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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to take my younger dd to a party that eldest is invited to?

149 replies

babymt · 19/01/2009 14:53

This is basically another party etiquette question.

My recently 4 year old dd started at a new nursery in September. Since then shes attended one party and going to another one on friday.

I took my 2 year old with me to the first party. It was a swimming party and I didn't realise I was supposed to go in swimming with her as first swimming party we've attended. We decided that dh would take dd2 swimming whilst I supervised dd1 at the swimming party. I was a bit when the party host didn't invited my dd2 to the party because 7 kids had pulled out that she'd paid for so you'd think she would've said "oh just bring your dd2 into the party area" because she did have younger kids there. So thought it a bit weird but now wondering if its bad etiquette to bring another non specifically invited child to a party? Also totally understand its up to the parent whether to not invite other kids on the spot or before hand. Its just not what I would've done.

So dd1 has got this other party to attend on friday, this time at a hall for 2 hours on friday. I was planning on taking dd2 with me because I don't have easily accesable childcare. But now I've thought about it (prompted by other similar threads) dd2 will no doubt want to join in. So should I a. not take her or b. ask if its ok or c. stop her joining in whilst there unless host says its ok?

I think that party boy has a sister almost same age as my dd2 but not entirely sure as 2 kids with same name in her class!

Sorry if this seems like a load of stupid questions but I feel a bit out of my depth re parties/school/making friends. Dd1 didn't have a party for her 4th birthday and therefore didn't invite school friends but had we done so I would've said siblings welcome just let me know how many are attending.

Now just had another thought that maybe I'm supposed to dump dd1 there and pick her up at 5. How do I know about that???

OP posts:

Twims · 19/01/2009 14:55

YABU She hasn't been invited, just drop dd1 of and pick up later.

littlerach · 19/01/2009 14:56

I would ask the parent really.

I have been in both circumstances and it is hard. With dd1 I wouldn't have been happy leaving her at 4, but may not have had anyone ot have dd2 who would have been 1 ish.

Is there another parent that you know who could either have dd2, or look after dd1 at the party?

Overmydeadbody · 19/01/2009 14:57

YABU if you don't ask the parent first. Why not just drop off your DD and then pick her up after the party? Parents aren't generally meant to stay for the duration of the party.

PheasantPlucker · 19/01/2009 14:58

Maybe you need to check with the host mum beforehand. For myself, I would be peeved if people just pitched up with various additions. I would rather be asked in advance. Is this party at home or out somewhere? - if at a venue they could have number limits.

Maybe call the child's parents and ask?

StewieGriffinsMom · 19/01/2009 14:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

mumto2andnomore · 19/01/2009 14:58

Personally I do find it annoying if people just turn up with younger siblings and expect them to join in. If you really need to take her you should ask the organiser and see what they say. At 4 I only left my children if i knew the parent fairly well, now he is 5 we all drop and run ! Again best to ask.

Original poster

babymt · 19/01/2009 14:58

I wouldn't be happy with leaving her there tbh. Not sure why coz I guess its not much different to school but shes one of those kids who just needs a gentle (or not so gentle LOL) push to get her participating at times.

OP posts:

ANamesANameForAThatsTaken · 19/01/2009 14:58

I think you're supposed to just leave your child at the party tbh. However, at that age it can be tricky, because sometimes children are very shy or attached to their parents etc etc etc.

When mine were small, if the party was in a soft play area I would take the younger one and pay for her, seeing as it's a public place anyway and that was never a problem.

However, with regard to the swimming party I assume it was held at the week-end and people who throw kids parties at the week-end really expect other kids to be looked after by the other parent at home sorry.

PheasantPlucker · 19/01/2009 14:58

Simultaneous posts!

seeker · 19/01/2009 14:59

I'm afraid YABU. What if you had 4 other children - would you expect them to be invited to the party too? And I do think it's a bit mean to turn up - it does make it very hard for the other mother to say "no".

I wouldn't say "siblings welcome" if I were you. You might end up paying for double the number of children you're budgetting for. And anyway, I think children are entitled to have THEIR party with THEIR frineds without little ones getting in the way.

MmeLindt · 19/01/2009 15:00

It is hard for the little ones but they have to accept that their older sibling is invited to the party and not them. I know that a 2yo is not going to understand that so I would leave her at home or with friends.

Thunderduck · 19/01/2009 15:00

YABU. She wasn't invited so there's no reason why she should join in.

GrapefruitMoon · 19/01/2009 15:01

I'm afraid that it's not really the done thing to bring other siblings along - unless they've been specifically included. obv somewhere public like soft play, etc you are free to bring them in (as long as you pay for them and don't expect a party bag or to eat any of the party food).

If you really think your dd won't stay on her own, is there another mum she knows well who is staying and keep an eye on her? If not, then you could ask if it is ok for dd2 to stay but don't just turn up without asking first...

Original poster

babymt · 19/01/2009 15:01

I don't know the mother. I do have a phone number and an email. Never got a reply to an email I sent and don't want her to feel oblieged to say yes by me ringing her. Can't ask in person as not sure which one of 2 boys birthdays it is!

Is it really the norm to leave 4 year olds? Especially considering this boy is one of the eldest in the year and alot of the others are only 3.5

Oh and don't know another parent to look after dd2 but could find something to do with her if needed to. I do have another parent in the class who must have similar problem though so will ask her what shes doing.

OP posts:

Snowstorm · 19/01/2009 15:02

Just the child who's name is on the invitation is invited. It's rude to pitch up with another child, irrespective of the party type, age of birthday child's siblings etc. etc.

Re. party coming up at the hall, I'd check with the host parent whether it's a drop off party or not. If it is a drop off then leave your DD1 there and take your DD2 for a coffee/shopping/home/whatever. If it isn't then try and find someone who'll take your DD2 for the duration ... or ask another parent to keep an eye on your child.

Original poster

babymt · 19/01/2009 15:04

Really glad I thought to ask as so many of you saying IBU to take dd2 with me! I really don't want to get this sort of thing wrong.

OP posts:

StewieGriffinsMom · 19/01/2009 15:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

naturalbornmum · 19/01/2009 15:06

You can't just expect your other child to be invited because there is a free slot - that is just cheeky.

I think because the party is in a private venue you would be cheeky to just turn up with an extra child - even more so if you expect her to be fed.

I have only just started leaving my DD at some parties (if I feel happy) and she is 7, however some people leave their DC from 4 years.

If you have no choice to but to take your other DC then check that it is ok with host before doing so but explain you will take a lunchbag for uninvited DC with you.

Original poster

babymt · 19/01/2009 15:07

I would never expect a party bag or food or anything for dd2!

Would like to say that at swimming party there were about 3 other non invited young siblings present. None as old as my dd tho. But as pointed out it is a public place.

OP posts:

ANamesANameForAThatsTaken · 19/01/2009 15:09

How do you know they were'nt invited?

stealthsquiggle · 19/01/2009 15:09

OP - what 'the norm' is wrt leaving them and bringing younger siblings seems to vary hugely by area/school/class - but the overall answer is to ask.

So IIWY I would call the mother in question and say something along the lines of 'Sorry, but I have no childcare - would you rather I brought DD2 or found someone else to bring DD1?'

Personally I have no issue with younger siblings coming unless it is something where you pay per child IIYSWIM - I expect younger siblings to come to DS's parties, but to stay with parent and not to join in / eat tea until or unless invited to do so.

naturalbornmum · 19/01/2009 15:11

I think wether it is the done thing to leave your DC at a party or not is irrelevant - your child - your choice.

Original poster

babymt · 19/01/2009 15:12

ANamesANameForAThatsTaken - because they didn't go in the pool or eat the food. But were with parents who dropped kids off and didn't go swimming with them but were there for food afterwards. If that makes sense?

OP posts:

ANamesANameForAThatsTaken · 19/01/2009 15:14

i thought you said a parent had to go in the pool with the children - sorry, I'm confused.

Original poster

babymt · 19/01/2009 15:15

I assume if you are staying with invited child that it'd be ok to have baby with you? Am pregnant with no3. At what age is it frowned upon? I would guess at walking/wanting to get involved age. My dd2 is 2.4

OP posts:

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