Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

.. to think it wasn't up to nursery staff to tell DD this?

226 replies

HollyCherry · 31/12/2008 12:16

Just interested in opinions really.

DD is 4.3 and last night gave me a big soppy hug and said, "I want to marry you when I grow up"

I told her that girls can't marry girls, to which she replied - "Yes they can - x at nursery says girls can marry girls and boys can marry boys"

I have a feeling I'm going to get flamed for even raising the subject - but I really don't expect the nursery to be filling a 4 year old in on these kind of details?

OP posts:
sparklesandwine · 31/12/2008 12:28

what you should have said is 'girls can marry girls but i can't marry you because i'm your mummy'

there more open we are with our dc now the less prejudices there will be in the future

i'm not saying you, the op, have any prejudices i'm talking people in general

all my children, who are able to understand, know boys can love boys and girls can love girls its not an issue its just fact

sparklesandwine · 31/12/2008 12:28

what you should have said is 'girls can marry girls but i can't marry you because i'm your mummy'

there more open we are with our dc now the less prejudices there will be in the future

i'm not saying you, the op, have any prejudices i'm talking people in general

all my children, who are able to understand, know boys can love boys and girls can love girls its not an issue its just fact

Original poster
HollyCherry · 31/12/2008 12:29

Thanks littleducks - I'm glad it's not just me - even if it appears there are only 2 of us.

I have absolutely nothing against same sex relationships or civil partnerships - I think they are a great idea and am all for gay couples having the same rights as heterosexual ones, just a bit about it being referred to as a marriage, which as littleducks pointed out - it isn't.

I guess this is what comes of being a practising Christian, which let's face it is a cardinal sin in the UK these days...

OP posts:
AMumInScotland · 31/12/2008 12:30

I don't think 4 is too young to know that som girls "fall in love with" other girls, and can "marry" them, although technically a civil partnership is not exactly the same as marriage it is very much the equivalent in the opinion of most of society. If the nursery started explaining the physical sexual side of relationships (homosexual or heterosexual) I'd be concerned, as that's something that should be taught in collaboration with parents. But I don't see any problem in the nursery acknowledging that same sex relationships exist.

aGalChangedHerName · 31/12/2008 12:31

Civil partnership or marriage??

I think when dc are a bit older you can expalin the difference.

I am sure for those couples who have a "civil parrnership" it feels just the same as being married anyway fgs!!

MillyR · 31/12/2008 12:33

A civil partnership is not a marriage, so a same sex marriage is not possible. I don't think that it would be possible to explain the difference to a 4 year old, so it is easier just to say that they can get married.

I don't understand what you mean by 'this kind of detail'?

It is not a detail; it is a completely ordinary situation, like the existence of dentists. Does your child not know any gay people at all? How is that possible?

AMumInScotland · 31/12/2008 12:33

If you are completely OK about same sex relationships, what's wrong about referring to them as "marriage" if they are equivalent in terms of legal and moral responsibilities?

wb · 31/12/2008 12:35

Ds1 (3) 'married' me last night. Then he married daddy (drew the line at marrying ds2 tho). Not sure he needed to know it would be illegal under the incest laws/common decency - if he brings it up again as a teenager we'll have to take it more seriously

It wouldn't bother me if nursery staff said that to him, it is true. As long as info is given an an age-appropriate manner. It also seems better to drip feed this type of info as and when the topic comes up (I do want my kids to be aware of gay relationships but envisage doing this bit by bit rather than sitting him down for the bees and bees chat).

Leo9 · 31/12/2008 12:36

DS was 4 when this came up at school and he mentioned it - we did explain the difference between civil partners and a marriage and he took it in fine. It was very cute - he said a boy at school wanted to be 'sevral partners' with him!!

I think it is good to talk openly about it and be honest and un-prejudiced but I also think it's important to put it in context for them; it is not an easy path, still; people are still beaten up, discriminated against etc for being gay and I think it is important to let them know this as they get older - because it's the truth.

Original poster
HollyCherry · 31/12/2008 12:36

OK - am probably overreacting a bit - it's just a constant shock some of the stuff she's coming out with these days - especially that she picks up at nursery.

FWIW I am more than happy for her to know that boys can love boys and girls can love girls, and am very proud of the fact that she has never shown any differentiation between people on any other grounds ie colour.

Will bugger off now before I get shot!

OP posts:
Thunderduck · 31/12/2008 12:38

I consider civil partnerships equal to a marriage in every way. If they are denied any rights that those who are 'married'' have then that's completely wrong.

littleducks · 31/12/2008 12:38

maybe it is a religious thing then, the most important part of my marriage to me is the promises and contract i entered into with my husband and made before God, which is why i see civil partnerships as different thing entirely as there is not that element

my marriage isnt even legally valid here but i suppose if you arent religious my reasons arent part of it and a civil partnership would be more similar to a non religous marriage

sparklesandwine · 31/12/2008 12:38

AMumInScotland - you say what i want to say, so i shall just sit back and nod along if thats ok

Original poster
HollyCherry · 31/12/2008 12:39

Just wanted to point out that we don't know any gay couples,

We suspect one of DH's mates might be, although he has never said as much and insists he is 90% straight!

DSIL's sister is gay, and I get on very well with her but they are not local and we haven't seen her since DD was tiny so...

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 31/12/2008 12:41

the nursery told the truth

same sex's can marry

tbh suprised nursery said that to your daughter, but was prob just a passing comment

Lulumama · 31/12/2008 12:42

unless you make a huge deal out of it, it won;t be an issue....

gay couples can have a'marriage' , splitting hairs to say a civil partnership is a different thing

your DD did not presumably t hen ask for an in depth discussion of hetero v homosexuality, so leave it as a throw away comment

Original poster
HollyCherry · 31/12/2008 12:42

Yes - Littleducks - it's the same for me, although I then have to question how I feel about civil weddings between heterosexual couples, and obviously I don't think any less of them so it's a tricky one.

I think I am probably just a little confused about it myself and for me it is more of a language thing than a culture thing, as I've said I have no objection to same sex relationships at all, but for me the whole marriage and children thing has it's foundations in my faith, so I don't see it in quite the same way.

OP posts:
MillyR · 31/12/2008 12:48

How could the nursery possibly say anything else? Suppose there was a child in the room who had two Mothers or was related to a gay couple.

Civil partnerships are not the same as non religious marriages. Many gay people are practising Christians (or other faiths), but have a civil partnership because they are not allowed to have a church service.

mawbroon · 31/12/2008 12:52

I have no objection to what the OPs dd was told, I often find myself having to answer mindees questions on all sorts of things, including death and other sensitive subjects. I don't feel that it is for me as a carer to brush these things under the carpet, but all my answers are (hopefully) age apporiate for those involved.

IAmTheNewQueenOfMN · 31/12/2008 12:56

I think you are awfully weird to be bothered at all by this

were you going to lie to your dc so that they didn't know about homosexuality?

TeenyTinyTorya · 31/12/2008 12:59

YABU - it's a truthful answer, and I wouldn't have any objection to my ds knowing this.

smittenkitten · 31/12/2008 13:11

I don't believe your objection is your DD being 'misled' about the very technical differences between a marriage and a civil partnership - I think you object to your DD being told about gay couples. I can't imagine you posting on here if nursery had told her that black people can marry white people.

this means your discomfort is rooted in homophobia and prejudice.

findtheriver · 31/12/2008 13:16

Woah smitten... that's harsh. If the OP says her objection is that her dd was told something which is technically inaccurate then I think we have to accept what she says. To say that you know her views better than she does is unreasonable.

I just find it strange that someone would be so hung up about the technical difference, while at the same time feeling that as a child, her dd shouldn't be overburdened with 'adult' issues.

AMumInScotland · 31/12/2008 13:21

I don't think it's automatically a religious thing - I'm a Christian and would have no problem with same-sex marriage in church. Some people are straight and some are gay. Few people in either category feel called to lifelong celibacy. Therefore they are going to have sex. Christianity teaches that the best context for sex is in a lifelong committed relationship, which is supportive and sexually faithful, and we've generally encouraged people to try to have those sorts of relationships by supporting the concept of marriage.

Therefore we should positively encourage gay people to have stable relationships and get married, and have their relationship blessed before God if they believe in that, and help and support them within those marriages, though obviously also accepting the reality of failed marriages and being supportive of people when that happens too.

MillyR · 31/12/2008 13:22

It isn't an adult issue!! That is what I really take issue with. For children being brought up by gay parents, or who have a gay Aunt or Uncle, or grandparent, or next door neighbour, it is not an issue at all! it is a normal part of their life as a child that same sex couples exist.

The OP said to her child that a girl could not marry a girl. She did not then say, but they can make a life long commitment to each other and any children they have together through a civil partnership! Her no, they can't was far more misleading than the technicality of the nursery saying they could get married.