His son moves in, I just want to move out

[JustWantToWalkOut]

I have been married for two years. I have a 10 year old son, DH has a 9 year old son and we have an 18 month old DD together.

When we first got together, his son lived with his mother and we had him on weekends. TBH he was a pain then but he was DH's son and I respected that. Then about 6 months ago, DH said he needed to talk to me about his son moving in with us. His mum was having problems and so on and DSS wanted to move in with us.

I didn't like the idea for a number of reasons. He does not get on with my son and they fight whenever they meet. We only have a 3 bedroomed house meaning my DS would lose his room to a shared room. We didn't have the money for another child and lastly, I knew I could not cope with the lads behaviour.

However I had very little choice in the matter and his son moved in. My DS was devestated.

As soon as he moved in he demanded that "his" (meaning the shared room) was completely re-decorated to his liking. DH did this He demanded a particular school, DH agreed BUT he is at work so I have to take my own DS to school early and then faff about taking dss to his school. He's rude, swears, breaks things. Him and DS are constantly fighting and DH tries to blame my ds as he's "older".

Now DH just spends all of his time with dss, on a saturday morning they go to football, saturday afternoon they go to watch the game. Sunday they go out just the two of them, I never see him anymore.

Almost all of our money goes on him. For instance my DS has been needing some new trainers for weeks. DH knows this and we were supposed to be taking him to buy some on saturday. DSS overheard us talking about it and whilst out at football, convinced his dad to take HIM to get some new trainers, he paid over £50 for them and we could no longer afford to get my DS any and the kid walked in with the most horrible grin.

He gets away with murder. Demands what he wants to tea, turns the TV over whilst people are watching it (DH just laughs it off)

Basically I don't like the kid. I know I'm going to get flamed for saying that but if anyone lived with him for more than a week, they would fully understand. Now our lives are unbearable and I just want to leave.

DH says "you're really going to leave me because I moved my own son in??" AIBU to say "yes"?

It sounds pretty awful for veryone.

YABU to not want him to stay but his behavior and your DH's reaction to his demands needs addressing asap.

I really think that your DH has some serious talking to do with DS.

I feel for your son too so I appreciate that your back is up, but try to imagine your own son in this awful situation. He is only a child.

Well I had a phonecall from school this afternoon. DS had burst out crying at lunch time, he was taken to the office and a teacher asked him what was wrong and he said he wants to live with his dad and he hates living here and if he can't live with his dad, he wants to kill himself.

Needless to say we (me, DS and DD) will be moving out asap.

Thanks for the help and advice.

I am very sorry to hear about your son, thats so sad - but is it just due to the step brother, or are there issues with the step father too? Maybe moving out would be the right thing to do for all concerned, i am really sorry that you couldn't work it out.

FWIW, a child often doesn't really realise the implications of threatening suicide, its more said to express some serious hurt. I think you have alredy made your mind up to move out - but would you consider some sort of family therapy - i think social services would be the ones to approach for a refferal. They are there to help - if you want help that is. A very difficult situation all round, but please try not to blame your DSS, its as much his fault as it is your sons.

Good luck JWTWO, it must be a desperate situation to be in. Of course you must put your own child first. Hope it brings DH to his senses

Think that has made your mind up for you, JWTWO, wishing you lots of love and luck
xxxxx

The poor little sod sounds like he needs love and boundaries. Can''t you find it in your heart to help him? And your dh needs to wise up.

tbh I think she's tried to help him by the sounds of it and it's brought her nothing but heartache. She has to put her own son first, his welfare is suffering and she's not going to stand by and let that happen

Just read your update. I don't think that you need to move out.

It is not necessarily you or your son or daughter that causes the unhappiness? Ask him what he actually wants and what would make him happy. (Does not mean you have to actually do as he says, you are the adult but it would be good to see why he is unhappy).

This is going to sound incredibly harsh, but just as you say DSS knows how to manipulate your DH, so too your DS knows how to manipulate you: in the end, he too has got what he wanted - his mummy back. That, at least, will be how your DH sees it, I'm afraid.

Naturally, both of you want to protect "your own" children.

I would, however, lay marginally more blame at your DH's door, as it does sound as if he's not parenting DSS that well, and, worse, is neglecting your DD.

I'm sorry you weren't able to get on as a family unit.

The teacher did say she has been a teacher for 15 years and in that time has heard numerous children threatning suicide and out of all of them, she knew none of them actually meant it.

But he is very upset and it's me that has put him into this horrible mess. We were fine before all this happened, he was doing well at school, he had friends over, there was no arguining. Now he can't have friends over because of DSS. There is at least one argument a day and DS has started to get into trouble at school, once before christmas for telling a teacher to "fuck off" - he has NEVER swore before all this happened. Even the teacher concerned said she had to do a double take because it was so out of character.

I HAVE tried with dss, my DS has always been a keen cook so I tried dss with this too. One time before he moved in I got him in the kitchen and told him to pick a recipe from the book. He did and we made it together (his turn on the saturday, DS on sunday) he seemed to enjoy it until afterwards when he blurted out "now I'm a fucking slave cooking for everybody! and by the way, I spat in it" etc.

He's impossible to get along with and I will NOT have him ruining my DS's life.

When I told DH I was leaving he replied "and you say I give in to MY son? at least I don't go and break up a family for him" etc. The whole thing is just impossible.

Oh sorry just realised that its your son who cried at school. Sorry I assumed it was your step son.

Catsmother's brilliant posts made a lot of sense and got glossed over. I urge you to reread them. I feel sorry for all concerned but especially sorry for the OP's son who has asked for none of this and really has been treated like bottom of the pile.

If you do feel you are able to salvage things with dh, then your boys need separate space - convert garage, attic, dining room. How terrible not even be able to relax into your own space at night but to be constantly tense and made to feel an outsider.

And dh and you need some parenting guidance so that you learn to parent together.

JWTWO, YOU have not put your DS in this awful mess. I just think that this awful mess is what sometimes happens. The boys don't get on - and really, its not surprising - they are being expected to take a place in a whole new family, it must be very weird, at the very least. I really can see how both children feel - can you imagine how your DSS must have felt, his dad went to live with another woman AND her son, and THEN they have a baby together. Now look - im not judging, just totally putting it over how it would have appeared to the boy - i don't think anyone has acted in the wrong here - maybe been misguided and you and your DH should have been a bit more "together" about how things were handled. Your Son on the other hand has had to move in with someone who is not his dad, have another boy move in AND have a new baby sister to share mum with. I just think that the easiest thing for the two boys to do was to take it out on each other. Your son is lucky, he has a mum who clearly loves him but your DSS has been rejected by his (regardless of circumstances thats how he feels). The jealousy and resentment must have been terrible. I can see it from all angles. Throw in two parents who are probably trying to over accomodate their own children (totally understandable) then you have a recipe for almost a disaster.

SO - what to do, what to do indeed? You love this man? You have his DD which i assume you adore, as he will. YOU cannot put YOUR life on hold for your son - it is possible to have relationships, if handled correctly. How did your son feel about the marriage in the first place? Did he ever really tell you? It just seems such a shame that you guys are having to split. I do think your attitude towards the step son was wrong, but i cannot hand on heart say that i would have been any different and i applaude you for posting so honestly.

Maybe move out, with a view to working things out - getting some family therapy - the step son in the very least sounds like he needs some outside help. I just think that there is the potential for a happy family here. But only you know how you are going to feel and if you feel that nothing would make you like your DSS then im sorry but i don't think things will ever really work out.

Am I being unreasonable to think that it may well have been a minefield between the two lads if they were brothers, as siblings often fight. Im just saying this, because, maybe, if the OP does move out with her son and the boys are not forced together at first, but maybe get to know each other when each of them isn't a perceived threat, then maybe just maybe, something can be salvaged here.

JWTWO - sometimes step families just do not work, I have a massive amount of respect for people who do make it work, but for some people and I totally understand how you feel, I would too it's an ask too far.
If the childs own mother couldn't deal with him, how the hell were you ever going to manage with absolutely no back up from your DH.
I think the three of you will be so much happier away from this man and his horrible brat.

How utterly awful for you all.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all tbh. You've tried, it hasn't worked. You are not a bad person, or a bad mother for wanting to protect your own child from what you see to be a very bad influence. He's sounds like a horrible little boy (dss), however that isn't his fault at the end of the day.

I feel completely awful for your ds, and I applaud you for staying as long as you did to try and make it work. I would have been out of there a while ago if it was affecting my own child that much.

As far as I can see, the main problem lays at your dh's feet in him not parenting his son effectively and laying down firm boundries. It would drive me crazy.

The Op is doing nothing wrong in wanting to make her son happy again. Clearly this situation isn't working. If your dh is blind to all of this right now, perhaps he'll come around once you've left.

I truly hope your son feels better soon.

I was reading through the thread and even before I got to the bit about what your DS said at school, I was going to post "I am so sorry for your DS". I agree it's not your DSS's fault that he is being allowed to behave like this and has been from an early age. But that doesn't mean the shit should land on your poor DS's head. He is 10, he had the privacy of his own room and then a monstrously behaved, rude, selfish idiot (from his POV), who gets things instead of him, was allowed to muscle in. I would have been devastated too.

I can see space is tight but I would have moved the 18mo back into your room with you, rather than make these boys share a room. The very least your DS needs is a place to escape from all of this.

If that's not possible, I'd leave too.