Because I sooooooo dont think I am !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! dh is a tosser!!!

[mosschops30]

I went to do the weekly shop today, it normally costs us £50-£60 a week. We only needed 2 main meals for this week because we are away, but didnt shop this week so needed to stock up on basics like yoghurts, tins etc.

When I came home dh asked how much I'd spent and then saw some Vaseline Intensive Care I had bought (£2.70) and started moaning about the cost and said:

'Shouldnt you be buying stuff like that yourself now youre working, I dont see why you should put it in with the weekly shopping' ??????

So after some heated words and me giving him £3 in temper to cover cost of said cream, hes now gone out in a strop.

So AIBU???

we have joint account for all food,bills,nursery etc.individual accounts for own money

i cannot believe that he would think that was ok, how can you bear a man who begrudges you some body cream?????

you are either a partnership, or you're not

good lord, how petty, what would happen if you bought some new shoes???

Am getting worried for you now mosschops. You do need to sit down and discuss re doing the finances because it is the start of controlling behaviour towards you. If only I could have recognised it for what it was earlier in my marriage I would've been a lot happier but I eventually got it and got out after 17 years. Think really hard and ask him how far this policing your spending is going to go, or how far you will allow it go.

Wow lots of things to think about there!! Yes wannabe the very same man who neither celebrated my dissertation pass or my final degree mark!!! And then said that he was planning something but in view of my attitude (demanding and spoilt) he wasnt going to do anything.

In all fairness he doesnt squander his money away on stuff for him, neither of us have much (if anything) left at the end of the month, but we are comfortable and dont want for much. He bought me a car whilst I was training (although the loan has now been passed to me, but that was the agreement).

He does little to no housework but does do the 'manly' stuff as I call it like the garden and taking out the bins and fixing stuff. The childcare is fairly equal.

He has come back now, with no word of an apology and I want one because I honestly dont see what was my fault in this scenario, apart from maybe flying off the handle but I think it was justified, I didnt want to let the comment pass.

if this is something that rears its head a lot.. how are you going to resolve things, or will you keep going in circles? he sounds very much as though he is in control. he is always right, and he won;t acknowledge hurt feelings, whch would be v v frustrating. nor does he acknowledge your acievements.

not good IMO

This is your husband?
can't believe you owed your husband money!
his money is your money and your money is his.... surely?

Sounds odd to me but a lot of couples do this and are fine with it.

However, OP does not seem happy with it - and so needs to talk to him.

The loan for a car is pretty steep. Would he have to pay petrol if he borrowed it? If it is ever used to transport DC does he pay for that portion of MOT, petrol etc?

lulumama, no he never recognises when he's hurt me, and will NEVER EVER apologise, it ends up being me, even when I dont think Im in the wrong.

tumtum not sure what you mean about the car loan, he bought me a car that I wanted and paid for it for 2 years, now I am working I am paying off the remainder of the car loan

mosschops I think I have read your posts about your dh before and tbh he reminds me so much of my h who was and is a controlling arse. Some of the stuff you have said about him has been totally replicated in my home. Wasn't he a bit arsey about celebrating your graduation or something?

I really really don't get it

Dh and I have been together for 18 years and even when we were a young copuple dating, before we lived together when we went out we put our money and fags together and that was that.

We have one bank account, I am a sahm to 5 children and dh's wages and the tax credits go into the bank.

Whatever's left we spend on the kids or ourselves or each other

Its our money and I personally couldn't be with someone so selfish

yanbu, but as for the issues raised about all the money going into the same pot thing... hmm I'm not sure.

2/3 of our salaries go into our joint account for mortgage, bills, food and stuff for dd and we have separate accounts for our stuff. Dh bought a snowboard once and boots, I'm sorry but he can fund that himself!!

Same as i pay for my own yoga weekends, if I want stuff like make-up and beauty products then I should earn the money to pay for it.

I do get shower gel and deodorant with the weekly shop tho....

dittany he did that a lot when I was on a bursary, sometimes if we argued he would go out and know that I had no money to go to sainsburys or for dinner money etc.
Unfortunately he doesnt have that power now and I am earning reasonably good money.

He also used to say I didnt have a 'proper job' when I was doing my nurse training, it was a running theme. He has tried it since Ive been working too (I work 3 12.5 hour days so am full time) and he'll say 'you fanny around for 3 days a week' blah blah blah.

Im painting a terrible picture here, in his defence he is a good husband who provides for his family, rarely goes out drinking, doesnt piss our money up the wall. He always pays if we go out with friends, or have a meal or a takeaway, and always takes the spending money for holidays (although for the last 3 years my mother has paid for the holiday itself!)

Fleur yes thats right and I was very hurt about it.

Minx I agree with you, dh has bought a £500 camera and various other pieces of shit lately and he funds it himself. Likewise I like my retreats and spa's and products and I pay for that myself, i think thats right.

Just that normally a large purchase like that, which one of the couple needed, would be a joint purchase anyway. So if I didn't have a car and needed one (or even if I just wanted one) then we would buy it with joint money.

What I was getting at is how come you have to pay for the whole car (bar 2 years), especially if it is being used for "joint" things like DC transport, weekly shop etc. Or even if you just use it for work, the work brings money into the family, so the family should pay for it.

Do you see what i mean (sorry not very easy to explain what I mean!).

tumtum, dh has his own car which he uses for work/picking kids up/popping to shop etc.

I had a perfectly decent car but dh knew I wanted this one so offered to pay for it for 2 years until I could afford it. Sorry if I made it sound different

Well yes I do think its a waste, seeing as he goes through these phases (fishing = new rods, gear, clothing, days out, endless magazines with ugly men holding fish on the front) then (shooting = gun, days out, magazines with ugly men holding gun) now its the photography, which has included a new camera £500, a course £140, books, magazines etc and possibly a new lens which costs the same as said camera.

But like I said, his money his choice, but no I dont ever have £500 to spend on myself in one go

mosschops I suppose I just have a different set-up where more things are "ours". So we both have a car which we refer to as our cars, but the money for petrol, MOT etc etc is all joint money. It's difficult to imagine a different set-up.

Minx your theory is all well and good but what happens when on mat leave/going part-time/SAHM? Should women who aren't earning their own money not be allowed to have treats?

Not having a go it just gets on my nerves when one person in a couple earns loads and the other earns less/nothing yet things are split down the middle. BTW I have often been the higher earner and so have always been the one paying more but that's fair so that's that...

totally agree with dittany's last post

surely part of the reason he can piss £1000s up the wall on his hobbies is because he makes it unpleasant for you to spend even small amounts?

he does not ever apologise if he hurst you, does not take your studying or job seriously and is mean with money.. these are quite big issues in a marriage

so what do I do about it. I cant go and talk to him, he has made it perfectly clear he doesnt want to talk (been up in the bedroom since he came back) and we will just end up arguing and I just cant be arsed with it. He has already thrown something very nasty at me tonight.
If past episodes are anything to go by, he will ignore me for as long as he sees fit and then gradually start making conversation along the lines of 'want a cup of tea' etc.

ah sally, I bet you saw this thread and new it was me. Its like fecking groundhog day

p.s. I got interviews for both the jobs I applied for