To not get up at the same time as my dh??????

[Dalrymps]

Dh and I have just had a row as he says that I get to 'rest and relax' during the day when ds sleeps (not actually true, sometimes I have a little break but most of his nap time is filled with little jobs round the house and usually a shower etc). He also stated that I 'don't respect the fact he has to get up early for work in a morning and go out to work'.

He gets up at 6.30am (closer to 7am if i'm honest after snoozing his alarm). I say bye and go back to sleep until ds 13mo wakes up and then I get up with him and eat breakfast with him etc. This tends to be around 8.30am or sometimes if he's tired 9am. He's a good sleeper.

He says I should get up when he does and 'get myself ready' before ds wakes and have my shower then instead of when ds has his 1st nap then I can 'pull my weight more' . I am not a lazy person but don't consistently do exactly the same jobs round the house everyday, I just do what I see needs doing as and when I can, some things get done, some don't, depends on what kind of day I have had with ds.

Dh finished work at 4.30, he usually feeds ds his tea and helps out generally with him once home, we take it in turns to put him to bed.

He says he never gets 5 mins (not true), I just don't think he can fully appriciate what it is like to look after a 13mo all day when he is in to EVERYTHING the moment your back is turned. If he is watching ds on a weekend he gets frustrated after an hour of watching him but won't give me credit for watching him all day when he's at work. I know he gets breaks at work where they all sit chatting with tea in the office but he tries to make out he doesn't and he always tries to make out he works harder than me. If I point out to him that I work just as hard as him and he can't possibly understand as he's never looked after ds for a whole day without at least a little help from me he just replies with 'well you have no idea what it's like for me to go out to work, why don't you go out and get a job'.

I have had plenty jobs and have worked hard in all of them, we decided I would be a full time mum for the moment whilst ds is young but it just feels like he is constantly jealous of the fact I 'get to stay at home and have it easy'

So... Am I being unreasonable?

Well, my DH gets up at 5.45 every morning- no WAY would I get up with him! Nor would he want me to- he knows what I am like in the mornings. He is in bed now, I am here- I love that time to myself at night, just as he likes his time to himself (I think!) in the morning. Often I am still loading/ unloading washing machines and dishwashers, ironing or making packed lunches long after he is in bed- should I shake him and make him get up and watch me do it?

I think the crux of the matter is the whole "What do you DO all day?"- I've had this from friends who work f/t too! It's not just teh childcare, or even the housework, it's the 66000 other things that fall to you because you are "at home all day". Some days I am barely "at home" at all, with all the errands I have to run. One day last week, at 11.30pm, I calculated that I ahd sat down for a grand total of 35 minutes (and 20 minutes of that was doing the internet shopping) As someone who works p/t, in a job with fairly long hours and a fair amount of stress, I often say it is easier to be at work- then I just have myself to look out for, and I can go to the loo in peace!

Thankfully DH is pretty hands on, and does realise how demanding the kids can be. Even my dad, who adores them, had them one night while trying to make dinner and began to understand the stress that is a half-made white sauce versus a screaming 13 mo! Rest and relax??? When? YANBU

Am I the only person who doesn't find it helpful though, when people grind on about being at home with children being much harder work, and that going out to work is easy in comparison? I find this attitude as unhelpful as suggesting that looking after preschool children is always easy, and never stressful.
At the end of the day, both things are hard, though having experienced time at home on maternity leaves, and also being a working parent, I have to say I think ultimately being at home is easier in that you don't have the pressure of deadlines to meet, or other people's expectations. Well, only a toddler's expectations, which isn;t the same as being out there in the world of work!!
You also have to remember that it's not just a black and white case of 'doing the parenting' or 'going to work' - the OP's husband is a working parent! You don't stop being a mum or dad when you have paid employment too - and it sounds like the husband does a lot of home and childcare stuff once he's back from work anyway.
TBH, I think the whole argument is a bit academic anyway, because as someone else said, before long, the OP will have to get up to get the child to playgroup/school, or she'll have another child or two, and be juggling different routines. Having your first baby is a doddle really, particularly if you don't work - you can follow their routine, even if they don't sleep well, you can nap when they nap.It'll never be so easy again, so in a sense, it's not a huge issue!

I cannot believe men that are like this grrr.

A friend of mine had to explain what she did in her day everyday to her DH once her DS started to school so that he was satisfied she wasn't "loafing" around.

My DH knows what would happen to him (and it would not be very nice!) if he ever questionned me, but then he wouldn't because he is not that sort of person.

TBH I think if I were supporting the family financially while the other parent stayed at home and the kids were in school, then I would want to know what they were doing all day! No doubt I'll get flamed for saying that, but I really can't see the issue! Why would it not be reasonable to ask? I can see that it might be a bit dim to ask a partner who is looking after a handful of preschoolers all day. But once the kids are in school it's a perfectly legitimate question!

findtheriver

I think this is more about adjusting than anything else, and fighting for that non-existant me time when you have a toddler. Although your lo is 13mo I still think they take a lot of adjusting to

I think he is jealous that you get what he perceives as more time to download........but I remember dd's naps as a recovery time, when I woud just collapse and stare at wall for an hour or so. Toddlers are so full-on all day. (dd 2.5mo doesn't nap any more

Some of the comments about your dh disappearing upstairs whilst you watch him ring a few bells here. Dp and I have had similiar very petty squabbles. It is all about time. As dd has got a bit older, and doesn't need 100% attention all the time, then the suqabbles have dropped a bit.

Why on earth is that strange?
If you believe, as I do actually, that looking after young preschoolers is hard work, (a full time job many describe it as!) then surely once they're in school, you have at least 6 hours per day of not doing this any more?
I don't think it's unreasonable for the partner who is working to support the family singlehandedly to ask why the other parent needs to be at home during this time, and to ask what they're doing, that's all.
Marriage is a partnership - why wouldn't they want to know?

Dalrymps - you are not unreasonable for sleeping on; but are you "pulling your weight" at home or not? If you are a SAHM, you need to be doing the vast bulk of the chores and errands necessary for running a home IMO.

"helps out" That is big of him since it is his child too.

You do what the hell you want and do not be dictated too b this man. Or start telling him how to run his day, especially at the weekend!

YANBU

findtheriver, do you have school age children?

Because "all day" is actually only from 9-3 (roughly). then, of course, you have to factor in, say, an hour's travelling time to from school for drop off/pick up so that leaves you 5. Take off 30 minutes for lunch (which I think is the legal minimum) and you're down to 4.5 hours. Take off 2 15 minute tea breaks and that's 4 hours. That's not a lot of time in which to do some laundry, deal with the washing up, do a food shop, change beds, towels, clean a room, hoover... the end result being that the whole job never gets done so it always looks undone and as if you've done nothing.

findtheriver - IMO and IME it is a lot more time consuming hiking up and down to school, getting all the jobs done and then looking after children full-on all evening than having a pre-schooler around all day, when you are fully flexible.

My DD (4) is desperate to read books with me when she gets home - it is far more full-on with her when she is around (ie I don't have a hope in hell of going shopping with her anymore) than when she was little.

SoupDragon & Anna8888 - you have said exactly what I wanted to say to findtheriver- thanks (and put it a whole lot better than I would have done)

Dalrymps - YANBU

Hmm, I am going to go against the grain of opinion slightly as well. I have been the one who gets up early in the morning and goes to out to work on my own, and I feel that your dh has a point. Please dont take this personally, I am talking about my ex marriage, which went tits up for many reasons!

I well remember many lonely mornings scraping frost off the car while ex h snoozed peacefully in bed. Bottom line is, we weren't performing as a team, and one of the symptoms of that was that he couldnt be bothered to get up at the same time I had to (same as your dh, 6.30 - 7).

Going out to work is not just simple - you have the constant worry that you are not earning enough, you might get made redundant, you have to sit amongst strangers in an office, instead of among your family in your own home, you have to do what your boss says etc. Given the choice, I'd do a home-based, "freelance" role any day.

And it would surely be better for both of you to start the day by talking to each other? Now that I am divorced, home role is done by an Au Pair - she doesnt work all day, of course, but one thing I insist on is that she gets up at least 10 minutes before I have to leave the house, so that we can have a short conversation and agree on stuff like when Im coming back, whats happening in the house that day, etc. I really dont want to have to do this stuff on the phone later, while Im trying to concentrate on my work.

So stay in bed by all means - but be aware that its probably not doing anything for your marriage.

NighbyNight - I know what you are getting at - but in this household I decide what is going to be happening during the day - I don't have to consult my DP. And he does trust me to get on with it on my own.

If I had an au pair or nounou, I would feel the same way as you - I would want to have at least 10 minutes of "instruction time" before getting the day underway.

Not sure how that works with DHs/DPs - maybe your exDH wasn't autonomous about the daily chores?

I guess that works well for some people, but I am the sort of person who likes to talk things over - typical german trait really, I must be going native!

Another thing - when you are at home all day, it is pretty easy to run around doing physical tasks all day long. I know from experience that I got a bad back from pushing the pushchair loaded up with groceries and that I can eat the same amount of food as my DP and stay very slim while he piles on the kilos, just because my life isn't sedentary like his is. So there is also a real reason for resting longer in the morning.

If we have queries during the day, we email each other - it's quite flexible.

No, I dont buy that one at all!

You don't buy the sedentary vs. physical labour???? Think about it... All the women I know here in Paris have the same issues and the kinés make a great living out of us. But of course, we all buggy push/do the grocery shopping with a poussette which is not common in the banlieue where they have cars and shopping centres...

you can get a bad back from sitting on a chair all day though!
and people didnt sleep longer in the 1950s did they?

now somebody is going to pop up in true mumsnet fashion with a survey that proves conclusively that people slept for an average of 20 minutes more in the 1950s than they do today, I just know it.

I have suffered physically sitting in the office the way I have at home - lots of experience of both situations now.

And actually, people did sleep longer in the 1950s and in the past in general. People in the Western world are chronically sleep-deprived these days - there's quite a lot of literature about this.

Oh, and it's more like TWO HOURS difference than 20 minutes...

but we still need the same amount of sleep, whatever our job is, we just dont get it. Example, I had to get up at 6.30 this morning, and drag ds out of bed too, to finish his totally unreasonably huge amount of homework!