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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my 17 yr old son going out with a woman of 29 with 2 children

130 replies

daftpunk · 19/12/2008 10:07

i know he's going to start wanting relationships with women, but i expected him to bring home a 16 yr old still into high school musical or something....but he's fallen in love with a woman only 6 years younger than me....she probably knows more about life than i do?

i have to stop this...

help me.

OP posts:
pageturner · 19/12/2008 10:08

You can't stop it and it would be a mistake to try.

purplemonkeydishwasher · 19/12/2008 10:09

why would a 29yo be interested in a 17yo? (no offence to your DS, I'm sure he's lovely)

ilovetochatupsanta · 19/12/2008 10:10

it won't last if you leave him to it, what 17 year old wants to settle down?
but if you try and stop him, he will be determined to carry on.

TeenyTinyTorya · 19/12/2008 10:12

Agree - the more you try to stop it, the more he will carry it on. Let him learn whether it's a mistake or not, he is 17 so you can't and shouldn't control him too much.

TotalChaos · 19/12/2008 10:12

agree with ilovetochatup - that if you try and stop it, it could end up going on for longer because you might give it a romeo and juliet starcrossed lover vibe. Also it's useful life experience if he learns how kids are hard work!

dingdongmerrilyonpie · 19/12/2008 10:13

Just let it run it's course. He'll soon call it a day when the realities of life with small children set in.

I agree with pageturner it would be a mistake to try and stop it.

It's just about sex, that's all. A women with her own house is more available than a 16 year old who has to sneak him upstairs.

Saturn74 · 19/12/2008 10:14

I would be extremely concerned if it were my son.

I don't know how you can attempt to stop it without the risk of pushing them closer together though, tbh.

I would probably have to resist telling her like it is speaking to her directly when DS wasn't around.

Tortington · 19/12/2008 10:14

sympathies, i think he probably likes playing house. its very appealing.

there is a fine line to tread, if you go with the "dont darken my door" he might just fuc off and do exactly that.

i think i would leave him to it - pretend like its a world outside your door that is in another dimension

focus on him - ignore talk of her in the house. i wouldnt offer her round and the non verbal 'fuck off' with forced smiles and stilted conversation if she ever came to my door would be crystal.

however at home its all about making sure he has condoms.

i think i would take her to one side without son knowing and tell her " he is 17...he has his whole life...don't take that from him by getting pregnant"

i think i would.

telling him that ultimatley the choice is his - butplaying house costs money - if you live ith her - her benefits stop, ( presuming she is) you have to get a job - minimum wage - as you haven't yet got qualifications, and thats it for the next 50 years son, 50 years. please understand that if you have a baby now, you will pay for that baby by ensuring it has everything it needs- this means you go without everything you WANT.

littleboyblue · 19/12/2008 10:16

Agree with everyone else. At 17 it won't last. They won't be able to do couply things with her having dc's.
Know as his mother you don't want to hear about it being about sex but that's what it is. He'll soon get bored, and lets face it, all teenage boys have to have a quick fling with an older woman don't they?

hecAteAMillionMincePies · 19/12/2008 10:16

you can't stop it. If you try, you will lose him. All you can do is stay neutral, be welcoming to her and let him live his own life, even if you think he is making a mistake.

If this relationship works out - you will lose your son - if he has ANYTHING decent about him, he will, if forced, choose his partner over his mother.

If this relationship fails - it's your job to be there to comfort him and NOT to tell him that you told him so. He needs to know that he can come to you but if you try to split them up now, in the future he may not trust you or want to come to you in case you crow!

tbh, he's 17 - it probably won't last. It'll last a lot bloody longer if he thinks he's rebelling against you by doing it though!

Invite her round for tea. Get her kids a little christmas present. Smile and sip tea. Let your son live his own life.

Original poster
daftpunk · 19/12/2008 10:18

i know this is his first serious relationship..i'm just worried about him getting her pregnant....he told us he had no idea she was 29, she looks around 20 (according to him)

he's still my little boy.

OP posts:
Kristingle · 19/12/2008 10:19

i agree with hecate

dingdongmerrilyonpie · 19/12/2008 10:21

I know how you feel. We all worry about our sons getting a girl pregnant, no matter how old the girl is.

Just say what I say. If you get someone pregnant you can kiss goodbye to 20% of your salary for the next 18 years, and the fact that you have a child could put a nice girl off you.

hecAteAMillionMincePies · 19/12/2008 10:22

He's not your 'little boy' though. He is grown up. He will get to an age when he WILL settle down and you will step aside and his wife will become the woman in his life and he won't BE your little boy (that's just how MILs from HELL develop!!!) he'll be a man with a family of his own.

This is probably quite good, help you to begin stepping back.

But totally agree with others re contraception - MASSIVE talks re not creating a baby that you can't / won't be 100% responsible for for ever - def needed!!

gabygirl · 19/12/2008 10:23

You can't stop it, and you'll create problems if you try.

Talk to him about contraception.

NOW!

HappyMummyOfOne · 19/12/2008 10:25

I dont think you can stop it, although I would feel exactly the same as you.

Hammer home re condoms, maintenance payments etc - make sure he knows that even if she says she's on the pill it may not be true etc.

Eve34 · 19/12/2008 10:25

I can imagine the thoughts going through your mind, and I too would feel the same, I would just sit back and wait and see. I met DP when he was 19 I was 31. 5 years on we are still together, although I like to think I was laid back and not demanding on him,
I really didn't expect it to last more than a few weeks. We now have a 2 year old son and we couldn't be happier.

Hope it works out for the best. x

unavailable · 19/12/2008 10:27

Oh poor you. Of course YANBU, but you cant do anything to stop it.

If he didnt know how old she was, does she know he is only 17?

Original poster
daftpunk · 19/12/2008 10:27

thanks everyone...you know it seems like one minute your wrapping up thier lego and teddies on christmas eve... and then you turn around and you have this....i wish my children would stay little forever...

OP posts:
VinegarTitsTheSeasonToBeJolly · 19/12/2008 10:31

Oh gosh i feel for you, i think i would be temped to lock ds1(19) in his room if he can home with an older woman, but it would do any good, would just make him hate me

Agree with everyone else, let it run its course and bite your tongue, encourage him to go out with his mates as much as possible, suggest concerts they might life, or lads holidays

Ds1 meet his first girlfriend at 16, they courted for 2 yrs then split, now he is having a ball, going to concerts, planning holidays, coming home drunk (and sneeking girls in ) he says he would'nt get into another relationship, hes having too much fun

piscesmoon · 19/12/2008 10:33

I agree with everyone else-I would be horrified! However stopping it would throw them together-there is nothing more appealing than star crossed lovers. I see that she is 6 yrs younger than you but 12 yrs older than him so I would invite her around for a meal, try and see quite a lot of her and bore on about child development, schools, the price of washing powder etc, in fact any topic that would bore a 17yr old boy rigid. Also go down memory lane discussing bands, TV programmes etc that he is too young to remember! All in a perfectly friendly way. Be friendly to the children but don't offer to do any babysitting, just smilingly say that you have passed that stage and value your freedom to come and go as you want.

MaryMarriott · 19/12/2008 10:34

Big sympathy from all mothers of boys I'm sure, but I think hecate has given some excellent advice.
Try looking at this as practice at letting go, becoming the mother in law from heaven of his future partner and giving some wise words about the practicalities of babies (especially money) in the meantime, but nothing unpleasant at all about her because if they do stay together for a while it will backfire on you.
Good luck.

wannaBe · 19/12/2008 10:36

if this was the other way round and op was posting that her 17 yo dd was seeing a 29 year old man there would be outcry, and questions as to why a 29 yo man was interested in a 17 year old girl.

Well imo it's the same thing here. Why on earth is a 29 year old woman with two children interested in a 17 year old lad - it's just not right.

You can't stop it but I would be inclined to take her to one side and question what her motives are.

piscesmoon · 19/12/2008 10:38

I think you can guess at the motives wannaBE!!

georgimama · 19/12/2008 10:42

I agree with wannabe, mothers of boys have it hard. A 17 year old girl with a 29 year old man is actually illegal, but the other way round and the worried mother just has to suck it up.

I would be very worried too. No advice sorry, I agree that if you try to meddle you will make him want her more, just be rady for the fall out and emphasise contraception.

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