Because I sooooooo dont think I am !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! dh is a tosser!!!

[mosschops30]

I went to do the weekly shop today, it normally costs us £50-£60 a week. We only needed 2 main meals for this week because we are away, but didnt shop this week so needed to stock up on basics like yoghurts, tins etc.

When I came home dh asked how much I'd spent and then saw some Vaseline Intensive Care I had bought (£2.70) and started moaning about the cost and said:

'Shouldnt you be buying stuff like that yourself now youre working, I dont see why you should put it in with the weekly shopping' ??????

So after some heated words and me giving him £3 in temper to cover cost of said cream, hes now gone out in a strop.

So AIBU???

knew what a fuckwit I am lol

It is a nasty cycle and needs breaking, maybe you need to set aside an evening to talk and get to the root of things.
he might think making a cup of tea for you after hours of silence is enough of an apologu, but you don;t

he sounds v v v childish

tbh i hated not earning when i was on mat leave. we have our own accounts plus a joint account for bills, mortgage and food. when i wasn't earning i had to use the joint acc for everything i.e petrol, spending money etc and i hated it!

i like having my own separate money! i work p/t now and so dh pays all the bills, mortgage and for the food and i pay for the nursery. then whatever we each have left over in our own accounts is just that, our own.

i couldn't imagine just having one big pot of money. it's bad enough i don't contribute more to the household finances like i used to but i feel so much better now that i'm earning again.

dh never had a problem with me using "his" money for anything i needed when i wasn't earning as he sees it as "our" money. i definitely see it as "yours and mine"!

oh, and yanbu!

I'm getting frustrated reading all of this.

Mosschops, bottom line - he's using you. He's using passive aggressive sulking and thrombies to control you.

He's relying on your proven track record of crumbling and accepting his way as the only way.

He's treating you like a second class citizen, not an equal or the mother of his children.

You need a stratergy to make him wake up and smell the coffee (I'm hoping after this thread that you have no woken up and are, indeed, drinking your coffee!).

I'm not skilled enough in the negotiation/diplomatic department to offer a stratergy - I just know you need one. If this was me, my DH's arse would be through the door by now with my foot print branded across his cheeks!

MC is your dh threatened by your achievement's?these money issue are they enduring or recent

what do you want to do
how would you like this to resolve

Only skimmed thread but I think he's being mean, both in monetary terms and nature

ExP earned 3x as much as me. I worked reduced hours around school hours and he suggested to me one day that as I spent more time in the house than him during the week I shoud pay more towards the electricity, gas, etc

And then looked bewildered when I told him to Eff off - pah!

Sorry but your DH doesn't seem to have much respect for you

Scottish has a very relevant point. What do you want to change or happen?. When you know then you can inform him. Why don't you go out to a friends or somewhere tonight and ignore him for while you are thinking, why stay in a house to be ignored It's horrible I know. Pick up the phone and ring a freind or just go out in the car for a drive.

I do think that he feels he has no control over me (and why should he), I am pretty strong willed, stubborn, do my own thing when it suits me, but I dont think I take the piss.
I suppose the money thing has been going on since I started my training, it was never like this before despite me only earning half what I do now!.
I dont think anything is worrying him, I know his job is unstable but thats not it, no matter, if he was that worries why go and buy yourself an 18k car, a camera and flat screen tv (although we all have use of that and love it!).

We rarely talk without arguing, we are very similar in temprement, I cant talk to him now because all I want is for him to see he is unreasonable and apologise and I dont think thats going to happen any time soon, if ever. And I bet he wont go to London next weekend just to make a point!

Agree with scottish as well.

You need to think about what you actually want and then talk to him when you are both in a good mood ie not now or when he is sulking or you are feeling put out.

There are many different ways of managing family finances here on this thread and everyone agrees that he is being a tightwad and an arse, and possibly controlling which is even worse.

Think about how you would think it would be fair - try not to factor in the likelihood of what he will say yes to - but what is fair and what you actually want. Then ask him to sit down and have a talk when you are both in a good mood.

MC,how would you like this to resolve?or are you resigned to dh in a huff?lets face he wont offer an apology.

overall,weighing it all up are you happy together?despite few obvious blips.or is this symptomatic of a deeper malaise?

doesnt work with mine, he thinks Im just giving him psycho-babble

yes, the marriage is fine in all other areas, we are happy and have two lovely children but I just wish we could argue(which is completely normal) then make up and say sorry.

What do you want from being on here other than everyone agreeing with you, we can't tell him for you, unfortunately you are living with him. Sounds as thoough you need support to tell him explain him in rl. Does he take you seriously? Do you think he will change the financial status quo? Are you scared to broach this?

ok - have only got through half the thread so far, but had to post. I am soeechless!! He spent £500 on a camera and he is begrudging you £2.70 for some Vaseline!!!

Choke

from dh: (another male viewpoint)

"that's terrible" "I don't this separate money thing - they are married"

My ex-h once told me I should have asked his permission before spending £10. I posted on here after and got a lot of indignant replies as well. Even his mum agreeing it was awful made no difference, he was adamant.

Oh my god what a skinflint! He sounds a complete charmer...

We have an agreement that we will discuss if we want to buy something that costs more than £100, and I'm sure if one of us started getting through the cash like nobody's business we would have to have a talk.

It hasn't come up though...

£10 is a joke as is the behaviour of the OP's DH.

What is it with these people?

I agree with the posters who say this is a very fundamental issue for your marriage (the money control, not the Vaseleine).

It is incredibly unfair that he clearly has so much more disposable income than you do, and it is obviously a display of power that he is making a big deal over such a small purchase.

Personally, all our money goes into a joint pot, and we spend as required. We discuss big purchases, but otherwise it is not an issue. I really don't understand the my money / your money attitude. However if you are both certain you want to retain some financial independence to be able to spend on froo froos without consulting the other, (and tbh, given the obvious cracks in your marriage at the moment, maybe it's not a bad idea) the fairer way would be to each have an equal amount of personal disposable income, with the remainder going to joint household finances. FWIW I would consider the purchase of a car, a joint expense, regardless of whether you didn't need a new one at the time.

It sounds from your posts that you want to continue in your marriage, but that you want some specific areas to change - if I understand right, the big areas are:
Money
The way he handles conflict - (lack of apologies, extended sulking)
Lack of support & recognition for your career

Have you considered going to Relate? It's not just for couples on the brink of divorce, and they can probably offer some good advice. It sounds as though these issues could end up getting bigger & bigger if left unresolved. (Just don't let him badger you into paying for the Relate sessions )

In terms of tonight & tomorrow, don't let him think he's annoying you. Don't hang around to be ignored - go out and enjoy yourself (or at least pretend to). When things calm down, breezily say 'Actually, I'm really glad you brought it up, I've been thinking for a while that we need to review our financial arrangements'