A genuine AIBU, I want your honest opinions please.

[AndaPartridgeOnADustyTv]

DH works really hard at work,(as I do at hone with DD) is having not one, not two but THREE xmas parties/do's, one with his new work and two with his OLD work

He was out on Monday evening, he is out this evening, and he is out next monday all day as today is his last day at work over the holiday period.

Now as a rule I am not bothered how often he goes out but at the minute I am tired, pregnant and running around after 13month old DD all day. Plus the fact I would like some adult company from him at some point, DD is ace but it is not like I can have a real convo with her is it.

I couldn't even tell you the last time DH and I went out just the two of us. He goes out more with the people from his old work more than he does me and that makes me sad. I have spoken to him about it but he say's I am over-reacting.
I asked him yesterday after he got in from work what time he expects he may be home tonight, he said he doesn't know and it will be late. I told him that I would appreciate it if he would be home no later than midnight as I could do with the break TBH.
DD is teething, I have been up since 3am this morning with her as she will not sleep or settle, she is likely to be the same tonight and I am not looking forward to it.

As DH left for work this morning I did something which I never do with him and put my foot down WRT what time he comes in. I told him to have a good time at lunch and tonight (Yes this staff party with his old work starts at lunch time and finishes whenever) but to be in for 11pm but no later than midnight. He said okay but has gone all 'huffy' IYSWIM. I asked him not to be mad with me as I never do this and I don't think it fair that I am yet again lumbered with ALL of the childcare again and it is not like he isn't going out at all over Xmas with them all. He has left and just said see ya and slammed the door on the way out and gone. He usualy gives me and DD a kiss before he goes but not today!!

TBH I have now seen my arse and he can stay out all fucking night now for all I care.

So was IBU to tell him to be in for no later than midnight?

You know, every now and then one of these threads comes along, a bit like CVQ. You want it to be fake because you can't believe anyone can live like that in today's society, but also you don't want it to be fake because you feel for the OP.

But when you get a situation like this, where every post reveals something even worse than the last, you do have to wonder. AndaPartridge - I hope you don't take offence at this, but I'm getting suspicious only because I cannot believe any man could treat his wife like this and she allows it to happen. That should say something to you.

But I hope you don't mind if I bow out now. I'm not entirely sure what I think.

He only goes out once a week normally, he goes to see them for a coffee the other couple of times so spends no money.

So where does he get the money to go out drinking all night, and oh yeah, all day and then all night. This is not fair, you need something for yourself, even if it's 20 quid a month, at least 10 quid a week. Does he think this is ok?? For him to spend what he wants and you to have nothing. Do you?>?? Honestly???

Cliff, you can check I am not a prolific poster but I am on here regularly, maybe not posting a lot but I do lurk. I do not take offence as I am sure i would have probably thought the same as you at some point.

I am probably making it sound worse than it is. Dh does not treat me bad. I only wanted to know if I was BU asking him to come in at a decent time, as his reaction to that made me feel unreasonable and guilty.

Thank you all so much for all of you helpful adice and comments. I am leaving now.

thank you.

So you can't afford money ofr sanitary stuff, clothes or hair cuts BUT he can afford nights our 4 nights a month? I'm guessing a night out costs in the region of £30-£50 a time if you take into account drinks, club entry, taxi fayres, food if he's going straight from work. You are skint because he tells you that you are and he spends what is left on himself.

Then why not tell us what he does do? You've posted relationship advice to others, and one of your posts asked if the OP's dh had any redeeming features - may I pose the same question?

Ah, but these days a coffee and a muffin is a fiver. Once again, where is your money to do this??? To go to a toddler group and have a coffee with friends once a week???????
He has it but you don't, that is the point. If hewants it he has it. Are you telling me that he doesn't spend any money other than on bills???? He never has anything new and gadgetey????

He leaves you with no money? And he's out on a bender once a week and your DD's Christmas presents are coming from a charity shop? I am so stunned by this I don't know what to say - like Cliff I'm beginning to hope it's some kind of wind up.

Anna, please don't feel that you have to leave- we are here to help

Just say "No you can't go out tonight, I am going out, it is your turn to stay in" even if you don't have a party to go to, he has to know that he has to make sacrifices for you and your family. Go to a friend's house and sit down, go and sit in a cafe, make a point. You need to feel in control of this.I hope he is not having an affair, he sounds completely out of order. Christmas parties are not obligatory especially ones from your old work. I smell lots of rats.

You are leaving because I very very nicely said why your thread was sounding suspicious? Really?

I've tried to help you as have others. I don't see any other reason why you should leave this thread that you started.

I think I might bow out too CliffRichard. I want to be sympathetic, I really do. But I can't believe you have allowed this to happen and that you are defending him, in the face of so many people who can see his behaviour is completely selfish and unreasonable.

I'm going to give DH a massive snog as soon as he gets in for being a good husband

I'm not trying to gloss over, but to show that he does have redeaming qualities IYSWIM.

I am sorry to have started this, it has all come across wrong.

I know I was NU, I just needed confirmation IYSWIM.

Thank you all.

she is scared. I think he is having an affair. she probably does too. this a toe in the water, and she is scared of the truth. being pregnant and vulnerable to this idiot's behaviour. I hope her situation improves.

I think you are leaving because you know what we say is right and you don't want to think about the implication of that is.
My DH is a lovely bloke, very charming, nice, can be thoughtful, very generous, too generous sometimes and would spend loads on me if I would let him to the detriment of the bills and the family. It is still not a good thing. Even though it isn't a bad thing.
You weren't being unreasonable, but Ihope you have realised that in some things HE is being unreasonable. You are entitled to a life away from your children, it is a healthy thing, it isn't bad parenting to need time away from them. You are right, you cannot have a conversation with a child, nor is their company remotely like an adult. And these are things that every adult, even parents/mothers need. He should not have all the fun and none of the responsibility, and you should not have all the responsibility and none of the fun.

YANBU

Darksomenightm I do realize that he is BU in a lot of things, it is a hard thing for me to swallow as I always thought we had such a good relationship and that he was Mr Wonderful.

I do not mean to be or come across as ungrateful for all of the advice, I am very grateful, it's just something I don't want to hear. I know I have to, but it is hard. It is not something I can get my head around within the short space of time on a thread, I need a bit more time.

am defending him as he is my husband and not a bad person all together.

Even when I am fuming at mine I still want to defend him on here. No one is perfect, and as I said it seemed to take mine 5 yrs before he really relised that the bills and food for the children really DID need to be our first priorities, and for him to admit that I am not an unreasonable nagging shrew for wanting him to pay the bills before he buys beer or a new tv we dont need.
I actually had to break up with him and start making plans for moving out, before he finally realised that the problem was real, and large and I WOULD leave him over it. They can be a bit thick sometimes.
These things seem to have nothing much to do with what kind of person they are. PLus we moan about the bad things, not the good things, I sometimes wonder whether I paint too dark a picture of mine to my friends when he's pissed me off

Darksomenight, taht is it, I have painted too dark a picture of him cos he has pissed me off. But he is not all bad.

Plus we never really know someone til these kinds of things pop up to test us, and the test is really in how they act when they realise that there is a problem and that you want it dealt with. It is not much to ask that he spends some time with you when you have been stuck at home with a toddler for days ( and nights) and just need to talk about something that doesn't involve poo, teething and dribble.

Here is someone who took advice given and is making a fresh go of it.

I'm not suggesting you take action that drastic. But nearly every post you have written on here, the last post seems to be worse than the last. Does the list go on? I asked if he had any redeeming features, you never answered that one.

My dh has his faults to be sure, and I know I can paint him in a bad light, but nothing I could say about him compares to yours at all. So if he really is as bad as all of this, then you have to take action. Don't just sit on all this advice, giving us more and more tit bits to feed our anger, do something constructive.