to take my younger dd to a party that eldest is invited to?

[babymt]

This is basically another party etiquette question.

My recently 4 year old dd started at a new nursery in September. Since then shes attended one party and going to another one on friday.

I took my 2 year old with me to the first party. It was a swimming party and I didn't realise I was supposed to go in swimming with her as first swimming party we've attended. We decided that dh would take dd2 swimming whilst I supervised dd1 at the swimming party. I was a bit when the party host didn't invited my dd2 to the party because 7 kids had pulled out that she'd paid for so you'd think she would've said "oh just bring your dd2 into the party area" because she did have younger kids there. So thought it a bit weird but now wondering if its bad etiquette to bring another non specifically invited child to a party? Also totally understand its up to the parent whether to not invite other kids on the spot or before hand. Its just not what I would've done.

So dd1 has got this other party to attend on friday, this time at a hall for 2 hours on friday. I was planning on taking dd2 with me because I don't have easily accesable childcare. But now I've thought about it (prompted by other similar threads) dd2 will no doubt want to join in. So should I a. not take her or b. ask if its ok or c. stop her joining in whilst there unless host says its ok?

I think that party boy has a sister almost same age as my dd2 but not entirely sure as 2 kids with same name in her class!

Sorry if this seems like a load of stupid questions but I feel a bit out of my depth re parties/school/making friends. Dd1 didn't have a party for her 4th birthday and therefore didn't invite school friends but had we done so I would've said siblings welcome just let me know how many are attending.

Now just had another thought that maybe I'm supposed to dump dd1 there and pick her up at 5. How do I know about that???

cote - but isnt a party really just some weekend childcare - If I had to stay and talk to a load of other parents for a couple of hours it would be dreadful...[feels truly antisocial]

Not at all. It is an opportunity for parents to get together and have a laugh while kids have fun playing.

Then again, our kids are friends, so we became quite friendly. It's not "dreadful" to see each other.

Have you ever tried to get to know these other parents?

I know some of them enough to have playdates and the like but not others - I dont get time to see any of my actual friends or even my partner so spending compulsory time with random adults is quite annoying iyswim.

I think its a tough one

Dd1 is having a party at a soft play centre in a few weeks, she has invited 10 friends, as they are aged 4-5 i would expect parents to stay, some of them have other children and may not be able to get child care. I can't afford for any more children to go but i would be happy for the parents to bring them as long as they pay for them to get in.

On the other hand dd1 has been invited to a party by my neighbours little girl, the girl plays with both my dd's but only dd1 is invited, the party is on a afternoon after school so dh will be working and i can't get childcare for dd2, i don't wan't dd1 to miss out but it will mean paying for dd2 to get in even though by 4.30pm dd2 will be in no mood to play and i will have to pay to feed dd2 as by the time we get home she will be ready for bed.

Its hard work getting your child to a party whilst you have other children, surely at 4-5 years old you should stay with them?

It's the same here Cote. It's just an occasion for people to get together. And for parents to finally know each other.

Twims how I loved that super soaker thread!

IME the problem with bringing siblings along is that the parents often expect them to be fed and entertained as many parents are too embarrassed to say no. Whilst feigning shock of course that they didn't expect them to be included . (Well done to Pag for being different . You're so right, it's your dcs birthday and his feelings and comfort have to come first).

Yes, I would expect to stay with a 4 year old and would happily bring him along, pay for him and have his food ordered before the host could feel any obligation towards him.

Gets more complicated now. Other parent at school with 2 year old has asked if ok to bring him along and was told yes. So do I still need to ring or shall I just assume coz shes been told yes that its a yes?

I'm really not a "phone" person. And no-one seems to know which parent is this childs parent so can't ask in person. No reply from emails. Hmmmm. Its such a PITA to take dd2 all the way to a babysitters as both potential babysitters live 30+ mins away from party location and 20+ mins away from my house.

Of course it's not more complicated. Still the same advice. Ask!

If you don't know who the mother is then ask your dc to point them out. I'm sure they know the birthday child.

You really do need to phone and ask. Otherwise it is still definately rude, there may be room for one more toddler and thats it for all you know. You say you're not a 'phone person' - my friend has a phone phobia and I know it helps her if she writes down what she wants to say in advance.

Or just ask any mum at school - I'm looking for X's mum , do you know where she is please?

It sounds as if you're quite shy and socially anxious. Otherwise you'd have phoned by now and had it sorted (or just said, sod it, I'm taking DC2).

I think you'll feel much worse if you bring her and feel rude, or if you go to the effort of a babysitter and discover yoy could have brought her after all.
A quick phone call to clear it up is by far the lesser evil - it doesn't have to be a heavy, involved conversation, just keep it light and say 'I wondered if it'sd be okay to bring DD - I'll pay for her/ bring food/ whatever - or were you hoping parents would drop off.

If you can't take her but don't have to stay, go and spend some time together.

Otherwise you'll have to do the awkward babysitting thing, or just turn up and risk feeling rude and embarrassed.

tootired - Theres no way I'd manage to get my daughter to point him out. I'd get a resounding "don't know" as is her answer to everything. Teacher is nice. Will ask her!

Apparently none of the parents know birthday boys mother because shes never there. Bit weird. Someone must drop him off!

nontoxic you are right. I'm far too anxious.

Ok will ask teacher later to point out and if thats a non starter then I'll ring....or make dh do it ;)

umm. Not terribly wierd. She probably has a job

Take and drop off. If your eldest starts to get upset at the thought of your leaving then you have no choice but to stay. And no reasonable host would object. In that case I'd invite her to join in.

I do have a bit of a bugbear about parents that always do this - ie those that know their child won't be OK but come along with both children and both parents so when the child won't settle they all stay. We have one family at school that do this. The older girl turns up and is invited to join in and sod's law dictates she wins all the games

Haven't read whole thread sorry - have mewing kitten in background - very distracting! However, around here parents do usually bring siblings along if they have to. We don't expect them to be included though and so it is up to the host if they are. My two know that if they go to the other ones party invite they are just there because I have no other childcare sort of thing. If its a public play area or something then of course they join in and I pay for them. Nobody minds at all. I think it is just the expecting them to be included and have a party bag that is not on. Oh and I wouldn't have left either of them at 4 - they wouldn't have stayed without me anyway unfortunately!

Didn't read the whole thread - but I would talke to the parent - along the lines of "I may just drop xxx off, as I have xoxox with me and dh is working" and see what the reaction is.

TBH, I ASSUME that younger brothers and sisters will come, and as long as its not a paid per child thing, I really would not mind, and would want them to join in where they can.

I have had years of trying to juggle two kids, while dh worked long hours, so I appreciate that not everyone has childcare - I certainly don't.

babymt - On the face of it, this OP seems to be about 'party etiquette', but actually it isn't. Its about the fact that you feel (and probably appear) socially awkward and seem to want reassurance that what you are doing is not 'wrong' and therefore will not alienate you from other mothers in particular.

But it doesn't work like that - there are no hard and fast rules, you have to feel your way gently. Sometimes you will get it wrong and feel like an eejit - but we have all been there.

You have been quite scathing about the network of mums, which makes me wonder why you care so much about doing the right thing? Everything seems such a big effort for you right now, and you come across as very grudging. Do you have other ishoos going on?

The way it seems to work at our school is that if the sibling is younger, they so far have tended to come along. Definitely if it's a babe in arms. The older ones don't or the mother always asks if it's okay. The 'tag alongs' so to speak don't always get party bags and the like.

You shouldn't assume it's convenient. In our area at some places - and I would imagine this would be the case elsewhere - you have to pay per child for these events, so you shouldn't just rock up with another one in tow without speaking to the parent first. Also, if you've planned party bags etc, it's a huge pain when the add ons start taking them before the children who were invited to the party do. Ditto for sitting down at the table for food, etc before the kids who were actually invited get their spots.

might be fine to come laong, but ask first and try to be unobtrusive!!!

I agree with Lightshines
I don'tthink this is about etiquette either.

I think you are feeling on the edge ofthis group and looking for reasons for that.

We have all been there.
This thread illustrates how differently different groups do things. I have had parties here for DD since she was four and only one parent has ever stayed yet for others it seems the norm.

The thing you need to bear in mind is whilst it is way way easier to pretend it is all a hassle and terribly complicated , these burgeoning relationships can be fantastic for you and your children.

I was effectively adopted by another mum when i moved here very depressed and with three children , one with profound SN which made me feel even more isolated.
She chatted to me ( whether I liked it or not ) and our DDs started having tea together and soon she was picking my DD up from nursery and vice versa - twas great.
She will always have DD if I need to take DS2 somewhere and I do the same for her.

I meant it was weird that no-one knew who picked the child up. Not weird at all that its not the mother.

Yes I have ishoos. And I'm clearly socially inept. I've never had many friends - still don't, never had social interaction with strangers, struggle to fit in and don't particularly want to. And I really really really don't want to make mummy friends just because I'm supposed to. I want to be friends with people I have something in common with and someone that I've chosen to be friends with rather than being friends with someone because society says I have to be iyswim?

I honestly don't know the answers to the questions I've been asking. I really don't. You're all basically saying I'm stoopid or rude or don't have manners. Maybe I'm all of those things but I don't think I am.

And if it were up to me dd's wouldn't be going to any party. But I am taking them to parties because they want to go and don't need to suffer because of my unsocial habits. But it makes me incredibly uncomfortable.

I think I'd be alot happier if I knew which child was which and which parents matched then I'd feel less lost about it. Also if I felt I was doing things right such as this party thing. I agonised over the whole do we/don't we send all the kids xmas cards (did and phew coz everyone else did) and do we buy all the helpers presents as well as the main teacher (I didn't and got that wrong!). I suppose I shouldn't worry about these things but I do. I'm a worrier.

I do talk to one parent...which is a start and luckily she talks to everyone else so I'm slowly sussing it out through her.

I think when I've found my feet with this sort of thing with dd1 it'll be easier with dd2 and dd3/ds1.

You also seem to be assuming that just because the others are mummys that you won't like them/won't have anything in common with them/won't get on.

Surely we always make our friends from random social groups - the people we live near, the people we work with etc etc. We meet a bunch of people, we are friendly. The ones we like stick, the ones we don't we just skirt around.

You also seem to be assumeing that you are being attacked when people are responding to your OP with their observations.Mostly people are trying to be helpful