His son moves in, I just want to move out

[JustWantToWalkOut]

I have been married for two years. I have a 10 year old son, DH has a 9 year old son and we have an 18 month old DD together.

When we first got together, his son lived with his mother and we had him on weekends. TBH he was a pain then but he was DH's son and I respected that. Then about 6 months ago, DH said he needed to talk to me about his son moving in with us. His mum was having problems and so on and DSS wanted to move in with us.

I didn't like the idea for a number of reasons. He does not get on with my son and they fight whenever they meet. We only have a 3 bedroomed house meaning my DS would lose his room to a shared room. We didn't have the money for another child and lastly, I knew I could not cope with the lads behaviour.

However I had very little choice in the matter and his son moved in. My DS was devestated.

As soon as he moved in he demanded that "his" (meaning the shared room) was completely re-decorated to his liking. DH did this He demanded a particular school, DH agreed BUT he is at work so I have to take my own DS to school early and then faff about taking dss to his school. He's rude, swears, breaks things. Him and DS are constantly fighting and DH tries to blame my ds as he's "older".

Now DH just spends all of his time with dss, on a saturday morning they go to football, saturday afternoon they go to watch the game. Sunday they go out just the two of them, I never see him anymore.

Almost all of our money goes on him. For instance my DS has been needing some new trainers for weeks. DH knows this and we were supposed to be taking him to buy some on saturday. DSS overheard us talking about it and whilst out at football, convinced his dad to take HIM to get some new trainers, he paid over £50 for them and we could no longer afford to get my DS any and the kid walked in with the most horrible grin.

He gets away with murder. Demands what he wants to tea, turns the TV over whilst people are watching it (DH just laughs it off)

Basically I don't like the kid. I know I'm going to get flamed for saying that but if anyone lived with him for more than a week, they would fully understand. Now our lives are unbearable and I just want to leave.

DH says "you're really going to leave me because I moved my own son in??" AIBU to say "yes"?

The thing is, everything was fine before DSS moved in. DH got on well with DS, they used to go out together, play computer games together, DS loved his baby sister, would look after her and play with her, then he moved in and it all went tits up. I DO see how the DSS must feel, I was 'the other kid' and it does hurt to see your parents move on and create another family, I remember the feeling but I honestly do not think this is the only reason he's playing up, he's been like this for years because his parents (DH included) found it easier to just give in the him all the time.

The incident where he broke DS's nose happened before he even moved in.

I know it seems like putting life on hold for DS but I can honestly say, if I sent DS to live with his dad tomorow (I know nobody is suggesting this) I would still find it very difficult to live with DSS.

I just can't go on living with him. I know it sounds awful but its true. He's just too much. He hurts DD, hurts DS, attacks his father, breaks things ...

For instance, Friday night I thought "right, he's just a child, I WILL make an effort" so I went into the bedroom and he was lying on the bed listening to DS's brand new ipod he isn't allowed to touch it but I tried to let it go and said "I think we need a night out DSS, do you fancy cinema?" he jumped up immediately and said "yeah!" so I played around a bit saying "Popcorn? Mcdonalds for dinner? or shall we just have a nice salad when we get home?" and he laughed along and said "yeah right! Ncdonalds!" etc and I remembered thinking to myself "success, we're sharing a joke!" lol

Anyway he came downstairs, DH said "are you ready?" he said "yes, but I think 'DS' should not come" DS ignored him, I said "why?" so he said "he has lost his ipod, he should stay home and find it". I said "YOU had his ipod a minute ago" so he replied "well I don't have it anymore" etc etc and it ended in a huge row.

I feel for you AND the kids.
I thought i'd put my tuppence worth in lol.

I had something of this sort of .. i know you feel like you wanna strangulate DH and DSS.. unfortunately its illegal..
I know you don't WANT to appear to hate the child, just because he is a kid, doesn't mean he is easy to love, but you are the adult so have to grit your teeth and make an effort.
Well done for trying to involve him in the cooking thing..shame it backfired.
Maybe its just not his thing, or he is feeling so lonely, stressed, unwanted and angry that no matter what you do, you could not possibly hope to do the 'right thing'
DH is being a bit of a nob..but i think he too has assumed you hate his son and wants to make up for that.
What a tangled bloody mess.

IMO..you need to get to know this little boy, and learn to like him and enjoy his company, for it seems that your own son is picking up on your unhappiness and it is also making him angry at what he sees as the reason for his mums' upset, and the upheaval in his life.

Remember as obnoxious as he is, this is a little boy.

Tell your DH this weekend HE is taking out your DS and DD, and you take DSS out.
Ask him to choose something he would like to do.
Try and wheedle in the opportunity to have a chat with him and say something along the lines of, i really do like you but i think somewhere along the line we have got a bit lost. I don't think you are happy with this either, so we need to work at getting on. I would like you to be able to come to me if you are unhappy, ect. I WILL get on with you and we WILL be happy together, but it needs us both to work on it. I am not trying to replace your mum...

You get the drift, whatever you feel you need to say, and make sure it comes from the heart.
Just remember, although this is a child, they CAN be manipulative, as well as anyone else, i am under no illusions on that score, and would not slate you for disliking him, or he you, but putting it on open show is out of order. Yeah, he has been uprooted from his mum. He probably worries about her or feels unwanted. So he has moved in with you and you feel like you have two needy angry upset boys and no support or understanding from DH.
For this you have my sympathy.
And yes, he probably thinks if you disappear from the face of the earth he will live happily ever after with his dad.

He doesn't realise that won't happen..and he doesn't know the impact it will have on him and your whole family, he is just thinking as a child would.

What about your DD? Do you think all of this is worth depriving her of a proper family, which, with a bit of work and give and take from all parties, you and your DS included, because no one of you does not carry a little of the blame here for inflaming or adding to the situation, the only innocent party is your DD probably.

Spend time with him, get to know him, lay your cards on the table, and hopefully he will realise you are not the wicked stepmother..despite (sorry about this) your apparent recent efforts to prove him right..

And you will realise he is just a hurt frightened kid, not someone with the agenda set at pissing you/DS/ anyone else off, and of splitting you up.

I hope i haven't been too harsh. I am speaking as a stepsister, a step child on both mum and dads side, and having had a SM who was adept at showing her absolute hatred of us, to the point my dad lily livered out and stopped coming to see us for over ten years.. I believe i have enough experience.. but not trying to make you feel awful, i am sure you feel that anyway hun.

Wishing you the best of luck whatever you decide to do.

He sounds like a little shit, who will get worse and worse until somebody puts their foot down.
You knew he wasn't to have the ipod though so that was partly your fault for allowing him to bend the rules

Eep

x-posted
True he does sound like a right little damien from the omen

He is pushing buttons and boundaries.
You are stronger than this.. please, don't be disheartened, keep trying even though you feel like you are bashing your head off a brick wall
If you need a rant, come here and do it xx

JWTWO your responsibilty is to your own son. I think space is exactly what your son needs tbh. I feel rotten for him, and you that it has come to this.

If it was my 10 year old talking about suicide, alarm bells would be ringing and I'd be out and away with him as soon as I could be. As a mother, I couldn't think of anything worse than knowing my child was that miserable.

I think you need to renegotiate stuff as a new family. A family therapist could really help with this.

I also think the idea of giving the boys their own rooms and dd sharing with you is a good one. For a while, at least.

You are not pulling together as a family at the moment and that is the real problem imo. I think you all need to change to get through this.

It sounds to me like this has gone way beyond the usual "spend some time with him" type approach, and it goes deeper than just the fact that he moved in with you 6 months ago. His behaviour needs professional help.

I can completely understand why you wouldn't mention the ipod if you were trying to keep things on an even keel.

I,m a step parent too and it is incredibly hard.

I did a lot of reading and rsearch, before I moved in with dp. I discovered this.

Step families need more "space" We always had seperate rooms for ours, even though we can't afford it. It has been a struggle financially, but I think it is unreasonable, to excpect 2 kids who don't know each other well, to share a room. They have been thrown together and expected to share. They are not brothers who have grown up together, but 2 totally different people, with different habits, customs and behaviours.

It is supposed to take at least 5 years for a step family to shake down properly together, and 10 years to meld properly. It is nothing like a natural family, and you have to learn how to respond and be with people.

All ours had teething trouble when they moved in, which peaked at about 6-18 months, and then calmed down...so don't rush into a decision

Your dss sounds an unhappy kid, but you cannot do wonders with him. But be aware that all step parents defend their biological child first (often without realising it), and this can be a source of real ension. Step back from situation and observe reactions

Your ds sounds very very upset. It isn't nice, but all ours went through this. Ds (now 19) wanted to run away (he was 13 at the time). My ds (then 9) had a constant upet stomach and was refereed for ounciling. But now ds (15) and dss are really good friends, and my ds looks up to dss

All I am trying to stay, is it is very very difficult with step families. Tensions and loyalities run much higher than with natural families.

I would try a little bit longer with dss before you alk out, but my top priority would be finding some way of spereating rooms, as ATM the 2 can't escape from each other hich is going to be pretty tough

Arrgh, some of the keys dpn't appear to be working on my computer......

Anyway good luck, and I forgot to say, that we have been together 10 years now, and it is much much easier. The first 2 years were pretty bad, but you have to stick with it

There have been a lot of balanced posts tonight where a good no. of people have tried to see things from all sides and have made some very good suggestions about how things might move forward. (Just thought I'd mention that because it infuriates me so often on here when Stepmums seem to get a disproportionate amount of criticism ..... and it's nice to see some realism & balance).

However ...... all these proposed strategies ...... I guess it boils down to whether the OP feels she can continue to protect her children from further emotional and physical harm while attempts to turn things round continue (for how long ?) She mentioned that SS has also hurt DD - who is an 18 month old baby and cannot be reasonably considered IMO to fall within "accepted" sibling bickering. That's very worrying.

I do think family therapy would be a good idea before ending the relationship completely but I question whether it'd be right for this to happen while everyone remained under the same roof - I feel it would be too risky, and could cause even more damage - particularly to DS, which would then have to be undone as well.

And FWIW, I detest with a passion the lazy, harsh and unsympathetic "you knew what you were getting into" response to any complaint, worry or concern put forward by a stepparent. Of course the OP knew her hsuband had a son, but presumably she thought that future issues regarding any of the children would be tackled by BOTH adults in a fair and even handed manner, which hasn't been the case so far. "Knowing what you were getting into" does NOT give anyone (your partner or another child) carte blanche to shit all over you, or more importantly, your children. Do people really think that prospective stepmums would sign up for that ? As Snowleopard pointed out, no matter what issues and problems SS has, this shouldn't mean that the shit falls on DS's head ..... as I said previously, SS's problems are the responsibility of his dad (albeit aided by his wife) and NOT that of another child.

9 is a hard age I think. I moved in with dp when dss was 7 all was good at first, But around the age of 9 or so dss became very defiant towards me. We have him every weekend. We rode through it and I stuck to my guns. Our house our rules. He is now almost 15 and all is good. You have got to ride it through but it will only work if you and his dad work together. You need to sit and talk with DH and make sure you are singing from the same songsheet as such or it won't work.

Your dh probably feels quite guilty which may accunt for the time he is spending with dss, but he needs to realise that he has reponsibilities to your dd as well...she needs her dad just as much as dss.

Yes, good post Catsmother. I agree with everything you say.

He might feel completely lost as to what to do about things and just be burying his head in the sand too.

Sorry have read throughly through the whole thread now and really feel you need to sit and really really talk to your dh. There is NO WAY that there should be different rules for each child in the house. Rules are for ALL. and if your dh has guilt then thats his problem not yours or the childrens. Demand rules are set out and even written out. It WILL be tough but will only work if stuck to. good luck

Hi. I didn't mean the old 'spend time with him'

I meant practically kidnap him from under his dads nose and spend time with him without having a hovering protective influence ready to bite at the slightest, (DAD) without the OP's DS being there so they can bicker at each other or the op's ds feel angry at this kid for 'upsetting' his mum, OP and DSS need to be ALONE together for the 'talk' to work, but also doing something nice together.

I do admit he doesn't sound like the easiest kid in the world, and just because he is a kid, doesn't mean he is blameless.. just a little less so, and may need a bit more understanding/leeway.

Being a child does not grant immunity from being a complete prick.
Nor from the repercussions of behaving like a complete spoilt little arse.

But an understanding of where these feelings are coming from, for both parties, would be good. Family therapy, yaaaaay. But what about in the interim? What about while the waiting list is ticking?
What about the family and their feelings tonight, tomorrow, and next week?

Something has to be said or done now to at least cool this from boiling point to something a bit more bearable for all involved. An open talk without any interference i believe would stand a bit of a chance of achieving this, just taking the edge off, you know?

Completely agree Kerry it really all depends on how much you value your marriage and how much you BOTH want to work at it. It will take the both of you to make this work though, you will be hitting your head against a brick wall otherwise.

And as I keep saying, read Catmother's earlier posts too! She gives an empathic perspective and darn good advice on this thread.

Also, please talk to your son and reassure him and tell him you want to put a stop to this and protect him, and he has done nothing wrong and you love him. If you haven't already of course!

I would move the 18 month old into your bed room tonight and get those boys into separate rooms for a start. Then I would ensure your own son can lokc up his stuff like his ipod so the other boy doesn't get it. Also the boy needs professional help - he is in all thise serious trouble at school. He's not just a bit naughty. he's very difficult. Then agree with your husband and ideally an expert how best to deal with the step son's behaviour

It all seems a real mess. The boys relationship should have been sorted before you became one family.
I still feel sorry for the DSS because he is a small child who has been displaced. Why did DS have his own bedroom when it is a 3 bedroomed house with three children? DSS was not a visitor, even when he lived with his mother, he was part of the family. It should have been made clear that it was a joint bedroom, with bunk beds if limited space, with joint agreement on decoration. I get the feeling OP wants a family unit with her own DS,DD and DH and poor DSS is a hinderance she has had to put up with. I can see it from DS point of view, he has a step brother he doesn't want or like, but at least he has a place in the family. DH is bound to protect his own son. DSS's behaviour is poor, but I am not surprised, it is too much to ask of any 9yr old-he is jealous. It seems a shame to walk out on it all, I'm sure family therapy could help.