His son moves in, I just want to move out

[JustWantToWalkOut]

I have been married for two years. I have a 10 year old son, DH has a 9 year old son and we have an 18 month old DD together.

When we first got together, his son lived with his mother and we had him on weekends. TBH he was a pain then but he was DH's son and I respected that. Then about 6 months ago, DH said he needed to talk to me about his son moving in with us. His mum was having problems and so on and DSS wanted to move in with us.

I didn't like the idea for a number of reasons. He does not get on with my son and they fight whenever they meet. We only have a 3 bedroomed house meaning my DS would lose his room to a shared room. We didn't have the money for another child and lastly, I knew I could not cope with the lads behaviour.

However I had very little choice in the matter and his son moved in. My DS was devestated.

As soon as he moved in he demanded that "his" (meaning the shared room) was completely re-decorated to his liking. DH did this He demanded a particular school, DH agreed BUT he is at work so I have to take my own DS to school early and then faff about taking dss to his school. He's rude, swears, breaks things. Him and DS are constantly fighting and DH tries to blame my ds as he's "older".

Now DH just spends all of his time with dss, on a saturday morning they go to football, saturday afternoon they go to watch the game. Sunday they go out just the two of them, I never see him anymore.

Almost all of our money goes on him. For instance my DS has been needing some new trainers for weeks. DH knows this and we were supposed to be taking him to buy some on saturday. DSS overheard us talking about it and whilst out at football, convinced his dad to take HIM to get some new trainers, he paid over £50 for them and we could no longer afford to get my DS any and the kid walked in with the most horrible grin.

He gets away with murder. Demands what he wants to tea, turns the TV over whilst people are watching it (DH just laughs it off)

Basically I don't like the kid. I know I'm going to get flamed for saying that but if anyone lived with him for more than a week, they would fully understand. Now our lives are unbearable and I just want to leave.

DH says "you're really going to leave me because I moved my own son in??" AIBU to say "yes"?

OP - please read this article you really don't want to be in this man's shoes in 20 years do you?

I think you should call it a day with your DH and put the children first.Is it really worth making both these little boys miserable just so you can be with DH who you don't seem to be too chuffed with anyway.
I don't think if anything happened to my DH I would ever contemplate hooking up with anyone else with kids until my own were grown-up.
I have a lot of concerns for your DSS .the way you word things like 'he manipulated his mother into spending money on him instead of paying the bills' is just totally unfair and make your prejudice against this poor child crystal clear.

I certanily didn't mean the naughty/disturbed one should get the trainers and not the other one. Any sensible father or mother would try to treat them the same. I try very hard to treat all my 5 the same although it's impossible for it to be 100% the same all the time.

Sorry, I haven't read all of the post but YANBU, I have been where you are and it's a bloody nightmare. But do you know who blame in all of this, not the child, but your DH and his EX.
DH for not disciplining DSS and letting the whole family suffer. This is not fair on anyone including DSS. He's obviously playing up, because 1) He has no boundaries 2) He's unhappy.

imo children like rules and like boundaries, they know where they stand. From what you have said your ss has come from an environment where he has been allowed to seriously push boundaries and manipulate his mother. He moves into your home and your dh allows him to do the same. As has already been said unless a set of rules for everybody is drawn up he will continue to push and push making it more and more intolerable for everybody. Getting your dh to see that will perhaps be the hardest (it was for me) and getting ss to change will not happen overnight. Consistency is hard but it's what he and everybody needs.
Changing learned behaviour is hard enough but impossible unless everybody is singing from the same sheet.

The problem isn't simple, DH and his ex are to blame for the way that he has been brought up. But OP has never thought of him as being a full member of the family-he has been a visitor-put up with because he is DH's son, not loved in his own right. No effort has been made for the two boys to become brothers. It would be interesting to know for example how OP's extended family treat her three children-is it equal or is one left out?
I think it can be solved if they take Elizabeth's very sensible suggestions and everyone, as Sibble says, sings from the same hymn sheet.