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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

so am I...or were they...or was I in the first place...??!!

164 replies

misspollysdolly · 25/01/2009 11:13

I'm annoyed with myself that this is bothering me, but I can't quite get my head around who is being the more unreasonable...me or the 'unnamed, concerned' person...?

Here's the story, on a Friday I have a Toddler/baby music class that I do with the DSs which finishes at 3:30, giving me only a little bit of time to drive across town to pick up DD from school. So I arrive at school with only a few minutes to spare and miraculously there is a space just about as close to school as you can get (although the car is out of sight once you are in the playground waiting). Anyway, DS1 comes in with me, but I opted to leave DS2 (1 year) in his seat in the car. Though it through, surmised I would only be a matter of minutes and as he was happy playing with some toy or other I'd just nip in for DD and out again. Which I did. DS2 fine and danay as we arrived back to the car and off we go home.

On Monday DD's Headteacher rang DH to report that a concern had been raised by another parent that I had left the baby in the car. No particualr point to her phonecall...she just wanted me to be aware that concerns were being expressed by others.

Now I feel and also a bit as I feel I am being judged and judged to have been irresponsible at that, even though I don't really think I was. I normally arrive at school with masses of time to spare as I get so stressed finding somewhere to park, so obviously then , both boys come with me and we all wait in the playground for ages(!). I wouldn't ever leave either of them in the car unless it was a for a very short period of time, that I felt I had a good reason, was relatively nearby and was confident (as you can ever be...) that they were safe.

So am I being unreasonable to have left him in the car in the first place...?

Is the 'unnamed concerned' unreasonable to have commented to the Headteacher...?

AIBU to feel so affronted...?

OP posts:
MrsWeasley · 25/01/2009 12:11

you left a LO in a car where it was out of your sight. Sorry but you were wrong and if it takes a polite phone call to make you realise that then so be it. Would you rather a visit from SS?

Anything could have happened to your LO in the minutes you were away. You may think your LO was safe but you cant possible know what might happen in the time you werent there. They could have been scared by something(dog, car, motorbike) or someone passing, another parent running late might have bumped your car, etc

I remember reading about a family who left their DD in a highchair playing nicely whilst they ppopped into the next room for a minute she wriggles and was found hanging from her highchair strap.

Sorry if that reads a bit harsh!

HappyMummyOfOne · 25/01/2009 12:11

YABU to have left a child in a car you cant see but the head should have phoned you not your DH.

tumtumtetum · 25/01/2009 12:11

I have a friend who often leaves her toddler/baby in the car when she comes to see me. If they are asleep she leaves them there and comes in.

I think it's a bit odd TBH - but it's her children and so up to her. The risk of anything actually happening is minutely small. So I don't think anything off it (beyond it being a bit odd) and assume that she is perfectly happy to do it.

She obviously takes a more relaxed and confident view of things.

I think YANBU and it's no-one elses business. It's not child abuse, is it. It was 2 mins. We are all too paranoid these days.++

naturalbornmum · 25/01/2009 12:15

I also live in a village and IMO that does'nt make it any better or safer.

nowtygaffer · 25/01/2009 12:19

I used to leave my DS on our drive when he fell asleep. As he woke on this particular day I got him out of the car and showed him a helicopter circling above us. I found out the next day that it was a police helicopter searching for a man on the run who subsequently stole two cars at gunpoint and also shot one of the owners. I live in a very middle class semi-rural area. I know this is very extreme but it frightened the living daylights out of me.

MrsWeasley · 25/01/2009 12:27

Sorry but you left him on a "a very narrow, very busy road".

Perhaps in future a phone call to the school to say you may be a few minutes late and find somewhere more suitable to park.

tiggerlovestobounce · 25/01/2009 12:41

YABU.

As you said, you know it was a risky thing to do. The person who phoned didnt know whose car it was or how long the baby had been left for. They might have heard the stories of babies being left in the car too long due to parents forgetting the child was in the car, been involved in an accident etc and been worried by that?

You might be annoyed by what happened, but personally I would much rather live in a community where people notice this sort of thing than one where they dont.

tumtumtetum · 25/01/2009 12:53

Wouldn't it be even nicer if we lived in communities where people knew each other and kept an eye out for each other, so that you could leave your baby in the car for 2 mins.

I still think that YANBU

tiggerlovestobounce · 25/01/2009 12:58

Yes, that would be better. The city I live in is far too big for that to be realistic though.

theresonlyme · 25/01/2009 13:00

You were silly to leave the child in the car without being in sight, but I am sure you know that now.

Thank goodness there are still people in this world who will look out for other people's children.

tumtumtetum · 25/01/2009 13:03

I still think that OP was NBU

StealthPo09IsHere · 25/01/2009 13:11

Personally I wouldn't do this, but I do understand your frustration at getting pulled up about it on the first and only time!
The only thing that occurred to me was that there was some confusion at the school over whether you or the CM picked your DD up. Could they have thought that if the CM did this, you would need to know, otherwise you might never find out?

WallOfSilence · 25/01/2009 13:14

I live in a very small village. And although I work most days now, when I was a SAHM we used to take it in turns to walk each others kids up the path to the carpark, especially to help out those mums who had young babies to take out of the car.

I remember standing at the gates on a soaking wet cold day, with 1 mum who was waiting on her 2 children coming out of school & she turned to me & said that she supposed her year old son was crying in the car as the wait was longer than she expected but she had left home without an umbrella & didn't want him to get wet...I told her to go back to the car & I would bring her children up to her... she was so grateful... but as I say, this is a small village & wel all help each other out.

I have seen mums doing it at our school but to be fair, where we park is a church car park at the back of a primary school and the only people who park there are parents!

wotulookinat · 25/01/2009 13:15

I probably would have done the same thing as the OP, in the circumstances, so YANBU. Chances are, if you had taken the time to get the baby out and into the playground with you, then you would have been criticised for being late and making your school-aged child wait!

fluffles · 25/01/2009 13:20

Psersonally i don't think anybody has been unreasonable. You judged the situation and made a decision, the person who said something had no way of knowing you were only gone a moment, for all they knew that baby could have been in the car for half an hour alone! They said something, HT called you, you could have just said what you've said here that it was a one-off and only happened because it was such a brief period of time that you don't normally do it and certainly not if you're going to be away longer. End of.

DadOnAHotTinRoof · 25/01/2009 13:20

So the emotional response is "oh my god, he could have been stolen! You definitely shouldn't do that."

But seriously - what are the chances? Really? How many one year olds are taken for whatever reason in the UK in a year? They make national news when they are, and I've not seen a story like that in many many years.

The chances of it happening to you if you left your child in a car alone are surely one to many millions against. And if you're so concerned at a chance that small that you're willing to change how you live your life to avoid it, well... I think you'd get a lot more safety mileage out of insisting that all of your family wear full-face crash helmets in the car, and don't drive at above 10 mph.

And I don't see many of you doing that.

beanieb · 25/01/2009 13:24

YANBU. Opinion is always split on this issue but if you assessed the situation and made a decision based upon what you felt was safe then I think you shouldn't take it to heart and just accept that some people will report stuff like that and some won't. Doesn't make you a bad mum.

FairLadyRantALot · 25/01/2009 13:39

YABU...as the car was out of sight and at 1 year old, your little one could have easily gotten upset once you left him.
I think the other person was unreasonable for shopping you!
And I think the Head was also unreasonable

Gosh, you are an unreasonable lot aren't you

I can understand why you did it, BUT....

thehappyprince · 25/01/2009 14:41

To those who think yabu, what exactly might have happened? A car could plough into you at traffic lights, should everyone stop driving with kids? And presumably the door was locked so he was safe. And just imagine all the dangers of actually having him in a school playground!

tiggerlovestobounce · 25/01/2009 14:58

The child might have become distressed.

mymama · 25/01/2009 15:14

Last week I would have said YANBU but today I am going with YABU.

I am in Australia. Last week a mum left her 13 weeker asleep in a car whilst she quickly ran into pay a bill. She was a few metres from the car but unseen. The car was stolen in that few minutes. Frantic search ensued and an Amber alert across televisions/radios etc. Luckily it turned out well. The thief used the mum's mobile to call a number on the phone and left the car in a vacant park with the windows wound down (36 degree heat here).

There was talk of the mum being charged.

LittleMadeline · 25/01/2009 15:16

Prince - yes, you're right, we could all have a car accident etc, but why tempt fate by leaving your child in the car?

I take the line that my kids are not safe unless they are with me at all times. They are just too precious to take the risk with.

stuffitllama · 25/01/2009 15:17

yanbu

this baby in car thing is like paedophile hysteria -- way out of perspective

mymama · 25/01/2009 15:18

story here

Article says mum not to be charged.

nkf · 25/01/2009 15:20

I wouldn't leave a one year old in an out of sight car. It makes me go cold all over just thinking about it. On the other hand, you are less fearful than me by the sounds of it. Personally, I think the woman who reported it probably felt concerned and that she had to. She might have reasoned that she didn't know how long you would be gone for. Not sure what I think about the Head's role in all this. Is it her business? The baby isn't one of her pupils.

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