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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to take my younger dd to a party that eldest is invited to?

149 replies

babymt · 19/01/2009 14:53

This is basically another party etiquette question.

My recently 4 year old dd started at a new nursery in September. Since then shes attended one party and going to another one on friday.

I took my 2 year old with me to the first party. It was a swimming party and I didn't realise I was supposed to go in swimming with her as first swimming party we've attended. We decided that dh would take dd2 swimming whilst I supervised dd1 at the swimming party. I was a bit when the party host didn't invited my dd2 to the party because 7 kids had pulled out that she'd paid for so you'd think she would've said "oh just bring your dd2 into the party area" because she did have younger kids there. So thought it a bit weird but now wondering if its bad etiquette to bring another non specifically invited child to a party? Also totally understand its up to the parent whether to not invite other kids on the spot or before hand. Its just not what I would've done.

So dd1 has got this other party to attend on friday, this time at a hall for 2 hours on friday. I was planning on taking dd2 with me because I don't have easily accesable childcare. But now I've thought about it (prompted by other similar threads) dd2 will no doubt want to join in. So should I a. not take her or b. ask if its ok or c. stop her joining in whilst there unless host says its ok?

I think that party boy has a sister almost same age as my dd2 but not entirely sure as 2 kids with same name in her class!

Sorry if this seems like a load of stupid questions but I feel a bit out of my depth re parties/school/making friends. Dd1 didn't have a party for her 4th birthday and therefore didn't invite school friends but had we done so I would've said siblings welcome just let me know how many are attending.

Now just had another thought that maybe I'm supposed to dump dd1 there and pick her up at 5. How do I know about that???

OP posts:

Original poster

babymt · 19/01/2009 15:17

Parents were supposed to go in pool. Most did. Those with siblings apparently pre-arranged that host would look after older kids.

Its a minefield!!!! How is one supposed to just KNOW all this stuff?? Like how was I supposed to know that parents were supposed to be going swimming? Telepathy?

OP posts:

jelliebelly · 19/01/2009 15:18

YABU unless you ask the host first

stealthsquiggle · 19/01/2009 15:19

I agree - walking/wanting to be involved is the difficult age. Babies are fine IMO.

CrushWithEyeliner · 19/01/2009 15:22

YABU - you must ask.
Very basic manners.

ANamesANameForAThatsTaken · 19/01/2009 15:22

you need to get yourself in the playground chatting to all the other mums to find out what's going on. - make a few mum friends

Original poster

babymt · 19/01/2009 15:33

I'm not very sociable. Can you tell?

I really do hate all this school/friends crap. If it were up to me I'd be politely smiling at other mums in playground and thats it. No parties, coffee mornings, nights out, pally pally bollocks.

Found a last resort babysitter just now. And will ask my mum. Poor dd2 would love a party.

OP posts:

stealthsquiggle · 19/01/2009 15:36

Call first - the host parent might be of the 'more the merrier' viewpoint.

ANamesANameForAThatsTaken · 19/01/2009 15:37

"I'm not very sociable"

tough - if you want your kids to get on at school, be popular, well-behaved,blah blah blah you're gonna have to socialise.

Like we have to - I wouldn't say boo to a goose before I had kids. Now I've got a gob on me like Bette Middler.

I do know how you feel about the 2 year old. You really feel bad for them. She'll have her turn in a year or two though, it's just a really awkward phase to have to work through.

SniffyHock · 19/01/2009 15:44

I have had this before and I just phone the host, explain that I haven't got anyone to look after DD so ask would she prefer me to leave DS at the party and pick him up later or bring DD with me.
This gives a choice as I have heard Mums complain when young (4) children are just left.
We went to a soft play party on Sunday - when the children went for food I ordered a lunch box for DD - was planning on staying out of the party room with her but the host Mum told me to bring her food in. I think that the main thing is to show that you are aware you can't just add another child to a party with no consideration.

RubyRioja · 19/01/2009 15:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

babymt · 19/01/2009 15:47

If I had a pound for everytime someones said that to me I'd be minted!! Can't I just be pleasent and have a bit of a chit chat but not attend all the shit gatherings the class parent president (or whatever official title shes got) has arranged?

I don't understand why we have to change so much just because we've had kids? My lifes changed enough without me changing my unsocial habits.

Sorry thats a bit OT but it just irks me. I don't wanna change. I'm happy being a miserable not-so-old bugger.

OP posts:

stealthsquiggle · 19/01/2009 15:49

"the main thing is to show that you are aware you can't just add another child to a party with no consideration" - you have hit the nail on the head, SniffyHock - the only younger sibling who annoys me (and other mothers) is the one who gets brought to every party (when mother deigns to attend - she never replies ) without checking, is completely uncontrolled (i.e. a PITA) and is allowed to join in with / disrupt games, tea, etc.

squeaver · 19/01/2009 15:50

Right first off, I think the swimming party was an odd one. Never heard of such a thing for a 4 year old - way too much responsibility and organisation if you ask me. So don't judge all your other experiences by that one.

Second, 4th birthday parties seem to be the point where parents do start to drop and go (completely different from 3rd birthday parties where most parents stay, ime).

Parents do stay if they have a lo who is unhappy/nervous about being left on their own. In those circs, if there is also a younger sibling it's generally accepted that it's ok for the younger one to stay too (of course it is). This, of course, is if no other childcare options are available (e.g. it's Saturday and dh is at home watching football). But a courtesy call in advance is usually expected (of course it is - there are catering implications).

I would say it is not acceptable to simply turn up with your younger one and expect them to be included. And, yes, the age where they're walking around, joining in etc is where all of the above comes into play.

As for "poor dd2 would have loved a party". She'll be going to plenty of parties in the future, don't worry.

I would hope none of this is "a minefield". It's all basic good manners and common-sense.

HTH

Original poster

babymt · 19/01/2009 15:51

RubyRioja I wouldn't leave my 4 year old swimming "alone" either. Although she does have swimming lessons at nursery but thats a bit different I think. At party I stood on the side and watched and if needed I would've jumped in with my clothes on. Far too nervy re water having had a near drowning incident with her anyway. Most of the kids didn't have arm bands on either. Surprised the host wanted the responsibility of other peoples children.

OP posts:

stealthsquiggle · 19/01/2009 15:53

Babymt - yes you can 'just be pleasent and have a bit of a chit chat but not attend all the shit gatherings the class parent president (or whatever official title shes got) has arranged' - once you are established and know a few people well enough to be able to (for example) send them a text saying (as it were) 'are we expected to go in the pool at Saturday's party, do you know?' - it's getting to that point which is hard work, then you can relax (until your DC move schools and you have to start all over again )

Original poster

babymt · 19/01/2009 15:54

squeaver maybe I haven't got basic good manners or common sense after all then! Although at least its crossed my mind now. I'm now wondering how many other social faux pas's I've committed now!

OP posts:

ANamesANameForAThatsTaken · 19/01/2009 15:55

I agree a swimming party for 4 year olds is most unsuitable. I for one would never take the responsibility for other peoples 4 year olds in water but there you go, not everyones' as sensible as us MNttrs.

You don't have to join the PTA to be sociable LOL. One way to break the ice next time you get an invitation is to go up to the mum and ask them was there anything in particular their child would like as a gift. Or would they like you to bring anything for the party. Something like that.

tinseltot · 19/01/2009 16:02

YABU.

When faced with a moral dilema i find it is often helpful to ask myself 'what would happen if everyone did what i propose to do?' This usually answers it for you.

It is not fair to pitch up with extra children, if everyone did this the party would soon be out of control and spoiled for the birthday child whose own invited friends would be lost in the fracas!

Obviously if a party is a pay per child type of party then taking extra children is totally out of the question unless you ask in advance and pay for them. Even at a non pay per child party i.e. a church hall it would not really be fair on your own younger child to take her. she would be upset not to join in the games and miss out on the cakes and party food.

squeaver · 19/01/2009 16:04

Was just trying to help.

BettyTurnip · 19/01/2009 16:05

Whaaat?! I think 4 seems way too young to 'drop and go', there is far too much potential still for squabbles, tantrums, accidents, even absconding(!) at that age to leave a couple of harrassed parents (and one or two of their family/friends if they're lucky) to deal with.

I'm speaking as the mother of a 4yr old myself, have been to lots of parties recently and no parents have ever left their children and gone.

Agree that taking along a younger sibling is a no-no unless cleared by the host parent.

BettyTurnip · 19/01/2009 16:07

Sorry, slow typing. "Whaaat?!" not directed at Squeaver, just a general exclamation!

Original poster

babymt · 19/01/2009 16:08

squeaver didn't mean it like that. Should've put a smiley sorry.

OP posts:

giantkatestacks · 19/01/2009 16:09

bettyturnip - I think people mean reception year so its a mix of 4 and 5 year olds...

fruitstick · 19/01/2009 16:10

It is a minefield but I don't think there is any etiquette that you are supposed to just know, so ring the woman and ask her! She won't think you are pushy.

DS went to a 3rd birthday party last week which parents were expected to attend too as they are too young to be left alone. However one woman, with other children, did just drop off and pick up later. The host was a little shocked but the mother had simply assumed that this was the norm.

As most places charge per child at parties I would say it was unreasonable to expect siblings to be automatically invited unless you know the parent very well (which clearly you don't) and your child also socialises regularly with the sibling.

EldonAve · 19/01/2009 16:10

YABU
I have a 4 year old and most parties are now drop and run although I always ask the host if that's okay first

If you don't have childcare and want/need to stay then you call and explain and ask if you can bring the sibling

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