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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

thinking that my husband might be abusing my child?

333 replies

morethanamum · 27/01/2009 08:28

a very sensitive issue.
im shaking,crying and just want to know what happened yesterday when i went to the gp and left my kids with husband. in the evening dd1 started complaining about her genitals,i noticed redness and while applying some sudocrem i asked her "what caused it?"she said "daddy"i asked "how did he do that?"she put her hand over her genitals.i confronted him,he was furious and said im crazy and dd1 must have said this like she always does when i ask her about who did stuff she says mummy or daddy,even though i know it isn`t true.but why did she touch herself?was she just pointing at the pain?when she was 1 and 1/5 she sometimes would touch husband on genitals.we tried ignoring her and convert attention.it worked but afew days ago she did it again.
now should i believe a 3 year old.or is she lying.how can i know the truth before i do something stupid?

OP posts:
poshwellies · 27/01/2009 14:03

Can I add,My years of abuse started from being 'allowed' to touch my abusers genitals -obviously I had no idea as a toddler that he found it sexual but he felt I was mature enough to have the sexual 'attraction' for him and thus my abuse started.

I was 3

GET HELP NOW.

and if you are trolling-seek medical help.

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 27/01/2009 14:05

I maybe going against every one else here, but I am still not convinced. The op over reacted at the dd touching the dh and the sore gentitals could have been caused in an innocent way as pointed out by other posters and myself. Could she be overeacting at the kiss too?

I have held my 2-3 month old baby up in the air and given her a big sloppy kiss on the mouth before. Quite often actually.

Which is why I am asking what she means by french kiss, obv if he was forcing his tongue in the babies mouth that is very very wrong. But if that is what he was doing why didn't she leave then? Why is still allowing the child to be left unsupervised with him?

I am wondering of the op is maybe very sensative about this because she has been abused by a close family during childhood and has not sought help in the past for this?

whoingodsnameami · 27/01/2009 14:07

And please remember paedophiles dont stand out in a crowd, and they usually gain trust, so dont think its impossible because you trust him or know him so well, when they are caught it usually shocks the people who know them best to the core, get your dd checked now, because if your suspicions are right, you, her mummy is the only one who can help her, being in the position you are.

thecatisdecorating · 27/01/2009 14:07

Perhaps the OP, who does sound young, is not sure what a french kiss is? Or is a bit confused about what a french kiss is?

salsmum · 27/01/2009 14:14

I'M SO SAD TO BE READING THIS BECAUSE I CAN ONLY IMAGINE WHAT A TERRIBLE DILEMMA THIS POOR LADY MUST BE GOING THROUGH. I WOULD RING UP CHILDLINE WHO WILL LISTEN TO WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY...THEY ARE TRAINED PEOPLE MANNING THE PHONES WHO KNOW WHAT TO LOOK OUT FOR...IN CONFIDENCE IF HE HAS ABUSED YOUR DAUGHTER YOU NEED TO GET HIM AWAY FROM HER...IF HE HAS'NT THEN HE MUST BE FEELING ANGRY ETC...SO YOU NEED TO GET PROFFESIONAL [SP] ADVICE ASAP X GOOD LUCK

nappyaddict · 27/01/2009 14:18

when you say french kiss do you mean just a kiss on the mouth or was he using his tongue?

whoingodsnameami · 27/01/2009 14:23

Did you see the whole kiss? was you in the room or did you walk in on it?

Lulumama · 27/01/2009 14:26

i hope the OP comes back to clarify

whoingodsnameami · 27/01/2009 14:27

I hope she is at the gp with her dd.

whoingodsnameami · 27/01/2009 14:28

I did'nt mean that in a funny sarcastic way btw

lovelysongbirdie · 27/01/2009 14:29

please contact nspcc
here

nspcc Help for adults
Help and Advice
0808 800 5000

and I would also take her to the drs.

poshwellies · 27/01/2009 14:30

I hope this isn't a wind up,I really do and OP is at least,getting her daughter examined by her gp.

Lilyloo · 27/01/2009 14:31

2+ years of behaviour that makes you uncomfortable from your dh to your dd needs acting upon.

Regardless of the kiss i would be concerned at what her dd said on going to nursery.

You need to speak to professionals about this to get advice. Please call the NSPCC it is impossible for strangers to advise you how to act on this.

We do not know you or your family but please make that call.

FairLadyRantALot · 27/01/2009 14:33

erm, tbh, if OP means proper french kiss (i.e. the adult way, etc...), than I am she is still together with her dh....

whoingodsnameami · 27/01/2009 14:36

I agree, if you are waiting for someone to say, yes, your dd is being abused, then I'm sorry but no-one here can say that, we can only give our opinion, and the majority of opinion is, alarm bells, that is more than enough IMO to seek proffesional advice.

theresonlyme · 27/01/2009 14:39

Lilyloo - what was the nursery comment?

lovelysongbirdie · 27/01/2009 14:46

nspcc Signs of abuse

Learn how to recognise the signs of child abuse
Children and young people often find it very difficult to talk about the abuse they are experiencing. So adults have a vital role to play in looking out for the possible signs.

Although it is sometimes hard to be 100 per cent certain that a child is being abused, here are some of the signs to watch out for:

? A baby who cries constantly
? A child who is often bruised or injured
? A child who is often very withdrawn
? A child who is often very dirty or smelly
? A child who is often hungry, or under or over-dressed for the time of year
? A child who is often left at home alone
? A child who is often left in unsafe situations, or without medical attention when they need it
? A child who is constantly ?put down?, insulted, sworn at or humiliated
? A child who seems very afraid of particular adults, and reluctant to be alone with them
? A child who has unexplained changeable emotions, such as depression, anxiety or severe aggression
? A child who shows sexual knowledge or behaviour that is inappropriate for their age
? A child who is growing up in a home where there is domestic violence
? A child who is living with parents or carers who are involved in serious drug or alcohol abuse.

In some cases these signs may have an acceptable explanation.

On the other hand, this list does not cover every possibility. You may see other things in the child's behaviour or circumstances that worry you.

The most important thing to remember is that if you have a gut feeling that something is not right, trust your judgement and take action.

It is not true that most child abuse involves strangers. The majority of abuse is by a family member or someone else known to the child. You may only have seen or heard one or two things that concern you, but this could be the tip of the iceberg for the child.

If you think a child is being harmed, it might seem easier to do nothing. But stop for a minute to imagine how lonely and scared the child must feel. You have the potential to make a real difference in that child?s life.

Take action if you are worried that a child is being abused

Here are some of the things that you can do:

? Talk to someone you trust ? a family member, friend or neighbour ? to see if they share your concerns, that way you can support each other and take action together
? Seek advice about your worries from a professional, e.g. a doctor, a teacher, a health visitor or a social worker
? Contact the NSPCC free 24 hour Child Protection Helpline on 0808 800 5000 ? our trained advisers will listen to your worries, whether big or small, and decide what, if anything, needs to happen next. For NSPCC Child Protection Helplines in other languages.
? If you think a child is in immediate danger call the police on 999

What to do if you are worried about the safety of a child NOW

So don?t keep your concerns to yourself, trust your judgement. Abused children need you to act now.

If you are a child or young person you can read more about what is child abuse on the ChildLine website .

What is child abuse?
Child abuse can take four forms, all of which can cause long term damage to a child: Physical abuse, emotional abuse, neglect and child sexual abuse . Bullying and domestic violence are also forms of child abuse .

NSPCC leaflets about Child Protection .

*If you have come to this page from bethefullstop.com - don't forget to go back to your deeds page.

CrushWithEyeliner · 27/01/2009 14:54

onlyme
she repeated again that her father had touched her and made her sore

OP please get your daughter checked by a GP - I would have said this after first OP tbh but if you are for real you need to act on what your DD is telling you. Believe her first - I hate this insinuation that children always lie about this kind of thing. Freud really set back the realisation of child abuse with that nonsense

morethanamum · 27/01/2009 15:11

you are all asking me to reply. i`ll call someone.get her checked and then reply.

OP posts:
Lulumama · 27/01/2009 15:12

please can you clarify the french kissing issue?

nappyaddict · 27/01/2009 15:13

morethanamum - when you say your dd touched your dh's genitals do you mean through his clothes or direct contact?

CrushWithEyeliner · 27/01/2009 15:13

Are you going to take her to the GP? You are doing the right thing. I really hope your Daughter is OK.

SammyK · 27/01/2009 15:17

You are doing the right thing, his behaviour sounds very odd.

The kissing, and his passive reaction to her touching his genitals, most men would not react passively to their daughter doing that!

You have genuine doubts IMO and like you said earlier your daughter comes first.

NoShitSherlock · 27/01/2009 15:18

morethan I am glad you are going to seek professional advice/get her checked out. Good luck and I really hope all the alarm bells are nothing.

Lilyloo · 27/01/2009 15:43

I am glad you are seeking professional help op.