Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

To not get up at the same time as my dh??????

149 replies

Dalrymps · 01/12/2008 21:08

Dh and I have just had a row as he says that I get to 'rest and relax' during the day when ds sleeps (not actually true, sometimes I have a little break but most of his nap time is filled with little jobs round the house and usually a shower etc). He also stated that I 'don't respect the fact he has to get up early for work in a morning and go out to work'.

He gets up at 6.30am (closer to 7am if i'm honest after snoozing his alarm). I say bye and go back to sleep until ds 13mo wakes up and then I get up with him and eat breakfast with him etc. This tends to be around 8.30am or sometimes if he's tired 9am. He's a good sleeper.

He says I should get up when he does and 'get myself ready' before ds wakes and have my shower then instead of when ds has his 1st nap then I can 'pull my weight more' . I am not a lazy person but don't consistently do exactly the same jobs round the house everyday, I just do what I see needs doing as and when I can, some things get done, some don't, depends on what kind of day I have had with ds.

Dh finished work at 4.30, he usually feeds ds his tea and helps out generally with him once home, we take it in turns to put him to bed.

He says he never gets 5 mins (not true), I just don't think he can fully appriciate what it is like to look after a 13mo all day when he is in to EVERYTHING the moment your back is turned. If he is watching ds on a weekend he gets frustrated after an hour of watching him but won't give me credit for watching him all day when he's at work. I know he gets breaks at work where they all sit chatting with tea in the office but he tries to make out he doesn't and he always tries to make out he works harder than me. If I point out to him that I work just as hard as him and he can't possibly understand as he's never looked after ds for a whole day without at least a little help from me he just replies with 'well you have no idea what it's like for me to go out to work, why don't you go out and get a job'.

I have had plenty jobs and have worked hard in all of them, we decided I would be a full time mum for the moment whilst ds is young but it just feels like he is constantly jealous of the fact I 'get to stay at home and have it easy'

So... Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

solidgoldbrass · 01/12/2008 21:13

No, he is. He's not your boss or your owner, and while it's fair to divide up household tasks between you, just because you are a SAHM does not mean that you have to 'obey' him.
Leave him with ds next weekend and go out for the day, that will show him (and is the only way to deal with a man who thinks that a woman is a domestic appliance/childcare machine rather than a person).

NCRedBreastedBirdy · 01/12/2008 21:16

No and the only known cure to this is to leave ds and dh for a full weekend and let them work it out.

It is a classic row between couples, a working partner who has never looked after a child ft cannot possibly understand. It is a simple case walking in another mans shoes.

Do you think you could manage to get up early on saturday and lose yourself until after bed time? Phone off, no calling in... To my knowledge it is the only way round it!

(I know I sound flippant but I really do feel your frustration)

Wallaroo · 01/12/2008 21:16

I think your husband may be married to me too!

downbutnotout · 01/12/2008 21:16

What sgb said - grrrrrrr - am very for you.

RGPargy · 01/12/2008 21:18

YANBU!!!

DD (almost 12 months) is quite hard work at the moment and sometimes i quite enjoy going to work for a rest!!

Agree that you should leave him with DS for the day. he'll be in for a shock!

ComeWhineWithMe · 01/12/2008 21:19

I just asked dp what he thought and he said "Why should she get up if the baby is't awake?"

FWIW YANBU he is levae him with the baby one weekend he will soon eat his words .

Like SGB said he is not your boss or owner tell him to jog on .

rubyslippersisappearinginpanto · 01/12/2008 21:20

i go to work for a rest
YANBU

MinkyBorage · 01/12/2008 21:21

tell him to shove it up his arse and sleep with ear plugs so he can't disturb you in the morning. He is being totally unreasonable. Don't give up on this one, or he'll be taking the piss for years!

purpleduck · 01/12/2008 21:22

Maybe get yourself a job on the weekend so that he can see first hand how "easy" it is...

ComeWhineWithMe · 01/12/2008 21:22

Also when he is at work if he wants to go to the loo/eat a sandwich /think he can do it without constantly thinking of someone else's needs and safety ,and when he has a break he actually has a break not a hurried 5 mins .

Don't do anything tomorrow apart from basic care for the LO then when he askes whats wrong tell him that he can now see what you do all day because today you didn't do it .

DoubleBluff · 01/12/2008 21:23

tbh if i was going out to work in the morning i would feel annoyed/ maybe jealous if my other half was having a lie in every day.
what time do you go to bed? does DS sleep through.

mankyscotslass · 01/12/2008 21:25

OMG I would kill him!
I am a SAHM, we have 3 kids and the youngest is a very early riser, usually 5 or 5.30. The other two are up by 6.30 normally.
DH and I take it in turns to get up with them, that way we don't get too ratty with each other, we know we are only one day away from having a "lie in". His view is that we both work, me in the home, him out of it, so we are both stressed and tired and need a break.
I think a weekend away for you is called for..

beanieb · 01/12/2008 21:26

There is something to be said for gettin up early and spending a bit of time with your OH as well as getting yourself fully into gear before DS wakes though, no?

Maybe if it were the other way round you would soon get frustrated for the same reasons he probably is.

noonki · 01/12/2008 21:29

YAB a little unreasonable

if the tables were turned I would be a bit annoyed.

But more than anything I am very jealous!

Seuss · 01/12/2008 21:32

We do the same as manky - alternate getting up early with the kids. Who gets up with LO on the weekend?

TheCrackFox · 01/12/2008 21:32

He has a little bit of a point. Sorry, but most SAHMs would kill to have a DH home that early.

DH is a chef and we all get up at 8am ish (used to be earlier when babies) however, DH works till midnight. You are incredibly lucky having all that help at tea time, bath time etc. Not called the witching hour for nothing.

Your working day is actually very short if you think about it.

frankbestfriend · 01/12/2008 21:33

What beanie said.

I tend to get up and ready before dd wakes, it gives me a bit more time during the day to get things done.

What time does your ds nap? If he was still a tiny baby I would say YANBU, but as he is a bit older I am inclined to think your dh has a point.

Tbh I think if I was going out to work early and then coming home and sharing the childcare I would appreciate a little QT in the morning with my dh.

leoleomakingalist · 01/12/2008 21:34

I have found that dp's are always in awe of our ability to cope after they have had dc alone for a day. But like child birth they forget this within 10 minutes and we go back to the beginning. Losing battle I fear - my unasked for advice - in one ear out the other and carry on regardless. As you were

Original poster

Dalrymps · 01/12/2008 21:34

I do feel i'm being a little unreasonable at times but I also feel I do my fair share. I'm constantly thinking of his happiness and trying to do little things to cheer him up etc. I make his dinner every day when he comes home for lunch (he says I don't have to but I like to).

I can definately understand he may feel jealous that I get to sleep longer than him but there really is no point in me getting up when he does, If I had a shower then ds would wake early and start crying so I can't really do that?! Dh showers in the evening you see. The bathroom is right through the wall from ds's room.

Ds goes to bed anywhere between 8.30 and 9.30pm (he goes that late as has slow weight gain and we have to keep him up a bit later to fit an extra bottle of high calorie milk in)

I have to also say that I cope with a lack of sleep less well than dh does, He woud agree with me on that one too, I seem to need more to funtion. We go to bed at about 11.30pm of an evening. Ds sleeps through and has done for ages.

I would be up for leaving ds with dh for a weekend but I tend to want to spend that precios time with dh so it's difficult. I have explained to him that I know what it's like to go to work (worked 12 hr shifts 3 days on 3 days off whilst pregnant and had to commute an hour to get to work for them 3 days and stay with family over those days before travelling back for 3 days off which I would use to decorate our new house - dh did the same as we had the same job then. So, I DO KNOW WHAT IT@S LIKE TO WORK)

OP posts:

Yanda · 01/12/2008 21:36

Actually, I think YABalittleU because if your DS is a good sleeper I am assuming that he doesn't wake in the night so you are getting a good hour and half to two hours more in bed than your DS and TBH I think its abit of a luxury to be lying in bed until 8.30-9am when you could get up half an hour earlier and get yourself ready for the day. Yes, it is tiring spending the day with a 13 month old, but if your DH is home to give him his tea too and alternately put him to bed, you are getting a pretty fair deal if you ask me.

However, I may be alittle biased jealous as when my DD was 13 months I used to work one 11 hour night shift a week, before and after which I didn't go to sleep, I just missed the night's sleep and still looked after a 13 month old so I know its not impossible to get up half an hour earlier.

beanieb · 01/12/2008 21:36

Yeah - as Frankbestfriend says, if your son is still very small and not sleeping through the night very well then I can understand why you would stay in bed as long as you could, but if he's older and sleeping through then you could make more effort to get up early sometimes, if only to have some conversation with your OH.

beanieb · 01/12/2008 21:38

sorry crossed posts

HeinzSight · 01/12/2008 21:38

I think your DH is unreasonable to chastise you in the way he has done.

At the same time, he does sound incredibly supportive, there's not many DH's who take turns putting children to bed. He does come home quite early and from the sounds of it does what he can.

Be thankful for that. My DH has a paralysed arm and has never been able to bath our DD and finds many other tasks with her very difficult. I'm thankful for whatever he can offer.

Yanda · 01/12/2008 21:39

Your DH comes home for lunch too? I don't think you realise that you are fairly lucky.

TheCrackFox · 01/12/2008 21:40

You know a weekend away might do you good but seriously your life is not that bad.

My DS1 did not sleep through until he was 3.5 years! It nearly killed me. I am not suggesting that being a SAHM is easy (I am one) but you only have one DC and your DH doesn't seem to work long hours. Did I read right that your DH comes home for lunch too?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Swipe left for the next trending thread