Because I sooooooo dont think I am !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! dh is a tosser!!!

[mosschops30]

I went to do the weekly shop today, it normally costs us £50-£60 a week. We only needed 2 main meals for this week because we are away, but didnt shop this week so needed to stock up on basics like yoghurts, tins etc.

When I came home dh asked how much I'd spent and then saw some Vaseline Intensive Care I had bought (£2.70) and started moaning about the cost and said:

'Shouldnt you be buying stuff like that yourself now youre working, I dont see why you should put it in with the weekly shopping' ??????

So after some heated words and me giving him £3 in temper to cover cost of said cream, hes now gone out in a strop.

So AIBU???

he sounds very childish and needy to me. If my dp or dh had said something liek that to me about £2.70, and especially if it was more or less a one of I would feel humiliated.

But why doesn't it seem right mrsruffallo? Why does it matter to you? I could say that it 'doesn't seem right' for women to have no independent money of their own, or for wives not to contribute financially to the family (NB I'm NOT saying that this applies to you, obviously!) - but that would be going a bit far in this debate, I reckon.

If people are happy with their arrangement (and clearly the OP isn't - or shouldn't be!), then why does it matter what outsiders thing?

what outsiders think, I mean.

If you don't want to hear what outsiders think, don't post on MN
Esp AIBU

I don't care - this isn't my thread! I was just trying to understand why you said 'it doesn't seem right'. I could understand 'it's not how I choose to do things', or 'it seems a bit of a faff' - but I don't get why it isn't 'right'. So I guess I was inviting you to explain a further. That's all, mrs ruffallo!

He really is calling all the shots, isn't he? He packed his bags and moved out because you queried his ability to get DIY done within a certain timescale? !! I'd never see my DH if that was the case.

He says you don't need to talk
He says he had got all he needed to out of Relate
He says you spend too much on hand cream
I could go on . . . . It's all about what he wants. He is behaving like a very unattractive spoilt child, and he bullies you every time he doesn't like something.

It sounds like something really needs to change. It also sounds like it is going to be very difficult to change him, judging by your previous experience with Relate (and why would he want to change? He gets everything he wants).

So it seems that the only thing you really have control of is how you react to his behaviour. I'm no expert, but I'm sure some of the links can offer good advise. Don't expect it to be easy though - he will be very resistant to any change to the status quo.

What's wrong with pooling resources.I know couples that lend each other money? strange

Lending each other money, now that really is weird. I have no idea how that would work. Hope DH never asks for a loan from me...

YANBU- I am surprised that he hasn't worked out that it is a partnership with shared resources.

Mosschops, in the past when my DH and I have reached stalemate with regards to trying to resolve a massive argument (not that we have many - just a humdinger once every few years!), I've ended up putting everything I feel down in a letter and just giving it to him to read through and take in. Sometimes he's come straight to me to talk things through in reply, or sometimes he's replied in a letter HE'S written and we take the talking from there.

Sometimes you just hate the way the other person is behaving so much you just can't stand to talk to them face to face.

I totally agree with the other posts on here - his behaviour sounds generally appalling and childish. HOw about putting what you're unhappy with down in a letter, and emphasise how miserable it is making you, and how fed up you are but temper that with positive things eg that you love him and want to try and resolve things and make things better. If he is a real man, he will come back to you to sort things out. If he is a childish bully he won't as he won't see that he's done anything wrong. And then you can make your plans from there (if he doesn't want to change how he's behaving, I wouldn't want to stay with him to be honest, but obviously everyone has different limits)>

Best of luck in resolving it all!

I don't think it's weird to have separate accounts or lend each other money.

Dh has a steady job and income, my income is variable depending on whether I can get work or not. We take out the household money and savings money from his wages and then the rest is his to spend as he likes. When I get wages, they are saved, and my spending money is the tips from my waitressing job.

He pays for all the everyday stuff and bills, and my money is used for big purchases and extra food or stuff we might need. I lend him money when I have it, and I've paid off his credit card before. Why shouldn't I get that back?

Sorry to butt in, but this thread really reminded me of aspects of my marriage, which is now over. XDH was incredibly generous when it suited him but also staggeringly mean and petty about how things were paid for. And yes, I am now a single mother struggling to make ends meet but I am glad I'm not being controlled like that any more.

What also struck a chord was the sulk your DH has gone into, Mosschops. That stubborn refusal to back down, storming off and neglecting to feed the DCs (how unbelievably selfish, childish and 'me me me' is that?) that prompts you to back down and offer the peacemaking cup of tea. He may think he has a point (whether we think he's unreasonable or not!) about money, but he's behaving like a sulky child to get you to see it. A relationship can't work like that - you have to be able to talk about it like adults.

It's much easier for me to see all this in hindsight, of course. When I was in it I just wanted to rant and rave. After we split up a read a brilliant book called Emotional Blackmail which showed me how other couples have dealt with similar problems in their relationships. It was too late to go back then (and as somebody else said earlier, a little bit of me died every time we had this kind of row so that eventually the love faded to a very thin sliver that couldn't be revived) but I wished I'd read it when I was in the middle of all that and found ways of getting to a position where we could both make our point like adults. It's by Susan Forward, and the subtitle is 'When the people in your life use fear, obligation and guilt to manipulate you'. It might help just to read it and get some perspective.

Good luck, I really feel for you. And just because my marriage ended, that doesn't mean I'm assuming yours is headed that way. Mine had a lot of other problems too! I just wanted to get across that there are ways through this.

Mossy, honestly this is not about money anymore. The anger I would feel at his behaviour would eat away at my insides. Of course read some self-help books to pick up survival tips, but have you not already been to relate? Do you really think he has it in him to change? If not, it is you that will have to face the fact that he is very difficult to live with. Do you want to remain in a relationship like this? If so will you be able to remain ok yourself?

Moss I agree it really isn't about money. I really think he feels very very threatened about your career progression and he is NOT happy and this is one of the ways he is trying to remain in control of the relationship/you.

I hope you find a way to work through it with him.