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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to take my younger dd to a party that eldest is invited to?

149 replies

babymt · 19/01/2009 14:53

This is basically another party etiquette question.

My recently 4 year old dd started at a new nursery in September. Since then shes attended one party and going to another one on friday.

I took my 2 year old with me to the first party. It was a swimming party and I didn't realise I was supposed to go in swimming with her as first swimming party we've attended. We decided that dh would take dd2 swimming whilst I supervised dd1 at the swimming party. I was a bit when the party host didn't invited my dd2 to the party because 7 kids had pulled out that she'd paid for so you'd think she would've said "oh just bring your dd2 into the party area" because she did have younger kids there. So thought it a bit weird but now wondering if its bad etiquette to bring another non specifically invited child to a party? Also totally understand its up to the parent whether to not invite other kids on the spot or before hand. Its just not what I would've done.

So dd1 has got this other party to attend on friday, this time at a hall for 2 hours on friday. I was planning on taking dd2 with me because I don't have easily accesable childcare. But now I've thought about it (prompted by other similar threads) dd2 will no doubt want to join in. So should I a. not take her or b. ask if its ok or c. stop her joining in whilst there unless host says its ok?

I think that party boy has a sister almost same age as my dd2 but not entirely sure as 2 kids with same name in her class!

Sorry if this seems like a load of stupid questions but I feel a bit out of my depth re parties/school/making friends. Dd1 didn't have a party for her 4th birthday and therefore didn't invite school friends but had we done so I would've said siblings welcome just let me know how many are attending.

Now just had another thought that maybe I'm supposed to dump dd1 there and pick her up at 5. How do I know about that???

OP posts:
DandyLioness · 19/01/2009 18:22

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tootiredtothink · 19/01/2009 18:24

I have no problem at all with parents bringing along siblings as I have childcare problems myself.

What I do have a huge problem with however is the when said child is not invited to play and eat. Rude does not cover it....

StewieGriffinsMom · 19/01/2009 18:45

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TheInvisibleBardDidIt · 19/01/2009 18:57

This is a pet hate of mine for childrens parties. If both children were invited, both names would be on invitation.

I had one parent turn up at one of ds2's party with 3 extra children, and then have a go at me when I said I only had enough party bags for the one that had been invited.

There's only 2 years between my boys so there's been alot of parties I've had to drop one off and drag the other grumpy one away.

Original poster
babymt · 19/01/2009 19:23

DandyLioness I did already say that I would personally put on invites to any reasonable sized party that siblings are welcome to come to my parties as long as they RSVP.

But then thats probably because my parties would either be at home where catering for a bit more food isn't a hassle or in a hall where the same goes really. I would put an age limit on it though (i.e. when dd was 6+) and I probably only think its ok for siblings to come because most of dd1's school friends have younger toddler or baby aged siblings.

I've got the more the merrier approach. And randomly including siblings wouldn't really work for structured parties at play centres, bowling, cinema, Mc D's, etc etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
babymt · 19/01/2009 19:26

I am so shocked that people turn up expecting food and party bags and even more so that they expect you to pay for an extra child!! I would never do that!!!!! And OMG at the 3 extra kids!!!!! Some people really do take the piss.

I'm only talking about taking a toddler. And repeat would never expect food, party bag nor for her to be automatically included. But def won't take her now unless manage to ask beforehand and be told its ok.

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DandyLioness · 19/01/2009 19:44

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mm22bys · 19/01/2009 19:48

If you don't the host's OK, then don't take the younger child.

If there are no other options for DD2, ask the host, I would be miffed if others turned up unannounced as I would want to make sure I had enough to go round all the children present!

YABU if you don't ask the host if it's OK, if it's OK with the host YANBU.

francagoestohollywood · 19/01/2009 19:58

I agree with you babymt, I'm of "the more the merrier" approach too. That said, we've always had the children's birthday party at home.
I'd email the other mother and ask if you can bring your toddler over. I'd be surprised if she said no, tbh.
And at the mother who didn't let your toddler in the party area. You might have breeched the party etiquette, but nevertheless!

mm22bys · 19/01/2009 20:02

Oh me too Franca, def the more the merrier but I would hate for my guests to go hungry or thirsty, hence why I'd like advanced notice!

pagwatch · 19/01/2009 20:04

jujumama
but I have DDs parties at my home. I have only so many chairs , only so much food, the bags made in advance - usually named. Plus I usually have an entertainer who specifies a certain price for a certain number of children. One - or god forbid two extra children could increase my bill massively.

And DS2 is always very kindly invited to DDs parties He has profound SN and would be really thrown by children he does not know being there.
If someone asked in advance I would certainly try to accomodate but to just turn up is, as I said,outrageously rude

Maybe 'listy'. But I would rather be listy than a rude twat. And my DS2 being comfortable is more important to me than some one elses child tbh

francagoestohollywood · 19/01/2009 20:06

Yes, I wouldn't turn up to a party with an unannounced little guest, no. But a 2 yr old doesn't eat that much !!!

giantkatestacks · 19/01/2009 20:12

I dont really see the eating as a problem imo - its more than younger ones can kick off and spoil things and older ones can take over and be really pushy - though much older ones can be helpful...

DandyLioness · 19/01/2009 20:20

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francagoestohollywood · 19/01/2009 20:26

I suppose that a gang of 40 2 yr old might be disruptive, but seriously one or 2? IME they are usually keen to follow the older children and just want to share a bit of the fun. We've just been to a party on saturday with a shocking rate of younger siblings, who pottered around and were in general tolerated by the 5 yrs old.

jujumaman · 19/01/2009 20:28

Yup,. Pagwatch, as I said to bring an extra child without asking is rude - I always ask

And if someone asks and there's good reason to say no like I've told the party entertainer there will be x children, then fair enough also.

Dillydaydreamer · 19/01/2009 20:40

I would contact the parent and explain the situation and offer to take food/drink for dd2. If she says no then you have to respect her wishes.
Personally I would invite all the friends and siblings welcome and like you, just say you need to know how many children will be attending. No big deal at 4 IMO.
However, it also depends on whether you pay for room hire or individual iyswim. A room it costs the same whoever comes, individual things like bowling/soft play its a question of who pays for siblings if the invite says they are welcome iyswim.
I personally would not allow anyone to dump and run with 4yo hyper on sugar They still need some support, different by 5yo though as they are more independent.
It also depends on the age gap as well i.e. a party for a 3yo, no problem having younger toddlers. Party for a 4yo its ok 3 + or a baby in a pram, but not toddlers as they don't understand rules which leads to conflict with games iyswim and they will want to join in,.

Clary · 19/01/2009 20:47

As others say you can't assume you can bring younger DD to party.

Of course if there is a specific issue I personally don't mind if people ask if they can bring a younger child along, esp for hall type parties.

But if it's soft play or other pay-per-guest deal, no you can't do it.

WRT dump and run, round here it's mostly from reception age, tho a few did it for DS2's 4th party (ie nursery) IIRC.

In yr second scenario, if I were you I might ask the host - if I knew them well. I think it's cheeky just to assume it's OK to take her - a babe in arms is one thing, a 2yo could be quite another.

I once had an older sibling stay at one of my DC's parties - she was about 10 and the most difficult child at the party tbh ("I don't understand this game! Where's my prize?" etc etc)

wrt the swim party, most pools won't let you have one for that age unless parents swim too. But I would have put that on the invite tbh (that's what a pal of mine did).

HTH (meant as a helpful post)

squeaver · 19/01/2009 20:50

Re the dropping and running: my 4yo has been to 5 parties over the last 2 weekends and I have not stayed at any of them. And I am in the vast majority of parents. These are parties with 15 - 20 odd children attending.

Honestly.

tootiredtothink · 19/01/2009 21:11

By babymt on Mon 19-Jan-09 14:53:16
"I was a bit when the party host didn't invited my dd2 to the party because 7 kids had pulled out that she'd paid for so you'd think she would've said "oh just bring your dd2 into the party area" because she did have younger kids there. So thought it a bit weird"

By babymt on Mon 19-Jan-09 19:26:36
"I'm only talking about taking a toddler. And repeat would never expect food"

The other problem with bringing toddlers along is they don't know party etiquette and are often determined to get fully involved in the party.

Twims · 19/01/2009 23:08

And remember don't bring the super soaker

ByThePowerOfGreyskull · 19/01/2009 23:16

Babymt
DS1 has been invited to loads of parties since we had ds2 - each time I have responded I have asked whether it would be ok to bring DS2 or if I could drop and run.. each time they have said that they expected that I would have ds2 with me - even so I have been glad that I checked.

Just call the mum and check

spina · 19/01/2009 23:42

if you can check in a way that doesn't put parent on spot that is thoughtful too. So an email or note through nursery is nicer than asking in front of other parents or even phoning them when they aren't prepared with an official response(perhaps as i only ever seem to get phone calls during kids meal times or bedtimes!Even from other parents!) if you're new to this maybe the other parents are too!

My experience on this is that i invite siblings of long term friends to parties if they're kids my sons play with anyway.(ie the people we all go to see together-ds1's best mate,his little sister and my ds2 who are 5,5,3,and 2). Schools friends are just school friends and my ds2 doesn't know them so i don't expect (or query) an invite to those parties.

A house full of kids is great but it's nicer when the host has an idea of numbers. In public places (soft play.etc) you're paying by the head and while,at home, i can grab a few extra stickers or pens from my kids vast collection to make an emergency party bag, it's not so easy in the middle of an industrial estate to find something to give to a sibling.

As an aside,my two year old allowed his big brother to invite just one big brother friend to his second party so two five years olds in the middle of pass the parcel for two year olds is quite an interesting experience.I've never seen such blatant professionialism.

KTNoo · 20/01/2009 08:07

Huge difference between extra child at your house and having to pay 10 pounds for that child at an organised party!

I would not pay for that extra child if i were the host, and I would never bring siblings along to that kind of party expecting them to be paid for. That is really cheeky.

I might bring siblings to a house party but would always check first.

CoteDAzur · 20/01/2009 08:39

Funny how etiquette differs.

Where we are, everyone assumes younger siblings and parents will attend a birthday as well as the invited child. Children play together and adults have a glass of wine & chat. In fact, it would be very rude to just drop off your child, as if the host is your babysitter.

I think your best bet is to phone and ask the host if it's OK to bring your other DD.