to wish people wouldn't tell women who are ttc to "relax and it might happen naturally/I know so many people who gave up and then fell pregnant"?

[wannaBe]

Because if it really was that simple then there would be no infertility treatment/no need to spend years and years trying for a baby you cannot have.

I do realize that people are trying to be helpful.

But I do also think that it gives a lot of false hope to people where there is none.

Because while there are of course women who forget about ttc and end up falling pregnant naturally, there are a lot more who don't.

Maria2007, either I am not writing clearly or you are mis-understanding my posts.

"Elf: see, that's an important difference in our point of view. I never tell people struggling with a disease stories of medical miracles. The other thing you say- about not being able to understand etc. Well, there's such a thing as an imagination. And empathy."

I never said that I agree it is right to say "oooh, chill out and you conceieve" or "I know of this woman who..." etc. All I was doing was trying to say I understand WHY people say what they say, even if it is not right or helpful.

I put in my second post that I will say to people that I am sorry, it must be difficult, if you want to talk, I'm around. I dont add anything else such as the miracle stories because as I said, I dont feel like I can say anything else because I dont know how people are feeling and dont want to upset them. But if people want to offload on me, then I'm there, I'm listening.

MrandMrsTwit, you're right, it's such a shame that people don't talk about these things - it's such an intensely private issue and many people keep it secret from everyone. I spent alot of time on IF sites when I was ttc and was that some people hadn't even told their own parents and instead kept up a pretence that they didn't want children. I think that is so sad.

IF is nothing to be ashamed of, but others thoughtless comments often makes you feel it is. When women 'boast' about the virility of their husbands it makes those who have to have ICSI feel lesser sometimes, or the media makes ridiculous comments about IVF being for 'career' women who left it too late to have a baby and we all get tarred with the same brush.

I have always been very open and honest about my IF and bore tell anyone who wants to listen about the agonising journey I had to endure to have my son. I hope it helps to educate others and I hope this thread has also helped make people realise that their thoughtlessness can cause alot of pain.

I'll hold my hands up as someone who has kept infertility very private in real life. DH didn't even want to tell our parents, but I persuaded him to tell (once we had been diagnosed and decided to go for treatment instead of trying to adopt or remaining childless). In retrospect, I think that DH was right, as they weren't really capable of supporting us, having never dealt with the issue themselves, and in fact we ended up having to deal with their grief that it was likely that they would never have grandchildren as well as our own. It put a lot of pressure on me. We beat the odds and have two lovely daughters and we are astonished every day at how incredibly lucky we are, but I will never forget what pain we had to go through.

The trouble is, I think, that so many people have such strong opinions about infertility. I know people who have told me that there are so many children to adopt that it is selfish to have fertility treatment, there are people who think that there are too many people in the world already, or that infertility is "God's way". And that's not getting into the topic of IVF, let alone sperm or egg donation! I just don't want to be subjected to someone else's prejudice, especially at such a fragile time in my life, thank you very much.

i remember my mum saying when i had my 3rd mc and became vvv depressed again "maybe its best that someone like you doesnt have anymore"

she also regularly asks when we aretaking the top tier of our wedding cake off her hands (we were saving it for a christening - and wanted both our dc's christened at the same time)

to her its harmless, but reminds me that im failing at the "most natural thing in the world"

MrsTittleMouse, hope you weren't thinking I was criticizing those who choose to keep their IF private, I wasn't .

I agree with you about the ignorant comments that you sometimes have to endure when you go public with your IF, and I know that many people don't want to do this - it's a personal decision. I hope that those who do feel able to go public can help raise the profile of IF and the pain endured by all those who suffer this.

Don't even get me started on the "just adopt" brigade - that's a whole other thread .

Oh lissielou

spongebrain - no problem, I wasn't offended - actually I think that I'm a bit hypocritical about this, as I want people to understand, but I don't go public with my own battles. So I stick to trying to educate my Mum and to ranting on internet forums to try to do it anonomously!

lissielou

I did decide to be pretty open about my IVF at least. Big mistake.

Those on here have been through it will understand the mood swings, the rollercoaster of joy one day because follicles are growing to despair when told at next scan they weren't.

One IVF cycel I haemorraged a week into the 2 week wait
Second I hyperstimulated and they collecetd only 1 egg from 35 follicles after having to coast me
Third cycle sperm mysteriously died in vitro before fertilising eggs.

Dealing with constant questions about how things were going even from people really close to me like my mum or sister was terrible.

There were days when I was so miserable I was barely coherent, when meaning people trying to chivvy me along was a nightmare.

And yet I still advise people to try IVF before considering adoption if thats what they feel they want.

I'm not sure how a conversation about infertility even with a relative stranger could ever be described as "casual"

Kew, I always spoke about my IF but told only a couple of people each time I was actually cycling for the reasons you describe.

Sorry you had such a difficult time .

thanks - actually it seems a long time ago now and although in many ways the adoption was harder, it was always more certain than IVF so I took comfort from that.

I don't beleive things happens for a reason (I think someone else said that below), shit happens to good people and bad people come out smelling of roses sometimes - there is no "fate". However I do think that going trhough that process and learning to accept infertility with some degree of grace will hopefully make me more able to empathise with the loss DS has in his life and ultimately be a better parent to him.

Am SPEECHLESS that people are STILL saying 'but my SILs relaxed and they fell pregnant' or 'people just don't know what to say'.

Clean out your self-centred, science-illiterate lugholes, pin them back, and LISTEN. Or, you know, read.

And to the person who said that it CAN be helpful to be reminded after m/c that the foetus must have had a problem - maybe so after the first. But after the third, or the sixth, or the eleventh? I strongly doubt it.

after my first mc - which was a long drawn out affair that started on a plane back from holiday - the doc that examined me said that there was probably something wrong with the feotus. i was furious. my baby was perfect in every way, but he made it sound like an ingrowing toenail.

lissilou, I agree with you - I never took comfort from the "there must have been something wrong" line. They were my babies .