.. to think it wasn't up to nursery staff to tell DD this?

[HollyCherry]

Just interested in opinions really.

DD is 4.3 and last night gave me a big soppy hug and said, "I want to marry you when I grow up"

I told her that girls can't marry girls, to which she replied - "Yes they can - x at nursery says girls can marry girls and boys can marry boys"

I have a feeling I'm going to get flamed for even raising the subject - but I really don't expect the nursery to be filling a 4 year old in on these kind of details?

It's the truth and there is no harm in the nursery telling her. YABU

it's the truth. Why lie.

the OP asked for opinions. Whatever you or hte OP might say, IMO I think it is unlikely that she was upset about the technical difference not being explained properly, and more likely that she objected to her DD being told about same sex relationships. IMO this makes her prejudiced and homophobic, in the same way that I would have no hesitation in calling someone who objects to their DC being told about inter racial relationships a racist.

Milly - just to clarify - I agree that it isn't an 'adult issue'. Adult issues are mortgages, credit crunch, pensions etc!!

I was just making the point that I think it's odd for the OP to worry about overburdening her DD, while at the same time making a big deal about a technicality.

Most gay couples I know who have had a civil partnership describe themselves as 'married' and also many of them would be married if they had the choice - so it's daft to get hung up about the technical differences

I agree with the majority. Its the truth (unless you'd prefer to get technical with a 4 yr old) so why on earth would they lie?

There is nothing wrong with same sex relationships and there is nothing to shelter our children from. The more open we are, the more tolerant they will be be. JMO.

I suppose this comes under the 'grey area' of questions from children. We like to think we're all right on and comfortable with gay relationships male or female when actually when presented to our children, we're not. My SIL is gay but it isn't discussed openly or even referred to in our family. FIL apparently doesn't know (MIL says he wouldn't approve but I think he'd be fine it's more MIL doesn't approve) We know she lives with her partner and I would love her to be involved in both my ds's life but that will never happen. If ds asks questions I do answer them honestly, yes men can 'marry' men and women can 'marry' women. I am knowledgable of the differences but he is too young to need to know. I think there needs to be some sort of document (nursery policy)that parents can access about such issues also things such as the tooth fairy and maybe Father Christmas as clearly we don't tell them the truth there do we? If it as a subject you have strong feelings for then maybe you should have discussed this with the nursery.

My DD wants to marry her dad or her brother and my son wants to marry me. I have told them they can't and I have told them boys can't marry boys and girls can't marry girls. In my opinion same sex couples are having civil partnerships not marriages.

I really wouldn't have the slightest problem with this if it were my dd. I am a practising Catholic and take my children to church, but I also have gay and lesbian friends, and in fact the first wedding my children attended was a same sex civil partnership.

I have explained it to my dd that while usually (statistically speaking) girls marry boys, what's most important of all is that you marry someone who makes you happy and who you love very much. I think that's all she needs to know at the moment but I will happily explain more as she gets older. I want my children's understanding to reflect the society in which we live.

And I know that a civil partnership isn't the same in legal terms as a marriage, but do we really need to split hairs? We're talking about 4 y.os FFS.

My immediate response to the marriage proposal would have been "What a lovely thing to say!" and left it.

I assume then NAB, and hollycherry, the OP, that your children know the difference between civil partnerships and marriage, and understand that while males can't marry males, they can enter into a legal partnership which is generally viewed by society as having strong similarities to marriage, and that this partnership is entered into because the couple love each other?

Technically you're right nab but will they understand the difference between marriage and civil partnerships? Did you go on the explain to them? If not they will probably think that living together under the unmbrella term of 'marriage' that it will be the same as what you and your dp do. Which, I think you'll find, is actually true. My SIL and her grilfriend, I assume as it is never discussed, still share a bed, a mortgage and other worries we all have.

I very much doubt my kids do know. The other day one of my kids thought that DH and I had been brother and sister before getting married!

NAB3lovelychildren, I think that is fine. You are their parent and that is your choice. If you haven't talked to your children about civil partnerships; that is also fine.

But the OP is talking about a nursery. Nursery staff can't pretend that gay relationships do not exist, and they can't be expected to explain to a 4 year old the difference between a civil partnership and a marriage.

I supoose it's a drip, drip situation. I will tell my sons about their aunty should the need arise or in any case I won't make a song and dance about it and be honest when and if the time comes that they ask any questions. (Would love to see the face of MIL should ds tell her!) It is also interesting to note that some hetrosexual couples have civil partnerships in that they go absolutely no where near religion and 'marry' in a registry office. My brother did this with his wife.

DMWBOH, feel free not to answer if you find the question intrusive, but why do your children not have a relationship with your SIL or SIL's partner (wasn't sure which you meant)?

A straight couple get married in a registry office; they do not have a civil partnership. I got married in a registry office and was given a marriage certificate, not a civil partnership certificate.

If the important part of your marriage was the imaginary-friend-superstition bit then bully for you but that doesn't apply to other people and is not relevant to them.

And the nursery were quite right to answer a question with 'yes, girls can marry girls and boys can marry boys.' That's the truth: the difference between civil partnership, civil wedding and religious marriage is a bit too complicated and tedious for a 4 year old.

I tell my DDs that as well. It's the truth and one of my oldest friends has recently got married to her girlfriend.
It is legal in this country!

I don't see why you are getting upset, it is the truth-are nursery staff supposed to lie if the subject comes up?

I think the nursery acted exactly as they should have. I don't quite get the 'marriage is only for heterosexuals/procreation thing as a distinction between marriage and civil partnerships. So if a heterosexual couple got married with the intention of never having children, or only adopting them, would that be acceptable? If it is, then why shouldn't a gay couple be able to get married in church? The bible condemns sleeping around, heterosexual or otherwise, says nothing about loving relationships between 2 people. Very clear in its omittance IMO. Doesn't stop people claimg otherwise, obviously.

I don't think the OP's religious marriage should be irrelevant to other people. I respect her views, and a nursery respects religion by doing stuff on christmas, divali etc.

But a nursery can't be expected to explain the religious marriage concept any more than it can explain a civil partnership.

The OP may view her marriage as religious, but some christians from other denominations will view her marriage as no different from a civil marriage, as she wasn't married in their church. A nursery can't go into that detail either.

The nursery did the right thing; gay relationship is simple to explain, but religious view on relationships are too complicated to explain to young children except within the family.

Milly -we have contact with SIL as she does with Dh's family but she lives in a different country with her partner. We have no contact (or supposed knowledge) of her partner. Her other sister (dh's other sister) knows and shares her life in full but we are apparently homephobic so she won't tell us (so says my bf whom she told all this on my hen night) I find the whole situation very sad in that she can't tell us of her life and we can't share her life as we try to share ours. She talks of 'someone' buying her a birthday present of a ride in a balloon if you say that's a really nice present! She'll change the subject as it's a little too close for comfort. I just feel she lives half a life with her family and another half of a life with her partner.

Civil partnership and marriage are not the same. All those posters asking the op why she wanted the nursery to lie are missing this crucial point.

Equally, they are missing the point that boys can't marry boys and girls can't marry girls - children can't get married. If I had been at the nursery I would have made a joke and pointed out that children can't marry each other, it's for grown ups. Completely side steps the whole homosexuality issue.

I'm also surprised at the person who is surprised that a four year old doesn't know any gay people. MY DS doesn't know any gay people. He just doesn't. Sorry if that instantly makes me a bigot in your eyes.