Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make DS2 clean the entire house?

233 replies

MrsSnape · 19/12/2008 17:50

In the past few months DS2 (7) has:

Kicked a hole in his bedroom door
drawn all over his bedroom door in felt tip/biro
wiped poo on the bathroom wall because he couldn't be bothered to change the bog roll
Dropped endless food on the living room floor.
Spilt drinks all over the sofa
Wiped red paint all over the hallway wall
Riped my leather computer chair because he was 'bored'
Got red 'fake blood' all over DS1's carpet which will not come out
Wiped grubby hands on the sofa instead on going to wash them properly

And just now he had bolognese on his hands and I caught him casually wiping it on living room radiator.

Sick to death of it, he has no respect for anything.

I'm thinking tomorow I will give him so anti-bacterial wipes and send him around the house cleaning from top to bottom. Just like I have to every day.

AIBU?

OP posts:
piscesmoon · 20/12/2008 13:58

You just have to be consistent. You can't let him get away with something one day and get cross about the same thing another day. Putting a sweet paper in the bin is an example, if you don't stop him throwing it on the floor he will grow up without giving it any thought.

slayerette · 20/12/2008 14:10

I think it's a question of showing your DS that you have certain expectations that you assume will be met - no questioning/debate/argument - and that sanctions will follow if they are not. And I do pick up my DS on little things - like the sweet wrapper, say - and as a result, bigger things have not really come up yet (he's only 5 so time yet - not wanting to be a smug mummy!). He knows, for instance, that when he gets changed after school, shirt and socks go straight in the laundry - he doesn't always remember but knows that's the rule, iyswim - he knows that that's what's expected. And please and thankyou and asking if he can get down from the table and wiping hands are all routine.

Coldtits · 20/12/2008 14:11

MrsSnape, you know that I more than anyone else know what it is like to have a child who makes you look like a bad mother.

Try 1-2-3-magic. It REALLY does work. there are no complex rules or rewards for them to learn, bargain with or try to manipulate. The rule is "Do what I have asked you to do by the time I count to three or I will sanction you"

My son argued with star charts, punishments, time outs, even with what the rules were in the first place. Now, 9 times out of 10, he does what I say by the time I've counted to two.

there is NO TWO-AND-A-HALF-. When you get to three, you must sanction him, and after you have sanctioned him a few times, he will probably start to obey you.

MrsMagooo · 20/12/2008 14:22

I think it is unreasonable to make him clean the entire house.

However I agree that when he makes a mess he should be made to clean it but immediately after the incident has occured.

DD (who is 2 & a half) pulled some decs of the tree & broke them into little bits & threw them all over the floor - so I took her to the kitchen fetched the dustpan & brush & I made her sweep it all up whilst I held the pan.

chloemegjess · 20/12/2008 15:59

If the comment about blaming it on the school was at me, I was not, at all. I am just trying to point out that it is much more effective for poor behavior when the school and parents can work together to tackle bad behavior.

aam · 20/12/2008 16:15

Typical - let's reward bad behaviour with Nintendo Wii. Well done. There's your answer to his issues. A mother who is incapable of telling her precious child off.

Seriously though,if he's this bad at 7 I dread to yhink what he's going to be like at 17.

Coldtits · 20/12/2008 16:42

aam.

The child did not want the Wii, it's his older brother wants the Wii and the older brother is being rewarded.

Children who behave THIS badly often do have issues other than parenting problems. All children are different, behavioral problems are a sliding scale, not an on/off switch, and (personally) far from being AFRAID to tell my child off, I tell him off so much (and effectively too) that I get sick of the sound of my own voice.

You sound like my health visitor who, when I told her ds1 wasn't speaking, replied "Well, do you speak to him?" You've already decided, apropos of nothing, that you know exactly what the problem is, and as usual of Daily Hate Mailers, the mother is Doing It Wrong Again.

Coldtits · 20/12/2008 16:42

aam.

The child did not want the Wii, it's his older brother wants the Wii and the older brother is being rewarded.

Children who behave THIS badly often do have issues other than parenting problems. All children are different, behavioral problems are a sliding scale, not an on/off switch, and (personally) far from being AFRAID to tell my child off, I tell him off so much (and effectively too) that I get sick of the sound of my own voice.

You sound like my health visitor who, when I told her ds1 wasn't speaking, replied "Well, do you speak to him?" You've already decided, apropos of nothing, that you know exactly what the problem is, and as usual of Daily Hate Mailers, the mother is Doing It Wrong Again.

Reallytired · 20/12/2008 16:43

It think you are being really nasty amm. I hope that God sends you a complete and utter torando if you ever have another child. Then you would know what its like to be demoralised by those with "perfect" children.

Ofcourse children who are challenging should get christmas presents. No child at the age of seven is evil. If MrsSnape has the money to buy a nintendo Wii then good luck to her.

MrsSnape needs support, if she was a bad mother then she wouldn't care about her son's behaviour.

I have been on both sides of the fence although I only have one child. My son was nearly kicked out of pre school at the age of two years and eight months. (He was severely deaf and they couldn't cope) We had no idea that he had hearing problems and loads of people blamed my awful parenting.

Yet, a few years later, my son got a comment on his school report that he is exceptionally well behaved. Yet, my parenting is the same the only thing that has changed is him getting help with his hearing.

Lotster · 20/12/2008 16:55

bit harsh amm.

This lady is obviously trying to explore her problem and find a new approach, sticking the boot in won't get her there.

Mrs Snape, you've had some good advice here, the behaviour isn't normal, and no doubt attention seeking. Getting more professional advice would be good support for you. YABU to make him clean the whole house at 7, but you are absolutely not U to make him clean his own messes, every time, you've done it enough!

IMO kids often say things with their actions, his destruction and mess sounds like he is saying "look at me", "will this make you notice?" and "I'm annoyed"!
You said he feels less loved than his brother, a hard question but is he right? Kids are so clued up to this stuff. I was very aware even from a young age that I got presents a lot, but promises of activities and time together were often broken and felt fobbed off. I also know that having a "perfect" brother to live up to can really flame the fire from exp. with nephews.

Can you find more quality time to spend with him to see if it improves his behaviour? And to play some board games (not computer) or do outdoor activites regularly as a family (swimming, walking, fly a kite anything)? Especially one that plays on his strengths where he can be praised and enjoy getting attention a positive way? They do say that these things make kids feel less isolated and more part of a team.

Rewarding him with presents, or picking up after him isn't the answer obviously, but as you said, the Wii is joint and it is Christmas after all.

Lotster · 20/12/2008 16:56

ooh triple whammy x-post ref harshness!

chloemegjess · 20/12/2008 17:01

I think Lotster has just given some really good advice. If you spend quality time together doing things you all enjoy then you can start to build up respect for each other again and he might loose some of the resentment for his older brother.

aam · 20/12/2008 17:02

Excuse me but I'm entitled to my opinion. Too many peple on here pander to each other. I'm not a people pleaser and my intention is not to offend OP.

Reallytired - How dare you wish one of my children has problems?

We are not talking about your hearing impaired child ITS NOT ALL ABOUT YOU.

Actually my DS2 had behavioural issues linked to glue ear and speech delay.

aam · 20/12/2008 17:05

I don't have 'perfect' children and neither am I 'perfect' but at least I try. Rewarding bad behaviour isn't trying in my book.

Pat in the back for pointing out my harshness though.

SleighGirl · 20/12/2008 17:11

MrsSnape I am suprised that up until the age of 7 you have cleared up sweetie wrappers after your ds, I think it's something I've taught/trained my dc to do from early toddler hood. It's not too late to change habits but don't try to change all your rules at once you'll drive them and yourself crazy!

Does he like doing little jobs? Mine are all happy to do jobs for/with me like sorting out the dry washing into piles, helping clearing the table. It does take longer mostly than doing it yourself but it's positive attention, they're "helping" and not getting up to unsupervised mischief. My youngest is far "naughtier" than my older 3 put together!

MarlaCarolSinger · 20/12/2008 17:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aam · 20/12/2008 17:15

My point exactly. The OP doesn't know if she's coming or going but people feel justified to insult me on her behalf.

JodieO · 20/12/2008 17:18

It shows a complete lack of understanding of behavioural issues to disregard the fact that they exist. All children are different, even ones in the same family. My 3 children are all different and I wouldn't dare suggest to someone else that she isn't trying, she clearly is or she wouldn't have even posted asking for help.

Denying that a child may have an actual condition could do more harm than good so you shouldn't just assume that children behave badly because of the parenting. It's patronising in the extreme.

jollyoldstnickschick · 20/12/2008 17:26

MrsSnape I cant bear to read some of the answers so only made it past the first page......hes 7 hes young and yes hes probably had some really shitty things happen compared to some kids,xmas is almost upon us you clean his mess with him helping you and thats starts a clean slate constantly telling him to wash his hands put away the toys not to spill his drink will eventually sink in and despite his 'naughtiness' loving him and when he threatens to run way etc tell him thtd mae you very sad.

The toilet poo thing seems to have gotten everyone going im inclined to think it was a smear not acceptable either but not a huge big turd slopped on the wall- i dont know if at 7 you can expect him to change the loo roll i dont think my boys would have tbh .

Trafficcone · 20/12/2008 17:27

I was pretty stunned when I first read this, but to see your most recent post...
You have for the last SEVEN years let him open a sweet or something and THROW the rubbish on the floor!!! And now you've come up with this marvellous new idea of telling him off and making him throw it away???
Give me strength! No ruddy wonder his behaviour is so appalling, the poor sod hasn't been brought up or given any idea of what it normal behaviour. His poor teachers!

Original poster
MrsSnape · 20/12/2008 17:29

aam, if I'm such a 'piss poor parent', how come my eldest son is pretty much perfectly behaved? It's not all black and white. Yes he has got away with stuff and he is spoilt but so is DS1 and he doesn't behave the same way.

Don't have much time atm but I'll reply to every other post later tonight. Thanks for the advice in the meantime.

OP posts:
jollyoldstnickschick · 20/12/2008 17:29

I think some of you are being very harsh to Mrs Snape .....of course shes bought her children lovely stuff for xmas -doesnt every parent??

Its a shame we cant all be perfect innit?

dittany · 20/12/2008 17:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jollyoldstnickschick · 20/12/2008 17:30

trafficcone

Give me strength! No ruddy wonder his behaviour is so appalling, the poor sod hasn't been brought up or given any idea of what it normal behaviour. His poor teachers!

That was NOT called for!!!!

jollyoldstnickschick · 20/12/2008 17:32

It actually sounds like someone else didn't change the toilet roll if he found there was no toilet roll there after he'd had a poo.

The person who finishes it should change it, although I'd only expect this of adults.

dittany I agree !!