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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

so am I...or were they...or was I in the first place...??!!

164 replies

misspollysdolly · 25/01/2009 11:13

I'm annoyed with myself that this is bothering me, but I can't quite get my head around who is being the more unreasonable...me or the 'unnamed, concerned' person...?

Here's the story, on a Friday I have a Toddler/baby music class that I do with the DSs which finishes at 3:30, giving me only a little bit of time to drive across town to pick up DD from school. So I arrive at school with only a few minutes to spare and miraculously there is a space just about as close to school as you can get (although the car is out of sight once you are in the playground waiting). Anyway, DS1 comes in with me, but I opted to leave DS2 (1 year) in his seat in the car. Though it through, surmised I would only be a matter of minutes and as he was happy playing with some toy or other I'd just nip in for DD and out again. Which I did. DS2 fine and danay as we arrived back to the car and off we go home.

On Monday DD's Headteacher rang DH to report that a concern had been raised by another parent that I had left the baby in the car. No particualr point to her phonecall...she just wanted me to be aware that concerns were being expressed by others.

Now I feel and also a bit as I feel I am being judged and judged to have been irresponsible at that, even though I don't really think I was. I normally arrive at school with masses of time to spare as I get so stressed finding somewhere to park, so obviously then , both boys come with me and we all wait in the playground for ages(!). I wouldn't ever leave either of them in the car unless it was a for a very short period of time, that I felt I had a good reason, was relatively nearby and was confident (as you can ever be...) that they were safe.

So am I being unreasonable to have left him in the car in the first place...?

Is the 'unnamed concerned' unreasonable to have commented to the Headteacher...?

AIBU to feel so affronted...?

OP posts:
BoffinMum · 26/01/2009 13:37

Round here someone would have just assumed you were busy and kept and eye on the baby for you. What a tell tale tit to snitch to the HT and not actually do anything to help the baby!

Divineintervention · 26/01/2009 13:42

It's something many of us do but probably shouldn't... I only leave them in the car at a garage.
As for affronted I think you should just think she has a duty to let you know and is pretty kind to do so. It's also pretty healthy that others expressed concern, if unfounded, for your children. It simply means you, unlike may of us, live in a caring community where people notice eachother.
Don't beat yourself up, but don;t do it again!

kitkatqueen · 26/01/2009 14:24

LOL! Chippingin - Try biting both ends off a KitKat or any chocolate coated chocolate bar ( penguins work best if you do opposite corners) and sucking a hot drink though it then quickly before it falls in your lap eat it!!!

Its one of those things you just have to try at least one time ( maybe three).

Pauses while thread readers start raiding the chocolate tin!!

But I have to admit I am the kkq because I have almost broken my addiction. I see em but I don't eat em!!!

Have fun KKQ xx

Bubbaluv · 26/01/2009 14:24

Kiddiz, Maybe he did, but felt it was more useful to explain the reasons why ?

FWIW, I think the OP is NBU. I refuse to live my life in a constant worry about what other people might be thinking. There is no logical reason to think the baby was more at risk in the car than out of the car (crossing the road surely more risky). I wonder what the OP said to the Head Teacher? I would, if I didn't gather my thoughts quickly enough as is highly likely, call back and suggest that the head should consider the motivations of the grasser before passing on these nasty messages. If the person had actually cared about the child then surely it was a bit late to do something about it the next day!? Self-congratulatory righteousness is the only justiication I can think of.

kitkatqueen · 26/01/2009 14:28

Weet, why are you on here under two names?

LOL KKQxxx

thumbwitch · 26/01/2009 14:29

kitkat - wasn't that originally done with Timtams? I remember Natalie Imbruglia demonstrating it on UK tv, I think Graham Norton.

kitkatqueen · 26/01/2009 14:34

No idea Thumbwitch, Yummy Tho'...

Whats a TimTam?

stuffitllama · 26/01/2009 14:36

it's an australian Penguin

Bubbaluv · 26/01/2009 14:38

Yep, It's and Aussie thing and is AMAZING with Tim Tams. And it's Australia Day today, so am going to dig out some Tim Tams and suck away mmmmmmmm

ChippingIn · 26/01/2009 14:38

KKQ - you too huh!! There's a biscuit in NZ called a ChitChat, it's the best for the biscuit as a straw indulgence. These days I have to make do with lesser biscuits (such as Penguins), but I still don't say 'No' LOL

I admire you breaking the addiction

I do well for spells (with regard to healthy eating & exercise) then it all just goes out the window - it's so far out of the bloody window right now I can't even see it with binoculars!

I have noticed several posters saying 'blah blah blah just don't do it again '. I'm sure some are saying it so you can have a 'peaceful life' and others are saying 'so we've told you it's wrong, now be a good girl and don't do it again' well, I disagree regardless of the sentiment behind it, you should do what you feel is right and not just do things to keep all the busy bodies happy - or else where do you draw the line?

kitkatqueen · 26/01/2009 14:38

Ah didn't know. yep that would definatley work!

Oh help the cravings!!!!!!

LOL!!

kkq

kitkatqueen · 26/01/2009 14:40

sh*t ! School run - talk l8r....

dizzydixies · 26/01/2009 16:45

I had my Burns night name and now that Burns day is over I am back to my original name

desertgirl · 26/01/2009 17:29

had a dilemma a couple of weeks ago - was driving, sleepy, stopped at a petrol station and thought I should get a coffee.

Didn't want to leave the kids (2.6 and 1.2) in the car alone, didn't want to wake them up (was mid afternoon but we had been out and both were tired)

so what would you have done?
-skipped coffee
-left kids; or
-woken them and taken them in.

I think next time I will not be making the choice I did...

BoffinMum · 26/01/2009 17:54

I think people have their knickers in a twist here. Honestly, it's a ridiculous situation when parents can't whizz off to get a quick takeout coffee for fear of reprisal or incident. If we all kept a collective eye out for each other in a more positive way, parenting would be so much easier. At the moment so much of this sounds like fears of being caught out or fears of things that have such miniscule levels of risk attached. It is as though we have all lost a sense of perspective.

Statistically speaking, travelling by car is much more dangerous than stranger danger, so how come it is acceptable to drive with children in the car, yet not acceptable to leave them strapped in asleep for a few minutes nearby while you do something reasonable and necessary?

No wonder we parents are so worn out these days.
It makes me very sad.

kitkatqueen · 26/01/2009 22:45

Dizzy dixies - sorry wouldn't have guessed that - I live on the Bootiful bit sticking out on the bottom right LOL!!

TheYearOfTheCat · 26/01/2009 23:04

Part of the reason I feel so strongly about this issue, is that I was accosted and abused by a man in relation to a similar situation when I was 38 weeks pregnant.

The circumstances were that I was heavily pregnant, with pelvic arthropothy, and a 2 yr old who wriggled, kicked and fought every time she was put in the carseat. I physically couldn't handle her, and had a responsibility to my own health and unborn baby. I needed to get milk, so I popped into a corner shop to get some. I was parked in the layby immediately outside the shop, and had the (locked) car in my sight the entire time I was in the shop (max 2 minutes). I had told my DD where I was going and she was completely happy. I knew she was happy, because I could see her, and she could see me - we were pulling funny faces at each other through the window.

When I went back to the car, a huge man came running towards me screaming at me - I seriously thought he was going to assault me. He was shouting how dare you leave a child in a car unattended, and stood between me and the driver's door so I couldn't get into the car. He continued to tower over me and scream in my face.

I felt completely vulnerable and intimidated by this man (remember, I was 38 weeks pregnant). I told him to fuck off, and that it was none of his business, and if he didn't get out of the way I was phoning the police, which I did. (I came across a lot braver than I actually felt at the time). The man told me he was phoning social services and that he had taken photos of my daughter as evidence.

The police were completely supportive of me, and reassured me I had done nothing wrong. They contacted social services on my behalf to see if the man had contacted them (which he had). I spoke with a child protection officer, who again completely reassured me that I had done nothing wrong. Both the police and social services encouraged me to pursue a prosecution against the man for assault. I didn't because I just didn't want any stress, being so close to having a new baby, and I was fearful of having anything more to do with him as I thought that he must be a bit unhinged.

Even as I type this, I am so angry that a random stranger felt he had the right to bully a clearly vulnerable woman, and use 'child welfare' as the weapon. If he was so concerned about child welfare, the man would not have screamed and physically intimidated me in front of my child.

I know this is a really extreme example, but it illustrates how we have become so fearful about raising our children - and in my case, I think the fear is over interfering strangers and the threat of social services, rather than the albeit possible, but mostly unlikely risks of flaming cars, paedos, drunk driving, car stealing thugs, and window smashing police officers.

It is from this background and perspective that I say YANBU.

kitkatqueen · 26/01/2009 23:22

Chippingin, I know where you are coming from, but I think the reason so many people have a problem with this is the "unknown".

When you have your child with you or is in sight you have the potential to avert disasters so as to speak. Admittedly as you have already pointed out there is still no guarrantee of protecting your child even when you are right by them, but you do have a slightly better chance.

The problem is that when someones leave their child out of sight for even 5 minutes they have no way of knowing what is happening to their child. The thing thats making some peoples insides scrunch up is that ultimatley anything could happen and it would happen to the child alone. Somehow that seems worse.

Personally I would hate to think that my child might have been frightened by something and calling for me and yet I didn't come.

I don't consider myself to be neurotic/ precious about my children.

But on the other hand I wouldn't want them to be brought up with the lack of concern for their physical safety or mental wellbeing that I was.

We all make different mistakes to our parents, but our own treatment as children still colours our perceptions and changes the result of our risk assessments.

I found this article quite interesting :
women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/families/article1762734.ece

This website has an interesting section about leaving children alone by the nspcc.

www.rospa.com/safetyeducation/faqs.htm

Personally I think this one is a bit of a minefield!!

thumbwitch · 26/01/2009 23:42

TheYearofTheCat - that is just dreadful! What an awful bully, even if ostensibly he was doing it because he thought he was protecting your older DD.
Although I totally understand your reasons, it would have been good if you had 'got' him for assault as it might have made him think twice about behaving so atrociously over the top to anyone else in your situation - but, as I said, I completely understand why you didn't.

for you - what a traumatic experience!

TheYearOfTheCat · 26/01/2009 23:55

The thing is, it is mostly Mums doing the school runs and the like, and they are easy targets. How many people would say something to a big burly 6'4" man?

ChippingIn · 27/01/2009 00:37

KKQ - The timesonline link didn't work for me. I did go in a do a couple of searches but couldn't find anything relating to this topic. I went to the Rospa site and had a read, but didn't see anything there either.

I agree - it is a minefield and really I think we will all just have to agree to disagree eventually

Personally I think that the LO is safer in her carseat, (and she is perfectly happy & content)in the schools carpark with all the Mums back & forth than she is when we are actually driving (we have some lovely narrow country roads and the M25 as well). Consider the amount of children abducted (in this scenario), cars catching on fire and any other risk you can think of as opposed to the number of car accidents.

I never leave her with food or drink or anything else she could choke on, or do damage to herself with, parents, teachers, etc are walking past the car back and forth (whilst she smiles and waves at them).

It's not like I'm leaving her in the car in the middle of the M25 or in the supermarket carpark for an hour.

How many of the 'I would never do that' posters also never, go out to the garage, shed, washing line, take a shower, have a sleep or anything else that involves a LO being left alone in their cot for 5 minutes? You could argue as many potential hazzards in doing that - housefire, intruder, choking, fretting etc etc

What is the real risk that people are worried about??

thumbwitch · 27/01/2009 01:05

ChippingIn - in asnwer to your last question - I think the real thing that people worry about is the What if? and the If only..

For some people, the minute risk of anything going wrong and them not being there will cause near-paranoid anxiety, for others they will rationalise the risk more.
The If only.. can be such a strong deterrent - if only I hadn't done such and such, then DC would be fine etc., etc.

kitkatqueen · 27/01/2009 01:07

I honestly this its the unknown - will try to find the times online link again 2morow, the bit on the rospa site I felt related most was section on leaving children alone and choice of a place to leave them.

should be in bed c u l8r

PS - u r lucky to be able to park in a car park - we don't have one and there are other issues with some of the parents that colour my judgment big time.

thumbwitch · 27/01/2009 01:14

ChippingIn - have managed to get the times article in a link here if you are interested...

ChippingIn · 27/01/2009 01:39

Thanks thumbwitch. It makes for an interesting read. [My answer to all of them is absolutely-no-way!!]. However, my parents did some of that with me and I wasn't traumatised or abducted (If anyone had taken me they probably would have brought me back again!! ).

What if what though? What are they worrying about - exactly?

TW - you did have to mention TimTams didn't you!!

KKQ (who should be reading this on Tuesday not Monday night (lol))... what are the other issues that colour your judgement?

Another question for all the 'I wouldn't do that' posters is when you get a pay and display ticket for your car, do you take your LO's to the machine or just go by yourself leaving the LO in the car? (Really am curious as to where people draw the line, not just stirring! Honest).

Had a self imposed internet curfew of 11pm tonight... lol, can you see why I can't resist the TimTams!!