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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that a lot of parents mistake a confident outgoing toddler for a bully?

137 replies

2pt4kids · 06/02/2009 19:25

I've seen this a few times before, but today just takes the biscuit and I'm having a bit of a rant!

Ds1 is 3.4 yrs old. He could never be described as shy! He is very outgoing and will talk to anyone.
He is at the age where he just LOVES playing with other children. Of course I play with him, but when we are out at play places he just really wants to play with the other children.

Today at a soft play place (a very small local one, all on one level) he was off playing. I was in the netted off baby section with DS2.
I could see DS1 at all times and hear him most of the time.
First of all he was on the slide with another little boy a bit younger than him. DS1 obviously thought they were playing 'together'. The other boy wanders off and DS1 follows him and starts chatting to him. The other boy seems a bit shy, looks a bit unsure and goes off to another section with his Mum. DS1 follows again and chats to the boy asking him if he wants to come on the slide with him. The boy turns to go back to his Mum instead in a shy way and in doing so slips over then cries.
I could hear DS1 saying in such a sweet voice 'You ok? Did you hurt your leg?' and trying to see why the boy was crying. The boys Mum just glared a DS1 and turned her back to him picking up her son.
She then walked away and Ds1 started to follow her so she snapped at him 'For Gods Sake just leave him alone!'
She threw me a glare too as if to say 'why arent you keeping your child in check?'

I didnt say anything as she was very pregnant and I didnt want to start an argument tbh. Ds1 wasnt upset, it all went over his head so I just left it, but it breaks my heart to see poor DS1 so glared at for just wanting a friend

After that I saw DS go up to two other children with parents with them and ask them if they wanted to play with him. Both parents just looked at him like he was being really intrusive and herded their DCs away.
I did go up to one of them and say 'is something wrong, I saw my DS approach you, did he misbehave?' and they said 'No, its fine, my son is just a bit scared of older children and a bit shy'

Why on earth cant an adult just say to a 3 year old 'I'm sorry, my DS doesnt want to play today, he's a bit shy' instead of glaring at him!!!

Is this normal? Is my DS not normal? Why do people seem to hate that he approaches other children?

AIBU to let him do this?
Should I tell him off for trying to make friends?

It makes me soooo mad

OP posts:
seeker · 08/02/2009 14:57

I'm sure this isn't the case with the OP, but it's also true that some parents mistake their own bully for a confident outgoing child!

Tclanger · 08/02/2009 15:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

queenofbeas · 08/02/2009 16:23

"Shy does not equal rude"

It can be used as an excuse to be rude and often is. You don't need to foce a child, you shoulde encourage them to interact. I cannot abide parents who do not encorage their child to reply when being spoken to, an adult would not do that as it is just bloody rude and then they say, Ahh they are just shy, er no they are rude.

queenofbeas · 08/02/2009 16:25

When a 'shy' child starts school, the teacher will not accept their lack of response and say oh well there just shy.

SweetAudrina · 08/02/2009 16:31

So if the other boy had said "I don't want to play with you" that would have been ok? Or would that be seen as rude/aggressive?

queenofbeas · 08/02/2009 16:33

That is just rude. No wonder we have so many teens with problems. If an adult starts a conversation with another adult it is only polite to have a chat back, not to say I don't want to talk to you.

SweetAudrina · 08/02/2009 16:46

I agree when it comes to adults, but some children ARE genuinly shy and shouldn't feel presurised into talking to people they don't know.

This situation would have really stressed my eldest at that age so I can only imagine how stressed the mum must have been.

Also, I know it's a little over-said on here but how do we know what kind of day the mum had had? perhaps she'd already had a shitty day and decided to take her child out to get away for an hour or two and then had that ruined when her child was upset ... in her eyes by another child.

Yes we should encourage the kids to be sociable but we should also encourage them to not assume everyone IS as sociable as they are.

SweetAudrina · 08/02/2009 16:48

Also, it sounds like the boy in question was trying to get away from the situation without being rude. A lot of kids would have just told him to go away (this has happened to my youngest before).

queenofbeas · 08/02/2009 16:55

Regardless of the day she had, she acted like a PFBish cowbag, talking to a small child like that.

Katiestar · 08/02/2009 17:04

YANBU
Your DS sounds a sweetheart.If i was the mother of the other child I would do everything to get my child to play with your DS .
Perhaps in the other woman's defence she just saw her child running away with your DS in persuit and got the wrong idea.
Plerase don't worry about it or discourage yopur DS from his friendliness.

queenofbeas · 08/02/2009 17:06

Well said Katie.

newgirl · 08/02/2009 17:13

i think the other mother didnt handle it very well

however, it is a public place and perhaps that other kid was quite new to it all and just didnt want to play - was tired, thristy, needed his mum - whatever reason he had, it was his reason

i prefer to invite mates round or go to play places/park with a friend so the kids get to know each other and you can more easily gauge the situation

SantaLucia · 08/02/2009 17:44

Its very interesting how we all have totally different perspectives - all no doubt based on our own upbringing, values and experience with DCs.

IMO the mum should have behaved more like an adult and told your DS that her DC didn't want to play just now. I feel sorry for all the sociable DCs who can't get everyone to be as jolly and outgoing as they are. I also feel sorry for all the shy children who prefer their own company. We are all different. That's life. Attacking the behaviour of other parents who have different values is wrong. So is attacking DCs with personalities you may not warm to instinctively.

A little understanding both ways would be good. 99% of people are trying to do the best thing for their DC. We all need to accept that, no matter how it differs from what we might do.

Leo9 · 08/02/2009 18:01

Agree that no matter what sort of day she had, she should have been able to muster the social skills to say politely but assertively if necessary, to a THREE year old "no my ds doesn't want to play now thank you"

I agree with Santa that this child, if shy, shouldn't be looked down on for that but that's not what I read from the OP, it was about the mum wasn't it?

I sympathise hugely with the OP because my DS was outgoing and very very chatty and it was painful to see him ignored and rebuffed; and his approaches were done in a very polite, sociable way; he's not been a boy who is in people's faces at all; he just expected other parents and kids to be able to talk to him! I have been amazed at the amount of grown adults with frankly inadequate levels of social skills. I was pathetically grateful for any adult or kid who actually had the ability to respond!

oh, and MrsMattie has hit on the crux of the whole issue; never go to soft play!!!

nikos · 08/02/2009 18:05

Why did this happen three times in one soft play session though? There is perhaps something in your ds' approach that is putting children off. I would be looking at that tbh.

Leo9 · 08/02/2009 18:11

but nikos this little boy is 3!!!!! From the OP's description he has simply been talking to people......

I just recognise my own ds in this so I guess I am a little defensive of the OP.

But I really think from my experience and from how the OP is worded that this is simply a little boy who expects other people to be able to respond to him and is finding that there are some parents out there who don't, even though they should know better.

nikos · 08/02/2009 18:18

But most reasonable adults respond when a child talks to them. I think there is perhaps something in this little boys approach which is quite clearly rubbing adults and children up the wrong way. Being able to go and talk to strangers does not necessarily make one sociable. A sociable person is one who can form friendships, show give and take and be good fun.

Leo9 · 08/02/2009 18:22

nikos, you are clearly a lovely and reasonable adult but IME with DS what you say is simply not the case. Ds is and always has been extremely mannerly and polite, gawd knows how as we haven't 'trained' him but his approach to people was always ultra polite; and I was truly amazed at the amount of adults and kids who couldn't or wouldn't respond.

TBH my ds social skills, like the OP's son by the sounds of it, were just way ahead of ALOT of adults

Minxie1977 · 08/02/2009 18:23

Leo - "I have been amazed at the amount of grown adults with frankly inadequate levels of social skills"

Couldn't agree more - maybe they were 'shy' children too

Surely it's our responsibility as the adult to push our DC's boundaries and encourage them to address situations - not just run away and hide behind a parent? Even at a very young age!

Leo9 · 08/02/2009 18:24

Exactly Minxie. These parents IMO could so easily have said to their child "this boy wants to play, lets go with him down the slide". Just teaching them by example HOW to respond, it's not a case of "Go on you go and play with this strange kid".

nikos · 08/02/2009 18:28

I've got three children and my dd is the shyest of them all, yet she is brilliant at making friends. Her classmates fight over her to invite her back to tea. It's not about going up and speaking to people, it is about creating an environment around yourself where people feel comfortable and enjoy themselves.

nikos · 08/02/2009 18:32

And I've never seen this type of situation unfold in a soft play. Most people in my experience do accept that children have different personalities and that includes those with precocious children accepting that not all of us find that particularly endearing.

queenofbeas · 08/02/2009 18:32

Good post Minxie.

Nikos - Your DD must have at some point reached out to her classmates?

Leo9 · 08/02/2009 18:32

I agree nikos but that does not mean that if a child politely talks to you, you should not be able to respond politely! Specially adults! And it does not mean that a child who DOES go up to people, is NOT sociable!

Leo9 · 08/02/2009 19:05

I think you're misreading the situation personally, nikos; is being able to speak to people, precocious?

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