to wish people wouldn't tell women who are ttc to "relax and it might happen naturally/I know so many people who gave up and then fell pregnant"?

[wannaBe]

Because if it really was that simple then there would be no infertility treatment/no need to spend years and years trying for a baby you cannot have.

I do realize that people are trying to be helpful.

But I do also think that it gives a lot of false hope to people where there is none.

Because while there are of course women who forget about ttc and end up falling pregnant naturally, there are a lot more who don't.

There's no doubt it's annoying and unhelpful.
But I think allowances have to be made for the (usual) good intention behind these kind of remarks.

YANBU and exactly what Charitygirl said.

Mind you, if you have IVF and are fortunate enough to conceive, you will then continually be told by well-meaning eejits about their friend Betty's cousin's sister-in-law who had one child through IVF and then went on to have three others naturally as it 'just cleared them out', the implication being that you too can have loads of children instead of it being 12 years of trying and 3 cripplingly-expensive rounds of treatment before you do have your miracle, by which time you're too old/impoverished/DH's sperm quality still negligible to even think about another child!

Agreed - I hated being told to relax because the implication is that you're a real stresshead and it's your fault you're not pregnant yet.

I got pregnant after 18 months and was not any more relaxed the 18th time than I was on lots of previous months.

CharityGirl - if 'adopt, and then you'll get pregnant' had any basis in fact then you could say 'put yourself through the most lengthy, drawn out emotional stress you can possibly imagine and it will happen' - which is not quite what is being implied

Of course there are anecdotal stories (I know of several) of people who have 'given up' in one way ot another and promptly got pregnant. But I agree it is not at all helpful and is why I kept very quiet about the fact that we were TTC.

WannaBe YANBU for all the reasons other posters have so elegantly put. TBH better to say nothing at all than this.

We needed IVF / ICSI to have our girls (I really know how blessed we are to have them) and I have lost track of the number of times this was said.

As for a gentle reminder to have sex!!! ROFL at the idea that someone who wants a baby isn't actively monitoring their body and baby dancing at every opportunity...

Yeah I got the "oh you'll be OK now" line after we had DD1 too...guess what needed more treatment to have DD2.

I guess the intention is well meaning most of the time but it always comes across as patronising and dismissive of real problems and anguish. (BTW I know IAprobBU feeling this).

YANBU - posted long rant and then site crashed and now it's all been said!!

It's never ever ever an acceptable thing to say and to compare it with saying "I'm sorry" when someone has been bereaved is crap. Why not just say "I'm sorry" when you hear someone is struggling to conceive?

And please don't say "I know how you feel", or "I struggled to have my children - it took me six months" or any of the other rubbish I've had said to me.

And yes, once you've had your LO the stupid remarks don't stop - if I had a pound for every person who said that my fertility will be restored now I've had my son I could retire.

I have blocked tubes, so unless my little boy was busy with a pipe cleaner while he was inside me, no amount of children will 'clear me out' .

Rant over.

Oh and anniemac, you shouldn't bite your lip you should tell them, I do!

I was told by a woman the other day who fell pg on her first month of trying that I just needed to relax and go on holiday. It's a fecking miracle she still has all her teeth to be honest!

YANBU - and I didn't need to hear about the latest 'miracle' cure for mc that they had read about in a magazine, that when looked into have absolutely no evidence to support their use either.

yanbu.

YANBU. I would not say this to anyone even though this is exactly what happened to us. TTC frazzles your nerves and you never know who is trying.

Sorry - although I agree that it's stupid to say 'you need to relax' to someone who's struggling with infertility, it makes sense to me that high cortisol levels (which is something you get when you have a lot of stress and anxiety) might have some impact on chances of conception because it blocks the action of oxytocin, which is the 'prime mover' when it comes to all sexual and reproductive behaviours. I haven't read any research on this but there is some research into the affects of very high levels of cortisol on ovulation - it's believed to suppress ovulation. Besides which stress is bad for your general health - high levels of cortisol are linked to heart disease and arterial stiffness - and being in good health generally can be quite important when it comes to conception.

I think the point I'm making is that though I would never say this to anyone (and didn't want anyone to say it to me when I was ttc and having problems, I think there is probably some truth behind it, in some cases of infertility.

there may be some truth behind it, but there's still no point in saying it to someone ttc!

"effects"

Yanbu.

I lost count of the amount of time i heard this while ttc ds.

It never helped..

I said this LOADS of times to my friend whilst she was going through horrible, stressful treatment. BUT only so she could throw things at me and tell me to Feck off - because she couldnt do it to all the people who said it and really meant it

For anyone ttc - my dh's cousin became pregnant after she got her staircarpet done, according to her normally sane mother. Who was advising me to do the same. (It didn't work for me, but it might for you!) When you are ttc, a lot of things are unreasonable...good luck if you are in that position.

Ha, a lucky stair carpet !

I have heard it all now

Maria2007 I never said I would say it. just that people who did were just trying to be nice.