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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

.... to wish total strangers would NOT comment on my parenting skills ........

85 replies

asdastressedmumoftwo · 05/12/2008 23:14

Completely prepared for you lot to criticise me, so here goes !!
Went to asda today to get photos printed and have a wander while waiting. DD1, 2.4yrs decided she wanted to walk, so since wasn't doing a shop conceded and put DD2, 3 mths in pram (normally both would be in trolley). Anyway, DD1 decided to try on some wellies (size 7 adlt !), DD2 then decided to start crying. DD1 wouldn't put her own shoes back on, so I couldn't pick up DD2 as had to carry DD1 (confusded yet ?). As I went round the corner of the aisle on my way back to car, a lady stopped me and said "haven't you got a dummy for her, she NEEDS a dummy" !! I was so shocked I couldn't think of any reply quick enough. I don't like dummies and DD2 certainly doesn't "NEED" one.

Would have loved to have told the interfering bag to go wherever, but also wonder if I could have handled it all differen tly.

Feel like a bit of a crap mummy really, bt am I being unreasonable ??

OP posts:

poshwellies · 05/12/2008 23:18

errrrrrr no

MadamDeathstarOverBethlehem · 05/12/2008 23:19

Next time (and there will be a next time) say "No she doesn't, thank you for your concern".

It is annoying when complete strangers think they know better than you how to look after your own children.

LoveBeingAMummyKissingSanta · 05/12/2008 23:30

How about she doesn't but you do

MadamDeathstarOverBethlehem · 06/12/2008 01:03

lol LoveBeingAMummyKissingSanta

MrsSeanBean · 06/12/2008 08:51

YANBU apart from your choice of shop. Asda is such a common supermarket...

mankymummy · 06/12/2008 09:03

I would have said, does she? well in my opinion she doesnt need a dummy but you do need to learn some manners.

dilemma456 · 06/12/2008 09:08

Message withdrawn

VirginBoffinMum · 06/12/2008 09:24

I heard a 3-month old baby crying at the swimming pool recently, and it was a really blindingly obvious hunger cry, and she was rooting for a nipple, etc.

The poor first time mum was really stressed, so I offered to hold the baby for a bit while she got changed herself. She was very pleased and relieved about this so I walked the (endearingly gorgeous but somewhat loud) baby up and down a bit and tried to offer some comfort. She was rooting on me for a nipple, and really desperate for a feed by now.

I didn't know what to say really without sounding critical but eventually I tactfully broached the subject of whether the baby might possibly be a little hungry. "No, she can't be," said the mother, "I have just fed her".

I am sure this mother thought I was interfering a bit, but what do you do?

babymt · 06/12/2008 10:44

You have a 2.4 year old so surely you must be used to this by now. People criticise constantly whether its any of their business or not. I've lost count of the stupid things strangers have said to me. Most stupid being told by some old woman that my ginger haired 3 year old was going to be abducted if I didn't watch her (she was walking behind me at the time) because she was so beautiful. I laughed it off and she goes "this is no laughing matter. Look at that little McCann girl". I was so

So ignore them.

mindalina · 06/12/2008 10:51

I was carrying DS down the road once, with DP wandering alongside us with the pushchair, when an old woman stopped me to point out the hem on my jeans was v tattered (hard to buy trousers short enough at five foot nothing ) and that if I wasn't careful, I'd trip and smash DS's head open on the pavement and wouldn't that be a shame

So no, I don't think YABU, it is irritating.

PerkinWarbeck · 06/12/2008 10:53

YANBU

to make your shopping trip more fun, next time why not play Old Biddy Bingo?

Make up a card with assorted phrases on eg

"that child needs a smack"
"children weren't allow to get away with that in my day"
or
"she's got you wrapped round her little finger"

cross them off as you hear each phrase muttered by an interfering old biddy. get 3 or more in one trip and you can treat yourself to bar of green and blacks.

kiltycoldbum · 06/12/2008 10:55

when i was on a plane with my dd then 2, she was chucking a strop as she had to sit down for take off and wanted to get down. I was as apologetic as i could be to everyone and some total bint behind me muttered "oh just give her some calpol" loud enough for me to hear, needless to say i was less than impressed, drug my child because she's having a tantrum? for a 2hour flight? i nearly chinned her there and then but settled for just pouring scorn on her. cowbag incidentally dd was impeccably behaved afterwards my having taken a small suitcase of toys onboard for the flight.

bran · 06/12/2008 10:58

Lol at PerkinWarbeck.

YANBU, but it's a waste of a wish to wish people wouldn't do it. I found the phrase "I'll bear that in mind" to be very useful. It's dismissive but not rude.

MadamDeathstarOverBethlehem · 06/12/2008 17:06

lol

Don't forget to add
"That child needs a hat/socks/gloves"
PerkinWarbeck.

prettybutterfly · 06/12/2008 17:32

Old ladies are universally weird.

That'll be us one day, chaps.

naturalblonde · 06/12/2008 17:52

A mad old lady asked me if my dd's could breathe ok with rain cover over buggy,

then told me I shouldn't have rain cover because 'They don't have them in Africa' (Umm maybe, but I doubt it's -2 degrees in Africa) and they needed to get used to the cold.

Then told me they should be facing me as they'd be kidnapped as I couldn't see them

stuckinthecorner · 06/12/2008 17:55

Following advice from another thread on here about interfering old bats, the last time someone passed a comment on my parenting skills (or apparent lack of them !)I smiled sweetly and then stalked her around the store...she was completely freaked and eventually asked what I was doing. I calmly got out a pen and paper and said seeing as you are obviously such an expert on my child, and I am such a s**t mother, I thought if you gave me your phone number I could ring you when I needed help!!
She muttered words that even I didnt understand and walked of.. but I doubt she`ll comment to anyone again

Ronaldinhio · 06/12/2008 17:59

nicing people to death is always the answer coupled with a giant tesco lorry full of sarcasm to make her look like she's had slapped cheeks

hohoho

btw you are in no way being unreasonable

callaird · 06/12/2008 19:31

I nanny for 13 month old twin boys, an old lady in a coffee shop said of twin II, who was crying cos he didn't want to go back into the pram (was having too much fun squishing the life out of a piece of cake) where is his dummy? I replied that he has never had one, she said that it wasn't too late to start, if he spat it out, put it back, if he carried on, hold it in his mouth, if he still wasn't happy, keep twisting it until he got used to it!

I said thanks for the advice, I would bare it in mind and then she said, oh it's not cold enough for his coat (which I was struggling to put on him, he's a wriggly child!) just put him in the pram without it, she had on a shirt and jumper, a thick coat with scarf, gloves and wooly hat!! We left as soon as we could. I wouldn't mind if it was constructive critisism!!!

mygreatauntgriselda4christmas · 06/12/2008 19:33

Try saying "oh, Fuck Awwwff!" in a very loud voice

They may get the message not to do it again [rgin]

sparklestickchick · 06/12/2008 19:38

A few years ago ds2 was crying walking home from school(ds2 has me type symptoms this was in the early days)he was absolutely exhausted i had ds3 in the pram and loads of bags etc,i was walking along trying to console him when this stupid idiot man said'looks to me like he needs a bloody good hiding!!' well i turned around and said oh yeah did u beat your kids? slap your wife too do you? its arseholes like you that social services were designed for etc etc'.....dh pulled up in the car to give us a lift and so then i continued my rant at the bloke oh yeah hers his dad wanna slap him to do you?? here tell his dad what his son needs -what was it you said,bloody good hiding hmm wasnt it? dh 6'2 ex para gets out of the car (mainly to put the pram in the boot and get ds2 in the car) ......the man whod been so quick with his advice ........well he ran like the wind .

Umlellala · 06/12/2008 19:40

I tend to just smile and get on with what I am doing. Seems to work ok. Maybe I am just a bit oblivious anyway.

Maria2007 · 06/12/2008 19:41

Callaird: unbelievable about the description of how to put a dummy in and KEEP it in !!!

Asdastressed: Oh for god's sake, I just hate it hate it hate it when people don't mind their own business & offer unwanted advice! (and what stupid advice by the way). To be honest, if it were me, I would possibly be a bit rude... And no, OF COURSE you're not unreasonable, if anything, you under-reacted!

stuckinthecorner: love your solution to the problem . Will definitely keep it in mind!!

Umlellala · 06/12/2008 19:43

Oh sparkle, x-post. What a horrible man. Think I would have had to say something at that . Prob just 'oh well, he needs a big cuddle really' though. Firm but polite.

Gorionine · 06/12/2008 20:14

YANBU I really cannot stand it! It is one thing to want to help but useless comments make me so. People see a couple of minutes of you and your children and if they happen to be crying at that moment they assume that you are an inadequate mother and your children are monsters. God forbid that a child should just cry. I now totaly do not care about these types of comments, I used to but it only make things worse. I used to go in a total panic if my DCs where anything else than angels, It made me a total nervous wreck until I understood it was unfair on my children to be so stressed out all the time. Now I deal with crying/tantrums in public more calmly and the situation is usually resolved much quicker.

My blood boils when DD4 falls asleep in her pushchair a bit "wonky" and people stop me to staighten her "she must be so uncomfortable like that" and every time they wake her up.

Callaird please tell us the lady was joking. I cannot believe anyone would go to those lenghth to "calm" a child.

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