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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to want my DS to attend a more white than black school?

348 replies

NattyTurkeyAndEggnog · 13/12/2008 20:01

am posting this timidly in case it is misinterpred...

there is a choice of two catholic schools locally, one is three quaters black african, and the other is three quaters white british.

now i said to dh that id prefer the white majority school, as i feel my white children would fit in better, and i would with the other parents. i dont mean it in a way that i think white ppl are better, or anything like that, in fact the other school has higher exam results. just that i am concerned with sending my child to a school that they will be very much a minority.

but DH said that he should go to the better results school.

now im torn, because im very aware that kids pick up on a child being different, and i was bullied horrendously in school.

please dont read this as a black/white thing, i would feel the same about him going to a non-religous school for the same reasons.

ok i will stand back and wait for the back lash now

OP posts:
SparklyGothKat · 14/12/2008 01:00

haven't read the whole thread but my kids are in a hugely diverse school, with many children of different races and from other countries. My kids love it there, no problems with the black kids bullying, and I chat to lots of the mums, whatever colour skin.

YABU but you know that.

goldFAQinsenceandmyrrh · 14/12/2008 01:01

no I won't call my own children mixed-race - "Coloured" is the officialy recognised term for them with their hertiage and I'm not going to let them lose that especially as exH and I are no longer together so links with the other "half" of their hertiage have been weakened.

herbietea · 14/12/2008 01:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

CuddlyUnderTheMistletoe · 14/12/2008 01:06

I think 'words' are not entirely the issue, it's opinions.
It is the underlying racism of the op and the rest of society who think it is ok to pick a school because of predominant race. That is segregation and trying to justyfy it is cowardice.

Sleep well Natty.

CuddlyUnderTheMistletoe · 14/12/2008 01:09

Justify, Yes.

shante · 14/12/2008 01:11

gold - my mix race DH would take offence and instant dislike to someone calling him coloured and so would I. Makes you sound a bit thick too.

goldFAQinsenceandmyrrh · 14/12/2008 01:13

fine - think of me thick - but I happen to know the difference between the American-English term "colored" (which of course the English stick a "U" into) and the Southern African term "Coloured". And believe me there's a huge one.

shante · 14/12/2008 01:14

gold- What colour are your kids - pink-green- yellow? You said they were coloured.

goldFAQinsenceandmyrrh · 14/12/2008 01:14

and besides- where did I say that I referred to anyone else who is mixed race as coloured? I don't believe I did - that's because (contrary to your believe) I'm not thick, and therefore wouldn't use the term unless I know that it's someone that referrs to themselves as coloured because of their hertiage

NattyTurkeyAndEggnog · 14/12/2008 01:18

oh and b4 i go, can i just point out that it wasnt ME that brought my sons SN into thhe equation.
i left it out on purpose, because ppl can be so rude about it, saying im "muddying the water" for example.
so Cuddly it is not "shame on you"
but u wouldnt know that cos u havent even been bothered to read the whole thread.

OP posts:
NattyTurkeyAndEggnog · 14/12/2008 01:19

oh and i think u should give FAQ a break. she is an intelligent woman and has not used that word meaning offence to anyone

OP posts:
shante · 14/12/2008 01:21

..and you would know all about that Natty..

goldFAQinsenceandmyrrh · 14/12/2008 01:22

and as for what colour are my kids?

Well - I'm "white" - and last time I looked in the mirror I actually had pink skin. My exH is "black" - but last time I saw him he had dark brown skin............

CuddlyUnderTheMistletoe · 14/12/2008 01:24

Natty, I don't need to read the rest of the thread, which no doubt consists of you trying to squirm out of the flaming you will have received from right minded individuals slating your unjustifiable racism.
YABU.

CuddlyUnderTheMistletoe · 14/12/2008 01:25

YABU

CuddlyUnderTheMistletoe · 14/12/2008 01:26

You Are Being Unreasonable.

NattyTurkeyAndEggnog · 14/12/2008 01:26

oh ok you dont need all the information b4 u pass judgement.
ok

and course i would know all about it, as a woman being called racist when IM NOT!!

OP posts:
CuddlyUnderTheMistletoe · 14/12/2008 01:26

Can I make it any clearer?

CuddlyUnderTheMistletoe · 14/12/2008 01:27

YABU

goldFAQinsenceandmyrrh · 14/12/2008 01:33

so am I so thick wtih my knowledge of the use of the terms Coloured, Colored and Mixed Race that I don't even warrant a response from you Shante?

nooka · 14/12/2008 01:47

I think it is very valid to chose a school where you think the chances of your child being accepted, making friends and generally having a happy time are higher. Especially if they have Aspergers, and find making friends difficult. And if you yourself have been badly bullied you will know first hand the consequences of being ostracized. However I would be looking more at the diversity in the school, as IME the more diversity the more likelihood of acceptance of difference.

I was sent to a Catholic primary, and was bullied. My mother (who almost certainly did not want to send me to a Catholic school in the first place, but was pushed into it as part of marrying a Catholic) sent us there because it was a good school, it got good results, and had lots of excellent extra curricular stuff going on. But what she didn't notice, or perhaps didn't think through was that all the children were very local and attended the same church (we came from a little further away and went to a different church); they were predominantly working class (we were really quite posh, and sounded it); and they were also mostly Irish (we aren't). We stood out like sore thumbs.

It was not a good experience for any of us, and for me and my big sister affected us quite deeply in that we both felt we were incapable of making friends, something we didn't overcome until university. My middle sister on the other hand was very happy, but she is much more outgoing than us. My mother was fairly oblivious of this, and when I told her, many years later, she said she had also found it very difficult to make friends with any of the other mothers (she can be a little oblivious to the fact that her rather patrician attitude and accent can be a little intimidating).

My husband taught in a school in the East End where 95% of the children came from Bangladeshi families. The 5% of children who were not did have a difficult time.

My kids were recently at a school where 50-60% of the children were Korean. ds said it reduced the amount of friends he could make, but actually his best friend was one of the Korean kids, so I'm not sure how true that was. However it certainly was true that the Korean parents did not mix with the non-Korean parents (quite a diverse mixture in that group too, as we lived in Queens, NYC, one of the most diverse places in the world). That did make it difficult to try and arrange playdates, especially as the Korean children mostly were picked up by grandparents, who did not speak English.

On the other hand my step-niece seemed to thrive at a school were she really was the only black child (and it was a big school). She certainly had a lot of friends.

So it can be, but isn't always, an issue to be different, and if you are concerned that your child appears different anyway, of course you are going to worry. That's perfectly legitimate. I do think the OP needs to look much wider than black-white, as there are so many other factors at work. Visiting the schools is the only way to judge whether your child will be welcomed there, and results are not the most important factor (assuming they are both OK).

mybabywakesupsinging · 14/12/2008 02:13

I would think it was a loss to the dc if they went to a school which didn't have pupils with a wide range of cultural backgrounds.
Where we used to live, ds would have been almost the only non-muslim in his class. So he would only really have met people from one other culture/religion. And he would have celebrated different festivals from most of his schoolfriends.
We had to move for work and where we live now, there will be a complete mix of backgrounds in their school. Which is great. I now look forward to the dc swearing chatting in other languages...
The dc only notice skin colour in the same way that they notice the colour of someones clothes, anyway.

crazyloon1 · 14/12/2008 07:49

I'm with UQD on this.

I'm also wondering what the reaction would have been if OP was black and worried about sending her child to a mostly white school.

Fwiw I think the best answer is indeed to go and see the school, get a feel for it

Our local school was mostly white but horrible atmosphere
I didn't send ds there - because a lot of the kids were from very unhappy, deprived families and we would see them after school at the swings and they would bully ds.
I was scared of the parents

Some of our friends sent their kids there thinking it was good to have a bit of a social mix, but their family could take it - very secure home life etc, plenty to balance the shitty school

Mine is already disadvantaged, i wanted him to be somewhere safer and kinder
I think that was right

JollyPirate · 14/12/2008 08:28

Only read the first post (but will plough through the rest when I have time today). My DS goes to a Catholic school too. His school also has a high number of pupils from different backgrounds - Black, Asian etc. Many of these pupils have come from overseas (their families were helped to emigrate here by the Priest - partly for the better education). I worried a bit about DS going into the school because I was concerned that if a high proportion of the children did not speak English that alot of resources would be taken up already and DS might flounder as a result (he has developmental dyspraxia so needs alot of input too).
My fears have been unfounded - if anything he has benefited from meeting children from diverse backgrounds and has several best friends (as they do at this age). In addition I have made friends with several of the Mums too - more English speakers than non-English speakers.
Don't worry about it - just send him where you think his needs will be best met.

littleboyblue · 14/12/2008 08:31

I haven't read the whole thread, but surely you'd want to send your children to a school where they have the highest chance of academic success?

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