but I don't believe that children should be expected or forced to play with another child if they'd rather play by themselves.

I wouldn't expect it of adults, so why should children be forced to do so? There's nothing wrong with wanting to play alone.

SweetAudrina · 08/02/2009 13:13

Thunderduck, that's what I was trying to say. Why should kids be forced to play if they don't want to? not everyone wants to be sociable 24/7 and there is nothing wrong with that IMO.

BlueBumedFly · 08/02/2009 13:36

My DD is 21 months and extremely sociable and too young to understand that some people don't want to say hello. She will continue to yell 'hello' and if she does not get a response she will then do a funny dance to try to make the person soften up. She just wants to be friendly but so many people think she is being a pain. How hard is it just to say a polite hello and if you don't want to interact any more then say bye bye and walk away?

I seem to attract every kid at the soft play, most probably because I interact and play with my DD not sit back, drink coffee and ignore her for an hour... oooops, sorry, that is a whole different debate huh.

2pt4kids, I hope your son continues to be sociable and friendly. I am sure he is lovely.

Niecie · 08/02/2009 14:52

I can't believe that some of you feel that other children should play with your child just because they asked! We are all different surely. If somebody doesn't want to play they shouldn't be forced to as if they are being rude for not wanting to. I just don't get this at all. Do you as an adult expect to have a chat with everybody you meet in a bar or when you are out? You would find it a bit odd, I would have thought, if people were forever trying to strike up a conversation with you when you didn't want them to.

Shy does not equal rude. It is just the way some people are. Forcing your child to play with another child is not going to cure it, (even if you could force them).

My DS2 is a very popular and sociable child, when you get to know him but he is shy and would run a mile from an unknown child who tried to force him to play with them. He needs time to watch and take in the situation. He would not just go off with another child if asked.

Of course I wouldn't give the child the evil eye for looking at him but I would expect the child to take no for an answer - teaching a child the world revolves around them and that everybody should have to follow their lead is no better than being shy - it causes just as many problems in later life.

MrsMattie · 08/02/2009 14:54

YANBU.

People with very quiet, shy, obedient children often just don't understand life's out going enthusiasts.

p.s. softplay centres are ghastly. Don't go!

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