These are so amazingly brilliant. I am reading them now because it is neither breakfast nor lunchtime and they really don't go with food!
Here are mine. I had an ex who:
would wipe his smokers oyster-phlegm-filled nose on my back in bed.
would wipe wee off his willy onto the towels on towel rails in the bathroom and leave them there.
would pee in the bath even if I was in it too.
would cum on anything in other people's houses and wipe it everywhere - sofas, cushions etc.
had tea towels you could smell yards away (even over the constantly overflowing with poo cat litter tray).
Used not to flush the loo. Once I came back from 2 weeks' holiday and he had left my flat just after me 2 weeks ago: the whole flat stank of what he had left in the bog.
His mouth smelt necrotic. He snored through it, always open.
He used to run big hot baths, get in them, not wash, and get out again. He always smelt bad and his hands were visibly grey with dirt and somehow - weird I have never known this of anyone else - they smelt really strongly too.
He ate crap constantly and burped loudly, stinkily and longsufferingly, expecting sympathy for his indigestion, which was solely the result of eating cakes and burgers without pausing.
the day after I had accepted his marriage proposal (WHAT? and cried all night - what was my subconscious trying to tell me?) we went out for coffee and he was stuffing his face with some pastry or other on the way to the coffee place that was 5 minutes down the road (obviously couldn't wait). He turned to say something to me and inhaled a crumb or something and spat a mouthful of chewed food all over my face. All over. I was facially pebble-dashed with crap out of his stinky necrotic mouth. He was offended that I didn't like it.
We did not get married.