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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

His son moves in, I just want to move out

131 replies

JustWantToWalkOut · 12/01/2009 13:39

I have been married for two years. I have a 10 year old son, DH has a 9 year old son and we have an 18 month old DD together.

When we first got together, his son lived with his mother and we had him on weekends. TBH he was a pain then but he was DH's son and I respected that. Then about 6 months ago, DH said he needed to talk to me about his son moving in with us. His mum was having problems and so on and DSS wanted to move in with us.

I didn't like the idea for a number of reasons. He does not get on with my son and they fight whenever they meet. We only have a 3 bedroomed house meaning my DS would lose his room to a shared room. We didn't have the money for another child and lastly, I knew I could not cope with the lads behaviour.

However I had very little choice in the matter and his son moved in. My DS was devestated.

As soon as he moved in he demanded that "his" (meaning the shared room) was completely re-decorated to his liking. DH did this He demanded a particular school, DH agreed BUT he is at work so I have to take my own DS to school early and then faff about taking dss to his school. He's rude, swears, breaks things. Him and DS are constantly fighting and DH tries to blame my ds as he's "older".

Now DH just spends all of his time with dss, on a saturday morning they go to football, saturday afternoon they go to watch the game. Sunday they go out just the two of them, I never see him anymore.

Almost all of our money goes on him. For instance my DS has been needing some new trainers for weeks. DH knows this and we were supposed to be taking him to buy some on saturday. DSS overheard us talking about it and whilst out at football, convinced his dad to take HIM to get some new trainers, he paid over £50 for them and we could no longer afford to get my DS any and the kid walked in with the most horrible grin.

He gets away with murder. Demands what he wants to tea, turns the TV over whilst people are watching it (DH just laughs it off)

Basically I don't like the kid. I know I'm going to get flamed for saying that but if anyone lived with him for more than a week, they would fully understand. Now our lives are unbearable and I just want to leave.

DH says "you're really going to leave me because I moved my own son in??" AIBU to say "yes"?

OP posts:
Monkeytrousers · 12/01/2009 14:49

I also know you need to put the needs of your own child first. I agree. It's a toughie

Monkeytrousers · 12/01/2009 14:54

Maybe even - if you can afford it/manage it moveout while waiting for a referral. That might help your DH see how serious this is and get him to deal with it properly. It might speed the process up too. You'lloly end up tiwht two angry boys to manage in the house otherwise and that's not what you want. YOu DH needs to understand that, but also he needs to feel supported I guess. What kind of a dad will he feel if he has to abandon his own child. It's a good thing in that way - you know he's a commited kind of guy. If you can help him see a way in which you both win - you get help for dss and the famnily without sacrificing your own child, then it might be easier for him to deal with.

revjustaboutlikesvests · 12/01/2009 15:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrsjammi · 12/01/2009 15:53

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LucyEllensmummy · 12/01/2009 15:59

You know, I think this is a horrible situation for all of the CHILDREN involved in this.

Firstly, your son has a step dad who doesn;t really sound like he pays him much attention. Then your step son has a step mum who, from what i have read here, struggles to mask her dislike for him.

Is there any wonder there is discord in the house. We have two boys vying for attention, insecure because they have been hoisted into this situation where both parents have new partners (im not judging, my DD is from a previous relationship, its not been without its serious problems).

You DSS must be feeling it even more im afraid, his mum hasn't been able to "cope" with him. He sounds like he has had a shite upbringing, bullying at nursery - there is usually a reason for children behaving like this.

So, what are you going to do? Break up a second family? All go your separate ways? You know what, the boys would probably fight and bicker if they were true siblings, i know my neice and nephew were like cat and dog.

I think both you and your partner need to assess whether you can step up to the whole step parenting thing - its badly effecting all of your children. Of course you are going to stick up for your own and your DH the same, but you both need to be the grown ups here and think about what is best for the children. If you can't change your attitude towards "the kid" (nice!) then i think my answer would be one you wont want to hear.

LucyEllensmummy · 12/01/2009 16:02

Im sorry, my post appears harsh, i didnt mean to be quite so blunt. I do respect you both because i simply couldnt take on another womans child. I just know i would be horribly unfair as i woudlnt be able to hide my feelings. Its been hard for my DP too, but he hasn't done a bad job really - far from perfect. So please dont think im criticising you because you are doing something i know i couldnt do in a month of sundays.

WAves at the Rev! (you are referring to nookie AGAIN!!)

pinkdelight · 12/01/2009 16:03

I thought you were just using walking out as a way of expressing how strongly you felt. I can't believe you really would move out or that people would advise you to in this situation. This kid is evidence of the damage broken homes can do. Tough though it will be - and you're only a week into what will be a long process of learning to live together - this really has to make your family stronger, not break it apart. Like everyone's said, your DH has a huge role to play, but you have to be incredibly strong and selfless too and show this kid how a good family functions, because you sound like a great mum which is what he really needs (as well as a kick up the bum!). Of course you want to protect your own and this kid is pushing you to the brink, but isn't that when you have to love them most? And I know you don't even like him right now, but you don't have to like your family and you really can't bail out on them unless you're in mortal danger. This doesn't sound like that kind of crisis. Just a very unpleasant situation, inevitably. Give it time, get DH onside, get help wherever you can and please don't give up! Sorry to bang on so long, but my heart really goes out to you.

mrsjammi · 12/01/2009 16:06

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georgimama · 12/01/2009 16:11

"We didn't have the money for another child and lastly, I knew I could not cope with the lads behaviour."

Sorry, but your DSS is not an optional extra. You knew your husband had a child when you got involved with him. He is not an "extra" child. If anything, your DD is the "extra".

That sounds like a nasty thing for me to say, doesn't it? Well that's how it sounds when you say it about your husband's own child.

I feel sorry for all the children in this.

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 12/01/2009 16:23

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piscesmoon · 12/01/2009 16:26

YABU. You knew that your DH came as a package with his DS, in the same way that your DS came as a package. You both have three DCs with equal rights. You step son is a damaged child, he senses that you don't want him and don't love him so of course he is difficult. You are the adult, he is only a child.You have to find a way to accommodate him.
Your DS doesn't want him in the house. You don't want him in the house, therefore your DH over compensates for your combined hostility. I am sure that you would do the same if your DS was being treated like a cuckoo in the nest.
He is, as Georgimama says, not an optional extra.
I think you need to seek outside help.

georgimama · 12/01/2009 16:27

I completely agreed with your post Reality!

noonki · 12/01/2009 16:50

As a step parent I will second MrsJammi who says that it is hard, it's like being a normal parent with lots of complications on top.

But as you are BOTH step parents and as has been said before only you can change the situation.

You basically have to a two options

  1. stay together and become a family

you do not have choice if your DSS stays. He is 'part of the package' as they say, and is just as important part of the family as your DS.

  1. Move into separate houses.

I work with a woman who has been with the same man for 35 years. They live a few roads apart and have never lived together. They initally didnt as their children (both 3 at that time) really didnt get on. They have to be one of the happiest couples I know.

You will need to get some counselling as a family and sort out some ground rules. It will only get worse other wise.

YOu need to remember that your DSS is still a child and his behaviour can change depending on how you both treat him.

noonki · 12/01/2009 16:51

oh forgot you can also split up if it is that bad. But if I were you I would try one of the other options first.

revjustaboutlikesvests · 12/01/2009 17:31

This reply has been deleted

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Kimi · 12/01/2009 17:48

Tell him that you are not moving out because his son moved in, you are moving out because he lets the child get away with murder, he is not taking time with his daughter or your son and the family are suffering.

can the child not go back to his mother?

KerryMumbles · 12/01/2009 17:51

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sibble · 12/01/2009 18:01

As another step parent I ditto mrsjammi and other similar posts. dh and I have been together for 13 years and the only times we have every argued, fallen out or I've thought about throwing in the towel have been over dss. dh behaved exactly the same as your dh towards his ds, he's now 17 and we are all paying the price, especially dss. You need to somehow (and I don't know how apart from counseling which may or may not work!) make you dh sit up and listen his guilt will not go away, the issues will not go away, they will get worse and worse until everybody is unhappy and affected. The biggest losers the children.

dh now constantly says 'he wishes he had listened to me' too late at 17. dss has been expelled from a number of schools, regularly is using drugs, has run away from home and alot more but is still bailed out by his useless mother who says it's not his fault - and she's right it our fault for not being harder when he was younger. You are now one unit with one set of rules. You need to work out your house rules and they go for everybody with no exceptions. It will be very hard and I don't envy you but in the long run it's the best for everybody.

And believe me I do know how horrid it is to feel uncomfortable and on egg shells constantly in your own home.

I wish you all the luck.

LucyEllensmummy · 12/01/2009 18:05

don't worry, its all healthy!!

piscesmoon · 12/01/2009 19:09

If anyone of either sex meets a new partner with a DC they should walk away at the start if they are not prepared to live with the partners DC. I feel so sorry for the poor little lad, he has problems with his mother, and his father has a new family and they don't want him! He is then in trouble for being difficult!! He is a 9 year old child.

cornsilk · 12/01/2009 19:13

Exactly piscesmoon.

beanieb · 12/01/2009 19:19

Practically I think you need to sit down with your DH and talk about your money. How was this worked out between you before your DSS moved in and has this changed? Perhaps it needs re-negotiating? This should include any benefits you both get for your own children and the child you have together.

Perhaps you also need to do something to tackle your obvious negative feelings towards your DSS which seem to have been around since before he moved in. When did this negativity start and is there anything you can think of that you can do to change?

I think your husband was in the wrong to go ahead and re-decorate your DS's room the way he wanted it, there should have at least been some joint discussion and decision making from your son and it obvioulsy must have made him feel pushed out. Did you talk to your DH at all at the time, to try to change the way he went about it?

piscesmoon · 12/01/2009 19:20

It seems to me that OP thinks the step son was never part of the family because he lived with the mother. He must have had problems from the start seeing his father living with another child while he was excluded. OP is also failing to see that both boys have the same, close relationship with her DD. He must be horribly jealous. Before they got married and had a joint child they needed to sort out the relationship of the two boys. I think at this stage it needs outside help. Step son is very jealous and DH is compensating. Things won't change until DH is happy that his son is as much a part of the family as his step son. He is not a second class child or the optional extra.

beanieb · 12/01/2009 19:21

and listen to missingtheaction, she speaks the truth.

Surfermum · 12/01/2009 19:25

But she is prepared to live with her dss though - he's living with her now and has been for 6 months. All she is doing is saying she is finding it difficult and is coming here for some support and advice.

It's no different to someone posting that they are finding their own child's behaviour difficult and challenging. No-one posts "well you should have thought about that when you decided to get pregnant".

This is no different IMO, except it's not her child and she seems to have little control over how to change her situation because her dh won't work with her to improve things.