to wish people wouldn't tell women who are ttc to "relax and it might happen naturally/I know so many people who gave up and then fell pregnant"?

[wannaBe]

Because if it really was that simple then there would be no infertility treatment/no need to spend years and years trying for a baby you cannot have.

I do realize that people are trying to be helpful.

But I do also think that it gives a lot of false hope to people where there is none.

Because while there are of course women who forget about ttc and end up falling pregnant naturally, there are a lot more who don't.

2shoes- I don't buy it that those who say this are trying to be nice, sorry. Honestly, I can't see how an incredibly thoughtless, insensitive comment (especially when it comes from those who conceived easily) can ever be seen as being 'nice'...

I agree, YANBU. I too heard this a million times - its like telling someone not to think about Elephants!

Well there you go kerrymumbles, you know not to say it again!

People die every day, but I wouldn't say to someone recently widowed, "but people die every day", would I?

Just as insensitive to say "just relax" to someone ttc - especially from someone who conceived easily and hasn't got a clue how painful infertility is.

this thread is spot on.

there are hundreds of well meaning phrases that people use when they hear that we have mc'd again (dont tell anyone in rl anymore because of it)even fecking doctors. c&p'd this from another thread (i said it, so i'm allowed to )

"they cant wait to get rid of me. they tell me to relax, go on hol, its just one of those things..

well actually its pretty hard to relax when you want a baby so desperately, and you know that even IF you get up the pole chances are you wont even get to see it on a scan because, lets face it, after 8 mcs the odds must be pretty low by now.

i dont want to go on holiday because i may be pg, in which case i dont want to fly in case i dislodge the baby (freaky i know) i worry about eating the "right" things and god forbid i should have a drink!

and its NOT just one of those things. its 8 (9 if you count the ep) of those things. and thosethings were our children. all of whom died before they could even draw breath. so yes, mother nature is cruel, and im sure this is natural selection. but there is nothing natural in selecting each of my precious babies to die. i try so hard to do the right thing every day. but its not working. and there has to be a reason."

everytime i hear "relax" "go on hol" "it was barely a pg anyway" (yes really) "my friends cousins friend was ttc for 17y, gave up aged 64, got a salamander and bam: she was pg with triplets, then she had quads straight after. all of whom were born at term and got an MA at 4yo" i want to scream. i was relaxed at the beginning. didnt work then, is unlikely to work now.

sorry, am v bitter

Have a stealth hug Lissielou - god knows you deserve one.

I think I would have gone insane without the MA and the internet forums for mc - no one in RL said anything useful to me at all

Maria - having been on the receiving end of countless platitudes regarding a different issue (DS has language delay, at one point it was officially diagnosed as severe), I am very familiar with the relentless and ever so slightly tactless positive remarks people make ("he'll talk when he's ready", "they all get there in the end", "my granny's 58th cousin removed didn't talk till he 22 and is now president of the UN)). I genuinely do think people mean well and think they are doing you a favour by "positive thinking" .

I appreciate that having a child with relatively mild SN is a rather different issue to infertility and PG loss, but I think that the same principles are in play - that if people don't know what to say, they tend to try and jolly you along.

Anniemac I am lucky in that noone has come out with that to me...good job too as I would have given them a piece of my mind. If you didn't I admire your self control.

Lissielou you're entitled to be bitter and angry and jealous and whatever else you are feeling. I don't know you but it sounds like you've gone through hell and need time to recover and grieve for your losses.

I've been thinking about this some more and I think that part of the problem is that people don't like to deal with the "dark" emotions (grief, diasppointment, anger, jealousy etc) and so try to jolly us along to snap out of it. When actually you have to work through these feelings and need time and space to do so.

Totalchaos, I see what you mean... But I'm not sure I agree actually. 'jollying someone along' in this case would be saying something such as 'don't lose hope, I'm sure it'll be ok in the end'. Such a comment would, I suppose, be fairly harmless. However, giving advice about relaxation & it's perceived effects on fertility is an entirely different matter. And by the way, I'm not always so quick to assume people are so well meaning. Sometimes they are, but often there's a lot of underlying competitiveness between women...

annie mac - are you serious?? Do people really say " oh that would be terrible for me because i am such a natural mother??? I am gobsmacked at such rudeness

i would assume that means " unlike you, you are obviously un natural and that's probably why you haven't conceived"

i have never been in your siuation but cant imagine how i woudl stop myself punching soemone who told me to relax. what a stupid and heartless thing to say. i dont think its " nice". its basically implying its your own fault because you are so uptight

It happened to me! Dh and I tried for years for a family nothing. Tests showed I didn't ovulate so I took clomid still nothing. Then I had fertility drugs (injections in the stomach). Horrible experience but after 3 attempts I fell pregnant but had a mmc. I was devastated as you can imagine but didn't feel strong enough emotionally to go through more treatment. THe clinic said they would let me have 6 months break before I went back (theres a waiting list.) That was not necessary the mmc was in the november 04 and I had ds1 sept 05 I had another mc december 06 but I had my ds2 November 2007. All these pregnancys happened completely naturally and that after a consultant said you must know that you can never have children natuarally! Family now complete I used contraception for the first time in years however my body had other ideas and I am 7 weeks pregnant with dc3 due in September! Totally unplanned and a total shock. However I am coming round slowly!

Sorry I hadn't read many of the threads just the title and the first few. Hope I haven't offended anyone!

Somebody asked me after my first m/c if I thought of them as 'real' children .

Peoples' stupidity/insensitivity never fails to amaze.

Well relaxing and forgetting about it didn;t happen for me. Mind, 4 years on and still waiting.... maybe one day #2 will come, who knows?

When I finally got pg with DD it was a month when I did everything wrong re eating/drinking, but still knew dates and timing, etc. Was jst luck.

one of the things i love about mn is getting a tiny insight into other peoples lives. helps understand if you have not been there iyswim

and hopefulyy would stop me saying such hurtful things

thanks for being so honest