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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Because I sooooooo dont think I am !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! dh is a tosser!!!

165 replies

mosschops30 · 24/01/2009 16:45

I went to do the weekly shop today, it normally costs us £50-£60 a week. We only needed 2 main meals for this week because we are away, but didnt shop this week so needed to stock up on basics like yoghurts, tins etc.

When I came home dh asked how much I'd spent and then saw some Vaseline Intensive Care I had bought (£2.70) and started moaning about the cost and said:

'Shouldnt you be buying stuff like that yourself now youre working, I dont see why you should put it in with the weekly shopping' ??????

So after some heated words and me giving him £3 in temper to cover cost of said cream, hes now gone out in a strop.

So AIBU???

OP posts:
tumtumtetum · 24/01/2009 17:05

loobey I must admit that while I have a totally joint account now I also have savings separate from DH.

I trust him entirely BUT when my dad left my mum with no warning and cleared all the accounts out it was a shock.

For me personally I like to feel I have some stashed away - it makes me feel secure. DH doesn't mind of course and has his own savings - if he wanted all the money pooled apart from being inefficient (ISAs etc) i would wonder why...

Doodle2U · 24/01/2009 17:05

Sorry mosschops, hope you don't mind me saying, but that's the most arse about tit arrangement with regards to money within marriage EVER!

Pool both salaries and give yourselves an equal allowance if you must but blimey, can neither of you be trusted to not take the piss out of a shared pot?

loobeylou · 24/01/2009 17:06

ROFL tinsel!!

purepurple · 24/01/2009 17:06

we have a joint account and both our wages goes in and all the bills come out, I buy what I need and so does he, we make joint decsisions on big things. We both trust each other

tumtumtetum · 24/01/2009 17:07

tinseltot

theresonlyme · 24/01/2009 17:09

Not at all, CT. The reason is when I used the joint account I never knew how much I had left and DH didn't know what I had spent. I had an amount I could spend on the kids, me and the house and then I could get the food shopping in. DH never knew how much I had spent and I never knew how much there was left in the account.

Now, DH gives me a certain amount every month and I use that for food, diesel and anything the kids need or I want. I then know how much I have and can decide what I can afford.

MegSophandEmma · 24/01/2009 17:09

ExH kicked off once because he found the receipt for a bra that cost £5.00 (my boobs were reducing in size after having DD2) the main issue he had, was that I didn't tell him about it PMSL!! It led to our divorce. Seriously a huge factor was how controlling he was over money.

izyboy · 24/01/2009 17:09

Oh god not bum fun again!

MegSophandEmma · 24/01/2009 17:10

So defintetly YANBU!!!!

ConnorTraceptive · 24/01/2009 17:13

I see theresonly me, more of an agreement on what you can afford to spend each month?

theresonlyme · 24/01/2009 17:18

He has worked out how much is left after all the bills and gives me 95% of it.

SniffyHock · 24/01/2009 17:18

DH and I have always had a joint account plus our own. This is because when we first lived together he earned far more than me but I wanted to make an equal contribution. We both used to put a third of our salary in the joint account then had the rest left over in personal accounts.
Now I don't work, we keep the arrangement but I get a monthly allowance put into my account. This doesn't bother me as I do the majority of childcare, cleaning etc so that is my 'pay'. (It helps that it is a standing order so I don't have to go begging!)
There would be no issue if I got something from the joint account. (providing we can afford it.)

mamas12 · 24/01/2009 17:25

Yes say he needs to do the shopping and cooking and dealing with dcs needs from now on ask him his permission for every SINGLE thing you need to buy including tampons telling him the average usage for example so he is able to work out how many to buy each month. Absolve yourself from every financial decision and then wait to see how long it takes for him to get it. oo Also ask him if boiling the potatos or steaming them would be more cost effective re: bills because that will be next won't it. And maybe you could share bathwater (after you get out first) Yada yada yada you get me?

mankymummy · 24/01/2009 17:25

tell him to do the weekly shop himself if he isnt happy. tight fisted sod.

BouncingTartan · 24/01/2009 17:28

No YANBU - he is being incredibly petty!

CarGirl · 24/01/2009 17:41

YANBU unless he wants to do all the washing up etc and everything else that wrecks your hands so you don't need cream anymore.

I really don't get marriages where it's not seen as joint money with trust to be sensible in it.

If your dh earns twice as much how come all the bills are halved, if you paid a 3rd of everything including childcare and shopping would you better off?

tumtumtetum · 24/01/2009 17:42

Tell him the vaseline is for him to grease his wallet with - as he appears to be having trouble opening it

dittany · 24/01/2009 17:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheCrackFox · 24/01/2009 17:48

YANBU.

You sound like students sharing a flat. Who does the most childcare/housework? Perhaps you could bill him for that?

tumtumtetum · 24/01/2009 17:49

Sometimes (more often these days i suspect) it is the other way round though.

Two of my friends have DHs who are so hopeless with money that all their wages are paid into an account in the wife's name and the wife lets him have some pocket money if he asks nicely!

One gets paid cash every Friday and he has to come home immediately and hand it over.

Mind you those arrangements have arisen out of the men being crap and spending all their money on beer and fags rather than food in the first place so maybe that's another thread about rubbish men...

eekamoose · 24/01/2009 17:49

YANBU. He is indeed a tosser. How embarrassing to be so mean. Does he make you pay for your own tampons/towels etc?

Sparkletastic · 24/01/2009 17:51

DH and I met, moved in and married very quickly. This might sound demented but something that immediately attracted me to him was his attitude towards money. He has always earned more than me - private sector and full-time as opposed to me in public sector part-time - but we just have one account for everything. He tends to manage the money but there are no allowances or his / mine - it is all ours. We do not begrudge each-other anything as long as it roughly works out even, and it always does. Don't be made to feel in the wrong OP - petty reason for an argument but a bluddy serious issue at the root of it which needs to be sorted.

tumtumtetum · 24/01/2009 17:54

I suppose it's horses for courses really - each to their own and each situation is different - and as long as you're happy with what you do then fine...

BUT the OP's DH sounds like a total arse and that's where she should shove the bloody vaseline (his not hers!).

wannaBe · 24/01/2009 18:01

I've never got this he pays for x and I pay for y and this is his and that's mine culture. I know of couples who borrow money from each other and I just can't get my head around it - tbh I couldn't live like it.

Op - isn't yours the dh who booked a night out with the lads the day you passed your degree because he didn't think it was worth celebrating? or something like that...

mumeeee · 24/01/2009 18:04

We have a joint account that both our wages go into. But I also have a housekeeping account that is fed by the main account. I use that to buy all our weekly household stuff eg food and toietries. DH never asks what I spend and does not judge me.
I would sit doen and talk to your DH about finances.

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