Because I sooooooo dont think I am !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! dh is a tosser!!!

[mosschops30]

I went to do the weekly shop today, it normally costs us £50-£60 a week. We only needed 2 main meals for this week because we are away, but didnt shop this week so needed to stock up on basics like yoghurts, tins etc.

When I came home dh asked how much I'd spent and then saw some Vaseline Intensive Care I had bought (£2.70) and started moaning about the cost and said:

'Shouldnt you be buying stuff like that yourself now youre working, I dont see why you should put it in with the weekly shopping' ??????

So after some heated words and me giving him £3 in temper to cover cost of said cream, hes now gone out in a strop.

So AIBU???

MC,your children will observe the communication and the vibe and potentially assume that is how couples behave.if he cant tone it down for each other can he for the children?

i am sure you are no angel,but be careful not to excuse his behaviour by erroneously attributing to your behaviour "he wouldn't be so cross if i wasn't such a cow...i wound him up". subtle ways of you internalising responsibility for his actions

should I make him a cup of tea and take it upstairs and try and talk?

(damn thats me giving in again!)

One boyfriend gave me everything I wanted materially.

Then he hit me.

Bye bye.

Yep been there too, but I can say one thing for dh, he has never, and would never ever raise his hand to me.

Oh, I wasn't meaning he would. I was trying to make the point that material things mean squat if you are miserable but I am sure you know that.

dont take this as a criticism,but hell we cant tell you whether or not to take him tea

have a good think,what do you want
are you appeasing him,cup of tea,keep the peace

I just think it would give the right impression rather than barging in saying 'weve got to talk'

thanks

will probably be back on here in 20 minutes

Give him the tea, ask him how he is and if he wants to chat. Don't say talk, that always puts their backs up.

Being the bigger person is sometimes necessary and if it fixes things, what does it matter really?

you need to talk,yes.habitual stand-off and huffs only make it more hard to address stuff

please take note of dittanys suggestions mosschops she is wisewoman. Also why don't you google 'the wheel of power and control' see if it gives you the lightbulb flash it gave me.

So I went up and offered tea, which he said no to.
The I said we need to chat, he said we didnt.

Anyway here I am feeling like Ive overeacted to it all because according to him I look at things in too much depth, he's pissed off and why cant I accept that, he says Im controlling not him, he says the comment was about the general price of the shop not the individual items, he says I use too much psycho babble bulshit and why cant I see things as they are.

There we are no further forward

so what do you think of his response?
what next?what do you want
will he contiunue to ignore until you cajole him around?

yes he will, and im fucking angry and I told him his behaviour and the way he makes me feel is unacceptable.

I give up!!! Off for a relax in the bath now

Only skimmed thread, but he reminds me of my ex who would ask me to pay half if I shared his chips (and yes we lived together, thank god we didn't have kids together and note he is now ex)

You do need to talk, and since you are both earning I think you need a joint account for food, bills, mortgage and all joint/household expenses, and into it you pay proportionally according to your salaries so that you are both left with a reasonably similar amount of your own disposable income. We do this and as DP earns a lot more (I work p/t) he pays in a lot more, but we are both left with our own spending money. That is only fair and reasonable, because although I work less, I spend the other days caring for DS and that is something we would have to pay for otherwise, IYSWIM.

However having said that, when I do the food shop (on joint account) I do throw in the odd bubble bath, magazine or whatever for me. Because sometimes I go to the corner shop for some milk or a bottle of wine and I use my own cash because it's handy... or sometimes I'm ordering myself an item of clothing online and I throw in something for DS, which should strictly speaking be on the household budget but I can't be arsed to do two separate orders - so it's all give and take isn't it? He needs to see that. Making you feel like shit over some hand cream is not on.

I really donot understand married people talking in terms of separate money. It baffles me. Don't you contract to share all that you have with your husband when you marry? I think you are right to be hacked off with Dh. If you share children then it becomes even more absurd. Marriage is supposed to be a joint venture isn't it?

MC,your circumstances with dh sound intolerable.calling you controlling classic projection

he has you internalising his excuses no wonder you sound ambivalent

but essentially change will occur when you feel confident/able to act or maybe just reach end of your tether.the recognition and volition has to be your's. of course you will receive advice but the impetus for action has to come from you

i hope things don't deteriorate
actually hope you can find some peace

Only tightwads have seperate accounts-why doesn't all the money go in one pot?
I think you must be a little bit stingy too

with all due respect this has nothing to do with money and everything to do with control and exerting power

the money is a smokescreen,an excuse
if it hadn't been that it would have been something else most likely

It's not quite as simple as 'only tightwads' having separate accounts! Talk about generalisations! It would be tight-waddish behaviour, I think, for couples to keep careful account of exactly how much each person spends and who 'owes' more. (And I think 'unreasonable' doesn't even begin to do justice to the sheer vileness of the OP's DH's behaviour.)

Fine to pool everything if that's what works for you. But do recognise that other people can make other systems work equally well - such as having a household account that mortgage, bills, childcare, etc come out of, and maintaining individual accounts that pay for other things. I don't want or need to know how much my DH spends when he goes out with his mates; he doesn't need to know the exact permutations of my handbag-habit. And we both like being able to announce that we're taking the other out to dinner, or buying each other presents that don't show up on a joint statement.

Doesn't seem right to me