to take my younger dd to a party that eldest is invited to?

[babymt]

This is basically another party etiquette question.

My recently 4 year old dd started at a new nursery in September. Since then shes attended one party and going to another one on friday.

I took my 2 year old with me to the first party. It was a swimming party and I didn't realise I was supposed to go in swimming with her as first swimming party we've attended. We decided that dh would take dd2 swimming whilst I supervised dd1 at the swimming party. I was a bit when the party host didn't invited my dd2 to the party because 7 kids had pulled out that she'd paid for so you'd think she would've said "oh just bring your dd2 into the party area" because she did have younger kids there. So thought it a bit weird but now wondering if its bad etiquette to bring another non specifically invited child to a party? Also totally understand its up to the parent whether to not invite other kids on the spot or before hand. Its just not what I would've done.

So dd1 has got this other party to attend on friday, this time at a hall for 2 hours on friday. I was planning on taking dd2 with me because I don't have easily accesable childcare. But now I've thought about it (prompted by other similar threads) dd2 will no doubt want to join in. So should I a. not take her or b. ask if its ok or c. stop her joining in whilst there unless host says its ok?

I think that party boy has a sister almost same age as my dd2 but not entirely sure as 2 kids with same name in her class!

Sorry if this seems like a load of stupid questions but I feel a bit out of my depth re parties/school/making friends. Dd1 didn't have a party for her 4th birthday and therefore didn't invite school friends but had we done so I would've said siblings welcome just let me know how many are attending.

Now just had another thought that maybe I'm supposed to dump dd1 there and pick her up at 5. How do I know about that???

baby
my son has autism. It is a terrible thing to be truly socially isolated. It may feel awkward for you but the more you can do it the easier it will be for your DCs.

I am hideously shy but I try my best for my other DCs

You dont have to make friends with the mums if you dont want to, but it almsot sounds as if you dont want to be friends with them because they are the mums.
You have one major thing in common with them - you have children the same age, and you stand in the playground with them twice a day.
There might be people that you would really like, if you got talking to them

And, as other people have said, talking to the mums would probably make your life easier too.

Not read whole thread...

Recently had this dilemma on the other side. Ds1 is having a soft play party jointly with another friend from nursery. The venue has strict limits on the number of children allowed on the soft play so we have had to say no siblings allowed.

I think it is unreasonable of you to expect to be able to take your dd2 to every party dd1 is invited to. however I don't think its unreasonable for you to ask if it is ok to bring her.

I haven't read the whole thread either... but YABU I'm afraid. Just drop her off... it makes it very awkward for the host having other kids around. If you other dc was invited, they would have said it on the invite. If not, then it's gatecrashing!

And one point about your DD: if your experience is anything like mine, she'll be invited to loads more parties than your DS ever was - to the point that mine actually used to get quite upset and feel very left out. It won't harm hervto see her brothervgo off and have a good time.

babymt - this thread has worried me all the way home, honestly it has. Because it just does not add up. You are clearly not stupid, but maybe could come across as being rude.

But its the friends things which is bugging me - you have said that you aren't really bothered about making friends, have never really had any and don't want any. So why on earth would you care what the other mums at school think of you - and why would you come on a webiste and ask a bunch of strangers (who are all mums) what we think - we are the people you claim to despise.

Actually, I think you care very, very deeply about making friends. It sounds like you are hurting and have built up a huge 'I don't care, I don't need any friends anyway' barrier as a self-defence.

What does your DH think? Can't he help you to overcome some of your fears?

I don't despise mums!!

And yes I do care what others think of me. Doesn't everybody??

I fell out with my best friend of 11 years about a year ago after years of pulling each other to peices. She was my only close friend (and no not exaggerating) so yes feeling a bit raw. Also had to recover from pnd and ptsd in that time. DH has given up trying to get me to be friendly. He's tried reasoning with me, persuading me, forcing me, blackmailing me to make friends but he seems to have realised its just not going to happen.

But what exactly is it that prevents you making friends? Have you been rejected so many times you don't want to try any more?

Are you a pyshcologist or something?

Dunno what prevents me. Just never really have. Always had one best friend at any one time, or a few years in teens when I had 2. I guess dh is the only friend I need and we've been together 10+ years. I know that sounds a bit pathetic.

Its something I've gone over with my counsellor and never got to the bottom of.

No, of course I'm not. Its just that your OP seemed so innocuous, but then you went on to add a couple of comments that seemed so contradictory. And sad.

It seems odd that you do not want any friends, but care so much about doing what is right. If you are not bothered about whether people like you or not, why don't just say 'f**k 'em' and get on with what you want to do?

I don't know! Food for thought

When ds started his new school at the beginning of year 2 he and I stood in the playground and didn't know a soul. I was TERRIFIED!!!! But I plucked up courage and tried to start a conversation, just said hello and smiled. The first one I did that to just sort of looked through me and I felt awful, but the next ones were fab and in no time at all I felt as though I'd been there for years. And the best thing is that I've found 3 of the best friends I could have ever wished for, aswell as plenty of people to pass the time of day with, I feel truly blessed to have them by my side and they me!!

ds is 13 now and hasn't wanted me to go into the playground with him since the start of year 5 and I really miss the chat in the mornings!

I think what I'm trying to say is that it often doesn't come easy, making friends, but it is so worthwhile, not only for you but definately for your children. Please think on, there are probably lots of people wanting to be your friend, it's up to you to let them in.

Babymt

Have been worrying about this thread and you, even more worried now I've seen recent posts.

What a shame, as pag says, that you feel uncomfortable about the kids' parties. No need to worry, really, about doing the wrong thing. There is no right thing in many cases.

No, nobody says you have to make friends with people. But y'know, the other mummies have a big thing in common with you - a 4yo child - and may have other things.

You're going to be standing beside them for the next 7 years, so you may as well have a chat to them.

The mums of some of my DCs' best pals are my friends. And the mums of others are not - they are maybe not my type of person. I don't chuck bricks at them or even ignore them, we're just not going to go to dinner together. Not a problem tho. Chat to people and you'll find out who you get on with.

A birthday party may be a good place to start - if there are other mums with toddlers there.

As another poster said, sometimes its really handy to know other parents to find things out about school - trips, parties, concerts, playdates etc

You will really need this when your ds starts school!!!!

Right this will probably come out like a load of excuses right but these mums just don't seem like "my kinda people" (if there is such a thing). I'm probably the youngest of them all. The only other "young" one who I did make a real effort with (she had 2 boys exactly same age as my girls) she totally and utterly rudely snubbed me later on so felt rather stupid.

Anyway they average age of the mums is about 10 years older than me. Its a private school so theres alot of money, big houses, ponys, trips abroad, 4x4's, etc. Something I don't have at all so I guess that automatically makes me feel inferior. Same happened at my school, I was one of the "poorer" kids. .

Also I HATED school with a passion so as soon as I'm there I feel uncomfortable.

But I get thats probably a load of excuses I'm giving just to excuse the fact I don't want to talk to them. They are probably fine, nice people. I get its me who has the problem.

Be prepared to have loads of stick - how do you know if they're your kind of people if you haven't tried, etc.

I say, fair enough, keep to yourself (it's generally my default position in the playground, when the people I've made attempts to be friendly with subsequently ignore me), but you should still be brave and sort this quandry out up front - show them you're as good as they are and do the right thing.

I do feel for you as being one of the 'young' ones (not a group I'm in sadly), however you do know you should just bite the bullet and try to join in.

Just because there was one snotty mare doesn't mean they are all like that. Sadly when people are shy it comes across as aloof (I'm both shy and aloof so can be doubly hard!) so you have to prove to them that you are indeed lovely.

The party will be a perfect place to chat so please do give it a go. Get the teacher to point out birthday child today and address the issue of you bringing your little one along. Go on, you can do it .

agree with nontoxic - we could be any of the mums at your school gate. And yes sometimes people are really funny with you - talk to you one minute and not the next but just ignore them or laugh to yourself. There will be some normal people there (whatever normal is).

I know that you feel as if you dont want to make friends and that its too late for you to change - and fair enough to a certain extent but you wouldnt want to pass that on to your dcs would you? They need to see you being sociable to learn that its a normal thing to do and that interacting with other people outside the family can be very rewarding.

FWIW some days at my school gate its very friendly and other days noone talks to me at all - lots of people are older then me, lots of people speak different languages to me and lots of people have more money, as in all life really - it doesnt matter - yesterday showed we all have to make an effort with everyone else and leave our judgements about them aside. [gets down off soapbox and eats another wispa]

i have a 4yo and a 3yo so this is a problem for me too. 4yop has been to lots of parties recently and all the mums stay. they are always during the afternoon so i have no childcare for the 3yo. TBH its hard enough for me to get time off work ( not the hosts problem i know)

i just phone up and explain that i have 3yo as well and ask if its ok to bring him and of course i will pay for entry ( soft play etc )and meal? so far everyone has said yes.

one party was in a home so i asked if i could leave 4yo and hostess was happy with this. 3yo would have run amok

Babymt - it's probably worth remembering that some of those older mums are probably looking at you and thinking, 'she looks like fun, and she has a dc in my dc's class, but she wouldn't want to hang out with an oldie like me.'

You've nothing to lose by saying hello to these women. Ask one if she and her dc want to come round after school for a coffee one day. Worst case, you won't click and the dc's won't either - so you chalk it up to experience. You might find you do click, or your dc's click - so at least one of you ends up with a friend. You might all click - the best case scenario. Worst case, all you've lost is an afternoon.

I wish I still had the playground as a way to meet people - now mine are older and we've moved house, I am really missing it.

From my experience, if all mums do the same and bring younger siblings - there isn't enough cake, food, chairs for the kids to sit, party bags... etc

I wouldn't take a younger sibling to another...people might not tell you straight but underneath they are bitting their tongue.

x

I haven't ever had anyone turn up with an uninvited child like this, unless it was to somewhere public like a soft play area, and then they've simply paid for their dc to play, and have got them some food from the cafe. I've had friends ask me if they could bring another dc along to a party, and they've offered to pay when it's been a pay-per-head party - and I've said that that's fine, and then have simply included the other child in my numbers, if finances have allowed.

As long as I'm asked in advance, I'll do my best to be flexible and accomodate the odd extra child.

babymt - please ask the teacher (or the one parent you do talk to) for help on matching parents to children - it's not a crime - it took me ages and I ended up sending a note via book bags to a mother because DS was adamant that he wanted her DS and no-one else to come and play....only to realise that she had introduced herself to me weeks before but that I had failed to make the connection with the right child . Everyone does it.

The other thing I would say (and I too find it hard to make friends) is that parties (assuming the majority of parents stay) are the best way to get to know other mothers - if having DD2 with you will make you paranoid about whether she is welcome, why not beg/borrow/pay for babysitting for a couple of parties so that you can take DD1 until you are comfortable enough to be able to ask? I had this easier in that DD was a tiny baby when DS was at this stage so she was more portable and didn't impact on catering numbers .