Because I sooooooo dont think I am !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! dh is a tosser!!!

[mosschops30]

I went to do the weekly shop today, it normally costs us £50-£60 a week. We only needed 2 main meals for this week because we are away, but didnt shop this week so needed to stock up on basics like yoghurts, tins etc.

When I came home dh asked how much I'd spent and then saw some Vaseline Intensive Care I had bought (£2.70) and started moaning about the cost and said:

'Shouldnt you be buying stuff like that yourself now youre working, I dont see why you should put it in with the weekly shopping' ??????

So after some heated words and me giving him £3 in temper to cover cost of said cream, hes now gone out in a strop.

So AIBU???

Yes, he's being a tosser. I earn almost twice as much as DP and we pay our bills on a pro rata basis. I pay the lion's share of all the monthly bills and he pays for all the food/shopping and various other things. We don't and never have had a joint account.

What's left over at the end of the month is ours and neither questions the other on how we spend it. He has never, ever contributed directly to our joint mortgage, every payment for the last 21 years has come out of my account, but then I've never paid the council tax, car loan, insurance or road tax. It's still half his house, just as it's half my car. I couldn't manage without his input to those other bills just as he couldn't manage without mine. It's our way of pooling our resources in what seems to be the fairest way and it works for us.

So as far as the shopping goes he pays for all my toiletries, tampax, razors and face wipes. It goes in the trolley with everything else. He even pays for the odd George clothing item! The expensive stuff like my clothes, posh cosmetics, hairdos and nails I pay for myself.

If I was in the OP's shoes I'd tell him to fuck off and stop being a miserly dickhead, but that's me and I'm fortunate to be in a very different position. Don't the tossers realise that when they act like this that every time they kill off a little bit of the love and respect we have for them? If the behaviour doesn't improve the cumulative effect can be devastating to a marriage. Who would want to make love to a man who counts every penny to the nth degree and begrudges his wife some moisturiser?

Then again it's not just men, I work with a woman (like me she earns a lot more than her DH) who told us the other day that she has worked out that she has already paid her half of the mortgage so has made her DH have the direct debit from his account from now on

Miserliness is one of the most unattractive human traits I can think of.

And its always the most surprising people who turn out to be mean. Often they have a lot of money .

That's probably why they're rich eekamoose.

The richest people are always tight IME.

especially when it comes to things like taxes

Morning all, I am certainly not scared of him, or in awe of him really. I respect him as a person in that he has been a good husband, works hard etc.

We still havent spoken, I went out with a friend this morning for coffee and gym session, came back and now he's gone out, he hadnt fed the children lunch despite it being 1.30pm , he stayed in bed all morning until I went out at 11.15.

Whoever said that each time something like this happens you lose a bit of respect and love and it chips away at your relationship. Its happened to me in previous relationships when people have pissed me off and you take it for so long then one little thing tips you over the edge and they dont get that its a cumulation of stuff thats happened.

Yes the major issues are (now) money, his reaction to conflict certainly and has always been a problem for some years, i think his lack of recognition for my achievements is something I have to learn to live with

YANBU that would drive me potty.Must admit i also dont get the his money/my money thing with married couples.

so overall some things do irk (money,and communication style esp around disputes) but you can live with it?

no respect for your achievements,you say dh does not acknowledge your degree or hard graft to get it.calls a professional job with literally dealing with life or death situations "fannying around"

so what now?put it all on back burner until next argy bargy?do you still plan to retaliate by not going to london with him on his birthday

sorry,maybe you both play games.both using different strategies and techniques,but games none the less

never good to retaliate for a deed by withdrawing/declining to participate to prove your point

only you genuinely know whether you are prepared to live like this as a couple,and whether you attribute this down to up's and down's couples have.you have also defended his corner say he is a good dad

I've just read the entire thread Every time he does this, it will erode a bit more love and respect (I know I'm stating the obvious). Mosschops, my dh is exactly the same, although I'm nowhere near as understanding as you are. That's not a thinly veiled criticism, btw. I really hope you find some way of resolving this.

YABU - subjecting yourself to crap like this!!

I don't know how you do it, there's no way I could be with someone like that.

I would absolutely tell him to do the shopping himself (as someone else suggested) if he is going to be this petty - let him waste his time and energy on it.

Mosschops - I well remember your dh being a total git when you got your degree. He has a real problem with not being the centre of the universe, doesn't he?

sorry posted a bit quickly there! There's some good advice on here. Really hope it can help you out.

dittany I do think it matters which is why I havent tried to make amends this time like I normally do (although I imagine it will be me eventually). I really want him to think about what he said although I fear he is just pottering round thinking about what an unreasonable cow I am!

I dont know what Im going to do about London, I didnt mean to use it against him it was just angry retaliation in the heat of the moment (although he has done the same to me countless times).

So what is everyone suggesting, that I should ask him to leave/get a divorce/ruin my childrens lives? On the whole I think we have a good marriage apart from these issues and IMHO issues like sexual/mental/physical abuse, being unfaithful, lying etc are far worse than these traits that he has. Maybe Im being naiive and in denial, what do you think?

BTW I made dinner for everyone tonight , he didnt sit in the living room with me, but at the table with the kids, he didnt say thanks, but did clear up

with all due respect MC our suggestions are immaterial,what do you want to do.no one is suggesting you do as we say -you need to consider your options.what is tolerable and palatable for you

I dont know I dont want to end up a single parent struggling to make ends meet every month.
But neither do I want to put up with this behaviour the rest of my whole life

Will he talk to you and listen if he knows how serious you are about things changing?

can anyone mediate?what about relate?can you get any couple tine away from children try have frank discussion

the avoidance and atmosphere must be causing you lots of stress

the fact you feel compelled to post is indicative something isn't right.as much as posters can empathise,or make suggestion only you and dh can address ths.not just you-both of you

I dont think he will talk to me at the moment no, and a part of me doesnt want to be the one making the first move again.

I havent mentioned this but last week he packed his bags and left (because I said I bet he wouldnt paint the kitchen within 6 weeks) until I asked him to come back and stop being so stupid which he did, but again I apologised for my ill-advised comment and he did not apologise for shouting 'who the fuck do you think youre talking to', which he knows I hate and we have talked about that before

seems like he knows he can do what he wants and get away with it

I dont fear being on my own, I was on my own with dd for a while before I met dh. I do fear struggling though and not having the things I have now (I know that sounds shallow).

We tried Relate before, we only went to 5 sessions before he decided to call it a day saying he'd learnt all he could from it and wouldnt go again.

This is doing me some good I think, seeing things from an outside point of view.

will look at that website now, thanks

I know and last time he said it i told him would be the last its either 'who the fuck do you think you are' or 'who the fuck do you think youre talking to' which I really really hate. This was in front of the kids too

I will say that I am not an easy person to love with and he's put up with it the longest lol!! I am demanding, high maintenance, selfish at times, but I suppose we all have faults. Even my darling mother says no-one else will put up with me!

But I do really love him, although I know he doesnt think that, maybe thats part of the reason for his behaviour.
Im not with him for money if thats what you mean, when we got together I was engaged to someone who was loaded but I was desparately unhappy. Dh then was earning a normal wage (less than we do now anyway). Only in the last few years has his wages gone up significantly