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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my 17 yr old son going out with a woman of 29 with 2 children

130 replies

daftpunk · 19/12/2008 10:07

i know he's going to start wanting relationships with women, but i expected him to bring home a 16 yr old still into high school musical or something....but he's fallen in love with a woman only 6 years younger than me....she probably knows more about life than i do?

i have to stop this...

help me.

OP posts:
Geepers · 19/12/2008 11:52

I don't actually have a 17 year old, I was talking in a metaphorical way, but when I do have one, I can honestly say it won't bother me.

VisionsOfSugarPlums · 19/12/2008 11:55

I know a lad that was in the same situation. He had just decided that he had had enough of the relationship when she "accidentally' got pregnant. He felt trapped but stayed with her. She had a MC and he stayed with her for a few months as he felt it would be cruel to walk out while she was still vulnerable but he deid later walk away. He now has 2 dc's with someone his own age.
daftpunk, I would advise your ds not to leave contraception entirely up to her

FioFio · 19/12/2008 11:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

DoubleBluff · 19/12/2008 12:01

Do you know much about the girlfriend?
She may be only in it for the fun, which if that is the case then it will prob run it's course.
Agree with all the other posters, but as a mumof 2 boys I would feel as worried as you are.

Geepers · 19/12/2008 12:02

You are being patronising.

My son is 15.

I met my husband when I was 20 and he was 37, so not a great deal older than 17, and have been happily married for 7 years.

When I was 17 I was in a relationship for 2 years with a man 10 years older than me.

I don't see what harm it can possibly do, and if my child is happy, then I am happy for him.

piscesmoon · 19/12/2008 12:23

I think any mother wants the best for her DC and at the start of adulthood a woman who has already had her go of being young,single and free and now has two DCs is not the best!
I have a 17yr old DS he is at school and has very little money so in that position they couldn't go out much. I would have her around lots and encourage her to go out and leave him baby sitting. I would keep her talking about childcare for ages. I would have the DCs around as well and have us all sitting down together playing things like snakes and ladders. I'm sure only a short regime like that would finish it fairly soon!

unavailable · 19/12/2008 12:36

Geepers - Would the fact she had two children not be an issue, even if her age isnt?

dsrplus8 · 19/12/2008 12:49

ithink id be more concerned about a 17yr old boy getting someone pregnant than what age she is. personally i find it a bit yuck for a 29yr old to be with a 17yr old. (bythe way , i was 17 when i met first husband who was 26 at time, ended badly, he was controling violent nasty bit of work,)id buy the 17yr old condoms and make sure he has them every time he went out!it wont last , he'll grow up , she'll stay the same and they'll part company.

Geepers · 19/12/2008 12:52

Why would her having two children matter?

If my child is happy, then what is the problem? It wouldn't bother me one iota.

Lauriefairyonthetreeeatscake · 19/12/2008 13:02

I don't think it's yuk and I think the OP should congratulate herself on bringing up a mature young man who thinks age is no barrier to getting on with people.

dsrplus8 · 19/12/2008 13:03

geepers your very laid back about stuff , you are right though about the child being happy being main point, but the point i think of is no one wants their son in a position of having responsibilities too soon ,before they are able to fully cope, as in having good income to afford kids/ and mind set of being able to conduct a relationship properly and accept what comes. kids having kids is never a good idea(although some make very good parents, they miss out on the "fun" years) i also think us mothers should teach our sons to be respectful of women/girls and not get into just for sex flings, not a nice thought a 17yr old is "using a single mum for sex" or "single mum using 17yr old for sex"

dsrplus8 · 19/12/2008 13:07

laurie , the op hasnt commented on how mature her son is, some 17yr old are very immature, come to think of it some 40 yr olds are very immmature too.

Lauriefairyonthetreeeatscake · 19/12/2008 13:09

True, she hasn't. She's also not said he's using her for sex or she's using him for sex opr anything like that. And since her posts are usually mature and well thought out and since her dh says to 'wish them well' I extrapolated he was probably a 'well brought up young man'.

dsrplus8 · 19/12/2008 13:13

would also like to add from personal experiance i split from ex h at 28 , by this time he was in his thirties and guess what he did,...... started chasing our dd freinds older sister who was 17yrs old. why go for some one just old enough to be legal??? thats what i mean by yuck!!!!!!!

unavailable · 19/12/2008 13:14

dsrplus puts it very well.
I would add that parenting is more than ensuring a child/ young person is "happy".
When he was a younger teenager, my son would have been happy if I hadnt nagged him about his homework and let him stay out all hours without question.

dsrplus8 · 19/12/2008 13:24

yes laurie, i do understand what your saying, and i agree op son is by the sound of it probably" a well brought up young man",and she didnt say "using for sex" i did, i just cant get my head around why a 29yr old woman would want a 17yr old boy?, what would they have in common? do they sit and discuss the latest computer game or office politics? theres 12 years diference, if he was 25 and finnished uni /had life experiance then it wouldnt matter but TWO years ago he'd have been a child and not a lot happens in those two years in young boys heads as far as maturity goes(yes im being sexist, but how many mature 17yr olds do you know?)

Lauriefairyonthetreeeatscake · 19/12/2008 14:12

"What do they have in common?" - maybe shared goals, values, life expectations.

I would have agreed with you til not long ago. My best friends son is now 19 - over the last two years I have seen him grow into a lovely young man, caring, considerate, well-rounded and loving. He is truly a product of how well my friend brought him up. Any woman would be lucky to have him in her life.

Yes, obviously he is icky to me physically but I think that's more about him being my friends son/watching him grow up and less about who he is as a person.

There are always exceptions to the norm. My own dh was 23 (disabled with ME and living with his mum) when we met and I was 30, separated and been round the block.

Today is our 4th wedding anniversary and we are blissfully happy

dsrplus8 · 19/12/2008 14:23

aawwwww congrats on your aniversary laurie! your dh was 23 when you met , so its a wee bit diferent. not about the age gap, but what age the younger partner is at the start of relationship. hope your dh is doing better with his ME, my dh and i have a 8 year age gap , nearly the same as the gap between exh and i, difference is i was in twenties (just) when relationship started, not a teenager like last time.

HolyGuacamole · 19/12/2008 14:36

Agree with Hec completely.

His motives for seeing her or her motives for seeing him are neither here nor there. Even if you knew them, it would only be another thing to be in disagreement about, ie, the motives are never going to be good enough in your eyes because you have your opinion and that's it.

I think you will always see him as your little boy even when he is 45

Stand by him, be supportive, invite her over and be genuinely nice and open about the whole thing. If it's going to last then at least you will have a good relationship, all of you and either way your son will realise he has a really cool mum who supports him and lets him live his life. It's not what you wanted for him, but, it's what he wants for himself that counts. You never know, maybe this girl will be lovely and her kids may be an absolute joy?

I remember being 17 and smugly thought I knew EVERYTHING about life, only now can I look back and realise that I actually knew nothing

Don't start on the path of being a nasty MIL with all of the misery that accompanies it for all parties. I honestly think it won't last but let him decide that on his own with the knowledge that are you there for him and that you are fab because you supported him

harpsiheraldangelssing · 19/12/2008 14:39

I expect your son is so delicious and well brought up that he is unbelievably attractive
seriously, I expect if I was 29 with two chldren and no partner I would be attracted to someone without responsibilities because I would be in the mood for a little uncomplicated fun.

HolyGuacamole · 19/12/2008 14:43

Also, I just want to add that taking her aside for a 'word' is SO wrong. She will tell your son, he will be embarassed/angry/annoyed and apart from that, nobody has any right to interfere in someones life like that, even if it is your son. It smacks of interference and over-possession and you will create distance in your relationship with him.

If you have a word in her ear do you think she will be like "oh, I better dump him" or do you think she will think "who the heck does she think she is, judging me". If she is using your son, it will become apparent soon enough and having a 'word' will only push him further into her arms.

Just a thought.

Original poster
daftpunk · 19/12/2008 14:48

just to update;

he is lovely...in everyway..honestly

good looking/ fun to be with/ caring...

he's told us that the age difference doesn't matter to him,.....he loves her.

OP posts:
harleyd · 19/12/2008 14:55

daftpunk, let him make his own choices, even if you know they arent the right ones
if you push against this he will dig his heels in. the relationship will probably fizzle out much quicker if you step back and let him see for himself that it isnt all he expects it to be. maybe he'll get fed up of her not being able to get babysitters at a moments notice when he suggests going for a quick pint.
maybe he'll realise that he doesnt want a ready-made family, that he's way too young and has too much to experience before he settles down

but hey, if it goes the other way and he stays with her and loves and cares for her and the children, he'll make you proud anyway

Tortington · 19/12/2008 15:56

hair remover in some lovely bath stuff you get hre for xmas

Original poster
daftpunk · 19/12/2008 16:03

what if he marries her?

my daughter in law will be almost the same age as me?

if he adopts her children he'll have children older than his brother?

it's just all to jeremy kyle for me...

OP posts:
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