His son moves in, I just want to move out

[JustWantToWalkOut]

I have been married for two years. I have a 10 year old son, DH has a 9 year old son and we have an 18 month old DD together.

When we first got together, his son lived with his mother and we had him on weekends. TBH he was a pain then but he was DH's son and I respected that. Then about 6 months ago, DH said he needed to talk to me about his son moving in with us. His mum was having problems and so on and DSS wanted to move in with us.

I didn't like the idea for a number of reasons. He does not get on with my son and they fight whenever they meet. We only have a 3 bedroomed house meaning my DS would lose his room to a shared room. We didn't have the money for another child and lastly, I knew I could not cope with the lads behaviour.

However I had very little choice in the matter and his son moved in. My DS was devestated.

As soon as he moved in he demanded that "his" (meaning the shared room) was completely re-decorated to his liking. DH did this He demanded a particular school, DH agreed BUT he is at work so I have to take my own DS to school early and then faff about taking dss to his school. He's rude, swears, breaks things. Him and DS are constantly fighting and DH tries to blame my ds as he's "older".

Now DH just spends all of his time with dss, on a saturday morning they go to football, saturday afternoon they go to watch the game. Sunday they go out just the two of them, I never see him anymore.

Almost all of our money goes on him. For instance my DS has been needing some new trainers for weeks. DH knows this and we were supposed to be taking him to buy some on saturday. DSS overheard us talking about it and whilst out at football, convinced his dad to take HIM to get some new trainers, he paid over £50 for them and we could no longer afford to get my DS any and the kid walked in with the most horrible grin.

He gets away with murder. Demands what he wants to tea, turns the TV over whilst people are watching it (DH just laughs it off)

Basically I don't like the kid. I know I'm going to get flamed for saying that but if anyone lived with him for more than a week, they would fully understand. Now our lives are unbearable and I just want to leave.

DH says "you're really going to leave me because I moved my own son in??" AIBU to say "yes"?

I absolutely agree with Xenia on this. Before I had seen her post I would have suggested that you (temporarily) share with your ds, your dh with dss until sorted. Appreciate all the problems this could cause. I wonder why he is not living with his mother - not being nosy but (unless i have missed the reason) this is quite unusual, and will probably be very relevant to your dss behaviour. I feel so sorry for your situation - I know I would leave to protect my child - not saying that is the right thing to do but it would be my choice. I would so like to be of some help, because I have seen my own children go through difficult situations. Please keep posting, and take much care.

wel for once Xenia I agree with you.

'The thing is, everything was fine before DSS moved in. DH got on well with DS, they used to go out together, play computer games together'

I think that this is the nub of the whole problem. DH has worked hard to bond with your DS but you haven't done the same for his DS, there is nothing about you going out together with your DSS or playing computer games together. You have had your nice little family unit of four, conveniently forgetting that you are a unit of 5. You have now all been forced to see that you are a family of 5, and no one likes it. DH must feel really guilty because he has been doing all the things with his DSS that he should have been doing with his DS. Both boys have been thrown together when they don't like each other and there is intense jealousy.
DSS must have been very young when you got together; if I was 5 or 6 yrs old and my daddy went to live with another family and became daddy to another little boy I would be difficult! Equally if I was DS I would resent another child coming in.
I think that the situation is worth working on. If you leave poor DD becomes the 'suitcase kid' who spends weekends with her father and brother, goes on holiday with them and has to alternate her time at Christmas etc.
Xenia's suggestion is excellent-in fact the only way to go for the moment when the 2 boys need their own space.

You and DH need to sit down together (this is where you probably need professional help)and work out rules that the whole family have to keep to. I have no doubt DSS is impossible to live with at the moment (he can't be allowed to get his own way on everything through his father's guilt) but he is only a young child-you and DH are the adults.

sounds to me like your DH is feeling guilty for splitting with his ex and leaving her and dss. this is the point you have to make to him, he left her, he split with her, not his son so he has no need to compensate.he should be feeling guilty at leaving you to deal with the trouble caused by dss.why did his mother dump him? was it because hes so difficult? or was it because she's unable to look after him through illness or someting? or is she just wanting to put herself first? i feel sorry for the wee boy, but more so for your ds and dd.If i was to guess i think your dss is punnishing you and your ds for "stealing" his dad.(think about it,his mum doesnt want him because his dad doesnt want his mum,whether you did or not you are the reason his dad didnt go back to his mum(childlike view,not mine))im not saying you did split them up,but children dont understand relationships the way adults do and can be very territorial about "their" parents. the wee boy NEEDS help.your ds and dd need protecting from him until he is sorted.your dss mother needs a kick up the arse(she should have got the boy help when he was much younger), your dh needs a kick up the arse(for allowing dss behaviour to continue and not getting him help now), you have tried your best with the child, theres nothing more you can do.i dont think you hate him as other posters have suggested, just that you are very tired of the situation.i couldnt have coped as well as you did. had one os my dsc broken one of my dc's noses i would not let them visit,never mind move in. id be suggesting to dh that he and dss move out.why should your dc be disrupted any more than they already have.you have two children to house, dh has one, less expensive for them to find somewhere else.

I would leave, sounds horrible to have to live on egg shells like that. But then I am a very intolerant person at the best of times and if my own DS was suffering, that would make my mind up.

My mum got together with a bloke when I was about 11, he had a daughter aged 9 who deliberatly broke my things and went out of her way to cause trouble for me. Thankfully they broke up but I dread to think what would have happened if they'd moved in. I think I would have ended up killing her TBH.

I agree with all those who say move Dd into your room, NOW.

Give DS, DD's room and allow him to chose how to decorate it (if he really did have no say in the other room then they can both have own rooms that have been decorated.
Make a strict rule of not going in each other's room. Get them BOTH lockable chests.

Make plans so that EVERY week, EVERY child gets one-on-one time with you and one-on-one time with DH.
EVERYTHING else done is done as a family

Put so much money away for each child (including DD because though she is a baby now, both boys will eventually resent it if it feels she gets more) every week/month etc (aside from pocket money) for necessities, so if they both need trainers they have the money there ready.

Sit down TOGETHER and write up a list of house rules, stick them somewhere everyone can see. Also create a list of chores that alternate between the boys, give them a small amount of pocket money for this. This money is either to be used for their treats or to replace anything they may break of each other's.

IMO, the problem here is that nothing was done to ensure things would work smoothly when DSS moved in. As your family of four was already working nicely he was expected to just slot in, whereas in reality this is a totally new thing for EVERYONE involved and should have been treated as such.

I urge you, for all the children's sakes, your own son included, to try and work at this. Tolerance and kindness are fabulous things for children to learn first hand, just take necessary steps to allow them their own space and prevent anyone from getting hurt.

True, they won't.

If you try talking to DH and saying to him that you understand his son has had a hard time, but you aren't willing to let that impact on anyone else's lives anymore than it already has, PLUS you don't think either of you are helping DSS by allowing this behaviour to continue, if anything, both your's and DH's behaviours are reinforcing that this is the way for him to act (you by putting your DS and DD first and not seeing the family as a whole, and DH by allowing his behaviour to continue unchallenged).

The way you speak to DH will undoubtedly be the deciding factor for him on whether or not he listens. Try not to put all the blame on his son, he may be a nightmare, but he is a child, just a product of his environment, which doesn't sound too fun for him either tbh.

I would also sit the boys down once you and DH have spoken and tell them that things are going to change.
That BOTH of them are going to have to be more tolerant of each other (not saying your DS isn't, but you need to talk to them equally from the start) and that you understand space/money/time may be an issue so these are the steps you are going to take.

Oh, and lastly, I'd not move out, nor would I ask DH & DSS to.

DH needs to see that the problem here is largely HIS behaviour so I would ask DH to move out ALONE. LEaving DSS and showing just how committed you are to the family as a unit rather than two units (you, DS, DD V's DH&DSS)

I agree with Xenia. I haven't read the whole thread, but if your DH was very keen to have his son live with him then the child may be aware of this and exploiting his strong position. He sounds quite damaged and in need of help.

If you get together with someone with children, you HAVE to accept that your partner is still a parent to his other children. Unless you are intentionally wanting to cast yourself as the wicked stepmother, I seriously recommend that attempt to provide a modicum of stability to this poor child whose parents are struggling with him. It may be that he is a little difficult at the moment (and realistically how many 9-10 yr olds with separated parents would NOT try to take advantage of that fact?). Your son is lucky to live with his mother, this little's boy's mother has basically rejected him. Are you going to make him feel worse, or are you going to do your utmost to help him fit in? He is a little boy, as deserving of the right sort of love and attention as any other child. If you are unhappy about the way he is behaving, you need to ask your husband to treat him fairly vis a vis your son.

On another tack, why should your partner (who is not your son's father) pay for his trainers? Why can your son's father not pay for them? Or do you view your partner as a meal ticket? Frankly in a situation of limited resources and immense feelings of guilt, your partner will undoubtedly privilege his own child.

I agree with everything Elizabeth says. That is the way to resolve this situation, with family therapy as well.

Absolutely excellent posts from ElizabethFilth-I agree with everything you have said, and think it could work.
I think that DH will cooperate-he has made a nice unit of 4-at the moment he is just over compensating for the rest of the family not making it a unit of 5.

I felt the same on the trainers point but presumably she doesn't work as she has a young child although if I could be back working full time with a baby of 2 weeks I don't see why other people can't if they need the money....

That's a side issue. Even my twins who love each other so much and are 10 argue over their things sometimes. They happily share a bed room but if they were now imposed on someone else that would be different. Move the new child into your room and let the boys have their own.

I think this is not normal adjustment to step siblings but is a very damaged boy who is in serious trouble at school and needs help. He is the victim too and he's only little buti t's for his father to sort it out and insulate you from the problems as much as possible. your son isn't hurting his. Your son isn't in trouble at school. So clearly the other boy is the one who is causing trouble and needs to be sorted out.

On a purely practical level, once ds has moved into dd's room, is there any way that you can extend in order to create extra space for you all?

Um Duchesse, and Xenia - if trainers are needed, isn't it reinforcing the 'split' between the boys if DS has to go to his own father? If they're living as a family that sort of thing should be from the family budget.

And Xenia - why should it be the father in both cases? Why did you not say 'DSS should have got the money from his mother'?

Remarking that DS's father should have bought his trainers is completely missing the point.

The fact is, a promise was made to DS and then broken. Which would be disappointing enough had the trainer money been needed for an extra high gas bill or something, but which must have been like a kick in the teeth to a 10 year old when his stepbrother is bought the very same thing instead and then shows off about it. How cruel.

The OP said that DS had needed trainers for weeks. She also said that once SS had been bought some "we" could no longer afford any ...... indicating that the household budget covers stuff like this. Indeed, many mums who receive Child Maintenance don't earmark it specifically for their child but put it into the same household pot which contains all other income, and which then benefits everyone.

None of us know, but let's assume for a moment that DS's dad has disappeared and pays no maintenance for him. Well ..... in the same vein that the OP has been reminded enough times she "knew what she was letting herself in for" (and other comments to that effect), does the same not apply to her husband who would also have known he was becoming part of a family where his wife's son's father wasn't (possibly) meeting his responsibility. And do any of you therefore believe that because of that, as with the trainers, it is fair to exclude one child in particular because his dad's done a runner ? What about family holidays ? ...... extending that argument, I guess some of you would think it fair if DS was left behind at home because (if) his dad doesn't pay ?

Besides which, right now, we have no idea if DS's dad pays anything, if the OP works, what she earns etc etc. Where do you draw the line with that particular argument ? What if (because he is a low earner) DS's dad "only" pays a "small" sum ? Does that mean he's only entitled to half the treats SS receives ? ...... and that, age 10, he is supposed to feel entirely happy about that ? What if the OP also contributes a smaller sum to the family pot than her husband ? Again, does that mean her children should receive less than his ? Good god ...... households where the highest earner thinks he (it is usually a he with this attitude) has a god given right to keep "his" money and spend it as he wishes while his wife scrimps is a perennial topic on Mumsnet (just as Xenia claiming this wouldn't be an issue if all women got themselves a well paid job and never took any maternity leave is as well) and the overwhelming majority response is usually "how dare he the tightfished bastard, your contribution in running the household/childcare etc is just as worthwhile even though your efforts aren't marked with a paypacket" ......

...... yet there are people here who are seriously suggesting it is okay for one very young child within the family to be excluded, to have promises made to him broken, and to feel okay about the fact his step-sibling has more spent on him because the funding for his step-sibling's things is presumed to come from his (SS's) father's pocket. Whatever happened to the notion of couples combining their resources when they get married - which is what most still choose to do, with no distinctions between mine and yours.

Catsmother - what I wanted to say but said so much better .

(posted before I meant to)

.... Therefore, BOTH boys should have been bought trainers, or, they should have BOTH been told that trainers would be bought for each of them as and when genuine need arose, so that no distinction was being made between them.

Justwanttowalkout ...... how are you today ? Have you had any further thoughts on what you're going to do ?

If ElizabethFilths very sensible plan is put into operation money and trainers is no longer an issue.

I agree that both boys should get the money from the same source, be it home or the NRP.
This is not down to gender of parent.

Agree gender of parent shouldn't be an issue, wondered why Xenia focused on DS's father as logical source... But that's all a side issue anyway...

You've had load of good advice on here. The answer is to re-draw the battle plans and DH has to be on board for that.
You have to agree a boundary you both agree on, and then watch DSS endlessly run up and bounce against the boundary.

Then it'll still be tough, but hopefully everyone will know where they stand.

So if the battleground had been drawn - when he said 'DS shouldn't come to the cinema'

you wouldn't say 'Why?'

You would both stand shoulder to shoulder and say 'No, we're all going to the cinema together. End of.'

Good luck. Stepfamilies are hard.

Also, if I were your dh and was feeling, as KerryMumbles suggested, that it was you causing the issues by making your dislike obvious but were not willing to work on it...well, I'd be packing your bags for you whilst calling my solicitor to find out exactly what rights you had to uproot your DD from her family home and take her off to goodness knows where over a child's troublesome behaviour...especially as the two of you have joint parental responsibility..