A genuine AIBU, I want your honest opinions please.

[AndaPartridgeOnADustyTv]

DH works really hard at work,(as I do at hone with DD) is having not one, not two but THREE xmas parties/do's, one with his new work and two with his OLD work

He was out on Monday evening, he is out this evening, and he is out next monday all day as today is his last day at work over the holiday period.

Now as a rule I am not bothered how often he goes out but at the minute I am tired, pregnant and running around after 13month old DD all day. Plus the fact I would like some adult company from him at some point, DD is ace but it is not like I can have a real convo with her is it.

I couldn't even tell you the last time DH and I went out just the two of us. He goes out more with the people from his old work more than he does me and that makes me sad. I have spoken to him about it but he say's I am over-reacting.
I asked him yesterday after he got in from work what time he expects he may be home tonight, he said he doesn't know and it will be late. I told him that I would appreciate it if he would be home no later than midnight as I could do with the break TBH.
DD is teething, I have been up since 3am this morning with her as she will not sleep or settle, she is likely to be the same tonight and I am not looking forward to it.

As DH left for work this morning I did something which I never do with him and put my foot down WRT what time he comes in. I told him to have a good time at lunch and tonight (Yes this staff party with his old work starts at lunch time and finishes whenever) but to be in for 11pm but no later than midnight. He said okay but has gone all 'huffy' IYSWIM. I asked him not to be mad with me as I never do this and I don't think it fair that I am yet again lumbered with ALL of the childcare again and it is not like he isn't going out at all over Xmas with them all. He has left and just said see ya and slammed the door on the way out and gone. He usualy gives me and DD a kiss before he goes but not today!!

TBH I have now seen my arse and he can stay out all fucking night now for all I care.

So was IBU to tell him to be in for no later than midnight?

His job is not harder than yours, he isn't more deserving of a break than you he just gets paid more so imo that makes you even more deserving of a break!

I have a feeling that he is still going to be out late, I was thinking of staying at my mums and obviously taking DD with me, she will love that. Grandad on call to her all day
So do you think I would be in my right to do that and not be seen as ovr reacting and spitting my dummy out?

LOL, I bet he didn't, but it is the truth, kids are difficult and just when you think they should be getting easier there are a whole new set of difficult things to deal with.
Sorry if I got a bit intense earlier, I get so frustrated cos I have had to fight him really hard just for equality of time off and things like that.
It has taken me years to get him to realise these things and it has damaged the relationship, possibl;e beyond repair cos I now have such resentment and dislike of the way he has treated me int eh past. But anyhoo, that's another story.

He left me like this a few weeks ago when he said he was watching the girls and suddenly it really hit him that he's a father, that they are his responsibility.
I said "DD1 IS 5 FFS, AND NOW YOU REALISE YOU'RE A FATHER" let's say I was less than impressed.

I feel I need to clarify, he does loads around the house, cleans, hoovers, does the wshing and ironing etc. I never have to ask him to do things like that, he just does it.

You mean you feel the need to defend? Because he's your husband and you feel you are being disloyal? Yet he can have cosy pics (with another woman whihc may or may not be innocent) taken on a night out (which you're not allowed or if you are "allowed" you have to be back early" then when questioned/ challenged he sulks like a child and doesn't reassure you even though you are fairly newly pregnant and his concerns should be your feelings - YET you still feel you OWE it to him to be loyal and defend him?

If your reason is you dont want to be woken up when he stumbles in then of course, then you can relax, and rest while the gp's do some workand he can recover from his hangover.

Spit your dummy out-you should have done it a long time ago!!

I'm sorry but he sounds like a total arse - especially when you sum it all up in a list as above.
The childcare bit is really what takes the biscuit - WTF????? He is serious? What a total utter twat.

You are not being even slightly unreasonable, he needs to grow up and decide if he wants a family or wants to be single and go out and get pissed all the time. If he starts late on a Thursday that should be your lie in and he should deal with night wakings surely????

Sorry far to many question marks in this but I'm just flabbergasted that anyone can behave that way.

that should be too many sorry, too angry to spell properly!

I bet you weren't very impressed darksome, men hey, I don't understand them.

lovemygirls, I do feel the need to defend him, it is only naturell, he is my husband and father of my DD and lo. He is a good person, but I think he has lost himself a little bit. He has changed so much when he started working at his old job. What I was tring to say that despite him working he still comes home and does lots of the domestic stuff such as washing, ironing, cleaning, tidying, empty and filling the dishwasher etc. He is not all bad.

The sun may well shine out of his arse BUT he is still BU with regard to how frequently he goes out and how unfairly he treats you and how he handles his daughter - he is not babysitting he is her father so as such he takes the rough with the smooth like you do.

Maybe write him a letter and take enough stuff for a few days to your mums and come back when he understands what a twunt he's been, that's what I would do but obviously only you can decide. This wouldn't be a deal breaker yet but I would leave/ kick him out for a few days until he got the picture because if you let him get away with this now in less than a year you will be left in 3 nights a week with 2 kids, one waking the other and trying to cope on your own with little sleep, no nights out and trying to get through each day and that is not how it's supposed to be when you are married imo.

Gosh loads of posts while I was on nursery pick-up!

Do any of the old people he works with have children or are they single?

He must earn quite a lot to be able to afford to go out so much.

Maybe you could suggest that he does organise an evening when the other work colleagues bring their partners as you would like to spend time with him socially.

Start squirrelling away some money now. Just a little bit each week so that you do have something for yourself. It doesn't even have to be a secret, just so that you do have access to money.

How do you pay for shopping or xmas presents?

Look at the times of our posts - I already knew you would come back with more defending, it's a text book problem once children come along. Still doesn't mean you put up with it imo.

You are still a person not just a mum/ wife.

lol darksome, normally that would be a great excuse but I am quite deaf and do not hear him coming in anyway and DD sleeps through pretty much anything anyway

I was going to say that I don't want to be on my own for that long, especially since I passed out the other day, so I am staying at my mums so I can have a bit of r&r and have the added extra of some support.

You passed out and he is still making plans to go out and leave you??
OK, I'm mad again now. My DH has his faults but if I was pg and passing out I think he would be worried enough about me to cancel a night out and keep me company, esp if I had specifically asked him to

Desperatehousewifetoo, I have no money to squirrel away at all, unless I get a job. I really like your suggestion of orgainising a night with his old work mates and their partners, he has no excuse to say no then does he.

All of DD's xmas pressies are charity shop ones, not a problem as I have found some wonderfull things for her. Dh and I are not buying each other at my suggestion as I don't have any money.

I ony passed out once and was fine after a sit down and a cuppa, it hasn't happened again or before for that matter.

You sound exhausted- I think you should stay at your Mums/cousins to get a rest. Leave him a note to tell him why- because they will help you with your DD.

I have to say the going out thing would make me suspicious that he was having an affair.

He would cope far better with your little girl if he spent more time with her you know. Even if he made it home in time to bath her and settle her down at bedtime 3 nights a week and have her half a day at the weekend would be a good start.

but you have ajoint account?? Don't you have a card for it, aren't you allowed to spend some of it, he is obviously pissing a fair amount of it away going out so much, I know on a bender my DH could spend 80 quid or more if he knew I wouldn't kill him for it.

GRRR

Can I please ask why you have no money? I work for a day a week and earn a pittance, but all our money goes into the joint account, and then we speparate out a little bit to transfer into our own accounts each month to spend as we like. The rest goes on all the outgoings.

How do you pay for clothes or haircuts, or even shampoo or fucking Tampax (when you weren't pregnant)? I'm not saying you have to go clothes shopping (I myself only manage the odd cheap thing a few times a year)or have haircuts, but these little things can be a real boost.

What do you do for you?

Yes I have a card for the joint account but his wages go in to hi saccount and then he transferes only the money to cover the household outgoings wverymonths, there are no funds left over afterwards.
We live on a very tight budget.

I bought a mooncup, shampoo and stuff is included in the weekly shop, I get clothes out bday money from my parents and buy from charity shops. I don't get haircuts unless my mum treats me for my bday or a special occasion. I did have an appointment booked for having my hair done tomorrow, that DH is paying for but I had to cancel until next week.

So if he transfers what needs covering for the bills, what is left in his bank account? Enough to be pissing up the wall three times a week, obviously.

It's OUT OF ORDER. You need some money for yourself. AAAAGH