His son moves in, I just want to move out

[JustWantToWalkOut]

I have been married for two years. I have a 10 year old son, DH has a 9 year old son and we have an 18 month old DD together.

When we first got together, his son lived with his mother and we had him on weekends. TBH he was a pain then but he was DH's son and I respected that. Then about 6 months ago, DH said he needed to talk to me about his son moving in with us. His mum was having problems and so on and DSS wanted to move in with us.

I didn't like the idea for a number of reasons. He does not get on with my son and they fight whenever they meet. We only have a 3 bedroomed house meaning my DS would lose his room to a shared room. We didn't have the money for another child and lastly, I knew I could not cope with the lads behaviour.

However I had very little choice in the matter and his son moved in. My DS was devestated.

As soon as he moved in he demanded that "his" (meaning the shared room) was completely re-decorated to his liking. DH did this He demanded a particular school, DH agreed BUT he is at work so I have to take my own DS to school early and then faff about taking dss to his school. He's rude, swears, breaks things. Him and DS are constantly fighting and DH tries to blame my ds as he's "older".

Now DH just spends all of his time with dss, on a saturday morning they go to football, saturday afternoon they go to watch the game. Sunday they go out just the two of them, I never see him anymore.

Almost all of our money goes on him. For instance my DS has been needing some new trainers for weeks. DH knows this and we were supposed to be taking him to buy some on saturday. DSS overheard us talking about it and whilst out at football, convinced his dad to take HIM to get some new trainers, he paid over £50 for them and we could no longer afford to get my DS any and the kid walked in with the most horrible grin.

He gets away with murder. Demands what he wants to tea, turns the TV over whilst people are watching it (DH just laughs it off)

Basically I don't like the kid. I know I'm going to get flamed for saying that but if anyone lived with him for more than a week, they would fully understand. Now our lives are unbearable and I just want to leave.

DH says "you're really going to leave me because I moved my own son in??" AIBU to say "yes"?

yanbu at all, you need to have a massive talk to DH and set rules and then talk to both boys explaining rules.

well you would BU if that is really the answer to THAT question ("you're really going to leave me because I moved my own son in??" ) but it seems like the question is more about how your dh is parenting his son?

It sounds like a difficult situation and one I am in no position to advice on except that it sounds like your dh is the one causing the problems, not your dss as such. Your dh could smooth things out, if he wanted to.

Hmmm the kid sounds vile but perhaps he thinks that you dont want him there, could this be contributing to his outragous behavious perhaps. I think you need to sit down with your dh and explain that all the dcs need treating equally and that he should devote time to every child not just his son. Perhaps you could think of some constructive sollutions and then get the kids in and explain these to them. It sounds to me like dss needs firmer boundries.

He thinks the sun shines out of his backside. Since he started his new school I have been phoned 3 times about his behaviour. He is currently on report for repeatedly bullying another boy.

I have tried to talk to DH and he just says "what do you want me to do?" and he uses the latest incidents to make it sound like I'm going on about nothing.

Like the trainers, I said "we need to talk, this whole thing is NOT fair on my DS" and he replied "so he didn't get a new pair of trainers, I'm hardly neglecting him" etc but its not just that, its the whole situation but DH refuses to accept there is a problem.

I think your dh needs to see that as DSS is part of the family, he needs to be treated as part of the family.

As others have said, it's not DSS who is the problem but the way in which your dh treats him. Favouritism and preferential treatment isn't doing the family any good.

Before you throw in the towel you need to be sure that you've tried everything. So, sit down with DH and tell him that yes, if things continue as they are then you will be off, but first you would like to try some ground rules.

And then agree with DH what those rules are. There must be some fair way of splitting spending money between the 2 boys. Can your DS share with your DD for now? Or is there any room downstairs that could be converted into a bedroom? You need to agree what is acceptable behaviour with your DH and then work together to back each other up. This can be overcome, but only if you and DH work together - he needs to be supporting you.

is he trying to make up for the fact that he's no longer living with his mum?

I totally understand why you're finding it hard - unfortunately not all children are terribly likeable but for your marriage to survive you and DH are going to need to really talk about this and agree on an approach.

Theres bound to be a difficult period of adjustment for ALL of you. He is still a child tho and has had a massive upheaval and is probably feeling very mixed up. However, there have to be rules and boundaries and DH needs to address the situation, otherwise this could be a slippery slope. Kids can be very manipulative, sounds like your DSS is expert, but DH must not be taken in by it

did you post about this a while back when dss moving in was in the pipeline?

Totally agree with Hassled's post - the key to all of this is DH. You must both be singing off the same hymn sheet and if DH pooh-poohs this idea, then I'm afraid things will only get worse as 9 year old kids (and those a lot older) usually don't have enough of a conscience to admit when things are unfair and will manipulate the situation to their advantage when the adult looking after them isn't being consistent, is showing favouritism, "guilt" parenting, or not setting fair rules and boundaries.

I do sympathise with you. It takes quite some bravery for a stepmother to stick her head above the parapet on the MN Step Parenting board, and dare admit she's unhappy, or, shock horror admit that a stepchild isn't her favourite person, let alone elsewhere on the board. I understand totally why you're currently feeling the way you do - it's an instinctive reaction, and all the more understandable when your own child is also being picked on or blamed for all arguments. But - this really does hinge on DH, who, I have to say, sounds like he's handling it really badly.

The child has had a massive change by moving in with you, sharing a room with your ds who is 'devastated' by his arrival, leaving his mum who he will know is having 'problems' and will worry about, changing schools at a difficult age. I think his behaviour is to be expected bearing in mind what he has gone through. You are being unfair.
All your ds has had to do is to share his room with his step dad's son and he is allowed to feel 'devastated' by that. I actually think that's a bit indulgent of you. Why shouldn't this boy be allowed to choose the school he is going to? He has already been uprooted once, he is trying to get a bit of control back over his life. Poor kid.

The thing is, he was like this BEFORE he moved in with us. He was bullying kids at nursery at the age of 4 ffs. He manipulated his mother so that she spent money on him instead of paying bills, he's already broken one of DS's christmas presents.

I do blame DH for the way things are but I can't help feeling resentment towards the kid either, especially when he says stuff like "guess you won't be able to take (DD) out at weekend because we'll be using the car ALL weekend" or "hope you didn't want any of that orange in the fridge, cos I drank it all" (half of time, he fills a huge glass, takes a sip and then pours the rest down the sink).

Of course DS is going to be "devestated" by this kid moving in when he's broken his nose once, regulary breaks and 'loses' his things, causes arguments, prevents him from being bought stuff that he needs AND the entire bedroom had to be done "just" to his liking, and sod DS who was to have no say at all??

You are not leaving him because he moved his son in. You are leaving him because he is incapable of parenting his son effectively, and because as a result his son's behaviour is making your life and your son's life intolerable. His choice - he parents properly and you stay, or he carries on as things are and you go.

Will your dh (and you) go to parenting classes? Seems to me that if you BOTH start scting like a unit, then maybe he will feel more secure, and some of the behaviour will sort itself out.

Your DH needs to understand that not parenting his child properly is neglectful, and that dss does not need a BFF, he needs a Father.

Good Luck

I think SS does sound like a little sod for sure and in your shoes, I expect I would also feel full of resentment.

But he has been allowed to get away with murder by the sounds of it, and DH is perpetuating this. Am guessing that when he comes out with remarks like the orange juice, any attempt at disciplining such cheek by you would not be backed up by DH (and therefore be ineffective ?) It must be a horrible situation to be in, and, if SS, for whatever reason, is prone to lying, aggression and vandalism, then I do also understand why your son would be genuinely devastated.

Unfortunately though as I said before, kids that age don't have enough of a conscience to do the right thing when adults let them run riot. In the circumstances, I too would "hate" him and feel very nervous of him hurting my son again but blaming him won't, unfortunately, change anything. This has got to come from DH, and I think it's outrageous that HE, not SS, is deliberately choosing such divisive actions like taking the car all weekend, instead of working with you to ensure that everyone's needs are catered for. I also think it's disgusting that HE allowed his son free rein with the newly decorated room while your son had no say - that's downright cruel ....... another reason for your son to feel justly devastated.

TBH, it comes across that your DH very much sees HIS child as being most important. The examples you have quoted go far above and beyond a wee bit of "understanding" in helping him settle into a new home environment. Seems like DH is sending a message loud and clear that SS is top dog child, not SS, and not even his other child (who never sees her dad on a weekend). It's good for each parent to spend some 1 on 1 time with individual children, but not to the exclusion of all others, all the time, and certainly not as something for SS to boast about.

I think your DH is being grossly irresponsible.

ok, your having a very hard tim adjusting to dss. he is behaving like a brat and your dh is letting him. dh is the point of annoyance here, kids will do what they like unless the parents draw up boundries.all spare money should be split equally between he kids, and any toys that are deliberatly broken should be replaced by the destroyer from deductions from pocket money.this should apply to all kids in houes!i am so sorry the wee boy is giving you trouble , but perhaps he need to see a child phycologist , he obviously has issues, and hopefully these can be sorted out. you need to get dh to take responsability for his son. as step mum you dont really have auhority as far as the childs school goes, he needs your dh to sort this out. if nothing changes then i probably would leave too, abet temperary, just to see how dh does with dss on his own. hed have no choice but to deal with the little boys problems then. for your family, i hope ot works out and you all gel properly soon, best of luck x

Meant to add as well, IMO, in this sort of situation, it should be primarily up to the adults involved (& his father should accept the largest responsibility) to work out strategies to ensure an unsettled/upset child finds their place within a new/different household and family set up. Whatever it takes to make them feel at home should NOT be at the expense of any other children (unless it is completely unavoidable) because you are otherwise immediately creating a hierachy which is bound to cause extra resentment and arguments between the kids.

Okay, the 2 boys having to share a room was unavoidable. DS might not like that, but there was no other choice, and this could be explained to him - "sometimes life is tough, sometimes you have to compromise" etc etc. However, this change, which would have been a change for BOTH boys, should have been tackled as a joint project of equal importance to them both. It should not have been SS calling all the shots because he's had problems or whatever ...... that isn't DS's fault or responsibility, yet by removing all traces of what was once "his" room, and by not allowing him any input into making the bedroom feel like "his and SS's room after SS moved in, he has been completely pushed out and the message he's getting is "SS is more important than you" and, maybe "don't complain, SS has had a tough time" ..... which must be a very hard pill to swallow when you're 10, when this kid has broken your nose, intimidates you and has no respect for your things.

If DH refuses to accept the potential damage this approach could cause DS I'd be looking to get out of there I'm afraid.

The kid sound a bit damaged to me. Some real TLC might help - it might be hard for you but also mightbe worth a try.

Or go talk to family psychologists - ask your GP if you qualify for a referral. If his behaiviour is being very disruptive to the point you wnat to leave, I'm sure you will qualify.

Agree with monkeytrousers, he does sound damaged. What happened when you and his dad got together? Did he leave her for you? There could be a lot of resentment. Whatever happened his dad is with you and your ds and you have (or had) a cosy family unit, while he was with his mum who can't cope.

You need a referral and you (as a family)need help. There are clearly reasons for your DSS's behaviour, but no excuses for your DH, IMHO. If his DS is going to be part of the family, then it has to be a level playing field - the two boys and your DD are all children in your joint care and they need to live by the same rules. Otherwise life will continue to be intolerable.

If your DH can't/won't understand this then you would not be unreasonable at all to consider moving out - but IIWY I would still seek a referral for help even then, given that the whole experience will have affected your DS and you badly.