to take my younger dd to a party that eldest is invited to?

[babymt]

This is basically another party etiquette question.

My recently 4 year old dd started at a new nursery in September. Since then shes attended one party and going to another one on friday.

I took my 2 year old with me to the first party. It was a swimming party and I didn't realise I was supposed to go in swimming with her as first swimming party we've attended. We decided that dh would take dd2 swimming whilst I supervised dd1 at the swimming party. I was a bit when the party host didn't invited my dd2 to the party because 7 kids had pulled out that she'd paid for so you'd think she would've said "oh just bring your dd2 into the party area" because she did have younger kids there. So thought it a bit weird but now wondering if its bad etiquette to bring another non specifically invited child to a party? Also totally understand its up to the parent whether to not invite other kids on the spot or before hand. Its just not what I would've done.

So dd1 has got this other party to attend on friday, this time at a hall for 2 hours on friday. I was planning on taking dd2 with me because I don't have easily accesable childcare. But now I've thought about it (prompted by other similar threads) dd2 will no doubt want to join in. So should I a. not take her or b. ask if its ok or c. stop her joining in whilst there unless host says its ok?

I think that party boy has a sister almost same age as my dd2 but not entirely sure as 2 kids with same name in her class!

Sorry if this seems like a load of stupid questions but I feel a bit out of my depth re parties/school/making friends. Dd1 didn't have a party for her 4th birthday and therefore didn't invite school friends but had we done so I would've said siblings welcome just let me know how many are attending.

Now just had another thought that maybe I'm supposed to dump dd1 there and pick her up at 5. How do I know about that???

Of course its not OK to turn up with another child. What a bizarre idea?

Also it never once crossed my mind to throw a proper party inviting preschool friends for dd1's 4th birthday until after the event and the other invites started rolling in. Had she not been the eldest in the year I might've got a heads up by other invites and I could've done a proper party for her. Its been bugging me that other parents think I've shunned the party idea or something.

It's best to only take the invited dc and not the siblings too to parties where possible but hey you weren't to know that!

We've all wondered what the done thing is the first few times; I know I have and still do every time dd1 does something new.

When children are little they take a few minutes to 'warm up' into party mode when they arrive and seem shy at first. I've noticed mine join in and enjoy it more if I'm not around actually, otherwise they just hide behind me. Or at least they used to when they were 4 as I recall.

People won't think you've shunned the party idea - not everyone has them and invites the whole class - it is a huge hassle!

babymt - seriously, anyone who is thinking that has way too much time on their hands - parties or lack of them as well as the attitude to parents staying, younger siblings coming, etc, etc are personal choices.

GKS - 5 still seems too young to me to leave, and I'm not being pfb honest! Have two youinger dc's as well so quite hardened and battle scarred .

babymt, rest assured the other parents are not keeping tabs on your party-throwing!or if they are they need to get a life!

Def agree with stealth

We have had everything from big flash whole class parties to tea for a couple of kids and some people doing stuff just withtheir families or not at all. Its personal choice

And TBH other people probably won't even have noticed !

It doesn't help that I think the party culture at this nursery/preschool is a bit "keeping up with the jones'" as its a private school and they are in the year before reception where all will be attending. There are 18 children in dd1's year.

Thanks to everyones whos basically not said "you are really stupid of course you don't". For those who did say that...honestly I didn't know!

bettyturnip - I suppose it depends on what you're doing - for our last one we invited the whole class and had all the parents stayed they would have been really in the way.

As it was one person brought her mil and two extra dcs and they all ate the food and joined in - arrgh...

friend of mine was shunned by lots of "friends" when she specified "no siblings please" on her party invites for her daughters 6th birthday. because everyone knew she had 2 younger ones herself, why should it be assumed if its at someones home its OK to bring extra kids, who will want feeding, will expect party bags, and will contribute to the general mess and mayhem! You could have double the number you expected! Bf'd babes under a year or so is another matter, but a whole hoarde of uninvited toddlers is a no no unless you ask the hostess.

Am surprised so many of you are saying parties for 4/5 yos are mostly drop and run. We have only had a couple of kids left at DDs 4th, 5th parties, then after 6 when we have known all the parents at school a while its differnt. Could not believe one parent dropped off a 5 yr old in the car park outsid the village hall without even seeing them in on one occassion!!

i think mostly its drop and run round my way because most people have older dcs who need looking after and not younger ones - that might be just my school though.

And I suppose if its a long journey and you're in the middle of nowhere then its not worth your while going home etc

The thing I always dreaded about toddler's parties was the parents staying. I'd be totally self-conscious and stressed, which wasn't conducive to an enjoyable party.

It's okay if they help a bit and are friendly, but it's often just an excuse to sit on their arses chatting and ignoring the hostess whose tea they're drinking.

Much happier now I can do the cinema/pizza/sleepover type thing with the older ones.

Although I'm so socially phobic I even dread the dropping off and picking up at my 7 year old's!

And then I've done the 'right' thing and left DS2 at home while taking his big sis to a party where the younger sibling is his friend, only to find hoards of siblings there and the mum says, oh I meant to phone you, you could have brought DS2 spent the next 2 hours gnashing my teeth.

I think you need to ask. At our school it's generally been accepted that younger siblings turning up at parties is fine when the children are too young to be just left. I didn't leave DSs at parties alone until they were comfortable with the idea, which was more like YR1 than Nursery. Most Nursery/Reception age parties we went to catered for parents staying, and I'd get nagged if I didn't take DS2 and then DD, but maybe that was just us

I think any of my 4 would have been mortified if I'd wanted to stay at a party with them when they were 4 !.Swimming parties would be different of course as round here you usually have to be in the water with the child ( these parties usually fall to Dads as the Mums don't want to be seen in their swimmies).I don't see why anyone would think its OK to take a sibling to a party ,except if it is in a public place in which case the parents should pay the entrance fee and not expect tea or a party bag.

Have only skimmed this but would summarise party etiquette as follows (from my experience of 3dc going through the various stages of party-going):

At 4 you could leave them but in no way assumed and would check with mum first. It wouldn't be seen as weird to stay when your child is 4. By 5/6 it is getting assumed you will leave them and you could come across as over-protective if you would not leave your dd. But up to you in the end.

If party is at weekend it is assumed you will leave other kid(s) with other parent if there is one and only bring invited child. If you bring extra kids to soft play you have to pay for them and food etc. Also they will not go into party area unless specifically asked during the party.

During the week you may have to bring extras but you should check with mum first. She may wish to prepare an extra party bag but I always tell my dcs not to expect one if they wer not invited and it is a bonus if they get one.

Personally I would prefer parents to be around until age 4 otherwise I spend the whole party helping take kids to the toilet etc. Once they've been at school for a while I'm happy for kids to be left with me.

YABU. It is rude to bring uninvited siblings to a party. Your 4 year old does not need you to stay.

No, never assume siblings are invited unless specifically stated, to turn up with them would be rude

If you don't feel comfortable leaving your 4yo and don't have anyone to mind your 2yo, would be good form to ring the party child's parents and explain, asking if they would mind

Some 4yos can be left, some can't (mine would freak out, so I have to stay when - believe me _ I would far rather be playing with dd2 in the park or - more likely - running errands)

I ring the mother and explain the situation, bring dd2 - 19 months with me - but keep her away from the main action (if she's obviously not welcome) and bring some food for her

I think at pre-school age it's a bit daft excluding siblings etc, at my dd1's nursery some bring siblings some don't and no one seems to care (so long as permission is asked in advance). Beyond age 5, I can see it being more of an issue. Think those of you acting as if to bring a sibling is like burping in front of the queen are being a bit u.

OP I feel for you. It is a social minefield out there where parties are concerned, just trying to figure it out myself as the parties are getting more frequent now (2 this weekend!)

We live in a rural area where parties tend to be fairly laidback, thank goodness. We don't have party bag or entertainer competitions and it's far nicer for it imo.

One party we went to was for a 5 yr old, ds is only 3 and in the nursery section of his school class. All children seemed to have a parent with them throughout the party, lots of younger siblings were there too. We were talking about it and concluded that year 1 (aged 6ish) was probably when children started to go to parties alone. Younger siblings have seemed welcome at any party I've been to, and we usually get both boys named on the invite but I would probably ask/arrange childcare if I wasn't sure.

Good luck! I think someone should publish a manual for these kind of things.

I've been stung so many times by parents bringing younger siblings unannounced - and it's cost me a fortune at £10 per head!

If they'd asked in advance, at least I would have been better prepared financially!

So I think you were being a bit unreasonable, as you should have asked in advance.

Ive ended up with toddlers / siblings we dont know several times and i wasnt best pleased. At home this causes issues with numbers and its stressfull, for pre booked partys the same.
I wouldnt do it and to be honest i wouldnt even ask.

I am a bad bad person. Because if anyone did that to me I would absoloutely tell them that the sibling could not stay.

Probably a terrible admission but I really would. It is a party not a fucking creche.

I am horrible

Pagwatch,

No one should have the cheek to leave an uninvited sibling with you. Or to bring a sibling over the age of say, 5. Or bring any sibling without asking in advance, Or expect said sibling to participate in tea and have a party bag.

But to get all guest listy about a 4yo's birthday party is ridiculous, imo