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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

so am I...or were they...or was I in the first place...??!!

164 replies

misspollysdolly · 25/01/2009 11:13

I'm annoyed with myself that this is bothering me, but I can't quite get my head around who is being the more unreasonable...me or the 'unnamed, concerned' person...?

Here's the story, on a Friday I have a Toddler/baby music class that I do with the DSs which finishes at 3:30, giving me only a little bit of time to drive across town to pick up DD from school. So I arrive at school with only a few minutes to spare and miraculously there is a space just about as close to school as you can get (although the car is out of sight once you are in the playground waiting). Anyway, DS1 comes in with me, but I opted to leave DS2 (1 year) in his seat in the car. Though it through, surmised I would only be a matter of minutes and as he was happy playing with some toy or other I'd just nip in for DD and out again. Which I did. DS2 fine and danay as we arrived back to the car and off we go home.

On Monday DD's Headteacher rang DH to report that a concern had been raised by another parent that I had left the baby in the car. No particualr point to her phonecall...she just wanted me to be aware that concerns were being expressed by others.

Now I feel and also a bit as I feel I am being judged and judged to have been irresponsible at that, even though I don't really think I was. I normally arrive at school with masses of time to spare as I get so stressed finding somewhere to park, so obviously then , both boys come with me and we all wait in the playground for ages(!). I wouldn't ever leave either of them in the car unless it was a for a very short period of time, that I felt I had a good reason, was relatively nearby and was confident (as you can ever be...) that they were safe.

So am I being unreasonable to have left him in the car in the first place...?

Is the 'unnamed concerned' unreasonable to have commented to the Headteacher...?

AIBU to feel so affronted...?

OP posts:
ThumbBurns · 25/01/2009 23:41

I think this has been pretty fully covered in every way but fwiw, I think YANBU - I have left DS in his car seat and run into a shop to pick up one thing before now (and it was NOT a busy shop so I knew I would be gone a maximum of 5 mins, if that) - similar parking scenario, his door opened onto busy main road, more danger in trying to get him out than leaving him there a couple of mins.

I think if your DS had been bawling his head off when you got back, then the person who shopped reported you was doing the right thing. If, otoh, he was quite happy, then whoever it was was being a bit jobsworth (not really appropriate but covers what I mean) but probably did it with the best intentions. Hopefully.

Let it go though - it is one of those things that you can't take back, you just have to ride it out and never do it again in front of the school.

kitkatqueen · 26/01/2009 00:17

Chippingin was not in the report that I read so I stand corrected.

Weet..As for the £10,000 question its not really about what your child is worth to someone else its what your child is worth to you. My children are priceless to me and as such I won't leave them out of sight.

As for subconcious risk assessment - I think we all carry out fairly concious risk assessments every day. The things we have seen, learnt or have had happen to us colour those assessments differently in each of us. I am not a paranoid person by any stretch, but there are things which I just will not do because I know the possiblities exist and don't care really what the percentage chance is. I know that I would not forgive myself.

If you recall this thread is after all AIBU?

and in my opinion the answer is yes. Its not necessary after all, rain doesn't make children melt and everyday someone is late collecting a child - 2 seconds to lift a child out of a car isn't going to make much difference.

If you were looking after a friends child would you leave them in the car?

If not then why would it be ok to leave one of your own?

There are still more people on this thread who think its unreasonable than those who think its reasonable so you're right you are a small group - has anyone tried to confirm the legalities of doing this?

ChippingIn · 26/01/2009 00:27

KKQ just because people are posting one way or another doesn't make either side right (or wrong), just some people are more 'vocal' than others and you always find more of the 'Oh I'd never do that' posts than you will the 'Yes I do it daily' posts - pretty much regardless of the topic - it's human nature

...and... you girl are BAD for my hips - everytime I read your name I want a KitKat Chunkie and just between us (PMSL) I do NOT need bigger hips!!

LightShinesInTheDarkness · 26/01/2009 00:33

In the cold light of day, I would never leave my baby in the car. Nor would I do other potentially risky things - but every now and again we all do things against our better judgement.

But I have left my children briefly in locked cars - it seems that posters on this thread are coming across as 'whiter than white', and quite harsh.

mummythemousekiller · 26/01/2009 00:50

I've only read the first few posts but imo the op is NBU, it is the kind of thing I've done, and would do.

fwiw, I live next to ds's school and on several occasions have left dd2 asleep in her cot while dd1 and I run round, grab ds and run home. I've seen people do the same as the op, and their cars are parked further from the school gates than my front door!

I guess all you can take from this is to watch your back in future and be aware that you need to appear whiter than white.

LightShinesInTheDarkness · 26/01/2009 00:57

I agree with mousekiller - the chances of anything happening to your kid in a short space of time are really small - I think all this talk of cars smashing into yours, kids choking etc is a huge over-reaction.

thumbwitch · 26/01/2009 01:01

my mum used to leave 3 of us in the locked car while she went to see people - we knew we'd be in for a wait if she was invited in and the door closed. I think the longest was about 40 mins.. but we weren't babies, we were children aged around 3 (twins) and 7 - potentially DISASTROUS for a car's interior. I only shifted the gearstick into gear once, I think.

mummythemousekiller · 26/01/2009 01:04

lol thumbwitch

one must always make sure children are throughly tied down before leaving them in a car. preferbly behind a dog guard reminds me though, A larger threat is a child releasing the handbrake and setting the car rolling....

thumbwitch · 26/01/2009 01:09

good point, mousekiller! I believe I tried the handbrake but was unaware at the time of the little button on the front end that needed to be pushed in to make it work, THANKFULLY! It was a very stiff one as well so I doubt even if I HAD known about the little button that I could have moved it.

Mostly I think we posted things into the air vents... and tore bits of the leatherette upholstery that was starting to wear... and pinched the travel sweets out of the tin...

LightShinesInTheDarkness · 26/01/2009 01:10

..and honked the horn...? We did.

mummythemousekiller · 26/01/2009 01:11

you kept out of too much mischief then...

thumbwitch · 26/01/2009 01:20

yep, pretty sure we honked the horn after about 5 mins wait - Mum swore blind she never left us more than 5 mins but honest to God, it was quite a lot longer than that many times! (I had a watch...)

sorrento · 26/01/2009 08:56

Blimey what shettlered childhoods you lot had, my sister and I used to get given a coke and a packet of crisps and then left in the pub car park, goodness know how long for as children.
On a serious note though a Q7 has just been stolen from outside school this morning and our couldn't be on a smaller country lane, they've obviously stolen it to order and been watching because you'd never know it was there.

weetimorousdizzybeastie · 26/01/2009 10:39

am fully aware of legalities of this (in Scotland at least) thank you it NOT illegal to leave your child/ren unattended within you veh for a limited period of time - the police would NOT break into a car where a child was sitting happy/content/sleeping there would have to be some case for distress/danger

any child I look after for a friend I do so under the provision that they will be treated with the same care and consideration I afford my own child

my children are the most precious things in the world to me but I am not precious about them, I keep them as safe as I can without being neurotic

dangfando · 26/01/2009 10:41

So how often do you think cars get stolen with kids in? A quick google search finds one that happened just 11 days ago article here Nice to know the thief cared enough to keep an eye on the kid until it was safe though !

I'm actually trying to find one of those articles published after Madeline about when it is or isn't ok to leave kids. Has anyone found anything about the legal side now? I'm genuinely interested.

Almeida · 26/01/2009 10:45

yanbu - the other parent must have known you were going to get your older child from school. It's strange they reported you to the headteacher. Do you know who it was & why do they want to get you in trouble with the school?

dizzydixies · 26/01/2009 10:56

dangfando please see my post at 10:39 re the legalities

as I've said I only know about Scotland though

dizzydixies · 26/01/2009 11:06

and as for your link to the Edinburgh case the owner of the veh who left his sons right outside the BAR that he owned also left HIS KEYS IN THE IGNITION?!?!?!?

he may as well hung a sign on his shiney new BMW X5 saying steal me

why oh why would you leave a high performance veh with the keys in the ignition and your child in the back outside a fecking BAR!?!?!?

this, once again is HUGELY different to someone leave her child for a few moments to nip into the school

no comparison in my eyes, sorry

dangfando · 26/01/2009 12:16

I know, what kind of prize prat leaves their keys in the ignition! Still it's not like cars don't get stolen when they don't have keys left in them is it?

And is it better to leave the car locked so it (and the child) doesn't get stolen, or unlocked in case there's some kind of accident and someone needs to get the child out? I seem to remember reading somewhere you shouldn't leave them locked in, in case they need rescuing, but then the car could get nicked. I mean you wouldn't leave a car unattended and unlocked without a child in it.

kiddiz · 26/01/2009 12:17

"I was at the petrol station and saw a woman letting her DS put the perol in and a man that works there came out and told her that the DS shouldn't be using the pump just in case and petrol splurts out into his eyes and also as he was at the same height as the patrol tank there was a risk of him breathing in the fumes and causing damage to his lungs." The man who works there should also have known that it is actually illegal for anyone under 16 to use a petrol pump.

poshwellies · 26/01/2009 12:48

My ex left my daughter (not of toddler age)in the car when he went to pay for petrol on a motorway service station.

Somehow there was a handbrake failure and as the petrol station had slight incline,the car rolled back across the forecourt (and naturally gained speed) and ended up ploughing across a busy carpark-thankfully no lorries or cars were pulling in at the time,but she ended up crashing into a parked car,but wasn't seriously hurt.It could of been a very different story though..

Accidents do happen

OrmIrian · 26/01/2009 12:59

YANBU. I've done that when DS#2 was asleep. Not ideal perhaps but at the time it seemed like the best solution. Now if the 'concerned' person was truly concerned about the welfare of your baby they would have hung around until you got back (thus reassuring themselves that you hadn't disappeared for the entire day, to make sure instead of thinking 'OMG! That child might get distressed, hurt, hit be freak meteorite, adbucted by alients! I must go and tell someone not in the slightest involved with this child so that I can feel good about myself'.

You are not a crap mother.

posieflump · 26/01/2009 13:04

my dh left 2 yr old dd asleep in the car for 5 minutes yesterday while he went into a village hall to tell me and ds that he was waiting in the carpark with her.
Then he went back to the car and waited with her until we came
How mnay of you on here wouldn't do that?!!

BalloonSlayer · 26/01/2009 13:27

As Sorrento said, the mother who reported you to the Head could have, if she was so bloody concerned, waited by the car until you got back, and said something like "Oh I had to wait, I hate seeing babies left in cars, you hear such awful stories in the news."

But she wasn't concerned about your child enough to wait by the car (if she had you would have seen her, she would have seen you). Just "concerned" enough to try to cause trouble for you, it seems to me.

I have often waited around if I have seen a toddler who appears to be unattended in a shop or somewhere, until I have worked out that the mother has seen him/her and is in pursuit. I have often been at how many parents seem oblivious to their little ones wandering off, but we're none of us perfect. I wouldn't dream of saying they should take more care.

The only time I have been concerned about small children left in a parked car for a minute or two was the two tinies left in an open-top one I saw once. Boy did I feel agitated.

dizzydixies · 26/01/2009 13:29

posie according to this thread quite a lot but not me

I personally think the OP wasn't unreasonable and that those 'well meaning' nosey people were a tad off

accidents will happen, thats absolutely true but accidents are by their nature just that ACCIDENTS that you cannot prevent regardless - all these people could have had similar accidents whilst driving/been hi-jacked at cross roads etc etc

we could go on but I suppose some people find it acceptable in the grand scheme of things and others don't

no need for judgement on your parenting skills misspollysdolly - its nobody's business but your own and if the UK Police Force deen it safe enough to not consider it illegal then who are we to suggest otherwise - IMO